Beatrice111 Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I need some guidance. One of my single male friends met a married woman and they are in the beginnings of an affair - she is having problems in her marriage, says her husband is emotionally distant - she is very unhappy - she also has 2 small children. They met innocently enough and started causally texting - it really was a friendship at first. But my friend started to develop feelings for her and she for him - he is kind and loving, and I think she saw in him, what her husband was lacking. They started to meet occaisonally for coffee (her husband doesn't know obviously). Now my friend had fallen in love with her - he is completely and utterly in love. He says nothing physical has happened, and I believe him - but I also know him, he wants desperately to be with her, and I think they are going to meet this weekend and take it to the next level. He is a Christian and I've tried to talk to him about this, to tell him that he needs to stop it before it goes too far, but in a way it has, all he sees is his love for her, his need to be with her. What can I do? What can i say? I've talk to him about the consequences - her family, her children. It is killing me that this will destroy a family. Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Morality aside, ask him if he's prepared for the mechanics of a secret relationship which means never being able to be seen in public as a couple; certainly never being able to be affectionate in public; never freely being with her when he wants and being at the mercy of her family schedule; spending holidays and both their birthdays without each other; being unable to freely communicate with each other; living with the fear of getting caught, and what the husband will do WHEN he finds out; living with with guilt for wrecking a family; having stepchildren that will absolutely hate him (if it goes that far); and of course, being with a woman that is having sex with another man...yes, the married couple WILL have sex (regardless of what she tells him). All of those things will make for a strained, painful, stress-filled, awful relationship that will always be on the cusp of ending suddenly. She may very well find it too inconvenient, stressful, and guilt-ridden, and might end up dumping HIM. Encourage him to look at the bigger picture and if he wants to enjoy a REAL relationship with her, be patient and let her current marriage run it's course. If it fails on it's own, then he's all set to try to start a new life with her. If it doesn't fail, then their relationship was doomed to anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beatrice111 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 Thank you MichiganMan, I particularly appreciate your last point about him staying away and letting her marriage run it's course, then he could be with her free and clear and not be responsible for it ending. I have told him some of the things you mentioned, but right now he is blind to logic and reality - he is in love, and all he sees is her, all he wants is her - he thinks he can conquer all obstacles. This will end badly, and I don't like him very much right now, but I will be there to pick up the pieces, because he's my friend. He seems to have made his choice and as a Christian will have to answer to God. I just wish I was able to do or say something to head this off for him before they go too far. My heart breaks for her husband and children - they don't deserve this. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 He is a Christian so the biggest question he should ask himself is "What would Jesus do?" Seriously. The bottom line is that you don't become the "other man/woman" in a marriage. You just don't. It is not your place to drive a wedge between a married couple. They may have problems but that is no excuse. Does your friend want to be the guy who interrupted the chance to have a man and is wife reconcile? The term "homewrecker" can't get used enough. Tell him to step down. She's taken and that's another man's rhubarb. It isn't right. If she wants to leave him she should leave him, otherwise don't be the wedge that seperates them. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 You can show what betrayed husbands sometimes do to other men. Sleeping with married women is sometimes taking your life into your own hands which is why I will never do it besides the morality issue which matters to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Tainted love Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Could you perhaps direct him to this site? Let him look at the devastation he may have a part in. There is a blueprint for most affairs (something is missing at home for MW but when the chips are down she will remain with her husband and children - he is just providing her with attention at the moment which he is mistaking for love). No good can come of this. It's lucky he has got a friend in you, he's going to need one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beatrice111 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 Thank you all for your advice - it is much appreciated. While I know what he is doing is wrong, I don't believe it's my place contact her husband. And unfortunately, I also know that all secrets do have a way of revealing themselves in time. I did talk to him again on the weekend, and while I know I didn't completely get through to him, I do think I have planted a seed. He also mentioned on his own that while he does love her, he is beginning to feel guilty about the damage they are doing to her marriage, and he is remembering the devastating effect his own divorce had on his daughter. I'm also encouraging him to go back to church - I think this will also help him see that he is going down the wrong path. Thank you again everyone - I am not giving up, I will keep trying to convince him to end this!