I love my wife and my "mistress"

[Furious]

I will give my all to my marriage something that I have always done and still do even through this affair. I have gave my wife everything she has ever wanted and I will continue to do so. I will try and speak with her about our intimacy issues and see what excuse it is this month.

 

Your marriage is over, you cannot rebuild a marriage based on deceit.

[carhill]

What do you surmise is the best and most loving Christmas present you can give your spouse? It doesn't have to be a 'thing'.

 

If you've chosen not to disclose, then you can't work as a team to affair-proof your marriage. You'll have to do this on your own. Since you have identified that you are/have been vulnerable to infidelity, it's incumbent upon yourself to identify and clarify those aspects of your personality and boundaries and actively work on them solo to grow them to a healthy standard which respects your marital agreement. You perhaps think you are in complete control and can make yourself not have another affair or continue this one. That same brain already demonstrated that it can be out of control. The controller needs help sometimes. Ask for it. Good luck.

[pteromom]

I will try and speak with her about our intimacy issues and see what excuse it is this month.

 

This sounds like you have a lot of resentment about your wife's "excuses". If you are going to recommit to your marriage holding onto resentment and blame, it isn't going to work.

 

You have to go back into it as if your wife is a new woman you are trying to woo. Let go of the old crap and rebuild something new and better, based on what you have learned through your affair.

 

You know how charming and funny and romantic and sweet you are to your mistress? Try turning all that onto your wife instead of grumbling about her excuses. See what happens.

[sweet_pea]

The whole thing that intrigues me the most, shame, is that you keep talking about how much of a wonderful husband you are to your wife. Well, hate to break it to you, but as soon as you went out of your marriage and began your affair, you being a wonderful husband became a thing of the past.

 

The fact that you appear to care way more about the OW's outcome in all of this and not your wife's speaks louder than than anything else.

 

I feel so bad for your wife, she deservers someone who will treat her well (not just with tangible things, but emotionally) and not disrespect her the way you have. I hope she finds out about what you've been up to, so she can make an informed decision as to her life. She deserves it.

[woinlove]

I am ending things with my mistress why would I tell my wife ? That does not make sense, maybe it's different from a woman's point but certainly not from a males. The affair will be over why hurt my wife so ?

 

One, if she knew the truth she may want to divorce you. You are denying her the option of making an informed choice, which I think is a cruel thing to do. Essentially tricking her to stay married to you by keeping her deceived about the truth.

 

Second, unless you are really good at deceit, you will likely have trouble establishing real intimacy while keeping up this deception. I find honesty and openness creates more intimacy and secrecy and deception kills intimacy.

[Furious]

What do you surmise is the best and most loving Christmas present you can give your spouse? It doesn't have to be a 'thing'.

 

If you've chosen not to disclose, then you can't work as a team to affair-proof your marriage. You'll have to do this on your own. Since you have identified that you are/have been vulnerable to infidelity, it's incumbent upon yourself to identify and clarify those aspects of your personality and boundaries and actively work on them solo to grow them to a healthy standard which respects your marital agreement. You perhaps think you are in complete control and can make yourself not have another affair or continue this one. That same brain already demonstrated that it can be out of control. The controller needs help sometimes. Ask for it. Good luck.

 

 

If your OW exposes the affair, or if your wife discovers it on her own, nothing you will have done on your own to improve your marriage will be of any value when d-day strikes.

[carhill]

The value will be in growing his own psychology to a healthier state, whether to recover after discovery, or to be a healthier partner for a future love relation. Whether disclosed now or discovered later, he risks the same potentials, as actions by his spouse are outside of his control. His spouse's perspective is unknown to us. As I've often been told, only the people inside the marriage truly know that marriage, and that proved to be true in my own M. IMO, if he does not disclose and does nothing to grow himself, this dynamic will repeat or continue and the unhealthiness will continue. At his age, change is difficult, but possible. Hope it works out.

[Steadfast]

People generally log on here desperate and seeking advice. Especially the infidelity forum. You're not and you admit as much in your opening post. You're venting...out loud. You want to talk with someone safe (or in this case, a whole bunch of people) get some various outlooks on the situation, then go ahead and do whatever it is you plan to do. Bonus! You get a few airheads here to agree/understand/sympathize with you. Of course.

 

But it's a free (to us) website. You can write, say or do what you want, until the mods shut it down or people lose interest. Have at it.

 

You've come clean in some areas, saying you don't have the balls to tell your wife that you're a cheater. Come cleaner. Admit that you're not worried about losing her or your kids (if you were, truly, you never would have started this) but you are truly terrified about getting taken to the cleaners financially. Your player status will get knocked down a few pegs when you're chowing at McDonalds and tossing your crap down in a one bedroom studio. That probably isn't good enough for the GF either, is it?

