JamesM Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 He isn't going to listen to you or anyone else who doesn't support affairs, lying and deception. He's only seemed to interact/engage and receive advice from Realist (who is an unapologetic, selfish WS), mostly. Actually, I think he will listen to anyone who tries to understand him and doesn't blast him for cheating. He knows that it is wrong. he knows that it is stupid. He knows that he is hurting his wife. He doesn't need to be torn down and beaten with the information. He does need to hear about the pain he is causing his wife from those that have been in her shoes. He does need encouragement to do the right thing and leave his affair. He doesn't need to have it "shouted" at him in anger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Yes frozen i intend to do this. . good...It may be a hard conversation to have, but probably one that should have happened a long time ago... If you aren't going to come clean with your wife ( being honest is something I still strongly urge you to do), how are you going to handle the "withdrawal" from your other woman ? You're bound to feel bad about it, so how will you keep this from your wife? Do you have any friends " in real life" who may provide you with a listening ear? It may help you to not go back to your other woman if you have some kind of a support system in place that doesn't include her. Whatever you do, please don't turn it around and take your sadness out on your wife. That happens a lot in affairs, and it's incredibly cruel... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 she has clipped my ear a few times when she thinks im being a smart-ass i just hope she doesnt use anything more solid than her hand lol who hit you? that's not acceptable at all... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I believe he is talking about the MOW, not his wife. I could be wrong, but that is whom is going to be having the conflict with here soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 No it wont be i think the hardest part will be walking away from her knowing how upset she will be and being unable to console her, if i do i wont let her go. She will not contact me tho she has proven this already when we attempted to finish last time. What makes this time different ? I am besotted with her if i dont end it now i never will. I know this and can walk away. she has clipped my ear a few times when she thinks im being a smart-ass i just hope she doesnt use anything more solid than her hand lol I read this as it is his OW who clipped him since he was just talking about his AP, not his wife but I could be wrong. I'm sure shame will clear this up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I believe he is talking about the MOW, not his wife. I could be wrong, but that is whom is going to be having the conflict with here soon. Yes, I think the hospital bed and being clipped on the ear were in reference to MOW and how she might react when he tries to end things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Actually, I think he will listen to anyone who tries to understand him and doesn't blast him for cheating. He knows that it is wrong. he knows that it is stupid. He knows that he is hurting his wife. He doesn't need to be torn down and beaten with the information. He does need to hear about the pain he is causing his wife from those that have been in her shoes. He does need encouragement to do the right thing and leave his affair. He doesn't need to have it "shouted" at him in anger. Well, if he knew he was hurting his wife, that would be his number one priority, not whether or not he's hurting the OW. I'm sorry, but where have I ever "torn down" or "beaten" on him? I'm just being honest with my point of view. You may be different, but I have very little sympathy for the WS, and if you think that questioning him and so forth is tearing him down, so be it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Shame: What will you say to your kids when they discover you are f****ing another woman that is not their mother? If one of your kids is female. Would you advice her to date a man like you? I would be devastated if my Dad ever did that to my Mom. I believe though that my Dad truly loves my Mom (and my Mom truly loves my Dad) and that neither would be liars and cheaters. They have been married for 37 years and even though they've had some difficulties, their love inspires me. My Dad has always given me the advice to not go after players or guys who are not faithful, but rather to seek to attract a man who is a man of his word and who knows what true love is. Now, I didn't always listen to my Dad's advice but I am so grateful that my husband is a lot like my Dad and is a man of his word who is a great communicator and doesn't hide things from me. I feel very sorry for the OP's wife (who is being robbed of her ability to make an informed decision for herself because of her husband's lies/breaking his word) and am sorry for his kids who if/when they find out, they will realize that he is not a man of his word. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Well, if he knew he was hurting his wife, that would be his number one priority, not whether or not he's hurting the OW. If one has feelings for someone, then they don't want to hurt them. He feels guilty that he is hurting his wife, and he feels bad that he will hurt the OW. This makes him human. No person can simply walk away from someone who he "loves" without feeling pain over the hurt he will cause. I'm sorry, but where have I ever "torn down" or "beaten" on him? I'm just being honest with my point of view. You may be different, but I have very little sympathy for the WS, and if you think that questioning him and so forth is tearing him down, so be it. How you perceive it may be different than he perceives it. I have been accused of being too judgmental by others and I had no clue that it was taken that way. I have sympathy/understanding/empathy for every human being...even those who I think make stupid decisions. This must be one of those "character flaws." Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Why should "they" get help for "her" refusal to have sex? Why is "his" cheating only "his" responsibility but "her" lack of interest in sex is "their" responsibility? Well now your colors are showing. Do you really know what marriage is about? Why should "they" get help for "her" refusal to have sex? Read what I said again. If this is because her libido isn't what it use to be, then they can get help. Or wait? Is he not suppose to stand by her and support her in getting this help? Nowhere did I say its his responsibility, but he is her husband. He should want to stand by her and support her getting help if indeed that is the problem and she wants to get help. I'm sure that's part of it, but he said she's not interested in sex with him, so it's a moot point. Really? And he doesn't wonder why? Is she not interested in sex with him because of her libido, which can be treated? Or does she find him repulsive? We have heard him say that she is not interested in sex with him. But don't you find it odd that we haven't heard why? Is it me, or do men say nothing if a wife says she isn't interested in sex with them? If a wife said this to me, I'd be asking why? I'd be asking if it is me or sex in general. If it is the former, then there is no point in staying married. If it is the latter, there is help to be had. So "he" is responsible to ensure "she" gets medical attention, yet we are each individually responsible for our own choices and decisions? I'm not sure I get it yet. You don't get it because thats not what I said. He is not responsible to ensure she gets medical attention if that is the problem. He is responsible to support her in the marriage and help make suggestions, perhaps steer her in that direction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I am so grateful that my husband is a lot like my Dad and is a man of his word who is a great communicator and doesn't hide things from me. I feel very sorry for the OP's wife (who is being robbed of her ability to make an informed decision for herself because of her husband's lies/breaking his word) and am sorry for his kids who if/when they find out, they will realize that he is not a man of his word. It is entirely possible that the OP's wife is like you and does not realize that her husband is hiding something. Many of the BSs here have said that they didn't see it coming and were devastated by it partly due to the big surprise. That is why I too feel pity for the wife here. She may be clueless about this all, and even after the affair is over (if it ever is), she will live on blissfully. Yet sometimes ignorance is bliss. (That last sentence will be quoted.... ) Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Having been here, I would agree. We love to make the affair his problem, but the lack of sex "their" problem. Yet SHE chose to have less sex, and maybe this contributed to HIS choice of having an affair. In both cases, THEY have a problem that THEY must solve OR Each has a problem that must be solved if the marriage is to be saved. You agree with what Duck said I said. When I said nothing of the sort. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I do as well. She is also being ripped to shreds by a certain poster in this thread for some reason. I wonder how the OP likes seeing his wife painted in such a horrible light. We do agree on this. I think the information we have is being expanded why beyond what we know. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I do as well. She is also being ripped to shreds by a certain poster in this thread for some reason. I wonder how the OP likes seeing his wife painted in such a horrible light. Probably the same way he feels about his MOW being ripped to shreds by the BS's. No one knows who they are so lay off the personal attacks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 If one has feelings for someone, then they don't want to hurt them. He feels guilty that he is hurting his wife, and he feels bad that he will hurt the OW. This makes him human. No person can simply walk away from someone who he "loves" without feeling pain over the hurt he will cause. How you perceive it may be different than he perceives it. I have been accused of being too judgmental by others and I had no clue that it was taken that way. I have sympathy/understanding/empathy for every human being...even those who I think make stupid decisions. This must be one of those "character flaws." Sure, he may not want to hurt the OW, but I would assume that a WS who is hoping to reconcile/end his affair would care a little more about his wife's feelings (or in this case, lack thereof since she doesn't know) because that is who he is hoping to (re)build the relationship with. I never said he couldn't have feelings for her, I said his wife should be priority number one. Agree or disagree, doesn't matter. I'm glad you have sympathy for every human being! I, on the other hand, don't have very much for someone who is knowingly doing something that could potentially destroy many lives (emotionally, etc.