Loveless Marriage

[tdwriter2003]

As I browse through this site, I realize I also have a similar story to share. I am a 40-year-old man. My wife and I are coping, not knowing what the next step as I come to the realization I am in a loveless marriage.

Here is my story:

I have four children and have worked hard to provide for my family. But for the past 10 years I have been in my own bubble making myself a priority. This past April, my wife said she didn't love me and wanted a divorce. I asked her for more time and we started seeing a counselor.

I took a hard look at my life and realized the mistakes I have made for years. I didnt put her first. I didnt tell her how beautiful she was or how much I appreciated her. I didnt make her feel special or as my queen as I first did in our courting and marriage. Our lives became functional, no real conversation or passion. No fun, spending time together.

This past year I set about to make changes. I finally became a good father and spouse. I give my wife gifts, shower with attention, helped more with the housework, spent time with the kids, doing homework, being kinder to them rather than just yelling at them or being mean. I tried to change my ways and be there for my family. I even converted to my wife's religion to be an example for my family.

There was a time I could not understand why my efforts were not working. That was until September when she told me she had an affair with our contractor -- the man I was paying a lot of money to expand my house and trick out my kitchen. She said it was emotionally, they had become friends and she believed him when he told her he loved her and how pretty she was. She never believed me because for all she knew our love was dead. She fell hard for this guy and had unrealistic crush on him (she still feels heartbroken the guy stayed with his wife and not her).

She knows know that I love her. I have forgiven her and want a fresh start with her. (I wont talk about the pain and suffering I have gone through this year).

I never wanted a divorce for many reasons from financial, to comfort of lifestyle, to being afraid of being alone and more importantly not being able to be a full-time father.

More recently we are getting along better but I am not sure if things are going to work out. I am stronger now and can handle it.

I am not sure what to do. If I should give it more time. She basically has said she doesn't desire, just cares for me. If she sticks it out it would be out of duty.

I have spoiled this woman this past year and professed my love to her as the love of my life ( I give her back massages and feet rubs for example every night). But I dont feel desired..little things like getting a kiss or a hug for no reason. That doesnt happen. I have needs to be cherished but I just dont know. And we have 4 young kids.

We have a lot of tension with this unknown. But the bottom line is she doesn't want me.

What can I do ? Thoughts of separation come to mind sometimes.

Thank you.

[TaraMaiden]

You have two choices, and bluntly they come down to this:

 

Stay with her as the mother of your children and a living companion,

 

or -

 

Leave.

 

She will in all likelihood never feel for you, sexually, again. If you guys ever have sex again, it will be because she initiates it, or is willing to participate, and only (in either case) because she feels horny.

 

She fell out of love with you.

4 young children (All under what age??) are both physically and mentally exhausting, time consuming and frankly, sheer hard bloody work. You changed your ways with them, but in her eyes, not soon enough. She might even say you should never have had to change your approach to them in the first place, if you'd done it right from the word 'go'....

 

A mum finds it hard to be sexy, desirable, and wifely, with 4 young kids in tow.

 

Why 4, for goodness' sake?

 

My personal prejudice at over-sized families is coming out here, and I guess obviously, there's nothing you can do about it now.

 

But a woman's body takes at least a year again, to recover form pregnancy, and possibly even two, for all hormones and musculature to be back to normal.... if the children are all young, she's been through the mill.

 

I hate to be the bringer of bad tidings, but the first two options are all you have.

[tdwriter2003]

Wife loves a large family. Its been a dream of hers. She has 4 sisters. Her religion encourages procreation. The number of children is not really an issue for us (all under 10). It is a challenge with our large family but there is a lot of love they give us as parents. We feel blessed. Thats our parenting world.

But in the relationship world...the choices do boil down to both things. I agree with that.

But they are not easy choices.

And I believe you are right where the sex is going to be under her control. When the love died in her eyes so did everything I did as well. Now its almost like an aversion and she can't stand my touch.

I just wish there was something else that can be done. Counseling and books aren't going to solve it. I am with the belief many posters have here on this site that "you just can't force or make another person feel happy."

