I love my wife and my "mistress"

[sweet_pea]

Hmmmm and I thought I was unique....go figure

Was married for 22 years and thought my marriage was healthy even though sex sucked and my W was extremely critical. Then one day I meet this beautiful 27 year old woman (yes 23 years age difference) and suddenly my life took on new meaning.

 

The OW was exactly like you describe and she made me feel like a million bucks. To make a long story short within three weeks of me starting an affair with this woman I moved out on my wife. All seemed like a dream and to this day still doesn. I remember us texting hundreds of times a day and I shared a connection with this woman like none other.

 

So I move out on my wife and my kids are devastated and get a room thinking this is only going to be a temporary situation. A few months later I ended up moving in with OW and shortly after that told my kids I was seeing another woman. I had no idea how my life was about to change. My relationship with my kids was destroyed and they completely stopped talking to me for months. As a recovering alcoholic I ended up relapsing over the pain which then caused even more problems.

 

To make a long story short I still have a relationship with this OW although I have tried to leave her countless times but find myself unable to leave. I love this woman, I love the way she makes me feel, I love everything about this woman BUT the realities of being with her are BRUTAL. My kids talk to me now but my relationship is still strained and distant. I really didnt want to be a father to OW kids but eventually found myself adjusting to raising two very young kids.

 

And dont forget how being with a much younger woman will effect how your friends, family and co-workers look at you. I know people are judging me for this but again I love this woman and will suffer the consequences.

 

Ultimately being with the OW has had HUGE consequences and will strain the relationship. You will be surprised at how difficult it is to carry on a relationship like this BUT as painful as it is at times I love this woman and think she's worth it.

 

Last but not least I know you completely underestimate how difficult it will be to break things off. Trust me I tried more times than you you fingers and toes. Trying to leave this woman was MUCH MUCH MUCH harder than stopping drinking.

 

Good luck with your journey and enjoy the OW for all she's worth. You will never again experience such exciting unbelievable sex and love.

 

Uh, I'd beg to differ. From what I've read, a lot of couples who've gone through hysterical bonding experiment amazing sex. Also, once again, from what I've read of those who have reconciled, many relationships experience even better love than before.

 

But hey, at least you're honest with your feelings.

[drifter777]

Why can't you just sit down and tell your wife that since she is not interested in sex anymore that you are going to find it somewhere else? Maybe she feels guilty about abandoning you sexually and will welcome the idea that you get off with another woman. At least it can get the two of you talking and maybe from there you can find a solution that works for both of you.

[William]

Let's remain focused on the thread starter and his issues of loving his wife and his mistress. Stage Two.

[pteromom]

Your affair is not real.

 

As noted, you do not share children or bills or scheduling or job woes with your mistress. She is an ESCAPE from reality.

 

And part of the love you feel for her is actually love for the escape.

 

You guys are free to give yourselves to each other with wild abandon and no consequences. No sick kids, resentment over division of household chores, money woes, job stress, or anything else gets in the way.

 

Your poor wife on the other hand is part of reality. Your relationship with her comes with all the baggage of a tedious routine life. She cannot compete with your mistress.

 

BUT - if you were to leave your wife and get with your mistress full-time, you'd find things would change drastically. Not only would you guys have to work on merging your lives, but you'd have to deal with parenting with angry betrayed exes and angry betrayed children.

 

It would NOT be the sunshine and roses you experience now.

 

You need to ask yourself if amazing sex is really worth risking your entire life. Because you are. If you are found out, your wife will hate you. Your children will hate you. Your family and your wife's family will hate you. Your co-workers will lose respect for you. You will become "that guy" - Mr. Midlife Crisis, who traded his wife in for a younger model.

 

Is that worth the risk to you? If not, you need to end this affair NOW. You need to worry less about how your mistress will deal with hurt feelings, and more about how to repair your real life.

 

And I too would not tell your wife about the affair. At least, not right now. You need to first put your energy back into your marriage and see what happens when you do that.

[freestyle]

You need to first put your energy back into your marriage and see what happens when you do that.

 

 

^^^^^This.

 

The grass is greenest where you water it.

 

OP--you complained about there being no passion coming from your wife, in the sack....

 

 

Is it possible that YOU're not investing enough of your energy & passion there? What have YOU done, to keep things spicy, & interesting?

[KathyM]

You should be investing your time and efforts into reestablishing your physical relationship with your wife, through marriage counseling or whatever means you can. By seeking the physical outside of your marriage, you are not only preventing your relationship problem in that regard from being addressed with your wife, but you are also destroying two families in the process. This extramarital relationship is also taking away the emotions/feelings/attachment that rightfully belongs to your wife. If you value your wife and children at all, or if you have any sense of honor, you will stop this selfish behavior before it destroys all of you. And I would suggest you confess this to your wife so that you can either begin the road to recovery with her, or end the marriage without continuing in a dishonorable, deceitful way.

[carhill]

OP--you complained about there being no passion coming from your wife, in the sack....

