I love my wife and my "mistress"

[shame_on_me]

Wake up to reality. Your mistress is not a "beautiful person". She is a cheater and a liar. She disrespects herself so much and is so desperate for attention that she is willing to hurt so many people just for personal validation. Nothing beautiful about that.

 

 

 

I am beginning to see alot of posts blaming her for this ?

 

I put the blame on myself for this situation and myself only. No-one else

[Realist3]

Why does she get an honest discussion but his wife does not?

 

 

Because the relationship he is seeking to end is with the MOW, not his wife.

 

Come on...

[Realist3]

I am beginning to see alot of posts blaming her for this ?

 

I put the blame on myself for this situation and myself only. No-one else

 

 

That is what you get here. There are a lot of angry betrayed spouses that can't help but project thier anger on others. Just ignore it.

[buckeyeblue]

Shame- actually, you are both to blame for your own choices.

 

Realist - you are entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. Maybe my comment struck too close to home for you?

[shame_on_me]

Realist: I have i told her a few months ago i would never leave my wife and what this affair brings me, she knows its not all about sex otherwise i dont think she would of stayed in it for so long. She knows it must end, i am the one who is terrified of losing her. But of course you are right the time has finally come to have the "conversation" again and lay everything on the table this time. I must walk away from her before I destroy her. I must take myself back to my wife and fix the things which are lacking in our marriage.

 

Thats all i can do

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

You might wish, if not already read, to read this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/360842-can-bs-cause-ws-cheat

 

After being happily married for over two decades, in the last couple of years, your sex life has appeared to decline. Since you've been married faithfully for nearly your entire adult life, I would suggest some introspection regarding cause, both within yourself and within your marriage.

 

Do you think it's possible that you're experiencing what is commonly known as a 'mid-life crisis'? Perhaps the decline in sex life has triggered it. Mortality is creeping in. Parents getting old. Friends/family experiencing ill health. Stuff happens.

 

Given the current relationship dynamic, where do you see yourself next year? In five years?

 

Why do you want to remain married?

 

If you had to identify one fear, what would it be?

[Realist3]

Shame- actually, you are both to blame for your own choices.

 

Realist - you are entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. Maybe my comment struck too close to home for you?

 

No, it did not strike too close to home for me at all. You don't know the MOW and you are casting all sorts of assertions about her which are completely unfounded and unnecessary. In other words you are not speaking from fact.

[Realist3]

Realist: I have i told her a few months ago i would never leave my wife and what this affair brings me, she knows its not all about sex otherwise i dont think she would of stayed in it for so long. She knows it must end, i am the one who is terrified of losing her. But of course you are right the time has finally come to have the "conversation" again and lay everything on the table this time. I must walk away from her before I destroy her. I must take myself back to my wife and fix the things which are lacking in our marriage.

 

Thats all i can do

 

Do whatyou feels is best and what you can handle. I went a different direction, but that is what worked for me. Only you can make the decision in the way you want to proceed. It seems like you have tried to make that decision, but are still torn. Know that it can work outr either way. Good luck.

[Cali408]

My 2 cents.

 

I've been in the same situation. Best sex ever, best friend, most beautiful woman I ever met. I still believe this by the way. I saw nothing but rainbows and unicorns. We had a 10 year friendship that blossomed. She lived 800 miles away in an unhappy marriage. My marriage was fine. I just HAD to have this woman. Unfortunately, we got busted. My wife found out. The hurt she had wiped away my selfishness. I had to make a decision. I chose to stay at home. I wasn't moving to another state and abandon my kids. I wasn't going to be living paycheck to paycheck to pay child support. My mistress is needy, insecure, and can be an emotional basket case. I know sounds like a great wagon to hitch your trailer to!

 

Anyway, at some point, you need to have logic and sense. Stop the wanderlust.

 

My wife, thank God, forgave me and are marriage has never been better. I haven't spoken to her in two years, and when I'm bored, it's still easy to long for her and want to contact her. But I would never do that to my wife.

What you need to do is be physical with your wife. Touch her, hug her, kiss her, tell her how beautiful you think she is and how much you love her. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE AFFAIR. Why hurt a mostly innocent person? As far as intimacy goes, if this doesn't work, you need to have a frank discussion about your needs in the marriage. Right now is not that time.