 

Thing is, wifey will find out, and when that happens, you stand a good chance of all that happening anyway. When not recoup a bit of your integrity, come clean with the Mrs. and build from something more solid?

 

Stop being a fraidy' cat and do something positive. Stop hiding. If you do show some mental toughness, maybe the wife will want another go. When she finds out you've been cheating, hiding and lying with no intention of ever telling her, she'll think even less of you. Everyone will. Mostly you.

 

That's my advice. Take it or leave it.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I will try and answer as best as i can:

 

* She wont tell my wife she is not that type of person. She may be in love with me but that isnt her nature to destroy me.

 

* She would end her marriage in a heartbeat if i asked her to she is planning on leaving him anyway and i cant allow myself to think of her with another man, it sickens me.

 

Your #1 above - you wait till you tell her you are done. She or someone she knows will tell your wife. Your days are numbered. This will come to light sooner or later. Prepare to face that day now.

 

Next point above - You think she is not still having sex with her H? I'm sure she is and he probably likes it and has no clue about you. You are sharing this woman right now. That is your fate for going after a married woman. Be prepared to share her later if she leaves her H for you. You are 20 years older than her. She probably likes you for your income as much as anything else. If you become a couple she's already established that you are willing to share her so she will give you sex for your income and take her pleasure with a younger man out of your sight.

[whichwayisup]

Many of you are correct though in your thoughts regarding my mistress, I have thought long and hard this evening about what it is about her that I love and feel I can't live without, the simple answer is ... She cares! She always compliments me, she's interested in me and what interests I have. My wife simply isn't anymore and by no means is this her fault none of this is her fault it is I who decided to bury myself in a young woman. I have never felt this needed and loved like this before not even in the beginning with my wife.

Yet who is going to be there for you if you get sick? Be with you during bad times in your life? Helping you with the kids, helping you cope possibly one day if one of your parents pass away? Seriously..Give this thought. The OW provides what is missing from your marriage, what your wife isn't giving you.

 

What makes me really sad for you, well for your wife, if you had told her how you truly felt inside about her neglecting you before you chose this affair path. If you had told her, "I love you, but you're not there for me, you show no interest in me, I feel like you don't care about me anymore..I am unhappy." I think if you told your wife that she would have woken up and tried harder if she thought she was going to lose you..Or if she knew you were considering cheating, then she would have made more effort.

 

Hope this makes sense to you.

[LoveTKO]

Yet who is going to be there for you if you get sick? Be with you during bad times in your life? Helping you with the kids, helping you cope possibly one day if one of your parents pass away? Seriously..Give this thought. The OW provides what is missing from your marriage, what your wife isn't giving you.

 

 

 

Hope this makes sense to you.

 

 

You make some valid points. At the same time, the state of his marriage--without the perks of the affair--is already in a state of turmoil, similar to experiencing a potential life changing event mentioned in your examples. he is going through "bad times", hence the affair. He should just get divorced and check out the swinging singles scene.

[SidLyon]

I will give my all to my marriage something that I have always done and still do even through this affair. I have gave my wife everything she has ever wanted and I will continue to do so. I will try and speak with her about our intimacy issues and see what excuse it is this month.

 

Re the bolded. Didn't she ever want a faithful husband?

[2sunny]

Realist: I have i told her a few months ago i would never leave my wife and what this affair brings me, she knows its not all about sex otherwise i dont think she would of stayed in it for so long. She knows it must end, i am the one who is terrified of losing her. But of course you are right the time has finally come to have the "conversation" again and lay everything on the table this time. I must walk away from her before I destroy her. I must take myself back to my wife and fix the things which are lacking in our marriage.

 

Thats all i can do

 

Actually, that not ALL you CAN do. Maybe it's all you intend to do...?

 

Seek counseling. The also do marriage counseling to get reconnected with your wife on the same level as you have had with this OW.

 

Spend time and energy texting your wife and plan outings to meet up - just as you have with the OW. Get reconnected! Buy her new outfits you would like to see her wear. Take her to new and exciting places/experiences...

 

 

I must ask - have you ever given your OW any money?

[Saba]

Urgh these threads make my shake my head. If you are a great husband and you give her all she wants and is everything she has ever needed why do you need to lie to her! If you are all that and more in your relationship and you come clean what problem could she possibly have. You only think you are a good guy because you are also dishonest to yourself. You need to lie to her to maintain the facade of the good husband. Don't get confused it isn't the truth it is just a facade.

[2sure]

If your wife is no longer sexually attracted to you, chances are good she is not as in love with you as either of you thinks. She may feel she is dependent upon you, but when you reveal that you feel similar to her...she will ultimately feel relieved to move on...to a loving relationship as you have.