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Thank you all for your advice - it is much appreciated. Thank us? Thank us by taking action. YF is only thinking with his little head. The damage from this EA turning into a PA will only get worse. You can stop the damage for going bad to worse. You know a murder is going to take place and won't lift a finger to call the cops. You know a marriage is going to be murdered and you won't lift a finger to tell the BH. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Thank you MichiganMan, I particularly appreciate your last point about him staying away and letting her marriage run it's course, then he could be with her free and clear and not be responsible for it ending. I have told him some of the things you mentioned, but right now he is blind to logic and reality - he is in love, and all he sees is her, all he wants is her - he thinks he can conquer all obstacles. This will end badly, and I don't like him very much right now, but I will be there to pick up the pieces, because he's my friend. He seems to have made his choice and as a Christian will have to answer to God. I just wish I was able to do or say something to head this off for him before they go too far. My heart breaks for her husband and children - they don't deserve this. The only way you can truly break up the affair fog these 2 are in is by introducing other ppl into this situation. Her husband, his family ... etc. I don't think you are ready or want to do that. PS: He is doing this as Christian who truly believes in God ... he is no Christian. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 I think you should confront him one last time, and tell him you cannot be in a friendship with someone who is doing what he is. Then distance yourself from him. A's have consequences, including loosing friends. He needs to see and feel this. My FWW's best friend walked away clean when my FWW was in her A. I always wondered why her BFF cut clean. Too bad she never told me why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beatrice111 Posted December 27, 2012 Author Share Posted December 27, 2012 (edited) I did confront him before Christmas one last time - I basicially risked my friendship by telling him exactly what I thought about him - I was brutal and hurtful (so unlike me - but it needed to be done). I was completely honest about how as a Christian he is being a hypocrit, how this will destroy lives, and how he is being a selfish bastard. I don't think it was all that I said, but a combination of it being Christmas, him being around his family and going to church -- but I heard from him yesterday saying he is backing off, that he contacted her Christmas day and said she needs to make a decision: him or her family. That he will not be in contact until she decides. This is probably not the exact way and time he should have done it, but at least he is breaking communication with her - what she does now is all up to her. And believe me, I will be on his tail every day to make sure he follows through and doesn't cave. Edited December 27, 2012 by Beatrice111 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 He still avoided making the decision, left it to her ... coward. Beatrice, did you tell your husband about what he is doing ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beatrice111 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Share Posted December 31, 2012 Yes, it was a cowardly way out, I agree Radu. But, in the end, it still accomplishes the purpose -- for him to not move forward with her. And she is the married person in this, so she has everything to lose, not to mention the pain that would be inflicted on her family. And no, I have not contacted her husband. I don't know him at all. BUT, if he backslides and contacts her, it is something that I am seriously considering. I don't want to step into the middle of this now until she makes her decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 He is in the fog of an emotional affair with this OW. He does not seem to see what is obvious to others and that is if she is willing to cheat with him, she will one day be willing to cheat on him. She at one time promised to love, honor and cherish her current husband and yet she is willing to cheat on him. Why does he not think that in 5 years she would not do that to him? Also if he can not tell his family about this women and her current status, then he knows it is wrong as well and is merely lying to himself. The bottom line is that this relationship is a fantasy and not real. Real life is dealing with working, keeping a household, taking care of the kids, bills, etc. This relationship has not been tested in that manner and in fact would quickly fold if it ever got exposed to all his friends and family. If he is bringing her around you, then he is including you in his lie. I commend you for standing up for what you believe and holding your friend to a higher standard. That is an act of Christianity, not sneaking around behind your spouses back. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 I once had an acquaintance who had an affair with a married woman with kids. Whatever protection they were using failed, and she got pregnant. She knew what side her bread was buttered on and dumped the OM. She had the baby, then she & her husband tried to sue him for child support. Yeah, these things can end really badly. I'm glad you stood up to your friend and reminded him of what he supposedly values. But Radu is right -- he didn't really choose the ethical path and break things off with her, he just put the ball in her court and told her to choose. Hopefully she won't string him along with a lot of empty promises that she will leave her husband someday. Link to post Share on other sites
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