[TaraMaiden]

So, with all that said - in that case, it's a choice of 2.

 

Both are scary, for different reasons.

 

Which is least 'scary'?

 

And - Why?

[tdwriter2003]

The least scary choice is the safe choice. That is to stay out of familiarity and comfort. And live in a fantasy world that one day she will come to her senses and say "hey, he is a good man..i do love him."

But that is wishful thinking.

Its easy to say, leave and start a new life you deserve better. But its not practical when you have kids that are your whole world..that you want to help get ready in the morning and put them on the bus and tuck them in bed..etc.

She knows how she feels and she can't pull the trigger either. I am waiting on her decision (just like the tagline I saw on someone's postings that says the person who cares the least, controls the most).

[Yasuandio]

Dear TDwriter2003,

 

Firstly, I admire you for finially realizing a year ago that you were neglecting your wife. Not only am I convinced of your sincerety (based on how painstakenly you have internally processed the contribution to the neglect of your wife described herein), it is apparent you have tried very hard to make things right.

 

[i know and completely understnad exactly how your wife felt, as I was neglected as well in my marriage for years. The difference between you and my now former husband is that you recgonise and are being proactive to save your marriage - my husband did not make that effort.]

 

However, your relization last year came late - after your wife gave into, understandably (and/or logically in some ways), another man to fulfill her needs. She most likely WAS NOT intending to seek out a an emotional or physical affair (whatever it really was), but, this is what happens, and the consequence of long-term neglect. For as long as it lasted - this contractor, in good or bad faith, attended to her needs, and built her self-esteem n some respects. At the very least - there was a huge contrast between what this contractor emotionally provided and the soured fruits of the marriage.

 

So now what do you do. This is the question.

 

You seem like a reasonable man, an understanding man. My guess is you are not surprised at all of the situation you find yourself in - and even though "it appears" it may be too little too late, I commend you for trying your hardest, and I encourage you to continue until there is no hope.

 

You must realize that the break-up of this temporary band-aid with the contractor has hurt her and her pride (not unlike the neglect that preceeded the emotional affair). Also, she is probably ashamed, and confused - and perhaps angry. She obviously is not going to pop right back into your marriage as if nothing happened - nor would you want to be second choice, really. It is best, for her to come to terms with her issues - and with free-will, CHOOSE tha she wants to continue the marriage with you.

 

Now, I will give you the source that, in my opinion, may be your best strategy at this point. It is called the three-sentence method. Rather than I explaining it to you, I think it is better for you to research this source.

 

The author of this method is Homer McDonald (Stop Your Divorce). I suggest to begin with, that you google his name - along with the word "interview." You will find, for free of charge, a synopsis of his methodologies, in the form of 5 tape recorded interviews, and a few exerpts from his book. I stongly urge you to listen to the tapes several times. Then go back, and review each tape (especially the first one), before you move on tho the next tape to re-review.

 

I have recently learned from my theripist that H. McDonald's theories are based on a movement in psychology referred to as "Postive Psychology." While it is based in a deep history - the method became popularized by Siegleman in the sixies as I recall.

 

Basically, if you decide to employ this strategy - you will "come off" essentally as -- because you love her, and you want her to be happy, you are going to give her exactly what ever she desires (this demonstrates that you are not selfish - and have her best intions at heart (which is really consistent with your actions this past year).

 

The three sentence method is agreeing to the divorce, (and even though it is counter-intuitive) projective an acceptance, and offering assistance in the separation by helping her make new living arrangments (or visa-versa), to facilitate the proceedings as she has requested.

 

The tapes will help you get more detail on this method. I have learned a great deal from Homer's free on-line materials, and I do have his book also. It has taken me a long while to really adopt his perspective and suggestions. However, once I started on that road, seriously, I really did become much happier - dispite myself.

 

Please keep us posted in your progress. This is a great web-site, and many other LS'ers will be responding to you, and provide you other ideas and suggestions as well. Yas

[TaraMaiden]

The least scary choice is the safe choice. That is to stay out of familiarity and comfort. ...... I am waiting on her decision (just like the tagline I saw on someone's postings that says the person who cares the least, controls the most).

