I love my wife and my "mistress"

[shame_on_me]

I am new here and I have been reading lots of stories on here lately, I shall give you mines.

 

I am a 49 yeard old happily married man for 28 years, we have had our ups and downs like most but for the most part our relationship has been happy and healthy. We have 2 children aged 16 and 6. I have a great job and thus my wife does not need to work. A few years ago our sex life declined rapidly and we are lucky if we have had sex a dozen times in the last 3 years, i thought i was ok with this. My wife was my first love.

 

My problem is i met this woman last year she is 30 and she has blown me away, we were drunk one night and we kissed, we had always been attracted to each other and i have always thought she was a beautiful woman, way out my league, turns out she thought the same. At first it was about the sex i told her upfront and she was happy with this arrangement. The sex is mindblowing and the most adventurous I have ever had. She is also married but she is unhappy in her marriage and has not had sex with him since the birth of their child 2 years ago, i do not dispute this. We agreed we would stop in June this year 6 months after we started, but i guess we couldnt because its now december but i have told her it finishes in Feb and i will stick to this - we text continuously, and meet up a few times a week (we live in the same neighbourhood) for a chat and a kiss and sometimes sex but for the most we keep that to the hotels. She is an amazing and a very interesting woman and unfortunately i have fallen in love with her. I love my wife too but in a different way, my mistress is full of passion and love for me, she's interested in everything i do, she's always full of compliments and appreciates me, this sounds really bad typing this out i know but thats how it is. I have to end this affair before people get hurt but i cant let her go i will break her heart not mentioning my wifes heart and our family. I dont want to leave my wife but i also cant bear the thought of losing my girl. She has told me when we finish she doesnt want any contact with me ever again, this kills me. She's so beautiful and i cant ever imagine never seeing her look at me again the way she does.

 

Sorry if this is abit erratic but i have tried to add as much as i can, im not even sure why i am on here asking for help.

[waterwoman]

Tell your wife. Let her decide what is to happen. It will clear the fog quicker than anything when you witness her pain.

 

"A few years ago our sex life declined rapidly and we are lucky if we have had sex a dozen times in the last 3 years, i thought i was ok with this. My wife was my first love." Address this too. It can be mended but did you ever make it clear to her that it was a problem? Perhaps she felt the same way.

 

Yes, sadly your 'girl' will be hurt too but she took that chance when she got involved with a married man. She can't really be surprised by it.

[Realist3]

Trust me, it won't end because of some arbitrary date you plucked out of the air. It just doesn't work that way once you are in love.

 

Like you I see and text my MOW almost daily, sometimes a few times a day as we also live in close proximity. If you are wanting to slow things down try cutting back on those contacts.

 

Anyway, best of luck to you.

[shame_on_me]

I have tried mate, but she goes mental if i do and gets upset because she thinks im ignoring her, and for some crazy reason this makes me want her even more.

 

We text approx 20 times per day sometimes more if I am on my own

Edited December 12, 2012 by shame_on_me

[whichwayisup]

You're in what most call the 'affair fantasy bubble.'

 

OF course you love this woman, she's got it all and makes you so happy, fulfills all your needs. That's some affairs are all about. Nothing goes wrong in A's..it's intense and perfect, happy go lucky. Neither of you have day to day routines, kids to deal with, in laws, life overall, work, etc..etc.. You don't have any responsibility towards each other nor obligation. Either of you can say it's over and be done with it, no ties - meaning no custody, no house or financial issues to solve..just emotions. Hope this makes sense.

 

You want reality? Tell her you're going to divorce your wife and she needs to divorce her husband - Even take it so far as, once you tell your wife you're going to fight for her and come for her. Watch her reaction carefully. Either she'll be game and up for it or she'll retreat backwards.

 

You two can't keep going this way. Innocent people (your wife, your kids, your family unit as one, her husband and family if she has children as well) are going to get really hurt and have their lives turned upside down sooner or later. your wife probably knows something is "off" about you but trusts you and figures you'd never cheat or betray her in the worst way possible.

 

I do agree with realist (almost a first!) it won't end in Feb. Why you ask? because neither of you really want it to end.

[whichwayisup]

I have tried mate, but she goes mental if i do and gets upset because she thinks im ignoring her, and for some crazy reason this makes me want her even more.

