How can I cope with the constant rejection by men?

[Lolita_Sky]

Okay, please don't judge me if anything I'm posting this to try and figure out wtf is wrong with me.

 

I have been involved with three men within this year. More men than I have ever dated over an extended period of time. But all of them ended with them wanting nothing to do with me. The first guy I dated from Nov of last year until Feb of this year. He was such a great guy to me. I really thought we were getting serious. Then he just all of a sudden withdrew. Then one day he came to me spitting lies about not having time for me now that he has his new job. He lied. I later found out he was in a relationship. A couple months later I get involved with another guy. This time around I honestly didn't want to be in a relationship but I was sort of pressured into that one, which should have been an immediate red flag. Well long story short I wound up being with him for 6 months. I did EVERYTHING for this man, I even changed my work schedule to the ****tiest work schedule at my job so that we could have time for each other. The ironic thing about it is that I never not once saw him despite my efforts. I was there for this man, supported him financially when he needed help. Was there as a confidant. He changed after he got a great paying job and was on his own. Lied to me about what he was doing...etc. I know he cheated on me. He never called and always avoided my calls. Always had his job as an excuse for not having time for me. He treated me like crap. Well I left him and got involved with another man a month after that.

 

Well we had agreed to a fwb relationship. We were talking about possibly having a relationship but I was hesitant after what happened with my ex. We screwed around a few times and I admit I did enjoy his company, however he displayed signs of non boyfriend material and I decided that I didn't want him as my boyfriend but decided to keep him around for my personal gain, whenever I needed attention...etc.

 

Long story short, he was very rude to me and didn't want to apologize about an argument that HE started over a miss understanding that HE had. He tried to turn it around on me and make me appear as the bad guy (the same exact thing my ex would do never taking responsibility for their actions). I became extremely upset and told him to never contact me again, that all I wanted was an apology. He never replied back to my text or anything.

 

Why am I always treated so badly when I'm a good person? I mean I showed him the utmost respect and he just trampled over me like a rug.

 

Is there something wrong with me? Am I just prone to being treated like this by men? I mean I know I have my faults but at this point I'm really starting to wonder if their is something wrong with me. I'm trying so hard not to despise men but every where I turn its like I run into the crappiest men. Why can't I ever find a guy that will fall head over heels in love with me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated? I'm starting to wonder maybe this is the way I deserve to be treated if this is how EVERY single man treats me. Not a single one has done right by me. It's taking everything in me to hold back tears of anger, frustration and rage from all the years of miss treatment, and rejection by the men I allowed into my life.

 

What's WRONG with me??

[Balzac]

Your man picker is broken AND you speed past the warning signs.

[Sari]

I know exactly how you feel, my previous ex-bf broke up with me three times over the space of 6.5 years, each time panicking about commitment, not wanting to settle down, loved me but something wasn’t quite right. So I finally moved on with someone else, and he’s now dumped me for the second time in 6 months, ostensibly for the same reasons, although he’s thrown ‘can’t get over my ex’ in there for good measure, even though they’ve now been broken up for 18 months and she was horrible to him. So more like he doesn’t want to get out of his little pity party and be happy with someone who loves him in a healthy way. Every single one of these break-ups has been completely out of the blue (although I learnt to read the minute signs in amongst the constant adoration from both men), and done and dusted in 10 minutes, with both of them high-tailing it out the door in abject panic.

 

Anyway, whatever the reasons are, I’ve decided to take control and stop letting myself be walked all over by men! Bad, weak men who know that they are hurting us over and over but still carry on. These aren’t good people. They have issues that they are not willing to deal with, and are happy to inflict them on good women who will put up with this sh*t. I’m sure this works in reverse too, I’m not man-bashing! It’s us who need to change though, as these people can only hurt us if we let them in. My recent ex told me fairly early on that he was a commitment phobe and that his last relationship was all high drama, make up/break up, but I thought I could show him how lovely it is to have a secure relationship that is built on trust and respect. I was a fool! I should have walked as soon as I heard all this, or at least taken some time out so we could both think about where this was heading. So that was my own fault really. You need to start taking responsibility for your part in this, stop being a willing victim! When a relationship starts, don’t throw yourself in head-first, and really listen to what a guy is telling you. If it’s not that he’s ready for an adult relationship based on mutual trust and respect, where you will work through hard times, get rid of him!!

