What to make of this GF issues

[DTtoTN]

I ve been dating my girlfriend for 4.5 years, and the past 4 months we ve been in a long distance. Recently we talked about alot of what caused us to become so distant and due to finals we said we would wait to really discuss it when we were in person. during these weeks many things happened, we would skype and be so happy, then the next morning she would wake up and be sad again. saying she got her old feelings back. She sent me a heart felt birthday card, and said she was excited to see me. Then last week she said shes still not fully on board but that she promises to give it a shot and be open to us.

 

Now 3 days before I go there she calls me out of the blue and says she had a realization that she doesnt love me anymore and that she doesnt want to see me. Not that I dont agree her feelings have faultered, I feel that this has to be added with some sort of confusion because of the mixed signals all week. The following day things got worse as she said she wanted me to get a hotel when I come to see her and that theres nothing to discuss that her mind is made up. That this has been something she has wanted for the past months. Im sorry but I call some BS on that, when last week she was so happy about the idea of us. We havent seen each other in 9 weeks which I tell her has alot to do with this and that seeing each other in person will make the world of difference.

 

Basicly what Im asking you guys is

a. do you think that she truly doesnt know what she wants right now with all the mixed signals and can be saying hurtful things as a way of putting up a defense.

b. that have you ever been on the verge or wanting to give up with your SO then seeing them after a very long time and everything changed. I seriously believe that seeing each other again will make her want to try again that she has forgotten what its like to be in person

 

Thank you in advance!

 

Background, both 23, and I know she is the one i want to spend my life with

[Carenth]

Something seems off.

 

First off are you guys going to be separated again after your trip for another extended period? If yes she may of decided she can't deal with been in a LDR only seeing you when time permits. That is a hard decision to come to but for many people LDR just do not work for them.

 

Her feelings may of genuinely faded and she has come to the realisation of this, often when people go through these feeling they mourn for the relationship while still in it.

Then when they break the news it's over it shocks the other party because it seems like such a sudden change when in reality, they have been thinking about it for weeks or months and have already checked out of the relationship emotionally.

 

The timing on her behalf isn't exactly fantastic telling you just before you visit however that may of been the trigger that set all of this into motion.

 

From the distance you described it seems like she has been thinking about this for some time.

 

That or... she has found a local guy.

[DTtoTN]

I was honestly going to surprise her by telling her I would move to her after grad school. but when she called I had to tell her that to maybe ease her mind. she said she doesnt want that. I asked about other guys and she says it has nothing to do with that just very focused on school and that right now i need to do whats right for me and its not this. I dont know what means because for the past 4 years we have been each others everything basicly living together. Im seeing her in 2 days and feel my best chances are to hope that seeing me again rekindles something in her. and not necessary fighting her about it but try to find out whats the true issues and can they be resolved. ask what really are the pros to breaking up as opposed to trying one last time with changing many things.

 

When she told me initially I freaked out as normal and was begging and pleading but now I feel (we havent talked since yesterday morning and Im going to go those 3 days without talking to her, even thou we had bad talks the past couple of weeks at least we talked, and see if that brings any realization how being apart feels) that my best choice is not sit there and not freak out but just talk about us and what makes us us and why has this happened. obviously because of the distance and not us. My biggest selling point i think would be to say you were in love with me this summer, I havnet changed since this summer so obviously the distance changed your feelings for you and that with the right changes you can fall back inlove with me. idk i at all costs do not want to lose her and i feel that however this encounter goes will seriously dictate if i will ever get her back again.

[Ami1uwant]

Basicly what Im asking you guys is

a. do you think that she truly doesnt know what she wants right now with all the mixed signals and can be saying hurtful things as a way of putting up a defense.

b. that have you ever been on the verge or wanting to give up with your SO then seeing them after a very long time and everything changed. I seriously believe that seeing each other again will make her want to try again that she has forgotten what its like to be in person

 

Thank you in advance!

 

Background, both 23, and I know she is the one i want to spend my life with

 

You two started when 19???

 

Maybe she wants to play the field and see what else is out there

 

Maybe she is at a point now where she doesnt see marriage as something she wants to do now.

 

She was used to not being around you and maybe there were things--though not intentionally---but you were holding her back on...thus she discovered a different side of her that she wants to explore further.

[Carenth]

How long is it until you finish grad school? Sorry to say she has already checked out and you are in the bargaining stage of loss.

 

Just because she was in love with you in the summer doesn't mean she is in love with you now and doesn't mean she can fall in love with you again at the drop of a hat. As I said it seems she has been thinking about this for quite some time, maybe the distance is very painful for her and is affecting her studies, who knows.