 

Break off the other thing today not in February. Lose the number, change yours, and STAY OFF THE INTERNET Can you look your children in the eye and tell them you're leaving and abandoning them because you have found someone who is better than their mother? Can you tell the woman you love and are married to that you are abandoning her? There is your answer. Have a pity party for yourself and know you are doing the right thing. Realize it's an addiction and try to get through each day. Don't waste your money on counseling. You fooled around and fell in love.

[sweet_pea]

I am beginning to see alot of posts blaming her for this ?

 

I put the blame on myself for this situation and myself only. No-one else

 

No one is blaming the OW for the affair, they are just pointing out that the affair skews your view of her. Do you honestly believe that someone who willingly cheats, lies and possibly destroys two families is wonderful, sweet, etc?

 

However, good for you for keeping the blame where it belongs.

[buckeyeblue]

By Shame's admission, they are both liars and cheaters. These ARE the facts.

 

I am amused by your defensiveness, Realist. Happy holidays!!

[JamesM]

Perhaps the best way to say it is...have an open discussion about where this affair where lead and where each wants it to go.

 

Do you want to be with each other? If yes, then proceed that direction. If no, then say good bye tearfully and go back to your marriage while there is yet time to fix it.

 

Do you want to continue a thrilling and secretive affair? Then discuss how you can do so while living in a marriage guilt free.

 

Do you wish the best for each other? Then discuss how that can be accomplished.

 

Whatever you do...don't avoid this issue. It will destroy your marriage and possibly you.

[shame_on_me]

No she is not needy or emotional, but i fear if i do not end this soon she will become this. I am seeing a pattern of other women becoming this way and my thinking is that it is "us" the married men who have made these women so.

[Realist3]

Shame, notice any similarities with your own mistress and the above?

 

I'll bet if realist were to be fully honest, his own mistress probably shares some of these same unstable characteristics.

 

Why would that be?

 

The initial sexual attraction and personality is what triggers the affair to get going in the first place. More subtle characteristics, negative ones, weaknesses, tend to be mutually hidden.

 

Although the above poster claimed his marriage was perfectly happy, that claim is inconsistent with being willing to enter an affair in the first place, so there is a pretty big disconnnect.

 

The obvious question which people starting affairs often seem to overlook is "If this other person is so great, then why are they even available to have an affair with me in the first place?"

 

Think about it.

 

You would lose that bet.

 

As to your question. A person can be great and still be available for an affair. What makes you think the two are mutually exclusive?

 

Two people can be great and be involved with unfulfilling marriages. They meet and they connect. Being involved in the affair speaks nothing to the greatness of the two involved.

[frozensprouts]

No she is not needy or emotional, but i fear if i do not end this soon she will become this. I am seeing a pattern of other women becoming this way and my thinking is that it is "us" the married men who have made these women so.

 

 

ummm....

 

did anyone "make" you cheat on your wife? who is "making" her cheat on her husband?

 

is she a child and not able to make decisions for herself? she's the way she is because of decisions she made...you've made her no promises, she knows what's going on, and she's somehow able to go home and function well enough that her husband doesn't suspect a thing...

 

if she is unstable, she always was, and while you may have exacerbated that ( and by "you" I men the two of you) you didn't create something that wasn't already there...take a look at the other men/women section...there are lots of women there who are hurting, been lied to and treated like crud, yet they aren't being manipulative or "losing it"...

 

honestly, it sounds like your affair is nothing more than the 'garden variety" of thing...two people who are very being selfish and only thinking of themselves, yet assigning this great emotional menaing to it to somehow feel less guilty

 

( for the "no sex'...you said yourself that your wife was willing to have sex with you, yet it wasn't the "type" if sex you wanted - you didn't feel any emotion from her. You then go on to say that you were okay with this, but when you met your other woman, all of a sudden your wife wasn't enough for you anymore...think about that for a minute...in a very real way, you're punishing your wife for something she knew nothing about....)

 

if your marriage is over, then it is over. if it isn't, it isn't, but all this high flung sentiment about how much you love your wife , while all the while you are going behind her back and doing the one thing that could hurt her the most...how do you rationalize that?

