Her boyfriend practically lives with us

[Drseussgrrl]

Hey all,

 

I have a roommate that I get along really well with. We've never had any compatibility issues, and we don't let the little things bother us. She's actually pretty awesome.

 

I'm also pretty good friends with her boyfriend - in fact I knew him first.

 

The problem is he is at our apartment EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I now live with a couple, it seems. And they pretty much take over the living room together in the evenings and I feel awkward so I end up in my room a lot of the time.

 

He's got a key to our place and just lets himself in now. Some nights I come home and they'll be cuddled up on the couch and I just want to say something snarky like "Hey, how's the cable that I pay for?"

 

They seem to have no boundaries with each other. She's been known to text back friends for him from his phone, they have keys to each other's cars, they're just simply NEVER apart and it's annoying. They also bicker a lot and that makes things really uncomfortable for people around them.

 

I love them both dearly and they really are some of my best friends, and I guess I'm afraid if I say something it's going to rock the boat.

 

Ugh.

[Emilia]

I love them both dearly and they really are some of my best friends, and I guess I'm afraid if I say something it's going to rock the boat.

 

Ugh.

 

My sister went through something similar, she ended up moving out eventually (though for a combination of things).

 

You will need to speak to them but before that, you need to decide what the issues are:

 

 

• Are there too many people in the apartment (is it too small for 3?)?
  
• Do they hog the space too much, do they take over too much?
  
• Should he be financially contributing? (probably yes with being around this much)
  

I know this is difficult but it needs to be sorted.

[Survivor12]

Unfortunately, becoming roommates can--and often does--lead to the breakup of friendships. The key to making it through (besides separate bathrooms) is good communication, the willingness to compromise, and a good deal of tolerance. Before you open the discussion, however, it is important that you know exactly what you want & what concessions you are willing to offer in exchange for your requests being honored. It is also important to be realistic.

 

In your case, which is more important to you--your roommate's bf not visiting so frequently, having the living room to yourself more often (while they are in another room) or the issue of shared expenses? The next step is to think about what you want. If you're concerned about $, how much to you feel the bf should contribute? If it's about wanting more time on your couch alone, how much time do you think is fair? You may also want to consider whether you would be willing to comply with what you are asking if circumstances were to change.

 

As far as how much time they spend together, what their boundaries are in their relationship, or how they choose to use their phones, etc., that's not your business so bringing it up in the conversation will only create tension between you. Even how much they bicker is not up to you--only that you wish not to be subjected to it. As a matter of fact, if any of these issues is the real reason for your dissatisfaction, then it may be best to just start looking for a new place because regardless of what other concessions they may agree to make, you still won't be satisfied.

 

Above all, particularly since you are friends with both of them, I would advise that you weigh the value of their friendships against the importance of your grievances. Would it really be worth it to you to lose a friend over the cost of 1/6 of your cable bill (the difference between paying half & paying 1/3)?

 

Think it through before you decide to open what could be a can of worms.

[Drseussgrrl]

No I wouldn't have a vocal opinion on anyone's relationship/boundaries. I'm just annoyed by it all because it's in my face all the time.

 

The simple fact is they could be spending more time at his place. He owns a really nice condo around the corner where he lives with his brother, literally less than a 2 minute drive. But because the parking sitch there kind of sucks, he ends up just coming to our apartment.

 

Bottom line is, I wish they just spent equal time at each other's places instead of having him basically move in. I don't think he should just let himself in, either. He doesn't live there so he can knock. What if I'm not dressed?

 

I didn't sign up to live with a couple - I signed up to live with another girl.

 

And yes - we have our own bathrooms.

[Survivor12]

Glad to hear about the bathrooms!

 

As far as the key is concerned, you have a concrete (and very valid) point, but what is the solution? Of course, you would like him to return the key, but would you be willing to compromise about him keeping it IF he agreed to knock before entering and only use it in case there is no one there? What about if he agreed to only use it in case of an emergency? Those are the things that you need to think about before discussing it with your roommate so that you are prepared to negotiate.

 

As far as them spending time elsewhere, it is not up to you where they can or do choose to spend their time together. The issue is that you would like it if he weren't at your place as often which is reasonable since it is your place as well as your roommate's. You are entitled, as is she, to enjoy spending time in your home. So, you need to ask yourself, how much time are you comfortable with having him (or other guests for that matter) there? Are there certain days of the week or times of the day that you prefer to not have visitors? Would it make you more comfortable if they spent part of the time in your roommate's room rather in the living room?