 

What you do know is she has decided she no longer wants to be in this relationship and you can't really be in a relationship if only one party wants it. It's beating a dead horse.

 

idk i at all costs do not want to lose her and i feel that however this encounter goes will seriously dictate if i will ever get her back again.

 

Not your choice it's already happened.

[Myob12345]

It's hard to tell what's happening on your gf's end without knowing your relationship dynamic.

 

it's possible that she doesn't "love" you anymore, in the way that there are things about you she doesn't like, or she doesn't feel attracted to but lacks the communication skills to talk to you about them, so she lashes out with these bold statements, instead. From your posts, i suspect you might come off as one of those men who "will do anything" for their girlfriends, to the point where the girl just doesn't appreciate it anymore. A pushover, is kind of the word I am looking for.

 

if she has a hx of making bold, sweeping conclusions like "i don't love you", "let's break up," etc. then i'd be more inclined to think she's trying to get a reaction out of you, or isn't completely serious about breaking up.

 

additionally, women tend to not respond well if you seem like you'd do anything to be with them during the break up. without knowing what she's like, it's hard to say, but i'd be willing to bet you'd have better luck if you stopped talking to her, rather than trying to convince her otherwise. unless she's cheating on you.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Myob12345

[Carenth]

I agree with Myob12345 pretty much and attempts at bargaining or pleading for a chance at this point will just push her further away. Either way I would be seriously questioning why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

[DTtoTN]

shes not the type of girl that wants to play the field, idk if anything I can really your point of discovering a new side of herself. because in ways she has hinted to that. And where im coming from is that if we are so great together and that distance is something that is very stressful and hard on us. then in another year when Im done grad school we can go back to those days. That this is temporary, we had a long distance before but it was only 3 hours away so we say each other every weekend for 4 months and we were fine because we knew it would be over, Im afraid that she has lost feelings due to parts of her life that have forced her to move away from me but (negative impacting situations) but positive impacting situations can bring us back. I wanted to tell her my plan that we see each other every 3 weeks and that we do more than just visit maybe every 2 visits we take a trip somewhere but that it will be over soon it has light at the end of the tunnel which up until now we didnt. and that probably caused her to feel so distant. I want her to know we can get thru this that honeslty i think she is confused right now. she has so much going on and that when we sit down and talk about it and finally see each other again and get a plan going we can get back into our groove. It may take some time and baby steps but it is nothing far from impossible

[DTtoTN]

additionally i thought about the no contact, but i feel the problem with the relationship has been the absence of contact so she would be just feel like she made the right choice if i added no contact because it is already what shes used to and has slightly become used to

[Carenth]

You can try and talk to her about it, tbh it seems you are trying to force this to work when she has decided she can't deal with it anymore and that her feelings have changed, there is not much you can do about that.

[DTtoTN]

The one thing I can say is that 1 years ago she wanted to break up and was sure of it but actually sitting down and saying it to my face everything changed in an instant. I know she's very stressed right now. She In vet school. And that she's letting that stress really get to her. I know it's pointless to change someone's mind but I feel she only knows pain from this ldr and that with changes it can be completely different and positive

[DTtoTN]

I'm also stopped talking to her since Tuesday morning and don't plan to until Thursday night when I get in. Even thou we ve had bad talks lately we still talk everyday and have always so maybe those 3 days off might impact her

[Carenth]

If the LDR is only pain for her then why would it be a good idea to continue it? Serious question here. What may seem like a short time for you (one year) could be an eternity to her, there is a reason why LDR is a deal breaker for many people.

[DTtoTN]

I know it just seems like I'm denying things but we never talked about long distance. We just held our heads high and hoped for the best. So in my defense we never really gave this a good shot like we deserve. That's what I want to do now give it an actual shot. Set boundaries communicate alot and not just sit and hope the other person is smiling

[Myob12345]

I know it just seems like I'm denying things but we never talked about long distance. We just held our heads high and hoped for the best. So in my defense we never really gave this a good shot like we deserve. That's what I want to do now give it an actual shot. Set boundaries communicate alot and not just sit and hope the other person is smiling

 

Of course try to talk to her, but only if it's in a calm, reasonable way. No begging, no pleading, no yelling, and listen to what she has to say. Ask her to describe what bothers her about the relationship, how she sees a functional LDR working, and what needs aren't being met. Then do the same thing for yourself.