 

if you really want to stop, find a way. talk to your wife about how you feel. let her know that you are unhappy or that you are not feeling fulfilled. work together to try and find a way forward...if you can't, you can't, but at least you will have tried.

If you feel you simply can't give up your other woman, then tell your wife you want an open marriage. If you love her at all, you'll at least give her the respect of being honest with her...if she's as cold as you say she is, she may be okay with that...she'll be there for some things and your other woman can be there for others...as long as you are honest, it's not the worst thing in he world

[Realist3]

It's entirely unrealistic to propose that two dishonest people, whose relationship is at its foundation, based on dishonesty, are likely capable of having anything approaching an "honest" discussion with each other.

 

No, both the OP and his married affair partner entered into the affair for their own selfish reasons, seeking to fulfill their own perceived needs, and the other happened to be willing, and available. But nothing about it is consistent with how an "honest" person behaves.

 

 

No it is not unrealistic at all. The two are completely unrelated. Just because they had to be dishonest about being together does not mean they are dishonest with each other. That includes anout three logical fallacies in one statement, the main one being post hoc ergo propter hoc. Your statement simply has no basis.

 

The honesty of a person in the future is completely unrelated to the honesty of the person in the past.

 

Everyone participating on this board has told a lie at some point or another in their lifetime. By your logic, or lack of logic, no one could ever have an honest discussion because they have previously been dishonest. Total bunk!!!!!!

[Realist3]

I can't take it anymore. You're line of thinking is so skewed that nobody can reason with you...I'm going to utilize that wonderful ignore feature.

 

 

That is your choice. I have yet to see any reasoning from you to this point, but I will continue to read your posts because it does not bother me to read disagreeing points of view.

[scatterd]

You need to read other post here about what happens when affairs are discovered also what happens when the affairs end. I bet your wife knows something is not right I did. Your an older man sleeping with a younger woman that is having a hard time in her marriage.Things change once a person divorces allot of times they end up with someone else besides the person they cheat with. You may think this is worth it now but I guarantee when you get caught will feel different. Your thinking is all over the place. Your affair is not a real relationship and if it was it would end up boring also thats what happens to many relationships after years of marriage. It takes work to make it better and not boring. I do not know what goes on in the bedroom with you and your wife but if you spent time doing to her what your doing with OW I bet she would respond. you took the innocence from your marriage something you will never get back. How do you think you would feel if your wife had another man and could not get him off her mind because he is her soul mate and looked so hot and sexy? This could happen after finding this out. For every woman who divorces and has been cheated on their is a man out there willing to take their pain away. Wake up and look at the family that you can loose. You are not loving them the way they deserve. Stop this today not later. Take the advise you are getting from other posters they are talking from experience and also knowledge from being on LS. I hope you can end this before you get caught.

[Minnie09]

No she is not needy or emotional, but i fear if i do not end this soon she will become this. I am seeing a pattern of other women becoming this way and my thinking is that it is "us" the married men who have made these women so.

 

Don't give yourself too much credit. They are insecure in the first place. Not necessarily because they get involved with someone in a serious relationship, but because they fall for the attention and the knight-in-shining armor attitude. If someone falls head over heels for you because you admire, praise and support them no matter what, put them on a pedestal and spoil them even though they know you're taken (and they're taken), something is inherently wrong with their self-esteem. Sure, they can't believe why the knight-in-shining-armor-guy suddenly turns into the person that throws them under the bus, and tries to protect his assets and status quo, and THAT disappointment makes them needy and mental, but trust me, in order to get involved in a sham, selfishly and without thinking twice, you have to be lacking something within yourself. That, btw, applies to you as well, not only to your OW. People who are empty inside tend to fall for attention easily.

[Cali408]

Look, there is a reason why you are on this forum. Obviously, you are either trying to justify your affair or looking to end it. So at least you might be malleable. But take it from someone who got caught.

 

End it and channel the wasted energy toward your wife and your business.

 

An affair is like a great vacation. It's exciting, happy thrilling, etc. But like a vacation, there is a bill to pay at the end. Try to minimize the expense.