 

By the way, my first ex came crawling back again a couple of months ago. Now my bf has finished things, it’s really tempting to go back, but I’m not going to do it! From the outside looking in, I’d be mad to, so I’m gonna start caring about myself enough to do what’s best for me. You do the same

[jwhite]

1) You dont give yourself the TIME to find and love yourself first, thus you are seeking love from someone else to validate yourself.

 

2) Yes, your man picker is broken. You ignore and are love-blind to any red flags. You jump in head first without giving them a challenge.

 

If you really loved yourself you would not be having these problems because:

 

1) You would not be attracting these types of individuals.

 

2) If and when they types of people come around, you would have values that would allow you to stand up for yourself and say no to these people because you dont need them or want their crap.

 

SO, a good start would be to figure out how to love yourself by doing the things you love, building self-esteem, and creating who you are! Once you have that and are ready to start dating again, remember one thing: Dont sleep with them so soon. If you are of high self worth you will and should be a challenge, otherwise they will just say "meh".

[Lolita_Sky]

Actually I was pressured into my last relationship with my ex. I really didn't want to start a relationship but he persisted and really pressured me into it. He was a manipulator. The first time I have ever dated a man that manipulated me so much.

 

I don't want to be with anyone anymore. I do love myself, I have respect for myself and when I felt I am wronged I will say so. I broke up with my ex because I knew that staying with him would just make me miserable. I had to let him go for the sake of my own sanity. He would have driven me crazy and there is no telling what I would do if ever driven to that point.

 

I even feel that I deserve better than these men, I want none of them back. But that still does not numb the pain. I still feel the pain that these men put me through. Not so much with the fwb but my last two exes hurt me so bad. If anything I am pissed off with the fwb guy because he disrespected me. Yes it hurt my feelings at the time but he was just a fling that I never really took seriously any way...

[sleepless in sd]

A couple months later I get involved with another guy. This time around I honestly didn't want to be in a relationship but I was sort of pressured into that one, which should have been an immediate red flag. Well long story short I wound up being with him for 6 months. I did EVERYTHING for this man, I even changed my work schedule to the ****tiest work schedule at my job so that we could have time for each other. The ironic thing about it is that I never not once saw him despite my efforts. I was there for this man, supported him financially when he needed help. Was there as a confidant. He changed after he got a great paying job and was on his own.

 

Listen to your gut woman! You knew this man was using you but you allowed him to pressure you into a relationship anyway. If it doesn't feel right then it probably ISN'T right.

 

Get in touch with your intuition and pay attention to it. The human mind is incredibly adept at subtly assessing people when we first meet them. If you had to be pressured, it's because you knew deep down this man was a loser and you two were not a good fit.

 

Spend some time letting yourself heal and practicing self-love. I know it's lonely being single. I just recently got out of a relationship too and there are many nights I just want to scroll through my phone and either call him or some other guy friend to fill the empty space in my bed.

 

I don't though. I need a break. You should give yourself one too.

Edited December 13, 2012 by sleepless in sd

[somedude81]

Repeatedly making poor decisions.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Guy 1- He met someone who he thought was a better choice for him. We are allowed that choice. Don't take it personal, you might be perfect but not perfect for him. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Guy 2- "I did everything for this man and never saw him" (almost like you were trying to buy his love). This is pretty unhealthy behavior. People need to love you for you, not for things you do for them.

 

Guy 3- You decided to end it, saw "non-boyfriend material". This one is ok, you saw his negative signs and didn't want to proceed.

 

You've just had a bad run, you met 2 a-holes and one guy that was still looking.

[Esoteric Elf]

Question for you Lolita Sky: have you ever initiated a relationship? Were these men the ones who initiated? If so, you might want to initiate; see what you like and act on it, instead of waiting for the man to ask you out.

 

There are good men out there just as there are good women (and, of course, compatible men and women); finding them is the task. Don't worry: your frustration and tears put you in very good company.