 

And this is from the perspective of a girl who has been in an LDR with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years now, with another 1.5 years left (and no end in sight). There have been time that I've said the same thing that your gf has said and my bf has said the same thing back to me (and even now I wonder if I'm making the right decision). It's really, really hard and it takes two people to make it work. Do you even know if you can go back to where she is when you're finished with grad school (i.e. job-wise)?

 

I just realized you guys had only been long distance for 4 months, so maybe you can talk her through it.

 

It's just important that you guys communicate in a way that's not coercive or irrational. Maybe long distance isn't good for her, and if you ask her why, and you find out it just depresses her to no end and she can't function well, then do you think you should consider what's best for her sanity as well?

 

The other question I have is, does she have any other issues besides the relationship? Has she ever dealt with depression, anxiety, etc? Is she going through hardships irrelevant to you right now? These things can all play into someone's thought process.

Edited December 13, 2012 by Myob12345

[Carenth]

Communication is paramount in a LDR you have to be completely open and honest with each other for it to work. If she isn't able to or doesn't want to than it will never work out, regardless of how much you want it to.

 

Because in a LDR all you have is communication nothing else. Sorry to sound pessimistic but if it's crumbling after 4 months of LDR and she tried to break up with you last year and is trying to break up again now.... maybe it's time to think about moving on?

 

I mean to me it's pretty bloody serious if you are visiting her and she asks you to not see her and demands you stay in a hotel. If that happened to me I would be out of there faster than you can say gone.

[DTtoTN]

Thank you for the insight. She does get anxiety and what kills me is that last week she had high hopes. It's almost like she can have a great day but when she wakes up the next morning she feels sad again. Again this is before telling her there is an end and my plan. I know he still cares about me and have Definetly realized I can't go there and act all distraught I have to be confident and calm and ask her how we're we 4 months ago and how are we now. What exactly impacted all that. This situation. How can it be fixed. As of now when I talked to her yesterday she says there's no changing my mind but I find that hard to believe when she had different feelings a week ago so I hope me vein there will make her have doubts and show her us

[Myob12345]

Communication is paramount in a LDR you have to be completely open and honest with each other for it to work. If she isn't able to or doesn't want to than it will never work out, regardless of how much you want it to.

 

Because in a LDR all you have is communication nothing else. Sorry to sound pessimistic but if it's crumbling after 4 months of LDR and she tried to break up with you last year and is trying to break up again now.... maybe it's time to think about moving on?

 

I mean to me it's pretty bloody serious if you are visiting her and she asks you to not see her and demands you stay in a hotel. If that happened to me I would be out of there faster than you can say gone.

 

hah yeah, i was going to say the same thing about the hotel. unless she's forking over the cash for it and is going to come see you.

 

or if she was just saying it in the heat of the moment, and retracted the demand.

 

otherwise, she strikes me as kind of selfish.

 

edit: if she has chronic anxiety or other underlying issues, i don't think anything will get better unless she's willing to go seek help for it (counseling, meds, whatever). if it's just anxiety here and there, then that's fine, but i'm talking if it's something that affects her mood on a regular basis.

Edited December 13, 2012 by Myob12345

[DTtoTN]

I think some of it is in the heat of the moment because at first she didn't want to see me in person and was sure of it then her best friend talked to her about it and she knew it should be in person. Us breaking up 2 years ago was a fluke and honestly after it we were so much stronger and were at our peak before she left. I guess maybe any insight into what to exactly bring up hen I'm there slash how to proceed to make her most suseptable to being open to us

[Carenth]

Thank you for the insight. She does get anxiety and what kills me is that last week she had high hopes. It's almost like she can have a great day but when she wakes up the next morning she feels sad again. Again this is before telling her there is an end and my plan. I know he still cares about me and have Definetly realized I can't go there and act all distraught I have to be confident and calm and ask her how we're we 4 months ago and how are we now. What exactly impacted all that. This situation. How can it be fixed. As of now when I talked to her yesterday she says there's no changing my mind but I find that hard to believe when she had different feelings a week ago so I hope me vein there will make her have doubts and show her us

 

Anxiety is not an excuse for treating your partner like ****. If it's a serious issue she needs to get help, don't let that be an excuse for her behavior because it's not. As I said her mixed reactions from day to day is probably because she has been thinking about this for a long time and it has finally come to a head.

 

Honestly... I would be asking myself if she really cared about me would she be putting me between a rock and a hard place, her actions speak otherwise to your belief she truly cares for you. To me it is incredibly selfish to ring you up 3 days before you visit demand not to see you and demand you stay in a hotel. Her feelings from a week ago don't matter, her feelings from last summer don't matter. You are living here and now not in the past.