 

Yeah.... that's my tag-line.....

 

Waiting for her decision will see you both into a good, ripe old age.

She will never make that decision for you, because apart from the marital love angle, you provide everything else she wants. Companionship, moral and financial support, assistance with the kids, finances, a home, transportation and anything else that goes in the husband territory.

 

Believe it or not, it is extremely common for wives to go off sex, and thereby give the impression they don't love you.

She probably still has a great deal of affection for you, but you can equate that with the same feelings brothers and sisters have....

 

So basically, what you're saying is that you are prepared to put up with a sexless, companionable partnership, because you don't want to be 'the bad guy' in all of this.

 

Understandable.

Okay, go with it.

But accept the consequences.

 

You'll be tempted to have an affair at one point, because men like sex.

That's not a criticism. Men need sex, women need love.

She gets that from you, in a way she can accept.

You? - you draw the short straw.

[tdwriter2003]

That Homer McDonald info..is that for real ?

 

I don't want to play games and that advise of Homer seems contrarian.

 

Guys like me when they are down can be desperate and tempting. I like to think I am on the upswing and getting stronger were I am realizing the realities of the situation. Just considering moving on at this time in my life shows me how far I have come from the initial denial and begging.

 

And I agree its human nature so both of us would have to be working at the marriage and trying to replace the bad with good stuff to keep us on track and avoid temptation.

[tdwriter2003]

Update: Yesterday we had another heart to heart talk. I told her I will be looking for an apartment. She took it well and said she wishes she had extra money to help me with a down payment. She said she feels guilty because I brought all the money into the marriage for a house.

 

She said she is being truthful and still does not feel anything in her heart for me. Her love for me died a long time ago. I was hoping she would fight for me.

 

The best she could do is stay married out of duty because I am still a good father and husband. I told her I just want to be cherished. Just like I make you feel special why can't I get an occassional hug or kiss or complement. Why is it always one way.

 

Its classic story, I am jumping through all the hoops.

 

And I am still not able to make a decision.

 

Part of me wants to move out, part of me wants to stay with her as a punishment to her the rest of her life.

 

I think she has issues were she has to be happy with herself first before she can love someone. Does anyone have any suggestions to melt her heart.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes.

Cut off the fatty bits, then cube into bite-sized pieces. Toss in a little seasoned flour, and brown in butter, in a deep pan. Scoop put and leave aside.

Now, in the same pan, fry some chopped onion, a finely chopped clove of garlic, a small chopped chilli and a little grated nutmeg.

Now peel and cut some carrots, potatoes and half a swede into bite sized chunks, and add those to the pan. Stir to coat well.

Re-add the lightly browned heart, and cover with some good beef stock, and half a cup of dark beer, and half a cup of full-bodied red wine.

 

Half way through cooking, add some canned, drained chickpeas, and continue to cook until the sauce is reduced and thickened, and the heart melts in your mouth.

Dish up with some boiled rice, and good chunky crusty bread.

 

Serves one.

 

Well worth it when you finally kick her to the kerb and make a life for yourself.

And when she sees how self-sufficient and independent you have become, she may well come round for dinner.

[tdwriter2003]

I am making things worse. she said she was sad I wanted to le. ave but happy in a way she would have her freedom. now she thinks I'am manipulating her because I didn't do what I said. I said it's difficult to leave and I don't have the money she said how much do you need. I'm really not wanted.

[2sunny]

SHE cheated = SHE leaves! Ad she takes NOTHING with her!

 

Give HER consequences man!

 

Stop making her life easier while yours changes!

 

Kick her OUT today!

 

Small kids? Hire help and ask family to pitch in for a long while!

 

Mommy wanted to cheat - mommy wants to decide not to love daddy anymore? MOMMY'S life is the ONE to be turned upside down - not yours!

 

You stay in the house with the kids - she needs to get a job tomorrow to support herself!

 

Cut off all her forms of money and luxuries!