 

 

Is it possible that YOU're not investing enough of your energy & passion there? What have YOU done, to keep things spicy, & interesting?

 

That is why I suggested the OP read the 'cause' thread to understand such dynamics more clearly. He stated that their sex life had deteriorated over a couple years prior to him approaching a mistress. What did he do/say, and what did his spouse do/say, to 'cause' that dynamic of sexual/intimate distance to occur and escalate? The OP states he has a great job and his spouse has historically not had to work. Traditionally, the home and family life would be her work in such circumstances. I think more information on that dynamic would be helpful in understanding the marriage and perhaps the OP could address those dynamics if he wishes to recover his marriage to a healthy state.

 

OP, when you state you 'love your wife in a different way', what do you mean? Be specific.

[Mr. Lucky]

We agreed we would stop in June this year 6 months after we started, but i guess we couldnt because its now december but i have told her it finishes in Feb and i will stick to this

Break off the other thing today not in February.

Shame, I don't know if this will add anything to the discussion, but why February? What is significant about that month?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LoveTKO]

Not looking good pal. If anyone is going to lose control and turn into a stalker it's you. Think about for a second. You are so high on the perks of this affair because it's an escape form what you stated as a marriage with a boring sex life. Forgoing a wild and crazy sex life with a woman who you said is out of your league is going to be tantamount to heroin withdrawal.

[Furious]

I am new here and I have been reading lots of stories on here lately, I shall give you mines.

 

I am a 49 yeard old happily married man for 28 years, we have had our ups and downs like most but for the most part our relationship has been happy and healthy. We have 2 children aged 16 and 6. I have a great job and thus my wife does not need to work. A few years ago our sex life declined rapidly and we are lucky if we have had sex a dozen times in the last 3 years, i thought i was ok with this. My wife was my first love.

 

My problem is i met this woman last year she is 30 and she has blown me away, we were drunk one night and we kissed, we had always been attracted to each other and i have always thought she was a beautiful woman, way out my league, turns out she thought the same. At first it was about the sex i told her upfront and she was happy with this arrangement. The sex is mindblowing

and the most adventurous I have ever had. She is also married but she is unhappy in her marriage and has not had sex with him since the birth of their child 2 years ago, i do not dispute this. We agreed we would stop in June this year 6 months after we started, but i guess we couldnt because its now december but i have told her it finishes in Feb and i will stick to this - we text continuously, and meet up a few times a week (we live in the same neighbourhood) for a chat and a kiss and sometimes sex but for the most we keep that to the hotels. She is an amazing and a very interesting woman and unfortunately i have fallen in love with her. I love my wife too but in a different way, my mistress is full of passion and love for me, she's interested in everything i do, she's always full of compliments and appreciates me, this

sounds really bad typing this out i know but thats how it is. I have to end this affair before people get hurt but i cant let her go i will break her heart not mentioning my wifes heart and our family. I dont want to leave my wife but i also cant bear the thought of losing my girl. She has told me when we finish she doesnt want any contact with me ever again, this kills me. She's so beautiful and i cant ever imagine never seeing her look at me again the way she does.

 

Sorry if this is abit erratic but i have tried to add as much as i can, im not even sure why i am on here asking for help.

 

 

 

 

I think you should leave your wife for the OW.

 

I don't understand why you think you must stay married to your wife.

Your wife will move on, she will not die without you.

[whichwayisup]

. My kids talk to me now but my relationship is still strained and distant. I really didnt want to be a father to OW kids but eventually found myself adjusting to raising two very young kids.

 

This is really painful to read. Your own kids may feel like second fiddle since you live with OW now and are step father to her children. The pain your kids feel, like you chose another family over them must be so difficult for everybody. I hope in time you all can do family counseling and have a relationship again with your kids.

 

To Shame - Are you ready to turn your kids lives upside down? Try to learn from other people's situations. And please do counseling, it'll help you gain the strength to either end your affair or end your marriage. Honestly, I'm not sure which camp you're really in seeing as what you feel for your wife can't compare or compete with the exciting and lustful emotions you feel for your OW.

[Realist3]

Going by what Shame stated he is concerned about the large age difference between himself and his MOW. 19 years is quite a bit. Right now it is fine, but what about in 10 years? That is a logical concern.

[Furious]

Going by what Shame stated he is concerned about the large age difference between himself and his MOW. 19 years is quite a bit. Right now it is fine, but what about in 10 years? That is a logical concern.

 

 

His OW loves him, for who he is, she is aware of the age difference, why wouldn't she still love him when he's 70 or 80.

[pteromom]

His OW loves him, for who he is, she is aware of the age difference, why wouldn't she still love him when he's 70 or 80.

 

Maybe she would.

 

But the age difference is one more check mark in the "con" column that may make life more difficult as they age.

 

She will be in the prime of her life while he's at the end of his. That's a valid concern.

 

"Love" is great, but sometimes it's not enough to overcome obstacles.

