sweet_pea Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 We don't know that the OP's wife hasn't explained. We don't even know the answer to what her career had to do with it. It would probably be wise to stop guessing. Yes, ma'am! That's what I will stop doing! At the end of the day, we just don't know the whole story until all parties have spoken! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Yes, ma'am! That's what I will stop doing! At the end of the day, we just don't know the whole story until all parties have spoken! Exactly! We need more information- and in a situation like this, we probably need both sides of the story, OP and the wife. There might be a large variation between the two versions, or maybe they will match right up ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I think some people are becoming carried away here, I have never once mentioned that i blame my wife for my cheating, that alone is my fault and i take full responsibility for it, not her. Yes sex was almost non existent but I was ok with this i still love her regardless. Honestly if it had been any other woman than the one it is i would not of looked twice at them, this woman has been the only other woman apart from my wife i have been sexually attracted to, thus being a shock when she confirmed she felt the same. Shameonme, it sounds like not having sex became the norm in your marriage, I got a bit lost in the thread with everyone else adding their twopennyworth, I wondered if you both discussed this and what the outcome was. That you became OK with it suggests that it was something you both accepted as the pattern for your marriage. If you haven't both discussed it, it might be that she, as well as you, have become so used to your relationship being celibate there needs to be a change for you both to see each other as sexual beings. That you have said that if not this OW then no other, suggests that you and she have more than sex. Most of the threads have concentrated on this aspect of your post, but that the OW was not sought for sex, suggests a deeper reason for your relationship. If so, then leaving either will be difficult, but of course it should be done. I don't view A's as respectful for either BS or AP, for your wife who has no idea there is an A, nor for the OW who is investing herself in a relationship that may never be one where she is the only one. Maybe she is happy with this, I don't know. I do think that often long term relationships can lose the pazazz of new relationships, even more so when there is the addition of secrecy that adds excitement. I do think that if this is the only reason for the A then there would have to be some frank discussions between you and your wife and possibly, counselling to enable you both to rediscover each other intimately. However, if your feelings for the OW are that you love her, for more than how she makes you feel sexually or intimately, then you would need to make a decision, if not just for you and your wife, but for her too. Many AP's come on LS and share how hurt and broken they feel because they expected the WS to leave and for them to become exclusive. The person that has the key is you, which is not a position I would like, but if you love them both, you should think past what the consequences will be for you, if you disclose, rather what resolution will be for them. Love is selfless, or at least it should be. I applaud that you don't blame your BS for the A and maybe you both have a hand in the decline of your marriage, but I would urge making a decision soon. I wish you well. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 duck soup, I'd say you are right. It could be fine IF all parties were n the know so they could all concur that it would be fine w/them. I mean I think that shame on me is hoping to find out how to either keep or let go of the ow in a way that no one gets hurt or w/his W, whichever... Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 (edited) This has thread has become personal for some people and assumptions are being made here there and everywhere regarding my marriage and my wife - for obvious reasons (exposure of who I am) I cannot go into great detail on certain things. I have always supported and encouraged my wife to do her best in her job she is an amazing woman and I am extremely proud of her. She stopped working some years ago to raise our children and I did in no way ask her to do this it was her choice to quit work. A few years ago my wife's sister and her 2 young sons came to live with us, I let them into our home with my arms wide open, of course I did they are family. her sister had been through a hard time. They lived with us for over a year before I suggested it was time for them to move on, my wife and I were starting to argue at this point And i felt that our house was not accommodated for another family to live in and I thought it was starting to affect our own children. Long story short we almost split up because of this, her sister eventually moved out and I thought my wife was ok with this, we had already sat down and discussed or issues and from there we decided not to split, we still loved each other and we wanted to continue to for fill our dreams. *This happened 3 years ago and this is when our lack of sex started. *We said a lot of horrible things to each during these arguments and maybe this is where she has become uninterested in me sexually. A bit more background before her sister arrived we had a healthy ad life we could go weeks without any then we could have intercourse every night for a week. I love having sex with my wife, I dont think we could of survived 28 years if either of us were not attracted to each other. Back to now: I am a selfish git and my wife deserves better than this from me, we always promised each other that if either of us were not happy in our marriage we would be honest and tell the other, I lied and this lie will haunt me for the rest of my life. I will not tell her about my affair I do not see how that would benefit her in anyway accept