 

You giving her back rubs while she was f@cking some other dude - then still telling you she loves him is grounds for immediate removal from your life!

 

Get busy! You have a backbone you need to locate!

[notbroken]

I was in your shoes in 1997 and stayed married 'for the kids sake' for another 14 years. It was miserable. Definitely NOT worth it.

 

Divorce her. You don't owe her the house AT ALL. Sell it as soon as possible. Support your kids. Be the best father you can. Build a happy life for yourself. Unfortunately, you can not find happiness with your wayward wife again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am making things worse. she said she was sad I wanted to le. ave but happy in a way she would have her freedom. now she thinks I'am manipulating her because I didn't do what I said. I said it's difficult to leave and I don't have the money she said how much do you need. I'm really not wanted.

You both felt disconnected in the marriage but only she cheated? And now you both think separation is an option but only you get to move out ???

 

Get a lawyer ASAP. And move into the guest bedroom if necessary but stay in the house. Don't do anything without understanding the long term implications...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GuyInLimbo]

I agree with Tara above. You really do only have two choices at this point and neither is nice. Once "something" is gone for one spouse (passion, love, attraction, whatever), you can't get it back. It's like a candle that's run out of its wick. You can shower her with as much attention as you want (and I commend you on being someone who made a very valiant effort), but the result s still the same. Her frame of mind has permanently changed and you need to accept that.

 

Frankly, why would you want to be with someone who only stayed with you out of duty? That's a perfect way to let yourself die emotionally. You need to accept what you have and move on.

[tdwriter2003]

thank you for the perspective. its a reality that I know is true in my heart but trying to fight it. I am in this fantasy world that one day, somehow she will come to her senses and say ...wait a minute he is a good guy I do love him and want him. I think its a matter of time. she has been honest with me and told me that her feelings havent changed since the day she wanted a divorce. in fact, she said when we talk about separation or divorce part of her feels happy and excited to start a new life. however, while I am strong enough to accept divorce, I am not strong at this time to initiate it. its counter to my feelings to stay in this marriage. If I bring up a divorce discussion its like I am moving forward with that decision. my life is on hold in many ways. I can't even buy a refrigerator for the house or plan a vacation for my kids to Disney in the Spring because I am afraid I don't have the money to start a new life and maintain my current family. the status quo is killing me slowly.

[oldshirt]

SHE cheated = SHE leaves! Ad she takes NOTHING with her!

 

Give HER consequences man!

 

Stop making her life easier while yours changes!

 

Kick her OUT today!

 

Small kids? Hire help and ask family to pitch in for a long while!

 

Mommy wanted to cheat - mommy wants to decide not to love daddy anymore? MOMMY'S life is the ONE to be turned upside down - not yours!

 

You stay in the house with the kids - she needs to get a job tomorrow to support herself!

 

Cut off all her forms of money and luxuries!

 

You giving her back rubs while she was f@cking some other dude - then still telling you she loves him is grounds for immediate removal from your life!

 

Get busy! You have a backbone you need to locate!

 

Totally this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

You are providing her comfort, companionship, support, safety, security etc and the contractor is providing her sex. The reason he isn't leaving his wife for her is he is already getting the sex but doesn't want to provide her the comfort and security etc. She isn't leaving because she is getting both her needs met by two different guys.

 

Your mistake is continuing to provide the comfort while she is denying you the sex she is giving to someone else.

 

If you want to give her a taste of reality then take away all the comfort. kick her out and cut her off from everything. she is on her own.

 

She thinks she'll enjoy the freedom since she'll be able to get all the hot sweaty monkey sex without you in the way. It will take a little while before she realizes what she is losing but once it hits home, she'll feel the sting.

 

She's a middle aged woman with 4 kids. She'll get lots of offers for sex but noone is going to buy the cow if you know what I mean.

 

You won't punish her by staying, you REWARD her by staying. If she wants freedom, give her freedom. she'll have freedom to support herself, get the kids to school and all their activities by herself, fix things around the house herself, change the oil in her car herself and learn to live as a middle-age single mother of 4 by herself. She'll enjoy the freedom.