[BklynGuy]

People end relationships for all kind of reasons. You have had a bad run with a few guys. I've had a bad run with the girls. It's true, it's about who you pick, not rushing into sex (although that's tempting:D). Find out who the person is before you get into a relationship with them. These experiences you've had will help you make better choices in the future.

[Lolita_Sky]

Listen to your gut woman! You knew this man was using you but you allowed him to pressure you into a relationship anyway. If it doesn't feel right then it probably ISN'T right.

 

Get in touch with your intuition and pay attention to it. The human mind is incredibly adept at subtly assessing people when we first meet them. If you had to be pressured, it's because you knew deep down this man was a loser and you two were not a good fit.

 

Spend some time letting yourself heal and practicing self-love. I know it's lonely being single. I just recently got out of a relationship too and there are many nights I just want to scroll through my phone and either call him or some other guy friend to fill the empty space in my bed.

 

I don't though. I need a break. You should give yourself one too.

 

 

Thank you so much for the advice! You are right I should listen to my intuition more. I knew he wasn't good for me but I dated him anyway. I'm taking a break from men and have actually found my passion for drawing again. It does get lonely at times. I actually enjoy being single and really appreciate this time that I have to myself, the next guy I get involved with I'll know for certain I made the right choice. Thanks again!

[Lolita_Sky]

Guy 1- He met someone who he thought was a better choice for him. We are allowed that choice. Don't take it personal, you might be perfect but not perfect for him. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Guy 2- "I did everything for this man and never saw him" (almost like you were trying to buy his love). This is pretty unhealthy behavior. People need to love you for you, not for things you do for them.

 

Guy 3- You decided to end it, saw "non-boyfriend material". This one is ok, you saw his negative signs and didn't want to proceed.

 

You've just had a bad run, you met 2 a-holes and one guy that was still looking.

 

No I never tried to buy my ex's love. He was in a financial bind at the time. He was jobless and didn't have the money at the time to pay for some important bills. I helped him out...like any person who loves and or cares for somebody does. I never bought him gifts or anything like that. I helped him when it was necessary. I did things as far as attempting to make our relationship better. Like adjusting to his requests. But he never did the same for me in return so it became completely one sided. That's something I realized while in that relationship. That's part of the reason why I dumped him.

[Lolita_Sky]

Question for you Lolita Sky: have you ever initiated a relationship? Were these men the ones who initiated? If so, you might want to initiate; see what you like and act on it, instead of waiting for the man to ask you out.

 

There are good men out there just as there are good women (and, of course, compatible men and women); finding them is the task. Don't worry: your frustration and tears put you in very good company.

 

Interesting question. I never initiated the first two relationships. The last one I decided I wanted a FWB relationship with them. I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and explained that to the individual. They were understanding of that and wasn't ready to jump into a relationship either. Honestly I thought at the least he was a decent guy. We had a great time when in the company of each other. Even outside of the bedroom. But he has an issue with admitting when he is wrong and wound up ruining the fwb relationship. He'll more likely than not attempt to contact me after some time. We have mutual friends so its a matter of time before we see each other again.

 

I'm not getting involved with him again in that way though. He ruined that. But I do see where you are coming from with this. I did have a sense of control in the last relationship because I was the one that initiated it and I was the one to end it.

 

I like the idea of being in control, so that is something I will definitely try out in the future if ever I come across a guy I think would be a good boyfriend.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Guy 2- "I did everything for this man and never saw him" (almost like you were trying to buy his love). This is pretty unhealthy behavior. People need to love you for you, not for things you do for them.

 

Let me rephrase this. You were obviously dating an unavailable male. He didn't love you just for being you, so you tried to enter him into a "covert contract". An unspoken contract where you do things for him while covertly asking for something in return.

 

"I will change my schedule, I'll help you out financially, I'll adjust to your request... but you can't leave me and you must treat me well"

 

You would've never received his love just being yourself (not your fault, he's broken/unavailable), so when your "covert contract" didn't yield a positive return you were hurt and you left him.