 

 

I think some of it is in the heat of the moment because at first she didn't want to see me in person and was sure of it then her best friend talked to her about it and she knew it should be in person. Us breaking up 2 years ago was a fluke and honestly after it we were so much stronger and were at our peak before she left. I guess maybe any insight into what to exactly bring up hen I'm there slash how to proceed to make her most suseptable to being open to us

 

Break ups are never "flukes" there is always a underlying issue for why a break up occurs. If I was in your situation I would probably see it as a blessing in disguise and get the hell out of there, that is me however. I am quite stubborn and wouldn't tolerate been disrespected like that, especially if she wouldn't even have the decency to talk to me about what is going on. For me in short stonewalling is seriously immature.

 

You won't be able to convince her if she has made up her mind (which it seems she has).

Edited December 13, 2012 by Carenth

[DTtoTN]

I know she is bing selfish but part of me believe that he has just lost her way and has gotten caught up in school and in a changing life and I can remind her of us because its been so long since we ve been together and when we re together it's something great

[Carenth]

Ok if you say so, sorry to sound harsh but it seems you are making a lot of excuses for her behavior and are kind of living in the past, rather than accepting the present. I know it's a ****ty situation to be in and i feel sorry for you, I'm just trying to give a outsiders perspective.

[DTtoTN]

No I appreciate the help and honestly will still think there's a chance until I'm there tomorrow. Being open calm confident and talking about us I think might sway her along with seeing me for the first time in 9 weeks. Ill let you know how it goes

[Myob12345]

No I appreciate the help and honestly will still think there's a chance until I'm there tomorrow. Being open calm confident and talking about us I think might sway her along with seeing me for the first time in 9 weeks. Ill let you know how it goes

 

Something to think about: if her heart isn't in it, will you really be happy in a relationship like that, and do you think it will last for another year of distance?

 

Also just because LDR isn't working out for someone, why does that have to coincide with "not loving you anymore" (as she stated)?

 

Just something I would red flag and bring up with her. Breaking up because you don't love someone and breaking up because long distance is just too difficult aren't necessarily inclusive, at least in my perspective.

[DTtoTN]

At least a big thing I think is that this is all being done over the phone or the more harsher on text. She can have a tendancy to say those things but when it comes to in person she kinda realizes that what she said were just words. I know more excuses for her behavior but for the 4+ years we ve been dating I know this. that she can have something in her mind but when it comes to being in person and seeing what you re actually saying and what impacts of affects it has its a different story. This sounds completely ignorant but I seriously cannot picture her saying this to me in person, its beyond me. Yea I saw her 9 weeks ago and to her things were kinda bad then, but not in person, they were great. We were doing and acting exactly like how in the summer.

 

She is convinced that not seeing me in 9 weeks has nothing to do with this that its how she feels and has been feeling but I honestly think that with that time she cant really picture saying it to my face. it almost seems foreign to her. as it does to me.

 

I appreciate all your support, and I know im being treated rather poorly, it is just really hard when you ve been attached for that long. Honestly everything in my room right now probably has some story connected to her. Everything is, and I'd rather play the denial game for a while before I might have to accept this.

 

Either way, I go tomorrow, still hasnt talked to me yet. be 2 days now. dont plan on talking to her tomorrow either just when I land to where to pick me up. And I plan on being very collected, say to her face her accusations. Begin with so you dont love me anymore, see if she tears up at me actually saying the statement to her or that its yea i dont. And stating how I feel this has been a result of things but not because we genuinely would of fallen out. Try to get her to realize we ve reached the bottom of our relationship, the only way to go is up. it doesnt have to be stressful, we can grow individually and also together. Be a voice of reason to her and bring up rational things. Not sit there saying I have nothing how could you.

 

I know shes expecting me to be a mess. she told me that. that this is going to be horrible and the hardest thing ever. But if I surprise her and take away maybe some of the power, act that you know what things are **** but we can either do somethign about it or loose our best friend and lover over it.

 

I definitely will be rehearsing the entire time on the plane ride haha so lets see.

 

In addition, know this is way to long anyway, but I feel that her friends are also a pushing factor for her to break up. Her two new "best" friends have both just been in a long term, one was engaged and it fell thru, so i feel that mentality of misery loves company. Its really not that bad after a while keeps singing in her ear and is something that might of caused this in the first place to happen monday. like hey you can do this. IDK!