 

We text approx 20 times per day sometimes more if I am on my own

 

You better be really careful. It's those types of OW/MOW who can do a 180 and become bunny boilers if pushed past their emotional limit. Imagine her calling your wife, telling her all that you've been up to. Never say never.. The fact that you've said "mental" IS a huge and I mean HUGE red flag.

 

If you really are serious about ending your affair, start by going to counseling. Then, take time to really sit down and read about the devastation and heartache betrayed spouses go through, how it can tear a family apart. Think ahead, not just in the heat of the moment.

 

You love this woman but you only know her in an affair setting. You don't "know" her on an intimate level but you don't know 'who' she is..Just like she doesn't know you. But, your wife knows you well and her husband knows her well. Make sense? See what I'm getting at here?

[Realist3]

I have tried mate, but she goes mental if i do and gets upset because she thinks im ignoring her, and for some crazy reason this makes me want her even more.

 

We text approx 20 times per day sometimes more if I am on my own

 

Yep, we text a bunch as well, more than that. It sounds like you are in the position of my MOW. She starts feeling it is affecting her too much to hide, so we both agree to slow it down for a bit. That was especially true in the first year. Now, slow downs happen less frequently. All it takes is an honest discussion with her. She should understand.

[beenburned]

You need to tell your wife exactly what is going on, so she can make an informed decision about what she wants to do about the situation!

[Realist3]

I would not tell your wife.

[shame_on_me]

I will try and answer as best as i can:

 

* She wont tell my wife she is not that type of person. She may be in love with me but that isnt her nature to destroy me.

 

* Unfortunately my wife isnt attracted to me sexually anymore i have brought it up and we had sex but it wasnt the same she just lay there with no emotion or passion in her. I was ok with not having sex until ow came along.

 

* She would end her marriage in a heartbeat if i asked her to she is planning on leaving him anyway and i cant allow myself to think of her with another man, it sickens me.

 

* I want to end this with minimum hurt for her, but i fear i am becoming irrational in my thinking ways - I sometimes think what it would be like to be with her all the time and i like these thoughts but then i think of being away from my wife and family and this hurts more. There is my answer i cant live without my family nor my wife.

 

 

* I wish i had the b*lls to end this because if my wife finds out she will literally cut my b*lls off and feed me them.

[shame_on_me]

No I will not tell my wife.

 

Yes i am having my cake and stuffing my face with it, im being truthful here, i am being very selfish to both women, my wife mostly.

[whichwayisup]

No I will not tell my wife.

 

Yes i am having my cake and stuffing my face with it, im being truthful here, i am being very selfish to both women, my wife mostly.

 

Glad you're owning this.

 

All I can say is, again, you don't know this woman that well. People do crazy things when pushed past their emotional limit and do things that they normally wouldn't ever do.

 

I hope you do find the balls to tell your wife..Better for her to find out the truth from you rather than finding out on her own, or someone else telling her. Never say never. It happens a lot more than you realize. And, I hope it scares you.. You are risking ALL that you love - wife, family unit as one, respect from your parents, in laws, maybe friends too, the lifestyle you've become accustomed to, the house - ALL of it could be gone .. All for what? Is what you're doing worth throwing away all that you have? Give that some thought and please, seek counseling. If you put HALF as much energy into your wife instead of this MW, your marriage would be much better.

[beenburned]

Shame,

 

It is very normal for long term marriages to get stale from all of the daily responsibilities!(even the sex)

 

Sign up for marriage counseling for you and your wife! Then discuss honestly all of the problems you BOTH see in the marriage!

 

Having an affair is NO WAY to fix a stale marriage, it is only dropping a BOMB on it and destroying everything it took you both years to build.

[stillafool]

 

* Unfortunately my wife isnt attracted to me sexually anymore i have brought it up and we had sex but it wasnt the same she just lay there with no emotion or passion in her. I was ok with not having sex until ow came along.

 

 

You guys have been married for a long time. Maybe your wife has her own OM and keeping this secret from you. Would you be okay with that?

[MissBee]

You're in what most call the 'affair fantasy bubble.'

 

OF course you love this woman, she's got it all and makes you so happy, fulfills all your needs. That's some affairs are all about. Nothing goes wrong in A's..it's intense and perfect, happy go lucky. Neither of you have day to day routines, kids to deal with, in laws, life overall, work, etc..etc.. You don't have any responsibility towards each other nor obligation. Either of you can say it's over and be done with it, no ties - meaning no custody, no house or financial issues to solve..just emotions. Hope this makes sense.