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 It is entirely possible that the OP's wife is like you and does not realize that her husband is hiding something. Many of the BSs here have said that they didn't see it coming and were devastated by it partly due to the big surprise. That is why I too feel pity for the wife here. She may be clueless about this all, and even after the affair is over (if it ever is), she will live on blissfully. Yet sometimes ignorance is bliss. (That last sentence will be quoted.... ) If my husband were cheating on me, I believe I have the right to know. Ignorance would not be bliss to me. It would be painful betrayal. It would be like being poisoned without even knowing there was poison in my food/drink. I have told my husband before that if he ever wants to have sex with another woman, to please tell me up front. That way, I can decide if I want to still be married to him. I trust him to be a man of his word, and he trusts me to be a woman of my word. We both promised each other to be faithful and honest to each other. Lying and cheating is not blissful, in my opinion, when the person being lied to and cheated on has no idea yet thinks her husband or his wife is a truthful and faithful person. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 This thread is a perfect example of how people want to push their own agendas, regardless of which side of the fence they may be. When Shame mentioned "carried away", here you have it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Probably the same way he feels about his MOW being ripped to shreds by the BS's. No one knows who they are so lay off the personal attacks. Yep, but for some reason he isn't defending his wife like he has stood up for his OW here. That tells me a lot! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 OP, There is a poster on here ( RickFoxx) who is a married guy who ended his affair with a married woman...once you are able to, you could send him a private message and he may be able to offer some excellent advice Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Yep, but for some reason he isn't defending his wife like he has stood up for his OW here. That tells me a lot! Well, to be fair, the attacks were of two different varieties. The attacks on his MOW were completely unfounded. The attacks on his wife were supported by the evidence he gave about his marital situation. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I don't know which is more tragic, that your wife emotionally abused you this way for three years, or that the abuse was so bad and sustained that you came to believe it was "normal." No wonder you felt like you had no choice other than to cheat on her. You have my sympathies no matter what anyone else here says. Ah, so now we really know what you feel. The wife, for whatever reason, emotionally abused him because she isn't interested in sex. Again, nobody has bothered, but me, to ask why she isn't interested in sex. And Shame hasn't given us any reason as to why. Oh, but she is emotionally abusing him now you say. Yes, we get you support him cheating on her without getting to the root of the problem. Yes, we get he has your sympathy. And no matter what YOU say, you ARE blaming his wife. I'll ask this again, Shame, why do YOU think your wife doesn't want to have sex? Do you think its just you? Or sex in general. If the latter, have you ever thought about suggesting she see a doctor? There is medication they can give a woman to increase libido. Has she gone through menopause? Had a hysterectomy? Either one of those will almost kill a woman's libido. If either of these is true, then the emotional abuse tripe can be disregarded, as if it couldn't have been disregarded anyway. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 who hit you? that's not acceptable at all... I think we need clarification on that. I don't think his description of "clipping" his ear if she thinks he's being a smartass is what DuckSoup is making it out to be. Duck desperately wants to believe his wife is this huge abuser to help justify him cheating on his wife. I imagine 2 people talking, one makes a smartass comment and the other lightly smacks the other on the ass and says, "smartass". OP, what exactly do you mean "clipping" your ear? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I believe he is talking about the MOW Yes, after reading it again, I believe he is talking about the MOW. Yes well I'm glad we agree on something as fundamental as this. I know it is unlikely for anyone to say "Gee maybe ducksoup was right on this one" but it is what it is. Looks like you had it wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Well, to be fair, the attacks were of two different varieties. The attacks on his MOW were completely unfounded. No, they aren't. The attacks on his wife were supported by the evidence he gave about his marital situation. Oh, so someone with a low libido deserves to be attacked? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Well, to be fair, the attacks were of two different varieties. The attacks on his MOW were completely unfounded. The attacks on his wife were supported by the evidence he gave about his marital situation. Point taken! They were of two different varieties. The attacks on the wife have gone on for several pages while the attacks on the OW were in the first few pages (mostly) and when the OP asked for people to stop attacking the OW, most of them did. My assertion was that Shame is not defending his wife against several attacks. Like it was previously mentioned, I wonder how Shame feels about these things being said about his wife on an internet forum? I think this is something Shame should think about? Why isn't he defending his wife or at least telling posters to "can it" about her? It is very clear that Shame is more invested in his OW so he needs to take steps to free himself, the OW and his wife from this painful situation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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