[nofool4u]

I have to end this affair before people get hurt but i cant let her go i will break her heart

 

Sorry to say it like this, but thats just tough toenails for your mistress. She is cheating on her husband and helping you cheat on yours. She knew what she was getting herself into.

 

But honestly, you probably ought to end it with your wife. You know damn well you'll never be satisfied with a woman your age now. You'll always be pining for that young woman sex. And that shouldn't be your wife's problem.

 

 

I dont want to leave my wife

 

Why not? You'll never be satisfied with her. You'll always want that mind blowing young woman sex.

 

 

but i also cant bear the thought of losing my girl. She has told me when we finish she doesnt want any contact with me ever again, this kills me. She's so beautiful and i cant ever imagine never seeing her look at me again the way she does.

 

Then do your wife a favor and get a divorce. She doesn't deserve a husband that will always be out on the lookout for the bigger better younger deal.

[nofool4u]

Tell your wife. Let her decide what is to happen.

 

Yes, this.

 

She deserves to know what she is married to. She deserves also the decision on how her life turns out. If he doesn't tell her, he is taking that decision away from her.

[nofool4u]

I have tried mate, but she goes mental if i do and gets upset because she thinks im ignoring her, and for some crazy reason this makes me want her even more.

 

See here is the thing, at 49, you probably still look relatively good. You don't look like her grand pappy just yet.

 

With a 19 year age difference, when she is a hot 40, you'll be close to collecting social security and looking quit grandfatherish. Oh how she'll change her mind about wanting you then.

[Realist3]

His OW loves him, for who he is, she is aware of the age difference, why wouldn't she still love him when he's 70 or 80.

 

She very well might, but that is an unknown given their relatively short history together.

[Furious]

Maybe she would.

 

But the age difference is one more check mark in the "con" column that may make life more difficult as they age.

 

She will be in the prime of her life while he's at the end of his. That's a valid concern.

 

"Love" is great, but sometimes it's not enough to overcome obstacles.

 

I can see that it might be a valid concern for "Shame", but I would imagine his wife wouldn't be pleased to win the cheating old husband by default if she were to discover the affair.

[Realist3]

I can see that it might be a valid concern for "Shame", but I would imagine his wife wouldn't be pleased to win the cheating old husband by default if she were to discover the affair.

 

She might not, but she just as well might be perfectly happy for the rest of her life being the default.

[Realist3]

I would say ride for all it's worth. It may end tomorrow, next month or 5 years from now, or until either one of them passes.

[shame_on_me]

Hi, sorry about the late reply

 

Many of you are under the impression that my wife is not good enough, she is more than good enough I have and will always adore her she was my first love and has gave me more than I can ever return. I never imagined in a million years I would be where I am today, maybe it is a mid-life crisis I am going through.

 

Our sex life has declined rapidly due to my wife perusing her ambitions and a few fall-outs from this, we went through a rough time a few years ago but we stayed together, since then our sex life has been different, she is not interested and I feel I have to "arrange" an appointment with her for sex.

 

I love my wife there is no doubt here and I will not reveal this affar to her and tear our marriage apart nor my children's life's. This will not happen unless of course I am found out and I get my deserve.

 

Many of you are correct though in your thoughts regarding my mistress, I have thought long and hard this evening about what it is about her that I love and feel I can't live without, the simple answer is ... She cares! She always compliments me, she's interested in me and what interests I have. My wife simply isn't anymore and by no means is this her fault none of this is her fault it is I who decided to bury myself in a young woman. I have never felt this needed and loved like this before not even in the beginning with my wife.

 

Yes I have no doubt in 10 years time my girl will not glance my way and I'm still shocked this beautiful young thing would even give me the time of day let alone long for me and declare her love.

 

I will end this by the end of the week she already knows something is up (women's intuition I suppose) I dread to see the hurt I am going to cause her and the tears that will follow. But I must because I will not do this o my wife any longer regardless of how much I feel I love ow. No I simply won't destroy 28 years over something I am not sure would even work out. My wife deserves her loving happy husband back and my young lover deserves a man her own age who will treat her like the angel she is.

 

If I have forgotten something I apologise there was so any responses

[carhill]

The OP says he's ending this affair by the end of this week. That's laudable, if his actions follow his words.

 

OP, what is your plan to affair-proof your marriage and regain the intimacy you apparently have lost with your spouse?

[shame_on_me]

Your wife deserves so much better that what you're doing to her. Stop being a selfish coward and tell her so she can make her own decisions about what she wants.

 

I am ending things with my mistress why would I tell my wife ? That does not make sense, maybe it's different from a woman's point but certainly not from a males. The affair will be over why hurt my wife so ?

[shame_on_me]

The OP says he's ending this affair by the end of this week. That's laudable, if his actions follow his words.

 

OP, what is your plan to affair-proof your marriage and regain the intimacy you apparently have lost with your spouse?

 

 

I will give my all to my marriage something that I have always done and still do even through this affair. I have gave my wife everything she has ever wanted and I will continue to do so. I will try and speak with her about our intimacy issues and see what excuse it is this month.