 

You want reality? Tell her you're going to divorce your wife and she needs to divorce her husband - Even take it so far as, once you tell your wife you're going to fight for her and come for her. Watch her reaction carefully. Either she'll be game and up for it or she'll retreat backwards.

 

You two can't keep going this way. Innocent people (your wife, your kids, your family unit as one, her husband and family if she has children as well) are going to get really hurt and have their lives turned upside down sooner or later. your wife probably knows something is "off" about you but trusts you and figures you'd never cheat or betray her in the worst way possible.

 

I do agree with realist (almost a first!) it won't end in Feb. Why you ask? because neither of you really want it to end.

 

I agree.

 

These intense feelings are real, in that you do really feel them...but it's far removed from reality. It's like every relationship that starts out super romantic, intense, etc. all of it is built up around emotions and thrills until it wears off - THEN you see if what you have is sustainable. Some take offense to people saying an A is often a fantasy....but reality is, that's how it often is! Just because of the nature of it. I think part of you also knows this and many MM kind of know this, hence they want "their girl" AND wife. Because they know that the fact that the OW is the OW is what makes it passionate, fun, exciting and novel and aren't trying to get a new wife as the OW serves a function and so does the wife.

 

Of course your feelings for this new woman are different. You've been with one woman for 28 years...of course a new woman, who you also think is beautiful and out of your league, being romantically involved with you feels exciting and wonderful, no one can deny that it feels great. I can indeed understand this. But at the end of the day...as it often goes, many As aren't built on sustainable things. You already said you don't want to leave your wife....but you admit to wanting to cake eat, you want your wife and your OW (which is what most MP want...the best of both worlds versus choosing between 2 very different worlds or the fear they'll have nothing at all). You can't cake eat indefinitely though. What will happen if your wife finds out? What will happen if her husband finds out? How would you feel if your wife was to get into an A? How will your kids feel? What's MORE important for you, having your A or your family? Perhaps you need to channel some of this energy into reigniting the spark in your marriage? Discuss with your wife how you're feeling and decide to work on your intimacy issues. That could help...have you ever done that before?

[frozensprouts]

OP,

it sounds like you have gotten yourself into a really untenable situation...

 

I know that you don't want to tell your wife, but I would ask you why you don't want to tell her. If your answer is ' i don't want to hurt her"...trust me, you already are. You are hurting her, and the added insult to the injury is that she doesn't even know it yet.

 

If your answer is " I don't want to lose her", I appreciate your honesty, but would like to point out that it's pretty selfish. You say that you love her, but by not telling her, you take away her choices in life and, in effect, force her to stay in marriage that is built on a lie. Does that sound like a loving act to you?

 

Really, when it comes right down to it, what gives you the right to determine how your wife should or shouldn't live her life? It would be one thing if she knew what was going on and decided to stay, but you are not giving her the information she needs to make that informed decision.

 

As for your other woman...to be honest, if you say that she "goes mental" every time you try and end things ( which you say you both agreed on up front)...think about that for a minute...to me, that behavior sounds either manipulative or disturbed...

 

I don't know your other woman, but I can give you a very brief outline of my husband's ex-other woman, who sounded similar. She seemed pretty stable, until he ended things with her, then she kind of went off the deep end. She started sending me a huge amount of emails, phone calls, etc. She would sit outside our house in her car and watch me and my kids playing out in the yard. When we were out in public, she came up to us and said something nasty and cruel to my kids that made them cry. She sent my husband "anonymous" emails trying to tell him I was cheating on him ( that was pretty weird, as each was marked with the source of the email, which was her). Stuff like this went on for a number of years until I finally got some legal help and made her stop.

 

You say your other woman would never become unhinged, but you don't know just what a person will do if they feel they have been pushed too far. The longer you stay with her, the greater the chance there is that this could happen.

 

You don't sound like a bad guy, but you do sound like a guy whos' acting in a pretty cr@ppy way. How can you look at your wife who loves you every day knowing what you are doing behind her back? How can you live with that?

[frozensprouts]

OP,

one thing I would advise you to do is to look at the threads on here about how painful it can be to be a betrayed spouse. Read them , and let it sink in. I don't know if you realize just how much damage you may be doing to someone you say you love...

[shame_on_me]

How can I live with that ?? Simple - I cant, I hate it, I hate the lying and deceit and i fully want to and intend to end this affair. I hate looking into my wifes eyes knowing full well that i had sex with another woman just hours before, i also hate that i loved every minute of it and that i will go to bed tonight and think of her. I will wake up in the morning beside my wife and feel guilty for dreaming about her and i will kiss my wife goodbye before leaving for work. Then i will text my girl.