[whichwayisup]

You make some valid points. At the same time, the state of his marriage--without the perks of the affair--is already in a state of turmoil, similar to experiencing a potential life changing event mentioned in your examples. he is going through "bad times", hence the affair. He should just get divorced and check out the swinging singles scene.

 

That isn't 'bad times'...the guy is having the time of his life, he's hardly unhappy. The events I was talking about is true life problems, illnesses, death, accidents, job loss, house fire, etc.. He's gonna rely on his OW to help him through all that? Doubtful. He's going to go to his wife.

[veryhappy]

I only read your first post, and none of the following because I know if I did I'd be sobbing by the end.

 

If she asked for no contact, please offer that. It is the only thing that you can offer her. Maintain it even if she contacts you again. Don't hold on to her selfishly, because it will only add to her pain.

 

If you can see a therapist, do that.

[2sunny]

Hi, sorry about the late reply

 

Many of you are under the impression that my wife is not good enough, she is more than good enough I have and will always adore her she was my first love and has gave me more than I can ever return. I never imagined in a million years I would be where I am today, maybe it is a mid-life crisis I am going through.

 

Our sex life has declined rapidly due to my wife perusing her ambitions and a few fall-outs from this, we went through a rough time a few years ago but we stayed together, since then our sex life has been different, she is not interested and I feel I have to "arrange" an appointment with her for sex.

 

I love my wife there is no doubt here and I will not reveal this affar to her and tear our marriage apart nor my children's life's. This will not happen unless of course I am found out and I get my deserve.

 

Many of you are correct though in your thoughts regarding my mistress, I have thought long and hard this evening about what it is about her that I love and feel I can't live without, the simple answer is ... She cares! She always compliments me, she's interested in me and what interests I have. My wife simply isn't anymore and by no means is this her fault none of this is her fault it is I who decided to bury myself in a young woman. I have never felt this needed and loved like this before not even in the beginning with my wife.

 

Yes I have no doubt in 10 years time my girl will not glance my way and I'm still shocked this beautiful young thing would even give me the time of day let alone long for me and declare her love.

 

I will end this by the end of the week she already knows something is up (women's intuition I suppose) I dread to see the hurt I am going to cause her and the tears that will follow. But I must because I will not do this o my wife any longer regardless of how much I feel I love ow. No I simply won't destroy 28 years over something I am not sure would even work out. My wife deserves her loving happy husband back and my young lover deserves a man her own age who will treat her like the angel she is.

 

If I have forgotten something I apologise there was so any responses

 

Love is a verb - an action. Your ACTIONS are not loving to your wife.

 

Your wife may not care much anymore = because you've placed so much of your energy on someone else.

 

You've started two fires. You expect to keep them both burning - flaming hot - at the SAME time! You can't! Because you're so busy stoking one fire - and it's burning bright and it's putting out all the heat. Meanwhile - the one you forget to stoke isn't hardly burning anymore!

 

You can't really keep them both burning bright at the same time without constantly stoking them. The one that gets ignored eventually burns out.

 

No wonder your wife doesn't care... YOU quit stoking her fire...

 

Love is about YOUR ACTIONS. Cheating and not being honest is harmful. That's not loving behavior.

 

If the words don't match the actions - that makes you the liar.

 

 

Your actions define who you are.

[Mystery2Me]

Is not paradise....lovely. A false, exciting, responsibility-free paradise is what you have with another man's wife. Also I have no children, but I do believe that managing your entire family is a FULL TIME JOB.

 

Quick question: Would your wife respond differently if the two of you visited this same paradise? I would think yes, perhaps she needs the opportunity to be free of family responsibilities (i.e. kids, homework, home) and only concentrate physical gratification.

 

Honestly, your lover is not road tested in your real life. If she were promoted from mistress to the role of your wife, she would not have the luxury of dedicating 100% attention to you.

 

Like you my STBXH of 15 yrs thinks I do not know about his married mistress. Truth is I hired a private investigation and unbeknownst to him have a lovely video of he and the mistress, which will be used as exhibit "A" during the divorce. Also I will be taking half of his retirement. So it may prove difficult to ride off into the sunset with his married mistress, she may in fact stop paying attention to him.

 

Finally... You do know that your lover is sleeping with her husband.

 

It's time for you to wake up and develop a plan to visit paradise with your wife.

[shame_on_me]

I can feel alot of bitterness on this thread and for that I apologise if sharing my story had upset a few of you, I am just telling you how it is with me and what i am feeling.

 

I dont understand why there is such hatered for ow on here i am to blame i will go on and live happily with my wife while her world falls apart around her and she will not have me to lean on - this is what scares me that she will have nothing at the end of this, i can go back, she cant. Yes she knew what she was doing when she entered this affair but i took advantage of her, I just hope one day she can forgive me. I will always love her and i thank her for opening my eyes about things which i am not happy about but have idly let lie for years.