cause her pain. I am very remorseful for what I have done regardless of what you may think. As I said before I cracked a "hot young thing" came along and showed interest in me when I was feeling slightly abandoned by my wife and I fell face down at her feet. I just didn't expect to fall in love with her. Now it ends I cannot continue to live this lie any longer my ow must move on and she can and will do without me, I have been a blind fool and so full of lust for this woman I have forgotten my duties and loyalty to my family. This stops now, I have arranged a meeting with ow on Sat evening and I will finish it. Yes the sex is amazing beyond belief and the love and adoration she has for me is overwhelming but I have let this cloud my judgement for to long, we won't and can't work I do not wish to have a future with her there is a reason I have been married for almost 3 decades and never cheated or considered cheating on my wife before now and that's because I love her! Pity I didn't realise that before I got involved with ow but there you have it. I will miss ow and wish her nothing but happiness in her future I truly hope she finds the love and happiness she desperately seeks. She is a wonderful and beautiful girl with her whole life ahead of her. I will miss her and it is going to hurt like hell but ultimately that's what I deserve Edited December 14, 2012 by shame_on_me 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 We have not discussed our lack of sex life as mentioned before it has just became the norm for me. My wife has no illness which would affect her libido. This is something that will need to be discussed. Yes me and ow have more than just a physical attraction, as previously stated if it wasn't her I doubt very much I would of had an affair. This is hard for me to explain there was always something about her that I was instantly attracted to and it wasn't just her looks I've always had a fascination about her we live in the same neighbourhood so we seen each other quite a lot. But I fooled myself into believing we could just have sex and not become emotionally involved. How wrong I was 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WantsNormal Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I'm going to give a perspective here that I don't think has been given in this very active thread (forgive me if I did miss one). I am an OW and I am in love with my MM. Our relationship has been going on a bit longer than your own (2.5 years now) but I understand how you feel, I understand that your feelings are real, not just a "fog" and I understand what it is like to love someone even though you know you should not. You are not a bad person ... finding yourself in this type of situation does not mean you are the most horrible of horrible people ... good people can find themselves in less than desirable situations. My MM has never told me that he won't leave his marriage, but he does not leave. I believe he does love me very much. We have weathered some very difficult times together and by no means do we exist in a fog. I wake up everyday with the hope that we will someday have an open and honest relationship. I know the reality, but that hope is still so very much there. I believe your OW likely does (or will) want an open, honest relationship with you someday too if you continue as you are. I believe it is the natural progression of love. If you know that you cannot give her that, even though it will hurt her very much now, please end it with her. It is the kindest thing you can do for her. Waiting and hoping can be agony and I believe that you do not want her to suffer that. If you cannot give her what she deserves, please let her go. There are many here that feel the OW deserves no kindness or consideration at all. I do not think you believe that. I also think you are correct in your belief that she will not tell your wife. I just would not hurt my MM in that way either. An incredibly difficult situation, and I do wish you luck and happiness. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 We have not discussed our lack of sex life as mentioned before it has just became the norm for me. My wife has no illness which would affect her libido. This is something that will need to be discussed. Yes me and ow have more than just a physical attraction, as previously stated if it wasn't her I doubt very much I would of had an affair. This is hard for me to explain there was always something about her that I was instantly attracted to and it wasn't just her looks I've always had a fascination about her we live in the same neighbourhood so we seen each other quite a lot. But I fooled myself into believing we could just have sex and not become emotionally involved. How wrong I was As for the bold, that's what I figured. Communication is so important, and just think, maybe if you and your wife discussed how you felt about the lack of intimacy, things could be resolved and you wouldn't be in such a sad position. I agree w. BOTR, it would be best to reveal your affair. I understand that you think doing so will not do any good, however hiding it and it (eventually) being exposed is much worse and any reconciliation/chance of a happy relationship will be thrown out of the window. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 Duck: If I'm honest i doubt that I would of had an affair if my sex life didn't suddenly and abruptly die the way it did BUT there is no way of knowing this definitively. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I believe your OW likely does (or will) want an open, honest relationship with you someday too if you continue as you are. I believe it is the natural progression of love. If you know that you cannot give her that, even though it will hurt her very much now, please end it with her. It is the kindest thing you can do for her. Waiting and hoping can be agony and I believe that you do not want her to suffer that. If you cannot give her what she deserves, please let her go. He is ending with her, this weekend. His recent post explains this. Shame, I hope you seek counseling for yourself once you do end your A, to help you grieve the loss of your OW and also help you reconnect with your wife. I'm not going to say anymore about you confessing to your wife as that's not gonna happen so it's pointless to bring it up now. That choice is yours and later in the future you'll have to deal with the consquences if your wife finds out on her own. I hope you and your wife do counseling together once you've healed from the pain of ending your A, and really try to fix things, all the stuff from the past, her sister staying too long, the beginnings of the resentment and how all that was dealt with and learn how to love, respect one another once again. If you want the life you have, with your kids with you 24/7, then do all that can to be the best husband, best father and best person you can be. Affair proof yourself and your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elcklan Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 A few years ago my wife's sister and her 2 young sons came to live with us, I let them into our home with my arms wide open, of course I did they are family. her sister had been through a hard time. They lived with us for over a year before I suggested it was time for them to move on, my wife and I were starting to argue at this point And i felt that our house was not accommodated for another family to live in and I thought it was starting to affect our own children. Long story short we almost split up because of this, her sister eventually moved out and I thought my wife was ok with this, we had already sat down and discussed or issues and from there we decided not to split, we still loved each other and we wanted to continue to for fill our dreams. *This happened 3 years ago and this is when our lack of sex started. *We said a lot of horrible things to each during these arguments and maybe this is where she has become uninterested in me sexually. So basically your wife punished you for having her sister move out. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 There is medication they can give a woman to increase libido. What medication reliably increases a woman's libido? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 There we have it. We ladies work differently than men do and when horrible things are said to us, it can have a HUGE effect on our sex lives with that person. So if I get this right....a build up of resentment caused his wife to lose interest in sex which caused the OP to seek out an affair? VERY interesting! The wife could have chosen not to let this effect her libido just as the OP could have chosen not to have an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 So if I get this right....a build up of resentment caused his wife to lose interest in sex which caused the OP to seek out an affair? VERY interesting! The wife could have chosen not to let this effect her libido just as the OP could have chosen not to have an affair. i think this is an area where men and women differ... she can't "make" herself increase her desire to be with him...although she can increase the number of times they have sex, from what the OP says, that wasn't just what he was looking for...rather, he wanted it to be passionate, etc. , if she's hurt and angry, that can be very hard to do... it sounds like they went through a really bad patch, nasty and cruel things were said by both sides, but they never really dealt with the hurt that was caused...maybe the lack of sex was a symptom of a much bigger problem? OP, how did you and your wife move past that time in your marriage? Did you get any counseling or did you two really work hard on your own to get past it? Did things just kind of settle down and you both assumed that everything was "situation normal' again? If I could offer you one piece of advice that I've learned from being married...love isn't enough on it's own. It takes work, kindness, understanding, gentleness, compassion and any number of other actions that truly express the best parts of human interaction... It's easy to forget that or not even realize it in the first place...I think tat somewhere along the way, we get the message that if you love each other enough, everything else just somehow falls into place in a marriage...but it doesn't. Too bad that part of human relationships isn't taught in school...we learn about the mechanics of "putting tab A into slot B":laugh:, but not the emotions behind it... it may be too early on to ask, but what steps will you be taking to improve things with your wife? Have you thought about how you will broach some of the subjects that you two seem to have found it so difficult to discuss? Have you considered counseling for the two of you? If so, it might take a couple of tries to find one that's the right 'fit" for you two...each style of counseling is different, so don't give up if the first, or even second, doesn't feel like they are helping you one more question ( and then I will leave you alone:laugh:) do you think you and your wife maybe have a pattern of poor communication with each other? Do you feel that you are able to talk about problems while they are small or do the two of you kind of ignore them and maybe hope they'll go away but instead they become even bigger problems? If one of you hears something that you feel is negative from the other, do you talk about it to make sure you really understand, or do you think that you bot may have misinterpreted some things and resentment has built up along the way? You're in a place now where you can choose to take this experience and use it to make your marriage better, or you can just maintain the status quo...which will you do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 It's so sad that so many BS's (including myself) are silver-medal backup plans for people who couldn't care in the slightest for what their spouses truly need in regards to honesty etc. Jeez, how hard is it to just loil at your spouse of 25+ years and just say "please tell me the truth about what is going on here. I just want to be there for you and us." Lame. Affairs are just so lame. As if you didn't know that sex causes bonding..... Come on..... Your wife will never be #1 to you now. You should just come clean and divorce her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elcklan Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 So if I get this right....a build up of resentment caused his wife to lose interest in sex which caused the OP to seek out an affair? VERY interesting! The wife could have chosen not to let this effect her libido just as the OP could have chosen not to have an affair. No, you didn't understand. It is ok for a wife to deny sex if she is mad at her husband for whatever reason for 3 years, but it is not ok for a husband to have sex with someone else. We ladies work differently, don't you dare to say horrible things even if we say to you or you won't get ... Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 No, you didn't understand. It is ok for a wife to deny sex if she is mad at her husband for whatever reason for 3 years, but it is not ok for a husband to have sex with someone else. We ladies work differently, don't you dare to say horrible things even if we say to you or you won't get ... You are very correct. If you're married, you don't go and bone someone else*. *Unless you're in an open marriage, or sleeping with someone behind you spouse's back. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 (edited) No, you didn't understand. It is ok for a wife to deny sex if she is mad at her husband for whatever reason for 3 years, but it is not ok for a husband to have sex with someone else. We ladies work differently, don't you dare to say horrible things even if we say to you or you won't get ... Yeah, because if you have cancer, instead of addressing the root cause it makes way more sense to just amputate random limbs and remove random organs instead of addressing treatment of the affected area and trying to prevent the spread and/or resolving lifestyle issues that promote it. Brilliant..... :sick: And yeah, newsflash. Neither is okay BUT if one person says, "I am going to move to spot B" and the other person says, "okay." than usually the next rational move isn't to destroy the first persons whole ****ing life and burn their house down because "they should've known it wasn't okay" despite the obvious consent. I was in a three-year sexless marriage with other addictions issues involved (h's). It was Hell but that doesn't mean I get some BS golden ticket to **** around for close to a year because some guy gave me the "tingles." In fact a lot of posters (all male) let me know how it must've been 100% my fault that my husband was a serial cheat alcoholic who would disappear. Until I removed myself from the situation and got my own life together. Guess what? He was still an addicted, unstable serial cheat until he realized that no one was his friend anymore and his own parents couldn't stand him AND he was going to lose custody of his daughter. ALL OF A SUDDEN it wasn't my fault or problem anymore..... Edited December 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 6 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 What medication reliably increases a woman's libido? During the menopause when a lot of female hormones plummet, one of the one's to go walkabout are the one's that promote happiness and desire. There is an alternative to HRT called Tibolone that can help with women regain sexual desire. Of course this can only help the mojo, the feelings of love, like and want are more to do with how the woman is feeling in her mind. Men have been taking Viagra for some time now, but a loss of female libido is seen as the fault of the woman, whereas more often, loss of male libido is put down to impotency due to medical reasons. I suppose women need to feel loved, to have the right feeling about themselves to give themselves up to intimacy, whereas for a lot of men, they are able to separate their head thoughts from their pants feelings. Shame, I hadn't read that you had been married for so long, this explains a lot TBH. I am not agreeing that loss of intimacy was right or inevitable, but it can be fixed, just not without discussing it. It has become the elephant in the room and you have both got so used to it, neither mention it anymore and so it has become the norm. I hope that if you decide to end it with the OW, that you are gentle and also that it is final, no texting or contacting or you will both give her false hope and put the kibosh on any chance to fix your marriage. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elcklan Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 You are very correct. If you're married, you don't go and bone someone else*. *Unless you're in an open marriage, or sleeping with someone behind you spouse's back. You know what, if I'm married I bone my husband even if we have problems, arguments. And if I can't I serve divorce papers, so he could find someone who will gladly bone him. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 One of my favorite articles that I have posted a few scattered times on here talks about how women can lose their sexual desire as relationships age because they feel like they are not "attractive" to their mate, but that he has settled in with her by default. Nothing kills libido like knowing you are the old shoes because your husband is too lazy to go to the store to get a better pair. Female libido is partly narcissistic and nothing is going to change about that. We want to know you aren't going to the store to get new shoes because the pair you have fits perfect and is just too damn awesome to replace. Unfortunately many men fail to acknowledge that for or from their wives and would rather play musical vaginas. They'd rather treat women like how women treat......shoes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Time for a brief intermission to do some Stage Two processing. Link to post Share on other sites
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