 

I love my wife wholeheartedly and cannot live without her or my kids but i simply cannot remove ow from my mind, everywhere i go something reminds me of her, i cant wait to see her again, i cant wait to see what she is wearing, i cant wait to see her face light up when she see's me waiting for her.

 

I am a god damned fool i know what i am going to lose because of this but i cant let her go. She is almost 20 years my junior and she is beautiful beyond words i know she will walk past me in a few years time when i am fully grey and not give me a second glance. She denies this.

[shame_on_me]

I think a few of you misunderstood when i mentioned that she goes mental when i dont text back, she does get abit stroppy but she doesnt verbally attack me at all, she is not like that. She would not tell my wife nor would she attempt to sabotage my marriage. Dont ask me why i know this i just do

[JamesM]

How can I live with that ?? Simple - I cant, I hate it, I hate the lying and deceit and i fully want to and intend to end this affair. I hate looking into my wifes eyes knowing full well that i had sex with another woman just hours before, i also hate that i loved every minute of it and that i will go to bed tonight and think of her. I will wake up in the morning beside my wife and feel guilty for dreaming about her and i will kiss my wife goodbye before leaving for work. Then i will text my girl.

 

It is a the and love situation. You hate what you do to your wife, but you love the thrill of the affair. You love the feel of the great sex, but you hate yourself for doing what you are doing to your wife. You love the excitement of the beautiful young woman, but you hate that you are stepping all over the 28 years of memories.

 

You want your wife and children, but you want your mistress. You really want to be a happy family again, but you cannot give up your addiction the the adrenaline rush from the affair.

 

It is difficult.

 

I love my wife wholeheartedly and cannot live without her or my kids but i simply cannot remove ow from my mind, everywhere i go something reminds me of her, i cant wait to see her again, i cant wait to see what she is wearing, i cant wait to see her face light up when she see's me waiting for her.

 

I would dispute one word in the bolded sentence...wholeheartedly. You do NOT love her wholeheartedly if you heart also belongs to another. You do not love her wholeheartedly if you cannot wait to see another. You do not love your wife wholeheartedly if you see things that you remind you of another. You do not love your wife wholeheartedly if you look at another and think she is beautiful beyond words.

 

You must make a choice, or accept it as it is.

 

I am a god damned fool i know what i am going to lose because of this but i cant let her go. She is almost 20 years my junior and she is beautiful beyond words i know she will walk past me in a few years time when i am fully grey and not give me a second glance. She denies this.

 

Of course, she denies it! You CAN let her go, but you don't WANT to let her go.

 

As for being afraid of what will happen and saying that your mistress would never hurt you, have you never heard of the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?" Sorry but you cannot know what she would do.

 

As for "having the balls to end this," you have them. What you don't have is the desire to end it. And if your wife finds out about this whole affair from someone other than you, then "cutting your balls off" will seem much more pleasant than having her squish them unrelentingly before she cuts them off.

 

Why are you here? What do you want to hear? You know what is wrong. You know what you have to do. SO, you either want confirmation of what you have to do, or the opposite.

 

Maybe having now seen your words on screen, you might find the courage to overcome your desire and end this without being concerned about your mistress and instead being concerned about your wife.

 

But I am doubtful.

[shame_on_me]

I have never up until now disrespected my wife or her decisions about our family nor have i ever up until now been selfish. My wife has it all i did and still would do anything for her, i have many times over the years sacrificed my own and our kids happiness for her needs and ambitions (which i will not get into) but this never bothered me and i happily gave her everything. I will not and never will blame my wife for my current actions.

 

I guess i cracked

[Negative Nancy]

this thread is making me sick :sick:

[buckeyeblue]

Wake up to reality. Your mistress is not a "beautiful person". She is a cheater and a liar. She disrespects herself so much and is so desperate for attention that she is willing to hurt so many people just for personal validation. Nothing beautiful about that.

[Realist3]

Have an honest discussion with your MOW and just tell her your thoughts, that you want to end it and the reasons for that. Surely, you can both work out an amicable ending.

[Realist3]

So much judgement of the MOW when no one here has ever met her. How is that necessary or helpful? Despite what some of you may believe good people do have affairs. There is no need to tear other people down just because you disagree with their behavior.