[Lolita_Sky]

Let me rephrase this. You were obviously dating an unavailable male. He didn't love you just for being you, so you tried to enter him into a "covert contract". An unspoken contract where you do things for him while covertly asking for something in return.

 

"I will change my schedule, I'll help you out financially, I'll adjust to your request... but you can't leave me and you must treat me well"

 

You would've never received his love just being yourself (not your fault, he's broken/unavailable), so when your "covert contract" didn't yield a positive return you were hurt and you left him.

 

That wasn't my intention AT ALL. He PRESSURED me into being in a relationship with him. And then when I finally gave in, he was emotionally lazy, didn't do ANYTHING for me as far as what a boyfriend is suppose to do. He couldn't even take out the time to remember to do the smallest things I asked him to do for me. There wasn't anything "covert" about my actions. I simply acted out of love, nothing else. He complained about me choosing a work schedule where I was off on days that he worked. So I requested a schedule change in an attempt to make him happy (which is something any couple would do if that were an option available to them) and he still was not satisfied. He never even came to see me. But expected me to drive an hour and a half away to only see him for a couple of hours but he was too busy to come see me. Hell no, I'm not wasting my gas to come see an ******* who couldn't even bother to come see me. But had plenty of time to go out for drinks with his co-workers. No, I did what any girlfriend who loves their boyfriend would do. There wasn't any "covert" or ulterior motives behind anything I did. I did it for the sake of our relationship in an attempt to make it better. I never not once thought in my mind that I'll do this or I'll do that in an attempt to gain his love. I thought he loved me already but started to see that he didn't and was lying to me the whole time.

 

There had been SEVERAL occasions where I cried/sobbed asking why he hurt me so much and never reciprocated his love for me if he said he loved me like he did. You know his response? Nothing, wouldn't say anything would just let me sit there and cry.

 

This man was a toxic leech. Not just the kind that sucked out every bit of good that is in a woman, but he poisoned the very host he attached himself to. Just typing about this man brings up so much hatred in me towards him. If I only I knew now what I knew then...

[pteromom]

I knew he wasn't good for me but I dated him anyway.

 

This is what is wrong with you.

 

I assume your profile pic is you. If so, you are very pretty. You also seem smart and very self-aware. And talented.

 

So you are a catch. You have to think of yourself that way, and refuse to settle for less than you want in a relationship.

 

A guy doesn't have time for you? BYE. A guy is disrespectful to you? BYE. A guy wants you to chase him and refuses to give you affection? BYE. Don't get into the trap of thinking you can fix someone, and don't choose a relationship based solely on emotion. Learn to balance your head and your heart and use BOTH when moving forward into a relationship with someone.

 

You can't expect others to do what you want them to do. You have to know what you want, speak up for it, and let someone go if they are incapable or unwilling to give it to you.

[Lolita_Sky]

Your man picker is broken AND you speed past the warning signs.

 

You may be right about my man picker. But I do notice the warning signs. But for whatever reason I ignore them or don't listen to better judgement. Which is my fault. Once I learn something though I won't make the same mistake again. As with this. I'm completely aware of this now so the next time around I'll know with full confidence that the guy I'm dating is a good choice. Thank you for your response.

[Lolita_Sky]

This is what is wrong with you.

 

I assume your profile pic is you. If so, you are very pretty. You also seem smart and very self-aware. And talented.

 

So you are a catch. You have to think of yourself that way, and refuse to settle for less than you want in a relationship.

 

A guy doesn't have time for you? BYE. A guy is disrespectful to you? BYE. A guy wants you to chase him and refuses to give you affection? BYE. Don't get into the trap of thinking you can fix someone, and don't choose a relationship based solely on emotion. Learn to balance your head and your heart and use BOTH when moving forward into a relationship with someone.

 

You can't expect others to do what you want them to do. You have to know what you want, speak up for it, and let someone go if they are incapable or unwilling to give it to you.

 

Wow, that really made me do a double take. I mean I have said it so many times before but to actually take that statement seriously...I don't think I have. Allowing myself to date such jerks as I have. I deserve someone who is on the same plain as myself.

 

Thank you so much for this response, it really made me feel a lot better and has definitely given me a boost of confidence. Lol