Author tdwriter2003 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 I need something to focus on like a hobby or working out.how do I get rid of this constant tension and stress I feel all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I need something to focus on like a hobby or working out.how do I get rid of this constant tension and stress I feel all the time. By doing EXACTLY that. The gym is one of my few places of serenity at this point in my life. I can go, enjoy the views, and get my mind of my misery for a couple of hours. And, yes, find some other hobbies as well. Or sign up for some adult ed classes, like cooking or wine tasting. Do you play an instrument? Used to? Pick it up again. Keep yourself busy. Go out with your friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tdwriter2003 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 First day waking up at hotel, first day of separation. I need some peace. Will be talking to real estate agent. I don't want to drag this more. Either she truly wants me or I want my div papers fast so I can start my life again. I am tired of doing all the lifting trying to repair a relationship by myself. Link to post Share on other sites
cheerfuldoer Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 First day waking up at hotel, first day of separation. I need some peace. Will be talking to real estate agent. I don't want to drag this more. Either she truly wants me or I want my div papers fast so I can start my life again. I am tired of doing all the lifting trying to repair a relationship by myself. You seem like a rally nice guy. Here it is in black and white. SHE'S DONE. It sounds like she has been done for years. I think part of the neglect you speak of in the first post also goes towards hearing what she says. I'm a neglected wife with 4 children as well. Only 2 of our kids are minors. I've been done with this marriage for years and I finally had enough. My husband tried to make things better, but I looked at it as too little too late or as him jumping through hoops to make me happy. The attention is almost annoying, after years of taking me for granted, he all of a sudden says thanks for cooking dinner. It's awkward. I've been telling him for months that I'm done and this isn't working. I told him I was going to see a lawyer. A month later I gave him some papers and he got mad, and said it was so out of the blue, even though I've been telling him for months! It doesn't sound like you're hearing your wife. She has cheated on you and continues to hurt you. As resentful as I get with my husband, I would never give my rings or any gift back, unless he asked, and then I would be hurt and say heck no, they're mine. It seems like you didn't catch her telling you she was done, maybe you heard it but didn't believe her. She upped the ante to an affair, it still didn't get you gone. Now she is partying without you and giving you her rings. You need to accept it and move on. There's not much left for her to do to tell you she's done except renting a billboard. Every person deserves to be cherished, even you. You need to accept this and move on. It's not your choice anymore about keeping the kids in their routines. Your wife has spoken and she's done. It takes 2 people to be married and if one person is done the other person needs to accept it and move on. Have you ever seen the Lion King Disney movie? This is a wise life lesson, my favorite part of the movie. YouTube I'm sorry if my post is repetitive, but I want you to see that she's moving on and there is no choice, you must too. Link to post Share on other sites
analystfromhell Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I really, really hope that you force HER to move out of the house. You may have neglected her (in her eyes) but she was one who chose to end the marriage and she should be leaving. Another perspective, if you move you you are losing leverage and position with your kids and with the divorce process. She needs to leave- and don't give me or let her give you or anyone else the "I'm their mother" bull****. The kids are yours, both of yours, not hers. She needs to leave otherwise you will be pushed to the curb in their eyes (and financially). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiberius Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Child support X 4, heck yeah she wants a divorce. No wonder marriage rates are dropping like a rock. You will pay child support at some time, at least if you just get her pregnant you save yourself the costs of a divorce and separation of assets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tdwriter2003 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 Still at hotel as we give each other time to plan the next move. I am in limbo but she is trying to make sure she is doing the best decision. That hasn't stopped her from drafting a rough draft of a divorce (she is an atty) and start making budgets. I tried the anchor baby approach but that didnt work out. She only let me have unprotected sex once. We haven't had any sex in about 1 month. I thought she was pregnant for a little bit of time because she missed her period and thought her nipples were tingly..but she is 41 and is the stress...and her periods are going to be all over the place as she gets older. She really checked out a long time ago and I am still delusional thinking something is going to change her mind. I have resigned myself to accepting it..but I dont have to like it. I am still going to try my best...even though everyone here thinks I should move on. I can't I love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 That hasn't stopped her from drafting a rough draft of a divorce (she is an atty) and start making budgets. First I've noticed you mentioning she's an attorney and all the more reason you should see one, you need to be on equal footing. If love somehow triumphs, all the better but you should plan for all contingencies, especially with kids and substantial assets involved. Hope for the best, plan for the worst... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Still at hotel as we give each other time to plan the next move. I am in limbo but she is trying to make sure she is doing the best decision. That hasn't stopped her from drafting a rough draft of a divorce (she is an atty) and start making budgets. I tried the anchor baby approach but that didnt work out. She only let me have unprotected sex once. We haven't had any sex in about 1 month. I thought she was pregnant for a little bit of time because she missed her period and thought her nipples were tingly..but she is 41 and is the stress...and her periods are going to be all over the place as she gets older. She really checked out a long time ago and I am still delusional thinking something is going to change her mind. I have resigned myself to accepting it..but I dont have to like it. I am still going to try my best...even though everyone here thinks I should move on. I can't I love her. What are you going to try? It's over with no chance for reconciling. Get the divorce over with and get your azz to a therapist, you need one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tdwriter2003 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 I'm still in limbo. have been playing house,. just living not loving. things were good for a while but now she says she still doesn't love me or want me. she feels guilty or doent know how to let go. I cannot walk away either. my children need me everyday. I don't want to lose little things changing a diaper, fixing your lunch, playing with them, being a father. nothing has changed in some ways. I know what to do. Stuck with somebody that doesn't love me. frustrating some girls stay with bad guys. I am a good guy spoils wife everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 At this rate, your 'limbo' is set to last a further 18 years. Decide if that's what you want. Kids don't stay kids for ever. And you're throwing away the best years of your life on an existence NOBODY will benefit from. Nobody. What you do - is leave. Let her have to cope with bringing up the children and coping with them every day, all day. You have to force a kink in this dead-end road. I don't really know what you come here looking for if all you do is nothing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 "Anchor baby approach"? Let me get this straight, you tried to knock her up, at the age of 41, to "fix" your marriage? Please don't create another life to be used as a pawn in this mess. Please, just don't. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 "Anchor baby approach"? Let me get this straight, you tried to knock her up, at the age of 41, to "fix" your marriage? Please don't create another life to be used as a pawn in this mess. Please, just don't. Jeezus! I missed that!! That is seriously phukked-up! For goodness' sake don't ever even go there!! Man, just know when to quit, already! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 At this rate, your 'limbo' is set to last a further 18 years. Decide if that's what you want. Kids don't stay kids for ever. And you're throwing away the best years of your life on an existence NOBODY will benefit from. Nobody. What you do - is leave. Let her have to cope with bringing up the children and coping with them every day, all day. You have to force a kink in this dead-end road. I don't really know what you come here looking for if all you do is nothing... It's time to take control of your life again, td. You've been allowing your wife to guide the relationship (and your life) for what? A year or more? And this is where you find yourself. File for divorce. Start living for you and your kids,. You've in effect been fired from your job as husband, and it's high time to adjust accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tdwriter2003 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Sure saying leaving is the best thing to do sounds easier said than done. The reality is when you have 4 kids that love you and are happy to see you when they wake up or want a story read to them at night...how can I just walk away from that. That's the sad part about this whole situation, they suffer. They did nothing wrong but are going to live their lives without a full time daddy. They dont deserve that. I am trying to be a father to them as long as I can. Believe me, this would be easier if I was childless. Were do I go to find some type of marriage workshop program? The counseling that we went to before was useless..the counselor basically said we are not a fit for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Telling the truth doesn't make them useless. Judging by your post content, I think they were spot-on. Truth hurts and isn't palatable, particularly when it's not what we want to hear.... Separation from your children isn't a given, and surely will not be permanent. It's her you're splitting from, not them. You may be required to spend some initial time apart from them; but then, you may not.... The practicalities of such a separation mean that many things are possible. but yes; there has to be some 'give' in this, some ducking and diving and rolling with the punches. Pain - is inevitable. Suffering - is optional. Minimise it, by doing what you know to be right. But for heaven's sake - DO something! Link to post Share on other sites
Smoothy69 Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Very curious to know how things are with you. Did the two of you work through this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tdwriter2003 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]After a short separation last year were I went to live in a motel for a short time, I came home and we got along better. My strategy was just to do little things to spoil her and try to serve her. (not being a servant). Things seem well, she said she was falling in love with me and we spent time together. We had a beach vacation with kids in the spring. And out of the blue now she says she is not feeling it and she was wrong about her feelings. What sparked it was I didn’t kiss her or her body the way she likes it and several times when we tried to talk she said she was annoyed because I couldn’t carry a decent conversation wit her or used the wrong grammar. I am not a communicator. And she is very picky . I don’t kiss her deeply in the mouth because she says I am bad kisser. Now I can’t even kiss her in her chest because she said I am too mouthy like a big fish. Now she is depressed and anxious. Which in turns now makes me anxious because I am back on walking on eggshells trying not to do things that upset her. it’s a roller coaster ride. [/FONT][/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