 

I will end this affair its the only option I will not walk out of my marriage or my family but i can let my girl go and hope she finds someone worthy of her because i am not.

 

My wife and I will need to sit down and discuss our future and what we want from each other before we can move on, our current situation is not acceptable for either of us, we have become accustomed to a set routine which needs changing. We will both have to work on this.

 

As previously stated she will not expose the affair i "know her well enough" by now to know her characteristics. You all have your opinions and are entitled to them but I know for sure she will not and this i am not concerned about.

Edited December 13, 2012 by shame_on_me

[waterwoman]

I dont understand why there is such hatered for ow on here i am to blame i will go on and live happily with my wife while her world falls apart around her and she will not have me to lean on - this is what scares me that she will have nothing at the end of this, i can go back, she cant. Yes she knew what she was doing when she entered this affair but i took advantage of her, I just hope one day she can forgive me. I will always love her and i thank her for opening my eyes about things which i am not happy about but have idly let lie for years."

 

Why can't she go back? She has the same options as you. I don't hate your OW - I don't even hate H's OW - but I don't have all that much sympathy. The pain you and she will suffer, was pain that you chose with open eyes.

 

 

"My wife and I will need to sit down and discuss our future and what we want from each other before we can move on, our current situation is not acceptable for either of us, we have become accustomed to a set routine which needs changing. We will both have to work on this.

"

 

Good. I still think you should tell her what has been going on. She's operating at a massive disadvantage. Give her the chance to make a decision with all the facts.

[woinlove]

My wife and I will need to sit down and discuss our future and what we want from each other before we can move on, our current situation is not acceptable for either of us, we have become accustomed to a set routine which needs changing. We will both have to work on this.

 

 

Do you think you are sufficiently good at deception to "work" on your marriage with your W while keeping her in the dark about something that could very well make her wish to end the marriage and find happiness with someone more honest and loyal? I would not put much hope on getting a satisfying marriage under those conditions. I think many people who try that, end up cheating again in the future.

[Decorative]

I can feel alot of bitterness on this thread and for that I apologise if sharing my story had upset a few of you, I am just telling you how it is with me and what i am feeling.

 

I dont understand why there is such hatered for ow on here i am to blame i will go on and live happily with my wife while her world falls apart around her and she will not have me to lean on - this is what scares me that she will have nothing at the end of this, i can go back, she cant. Yes she knew what she was doing when she entered this affair but i took advantage of her, I just hope one day she can forgive me. I will always love her and i thank her for opening my eyes about things which i am not happy about but have idly let lie for years.

 

I will end this affair its the only option I will not walk out of my marriage or my family but i can let my girl go and hope she finds someone worthy of her because i am not.

 

My wife and I will need to sit down and discuss our future and what we want from each other before we can move on, our current situation is not acceptable for either of us, we have become accustomed to a set routine which needs changing. We will both have to work on this.

 

As previously stated she will not expose the affair i "know her well enough" by now to know her characteristics. You all have your opinions and are entitled to them but I know for sure she will not and this i am not concerned about.

 

I am not bitter, I am experienced on the side of your wife.

 

I hope your wife figures out what happened , and that she leaves you. Because what you are proposing, and your attitude towards her- is hollow and self serving, and she deserves better than the scraps and blame you are about to heap on her. You're going to approach her with a blame sandwich- and there's an ingredient in there that she cannot see, but it will poison her. You may not tell her that you cheated- but trust me- she will know something is off- even if you deny and lie.

 

She deserves better. So does your OW. If you really loved and respected your OW- you would have never ever had her as your OW. It's an insult to what you really think about her. You made her less than. You helped her harm her character. People who love each other don't do that.

[LoveTKO]

That isn't 'bad times'...the guy is having the time of his life, he's hardly unhappy. The events I was talking about is true life problems, illnesses, death, accidents, job loss, house fire, etc.. He's gonna rely on his OW to help him through all that? Doubtful. He's going to go to his wife.

 

 

I get your point. What I'm trying to convey to you is that being in a half-ass marriage day in and day out is a stressful situation and a life changing experience. He is having an affair to escape the bad times. He should get a divorce. Think about it for a second; he should remain in the marriage and hate life on day to day basis because his heart is somewhere else, just in case he comes down with an illness, or loses his job, and then have his wife who he doesn't really care for support him? It doesn't make sense does it. He can't choose to fall in and out of love. He messed up by pursuing a relationship with this other woman, fell in love, and now it's too late in my opinion.

[Realist3]

I am not bitter, I am experienced on the side of your wife.

 

I hope your wife figures out what happened , and that she leaves you.

 

 

Nope, you aren't bitter at all. All you have done is project your feelings of betrayal onto his wife; someone you don't even know.