Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Yes i will admit i am alittle lonely, but i think its cause i just couldnt find the one i wanted , being 49 it hard to find someone now i cant date under 30 (my oldest it 29) that would just be wrong. i would always be wondering what would have been if we never broke up ... the only reason we did is cause she wanted to have a family of her own , and i physically couldnt give her one Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 its funny "Popsicle" if i heard this story from one of my friends i would be like "man are you nuts " so i do see where you are coming from Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Pardon as I get logical here, You DID Break up many Times. Again, address this pattern and move along, you are no where near being a healthy person if you keep running backwards...the scenery just doesn't change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Share Posted May 7, 2015 im sorry Tayla im not sure why you would say that we broke up many times ...i stated that in the 3 yrs of dating we never broke up once , we fought like a normal couple but never broke up , we were together everyday ..all the woman around her were having babies and she knew if she didnt have one soon she wouldnt feel satisfied in life . for almost 2 yrs she begged me to give her one, but like i said earlier i had a vasectomy and would cost $5000 to get revised. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 whichwayisup im here cause my friends think im crazy and i really have no one to talk to , so i appreciate good and bad advise .... she told me that its been 3 months since she left him , and she has repeatedly tried to contact me but i was trying to move on ..i refused to reply , but my heart is lonely and hurts so i finally gave in (i dated alot of women since the break up ..there just not her) my kids loved her and i was close to her family she just had that motherly time clock ticking Re-read this whole thread and really ask yourself if you can truly see a life with her. An honest and healthy relationship. Are you prepared to play step father to a toddler that you do not know? To have to deal with her ex on occasion? He has rights to his child, probably will have shared custody. Are you 100% sure they've broken up? Be weary. Because you're lonely and old feelings have been stirred up, do not make any rash decisions. IF you choose to get back with her, 'date' her slowly. Get to know her again and do NOT move in. Don't get involved with her child. In fact, it would be best if you didn't meet her child as it's not fair to him/her and that poor little one has adjustments and changes to deal with by not having his/her mommy/daddy living together under one roof. 3 months is not a long time so nothing is definite. What happens if you take her back then she changes her mind and goes back to him? Take a step back and think it through carefully. Your friends are objective and they see things realistically. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 im sorry Tayla im not sure why you would say that we broke up many times ...i stated that in the 3 yrs of dating we never broke up once , we fought like a normal couple but never broke up , we were together everyday ..all the woman around her were having babies and she knew if she didnt have one soon she wouldnt feel satisfied in life . for almost 2 yrs she begged me to give her one, but like i said earlier i had a vasectomy and would cost $5000 to get revised. So instead of talking to you about adopting or having a sperm donor, she ended things with you and then came back pregnant by someone else, hoping you'd take her back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Expecting her not to have a child, or wait until you could afford the reverse operation, could be seen as selfish when you had 4 kids of your own. I don't see that she's a bad person at all. She didn't cheat on you and by all accounts it was a good relationship. The main arguments were about her having a baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Expecting her not to have a child, or wait until you could afford the reverse operation, could be seen as selfish when you had 4 kids of your own. I don't see that she's a bad person at all. She didn't cheat on you and by all accounts it was a good relationship. The main arguments were about her having a baby. Hi bigsteve I agree with Sandylee. You loved this woman. You still do. You have enough empathy and compassion for her to "understand" where she's coming from. The one thing your gf DID DO was be completely honest with you. You knew she wanted a baby of her own. You knew she wanted the baby to be yours. You held back for 2 main reasons I get too. 1) the v cost alot of money & 2) you already had 4 children. The fact you are a gfather now could be a 3rd reason. The baby is on the way now. It's like re-hashing stuff that's too late to discuss. None of this matters at all when it comes down to how you BOTH honestly feel about each other. I think you've both been honest and are both trying to work this out so you can be together. You already know you can love another man's child. Your 1st child. I find it easy to love OPs children, maybe you're like me. If I knew my partner loved me and wanted to commit long term, I'd raise their children because children bring joy to my life. Maybe that's wrong? IDK. This would be difficult but it doesn't really have to be. You have the option of sharing the life of a woman who loves you and becoming a new family. A "modern family" maybe. Good luck. Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 I am a older man (46) and am envolved with this woman who now is 37. we have been together for almost 4 years i had a vasectomy 10 years ago and cant have kids. well she doesnt have any but desperately wants one. well we broke up for a couple of months and she was seeing this guy. In the end we decided to get back together cause we missed each other. and she found out that she is pregnent. when we decided to get back she didnt know she was pregnant knowing that i cant have anymore should i stay or should i go...? im sorry Tayla im not sure why you would say that we broke up many times ...i stated that in the 3 yrs of dating we never broke up once , we fought like a normal couple but never broke up , we were together everyday ..all the woman around her were having babies and she knew if she didnt have one soon she wouldnt feel satisfied in life . for almost 2 yrs she begged me to give her one, but like i said earlier i had a vasectomy and would cost $5000 to get revised. Perhaps the Conveyance is where I concluded you broke up. Most recently for three years from the time the child was born? You seem to be of your own mind and will retain your heart over your head , and with that, I wish you well. We all deserve to love and be loved. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 IMO, you'd be a fool to take her back, no matter how lonely you are. You CAN get out and date, and meet someone better. However, from the tone of your posts, I think you're going to take her back no matter what anyone here says. DO make sure the biological father is paying and can continue paying child support so that you don't also take on the financial burdens. If not, don't take her back. DO NOT marry this woman even if you take her back - it isn't necessary and creates unnecessary problems for when she leaves you next time (which she may well do). Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Hi bigsteve I agree with Sandylee. The baby is on the way now. This would be difficult but it doesn't really have to be. You have the option of sharing the life of a woman who loves you and becoming a new family. A "modern family" maybe. Good luck. Lion Heart. Lionheart- lets hope she had the baby by now. this post was started in dec of 2012. Op stopped in to give an update . Unless this lady has a very long gestation period. She is playing him, and he is looking for supporters of this on again off again relations. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Yes Tayla the baby is 5 months old, and just before the baby was born i totally stopped talking to her , she continued to here and there try to contact me but i gave it a good shot and refused to reply. She also gave the baby father a shot as well , but that didnt work out .. she messaged me like 5 times and i finally gave it ..wondering what she wanted Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Yes whichwayisup I do agree with you , my life has changed in the 3 years we broke up my kids are older and just life stuff ..we have been talking for about 2 weeks cause i still am unsure how i will feel about the child , but she accepted my 4 kids so it would be hypercritical to judge her on that alone.. there is lots to consider im older and a bit (hehe) wiser so taken it slow it s great idea Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 So instead of talking to you about adopting or having a sperm donor, she ended things with you and then came back pregnant by someone else, hoping you'd take her back. OMG that is some of that pain and anger i had when we first broke up .. i agree 100 % she would consistently tell me she loves me but the pain of not having a child was too hard for her .. she has told me that she thought i had moved on and talked to other guys but she says her heart has always been with me (trust me i was pissed) btw dont forget i dated ALOT over the course of 3 yrs ..i just never found that magic again with someone else Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 I think you're crazy to consider going back to her too! You're speaking out of loneliness here......I know that feeling....and I have gone back to relationships for a second or third go. They've never worked out for me. I think you probably will go back to her despite everyone telling you not to, until she IS out of your system......wishing you well. to tell you the truth ..i think if i dont try it will always lingerer in me what would or could have been ... i need to know ... need to find out . i appreciate your comments i read them all trust me Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Expecting her not to have a child, or wait until you could afford the reverse operation, could be seen as selfish when you had 4 kids of your own. I don't see that she's a bad person at all. She didn't cheat on you and by all accounts it was a good relationship. The main arguments were about her having a baby. yup ... we talked about that alot .. we never broke up once till the baby issue came full force. she isnt bad . i got over being angry the hurt is still there alittle tho Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Hi bigsteve I agree with Sandylee. You loved this woman. You still do. You have enough empathy and compassion for her to "understand" where she's coming from. The one thing your gf DID DO was be completely honest with you. You knew she wanted a baby of her own. You knew she wanted the baby to be yours. You held back for 2 main reasons I get too. 1) the v cost alot of money & 2) you already had 4 children. The fact you are a gfather now could be a 3rd reason. The baby is on the way now. It's like re-hashing stuff that's too late to discuss. None of this matters at all when it comes down to how you BOTH honestly feel about each other. I think you've both been honest and are both trying to work this out so you can be together. You already know you can love another man's child. Your 1st child. I find it easy to love OPs children, maybe you're like me. If I knew my partner loved me and wanted to commit long term, I'd raise their children because children bring joy to my life. Maybe that's wrong? IDK. This would be difficult but it doesn't really have to be. You have the option of sharing the life of a woman who loves you and becoming a new family. A "modern family" maybe. Good luck. Lion Heart. the child is 5 months old .. and my third daughter isnt biologically mine but i raised her since she was 2 till 16 , technically she is mine hehe..acts talks just like me, being a dad i will never take a child from there dad ( my ex's wouldnt dare take my kids from me ima 100 % full on hands dad ) kids dont scare me i been a bouncer for 24 yrs ..played collage basketball my life is great so i dont think im missing out on anything ..i raise kids its what i do ..that part doesnt scare me Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 Steve, it sounds like you are plan B. She said she hated you, deliberately went out and got preggers, then knowing how much you love her, she managed to convince you that all of this was your fault, and now wants to come back with baby-on-board. Where, in all of this, is her respect for you and love for you? I think that you are smitten by a much younger woman and will take her and baby back regardless of any advice you get to the contrary. I'm betting that as soon as you are married and she becomes you legal spouse, and are footing the bills, that all of this new-found amore will go south. Do what you want, but watch your back. trust me that was the fuel that burned in me for 3 yrs.. never happened to me before , never been broken up with .. it was all new to me .. she is a teacher and actually has a good heart , so it didnt make sense , but i have talked to woman and they say ..once that clock is activated to have a child there is no stopping them ..its ****ty but its life i guess 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I think you can try but the fact she left to go have a child with someone else will be the breaking point for you. This to me is a serious betrayal. Who cares what the cost of getting things changed if she wanted to have a child with you then you both would have worked through it. Every time you look at that child your going to think of the past and what has happened. What happened the next time she feels the need for something else that she feel you can't or won't give her. There are other women out there. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I think you can try but the fact she left to go have a child with someone else will be the breaking point for you. This to me is a serious betrayal. Who cares what the cost of getting things changed if she wanted to have a child with you then you both would have worked through it. Every time you look at that child your going to think of the past and what has happened. What happened the next time she feels the need for something else that she feel you can't or won't give her. There are other women out there. Clay I think it's unfair to compare anything else with having a baby. I'm sure there were times in the relationship she didn't get EVERYTHING her own way. She didn't betray him those times and I don't think she actually betrayed him by getting pregnant. The risks of complications in pregnancy increase with the age of a woman, men do not face the same issue. Why should she be deprived of bearing a child? She DIDN'T CHEAT, they split up. The longer she waited her chances of getting pregnant would decrease. 37 is already not a young age to have children for a woman. The fact that big steve has the dilemma, indicates that she is a good woman. I agree that as a woman, being deprived of having a child would be torture for me. I would have never married someone who I knew couldn't have kids. I totally disagree with anyone who says she's been manipulative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 This exemplifies the problem with older men who have the baggage of completed families, getting together with younger women whose body clocks are ticking. She wanted kids. Bigsteve didn't want kids but strung her along for 2 years and eventually she left. Being single she finds another guy, he makes her pregnant, but she still loves Bigsteve, they get back together, but I guess the "other man's child" got in the way and again they split and now she wants to try again. I think it is very sad for her and could have been prevented, by 1)Bigsteve realising he didn't want more kids and not dating young, single, childless, females in the first place, or 2)he could have acknowledged her need for a kid and had the op, or 3) he could have dumped her right away , instead of stringing her along for 2 years. OP She needed a kid and was driven by that need. She now has a child, and your friend is correct, your gf has put up with "another woman's children", so why is it such a big deal for you to put up with this child. Especially since you already know the reason why it was conceived outside your relationship and you were instrumental to the split up in the first place. You have already raised a non biological child, so you know the form. It could all be good here, try not to mess it up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Have you ever met the biological father? What is his relationship now with the child and with the mother? As a parent, he may always be around. Can you deal with him as well? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Have you ever met the biological father? What is his relationship now with the child and with the mother? As a parent, he may always be around. Can you deal with him as well? His ex would deal with his children's mother. Why the double standard? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Yes Tayla the baby is 5 months old, and just before the baby was born i totally stopped talking to her , she continued to here and there try to contact me but i gave it a good shot and refused to reply. She also gave the baby father a shot as well , but that didnt work out .. she messaged me like 5 times and i finally gave it ..wondering what she wanted Which baby? Confused here and trying to follow along- She was pregnant in Dec 2012 according to the post, therefore she would have had the child in Sept of 2013. Thus the child will be going on 2? Unsure I agree with your level of thinking, as to the fact that you had kids prior to meeting her. That is your past and that is your life, you seem to feel guilty for having children and using it as a reason for her to justify getting impregnated by another chap? Most here seem to think you can foster a relations with her and this child, and perhaps you can. My two cents say differently. I think you are lonely and pining for a person that really doesn't exist in reality. For the lady to whom you speak of chose to have the child, chose to leave you, chose to be with the Baby Daddy, and is now Choosing to play at your heart stings. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 This exemplifies the problem with older men who have the baggage of completed families, getting together with younger women whose body clocks are ticking. She wanted kids. I think it is very sad for her and could have been prevented, by 1)Bigsteve realising he didn't want more kids and not dating young, single, childless, females in the first place, TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS POINT^^ or 2)he could have acknowledged her need for a kid and had the op, or YEAH. I THINK MONEY WAS THE PROBLEM 3) he could have dumped her right away , instead of stringing her along for 2 years. OP It could all be good here, try not to mess it up. Elaine, I agree and you've put this very clearly. BIGSTEVE - You have your own kids. You have a vasectomy. I think this should be one of the first things you tell a GF once your getting serious, as it is a HUGE issue. I wouldn't let someone fall for me, then reveal I couldn't have kids. I don't know how early in the relationship you told her, but if I wasn't told early on, I wouldn't be too happy. Give it another go. Link to post Share on other sites
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