hayewils Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 My opinion is that you have to accept how she is treating you and move on. As painful as it is, you wll come out alive. My wife left me back in march, shes 40. You say your wife is 41 and by the things your saying, it sounds almost like my situation. My wife over the last year, started growing more distant. Seemed lime she didnt want me to touch her anymore, would get a sigh a d a "what" when i tried to kiss her. The last time we had sex, she just slapped the bed and sighed. That was humiliating. Today i can look back and realize the loveless marriage i was in. I tried so hard just to feel her acceptance and to hear her say, "I love you". But nothing ever happened. As for their age, its a fact that women at their age start the early signs of menopause. Hormones start going wacky. Ive told my wife that she needed to see her doc. But i dont know cause im not a woman. She has done and said things that dont make sense. All i know is i rather would be in a relationship where im appreciated, accepted and loved. It was a hard road to get to where i am today but im doing much better. You may have to just be tough and go through it too.. Best of luck to you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 (edited) This reminds me of my break up/divorce and how i found Loveshack and the many wise and great people here. First off, she lost attraction for you and the love as well because at some point you stopped being a man. Plain and simple. The contractor... he is a man and she was attracted to him and had sex with him. You ARE GOING to hurt... Everyone does. Get on with your life. She is done with you. DO NOT give in to her requests on the divorce decree, its time to stop being a nice guy and fight tooth and nail for everything you can and later on you will be glad you did. Emotional pain is real and reminds us we are human. There is so much great information here on this website. "Guide for the long walk" by No Foolin helped me tremendously. Please, listen and learn from people here, WE HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT.... We are here for you and "we can lead you to the water but we cannot make you drink it..." Edited July 15, 2013 by Tryin Hard 2 Make It Link to post Share on other sites
Author tdwriter2003 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 (edited) This is the kind of stuff I am dealing with. Yesterday we were packing to take the kids to the pool. I lifted the trunk of the car to help her load pool items and I said “here you go my dear” and she replied “I am not your dear”. I told her what’s your problem you don’t want me to go the pool with you. And she said its not efficient to ride in two cars. I told her if she wanted me to stay if we were not going to get along and she said yes. So I stayed. It was heartbreaking watching my kids faces as I looked out the window and saw them drive away. A week earlier we went out for my birthday and that’s all I really wanted was to spend time with her. She gave me some type of organizational canvas tote and an oversize lunch cooler. I have to tell you it’s a lousy gift. Which wife gives her husband a carrying tote ? Has there ever been a man that asks for a tote as a gift? Its heartbreaking the person you want to spend the rest of your life thinks you are a mistake. I am sad but not devastated. She has already crushed me so many times. Also, yesterday she left a journal open on the bed and this is what she said. 07/14/13 I am sad because I am out of the running for an ALJ job. I quit trying to divorce him because he wouldn’t agree for me to move for an ALJ job without him, and now I am having a lot of trouble carrying on. When I tell him that I am unhappy, he said I should try to make the best of it and that he wanted to stay married whether I loved him or not because he wants to live with his kids. Now he gets on my nerves so badly that I want to run away. I wonder if I could move the children to my grandparent’s old house. The children would probably be very angry with me, but I am not sure I can continue living like this. I guess I see his point because I don’t want to be away from my children either, I just hate their father. I don’t want to hear him talk or see him at all. He’s continuing to try to win my heart by buying me things and trying to be nice, but its not working. The more time I spend with him, the less I like him. I’ve made a terrible mistake marrying him. I’m glad have my kids though. That’s the price I have to pay I guess. The enduring part is hard. Edited July 15, 2013 by tdwriter2003 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Tough as hell to read, but on one point she's right: you're not going to "nice" this marriage back together. Now that you've heard it from her, I hope you'll believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Re-posting this for emphasis. Telling the truth doesn't make them useless. Judging by your post content, I think they were spot-on. Truth hurts and isn't palatable, particularly when it's not what we want to hear.... Separation from your children isn't a given, and surely will not be permanent. It's her you're splitting from, not them. You may be required to spend some initial time apart from them; but then, you may not.... The practicalities of such a separation mean that many things are possible. but yes; there has to be some 'give' in this, some ducking and diving and rolling with the punches. Pain - is inevitable. Suffering - is optional. Minimise it, by doing what you know to be right. But for heaven's sake - DO something! You really do need to end this, now. This is just unbearable... Link to post Share on other sites
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