[tdwriter2003]

Here is more background. Its not a money thing. She makes a good living, actually more money than what I make. She had sex with the contractor 2 times during one day. But they kissed and messed around for weeks before. The guy was married less than a year. my wife had this fantasy this guy would run off with her and leave his wife. She said they had a connection, finally someone that was her friend and they could talk about problems and relate to each other. The guy told her he found her pretty and she felt loved. I was telling her the same thing but she never believed me since the love died years ago.

 

I know everyone thinks I am crazy for staying but this lady is the love of my life. I can't leave until all hope is gone...even if I am living in some fantasy land in my head.

 

Here is what i want to do. I want to try a separation.

 

If I go live somewhere for a few months what can I do to work on the relationship. Should we have routine dates, etc...in other words what is the key to making a separation work out. I deseperately want her to miss me and want me. (yes I realize the connection is gone but I want to try anything I can).

 

one more favor..can someone help me find a thread I read recently about some couples that divorced but were able to get back together. apparently the men stayed in touch with ex's and were there anytime aything was needed..they didnt even have to be asked..they just showed up back at home to fix things, etc..really involved in family and home life and apparently won wives back. I cant seem to locate it. thanks again.

Edited December 19, 2012 by tdwriter2003

[GuyInLimbo]

TD, maybe it's a matter of time before you see the light. There is no doubt you love her and are desperately trying to hang on to hope. But a separation for her is one step closer to being done with your marriage. You're trying to force her to feel things she isn't going to feel. She's already told you she no longer loves you. You need to accept that, as painful as it is. You are acting and thinking desperately, which will only turn her off more.

 

There's the saying "too little, too late." That's where you are. Her feelings have changed and it's too late to change them back. She's moved on. You need to accept the same and move on for your own sake.

[tdwriter2003]

Just an update. Things have gotten worst. She went out with her sister for her birthday without me. Never happened before in all years of marriage. I can't touch her even if its a cordial pat on back. And she has come out and said she wants divorce very directly. I have a lead on a possible temporary apt . I should not be starting over at 40 and having roommates, to make ends meet rather than being a full time dad at my own home. She says to man up and go on with my life. I am having problems coping with reality that I won't be there for kids full time and will lose only woman I love.

[notbroken]

I'm sorry, but your STBX wife is in the 'fog' of thinking life is going to be great when she finally gets 'freedom'. At this point, it is extremely unlikely you can 'win her back'. In fact, anything you do will likely have the opposite effect that you want. She is a wayward wife. Plain and simple. She thinks you are to blame for all life's problems right now and has a fantasy that she has found love with the contractor and freedom by being able to go out and party.

 

Lawyer up. Fight for the house - you do NOT owe her it. Either keep it yourself or sell it asap. Fight for your kids. Definitely don't give things up thinking she will appreciate it and come back to you.

 

Honestly, even if you somehow reconcile and stay in it for the kids, you would most likely find yourself in a loveless hell that will eventually destroy you both and result in the inevitable - divorce. At least that's what happenned to me in a very similar situation. Best of luck to you regardless.

[Mr. Lucky]

She says to man up and go on with my life. I am having problems coping with reality that I won't be there for kids full time and will lose only woman I love.

The way that you "man up" in this situation is to fight for the best future you can have, both for yourself and your kids. Do you have a lawyer yet? You need a plan that includes solid legal advice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tdwriter2003]

the situation is bad, i need to mention that she gave me back her diamond ring and said to sell it that she doesnt care about it and for me to use the money to do whatever i want. she also gathered some christmas presents and gave them back to me to return. everything is just crap.

I can't just sell the house, i need to give the kids some stability. i am trying to work out a deal, give up house in lieu of child support.

[health]

I say you leave her. She did that with the contracter?

Man, leave her. Get a lawyer, be a good father and stop wasting your love

And hard work on her! Youre a good man, this can be the start of a great new life. Its tricky cause eben years later you would miss her and have pain. But thats soms bull**** what she did to you.

[health]

I just read what you said about the diamond ring, I would leave her in an instant.

You give love, she doesnt.