 

What I'm trying to point out is that it is much better to approach your roommate about how you are feeling and that you are willing to negotiate a compromise, than to make it just about her bf. it's not about him, it's about you and your roommate and what is fair for you both. If you were to decide, (just as an example) that you would like to have the place guest-free three days a week because you like and need some private time, it isn't just about the bf. do you see what I mean? Also, there is no need to say, "you guys can hang out at his place" because that is for them to work out AFTER you and she come to an agreement about guests in general.

 

Hope this helps.

[Emilia]

Bottom line is, I wish they just spent equal time at each other's places instead of having him basically move in. I don't think he should just let himself in, either. He doesn't live there so he can knock. What if I'm not dressed?

 

 

Missed the key issue earlier. That's definitely a no-no. She should have consulted you anyway. What if he is irresponsible with the key and someone else gets hold of it? There is also the 'he comes and goes as he pleases' issue.

 

I do think think this is conversation time: only with her though.

[whichwayisup]

No I wouldn't have a vocal opinion on anyone's relationship/boundaries. I'm just annoyed by it all because it's in my face all the time.

 

The simple fact is they could be spending more time at his place. He owns a really nice condo around the corner where he lives with his brother, literally less than a 2 minute drive. But because the parking sitch there kind of sucks, he ends up just coming to our apartment.

 

Bottom line is, I wish they just spent equal time at each other's places instead of having him basically move in. I don't think he should just let himself in, either. He doesn't live there so he can knock. What if I'm not dressed?

 

I didn't sign up to live with a couple - I signed up to live with another girl.

 

And yes - we have our own bathrooms.

 

I think it's time to have an honest conversation with your friend. There has to be a compromise here.

Divide time spent between places. They need to be aware that they can't hog the livingroom every single night as that's not fair to you. Reading that actually bothers me because it's like they've claimed that room as theirs and you aren't a thought or concern. If he is to hang around as much as he does, then he should be helping with cleaning up, doing dishes and paying for some groceries.

 

An honest talk with no intention of arguing or letting it get angry can happen. Genuine basic respect of each others needs, boundries and space. Seems your friend has forgotten some of this

 

Yes the key thing.. Wrong of her to give him a key without telling you or discussing with you. He needs to not have a key..This is as much YOUR place as it is hers so it was wrong and unfair of her to go ahead and give him that key without your permission.

[todreaminblue]

Hey all,

 

I have a roommate that I get along really well with. We've never had any compatibility issues, and we don't let the little things bother us. She's actually pretty awesome.

 

I'm also pretty good friends with her boyfriend - in fact I knew him first.

 

The problem is he is at our apartment EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I now live with a couple, it seems. And they pretty much take over the living room together in the evenings and I feel awkward so I end up in my room a lot of the time.

 

He's got a key to our place and just lets himself in now. Some nights I come home and they'll be cuddled up on the couch and I just want to say something snarky like "Hey, how's the cable that I pay for?"

 

They seem to have no boundaries with each other. She's been known to text back friends for him from his phone, they have keys to each other's cars, they're just simply NEVER apart and it's annoying. They also bicker a lot and that makes things really uncomfortable for people around them.

 

I love them both dearly and they really are some of my best friends, and I guess I'm afraid if I say something it's going to rock the boat.

 

Ugh.

 

 

when people become a couple and room mate situation then becomes difficult....if you are really uncomfortable then maybe it is time to move on......because people who are together should be together......i think outward shows of affection can get annoying to watch ....bu tthat doesnt mean they shouldnt feel comfortable showing affection in the place she lives...or he lives......even though it may be awkward.....maybe you should talk to her.......i dont believe in bickering and showing people up in social context or in front of others unless there is no other way i wont argue in public or in front of others...i dotn think its right.... i dont like doing it and would avoid it as much as possible i would always seek to have privacy....i dont like humiliation doing it or having it done to me....bickering can lead to that.i would lose respect for someone who called me out in front of others...its classless, rude to air greivances that should be personal...it shows lack of thought and compassion....i would if in this type of relationship be very uncomfortable myself let alone watch or listen to a couple bicker....and it get down and dirty in front of me...yuck............have a talk to your room mate tell her exactly how you feel what annoys you how much you care and see if you can work it out.....i wish you luck....deb