[Cali408]

Don't give yourself too much credit. They are insecure in the first place. Not necessarily because they get involved with someone in a serious relationship, but because they fall for the attention and the knight-in-shining armor attitude. If someone falls head over heels for you because you admire, praise and support them no matter what, put them on a pedestal and spoil them even though they know you're taken (and they're taken), something is inherently wrong with their self-esteem. Sure, they can't believe why the knight-in-shining-armor-guy suddenly turns into the person that throws them under the bus, and tries to protect his assets and status quo, and THAT disappointment makes them needy and mental, but trust me, in order to get involved in a sham, selfishly and without thinking twice, you have to be lacking something within yourself. That, btw, applies to you as well, not only to your OW. People who are empty inside tend to fall for attention easily.

 

 

This was me and this is SPOT-ON advice! I was so selfish, I didn't want her to be happy with anyone but me. I was her knight in shining armor, always supporting. But I was also manipulative. I was determined to break that marriage up. I did throw her under the bus, big time to cover my hide. I was a horrible human being and racked up some serious hell points. Her marriage is over, mine is healthy and intact.

[Tainted love]

Your OW says she is in an unhappy marriage and is leaving her H. If you end your relationship with her and she might see it as unfair that you return what she perceives as a happy family and make comparisons with her own situation.

 

It may be then that she decides to tell your wife - I was told anonymously by the OW but my SO exposed her. It showed just how resentful and desperate she was.

 

Tell your wife. Let all of the lies and deceit go. At least your W might respect your honesty. You're risking a lot by putting all your trust in someone you are infatuated with who is most likely presenting the best possible version of herself to you in the snatches of time you spend together. But you don't really know her at all, you can only judge her by how she is when she's being the most perfect version of herself.

 

Your W deserves it. I'd rather know than unknowingly live a lie.

 

I wish you luck and I hope your infatuation ends soon. But, it sounds like you have low self esteem yourself and its likely that its not the OW you're interested in, what you're infatuated with is how she makes you feel. None of this is about her or your W - it's about you filling the gaps within yourself.

[sweet_pea]

To be honest, I don't think he'll end it today or anytime soon. The only way it'll end is when it's exposed. He's in the fog and as most know, the only way out is with something like exposure. But, that's just my .02

[JamesM]

An affair is like a great vacation. It's exciting, happy thrilling, etc. But like a vacation, there is a bill to pay at the end. Try to minimize the expense.

 

Excellent quote!

[Lucy1722]

Hmmmm and I thought I was unique....go figure

Was married for 22 years and thought my marriage was healthy even though sex sucked and my W was extremely critical. Then one day I meet this beautiful 27 year old woman (yes 23 years age difference) and suddenly my life took on new meaning.

 

The OW was exactly like you describe and she made me feel like a million bucks. To make a long story short within three weeks of me starting an affair with this woman I moved out on my wife. All seemed like a dream and to this day still doesn. I remember us texting hundreds of times a day and I shared a connection with this woman like none other.

 

So I move out on my wife and my kids are devastated and get a room thinking this is only going to be a temporary situation. A few months later I ended up moving in with OW and shortly after that told my kids I was seeing another woman. I had no idea how my life was about to change. My relationship with my kids was destroyed and they completely stopped talking to me for months. As a recovering alcoholic I ended up relapsing over the pain which then caused even more problems.

 

To make a long story short I still have a relationship with this OW although I have tried to leave her countless times but find myself unable to leave. I love this woman, I love the way she makes me feel, I love everything about this woman BUT the realities of being with her are BRUTAL. My kids talk to me now but my relationship is still strained and distant. I really didnt want to be a father to OW kids but eventually found myself adjusting to raising two very young kids.

 

And dont forget how being with a much younger woman will effect how your friends, family and co-workers look at you. I know people are judging me for this but again I love this woman and will suffer the consequences.

 

Ultimately being with the OW has had HUGE consequences and will strain the relationship. You will be surprised at how difficult it is to carry on a relationship like this BUT as painful as it is at times I love this woman and think she's worth it.

 

Last but not least I know you completely underestimate how difficult it will be to break things off. Trust me I tried more times than you you fingers and toes. Trying to leave this woman was MUCH MUCH MUCH harder than stopping drinking.

 

Good luck with your journey and enjoy the OW for all she's worth. You will never again experience such exciting unbelievable sex and love.