Trying again, how to get past his crushes?

[PinkSapphire]

So I am trying again with my ex and so far thing are going well. We had a rocky first couple months, with frequent fights, lots of discussions, bringing up all our issues and trying to talk through them. It was really rough, and I almost bailed.

Fast forward to now and things are much better, the fights have stopped, and we are back to the fun part of dating someone "new."

However, my issue is, I am not sure I can actually get past the fact that he develops crushes on our (his, our, mutual, whatever) female friends. I have come to realize that this is just an aspect of his personality, and right now I am not invested enough for it to bother me, BUT it is a big part of why we broke up in the first place and caused me to become insanely jealous almost constantly during our relationship (which originally ended a year ago, fwiw).

 

Now, this is my first relationship, so I realize I may have unrealistic expectations or just not really understand how a relationship works. I mean, I know my guy friends flirt with me in a way that I would not be okay with if I were in their gf's shoes; but their women don't seem to mind. It makes me wonder if this is just a normal guy thing that I should not be upset about.

 

So I come to you, Loveshack. Is this normal guy behavior? Should I just overlook it and chalk it up to maleness? I know that I can develop crushes on guys, but the difference is, I don't tell my bf or guy I am dating because that seems to me to be asking for trouble and a lot disrespectful. Seeing him hug and chat/flirt with other women can be hard when we are exclusive and I am not sure how to deal with it, or if I even should. I have accepted hearing him talk about women; I figure if he is sharing, then there is no worry and it is just harmless and fun to think about. Also the fact that he is sharing with me is actually a positive in that I am being let in to his thoughts. I have talked this over with multiple trustworthy guy friends, and their view is what has made me think of it differently and learn to accept those things.

 

I hope that all made sense. tl;dr Basically, I am hesitant about jumping back into a relationship with him because I know that the fact he gets crushes quite often and gushes over other women and their looks/bodies causes me to become sick and very jealous. Is there a way I can get over that or think of it differently, and is it really just harmless and very normal for a guy? Or is it disrespectful to me and I should leave now? I am 26, if that matters.

 

Thank you very much!

[pteromom]

I am hesitant about jumping back into a relationship with him because I know that the fact he gets crushes quite often and gushes over other women and their looks/bodies causes me to become sick and very jealous. Is there a way I can get over that or think of it differently, and is it really just harmless and very normal for a guy? Or is it disrespectful to me and I should leave now? I am 26, if that matters.

 

Thank you very much!

 

It doesn't really matter if it is "normal" or not. The question is whether it works for YOU.

 

If being in a relationship with him makes you feel sad and jealous and insecure, and you don't normally feel that way, you should NOT ignore your own instincts.

 

Have you tried just telling him that you understand he finds other women attractive, but you don't want to hear about how beautiful or interesting other women are? Have you told him that you want to feel special and like you are the only woman in the world when you are with him, and that he needs to learn how to appreciate other women subtly?

 

If so - what does he say?

 

I do NOT agree with your friends that it is good that he tells you this. Part of being in a relationship is being sensitive to the person you are with, and taking their feelings into consideration.

 

If I thought it would be fun to punch my friend in the face every morning, should I get brownie points for telling him "Hey I really would love to punch you every day, but you know I would never do that, right?" He wouldn't be saying "Hey she's a great girl because she would never punch me." He would be saying "Why why why does she WANT to punch me?"

 

So what payoff does your boyfriend get by telling you every time a girl with nice boobs walks by? Is he just oblivious that it cuts you? Does he enjoy making you insecure? Or is he so girl-crazy that he just can't help himself. None of the answers are positive ones.

[Clockwork]

It happens. Look, I am happily married to a beautiful woman. She gives me everything I have ever wanted inside and outside. I do not crave another woman at all. However, it is perfectly natural to have a crush on another girl. It could be someone you work with or someone who is very kind to you and such. Guy's are suckers for this stuff. But the real guys leave it at that - just a crush. The philanderers explore even more these feelings. You can have a crush on a girl. You can be attracted to the girl who checks you out at the grocery store or one of the bankers at your bank. But that's as far as it has gone for me. Why? Because I realize that a crush is just based on physical attraction and rather quickly I always step back and ask myself "Would this woman love me the way my wife does?" Then you realize how lucky you've got it and realize it was just a silly crush. I wouldn't put a lot of stock into this unless your boyfriend is pursuing his crushes.

[Cutiepie1976]

Interesting answers so far. I had never thought of any guy I dated having crushes on other women. How funny! ...Although I guess it must happen.

 

Truth is, it's not something they ever shared with me, nor did they ever look at another woman in my presence...and I have eyes discreetly hidden all over my head. They didn't comment about other women's looks to me. They were focused on me, on letting me know that I was the most beautiful woman with the most banging body they had ever met, and they considered themselves incredibly lucky. Ditto for me. I never glanced or flirted with another guy while with a date or my boyfriend or even just with a guy who had a crush on me. It would have felt rude and deliberately hurtful.

 

Are there guys that openly ogle other women in front of their girlfriends/SOs? Absolutely. Especially at the gym. It never fails that some guy will abruptly leave his GF mid-sentence or drop his dumb bells to come help me with a piece of equipment, open a door for me, etc. while she glares in irritation.

 

I find it inconsiderate and disrespectful of someone you supposedly care for. For me, it would be a deal breaker. IME, these guys are in the minority. Most guys, if they find someone attractive, have enough judgment to keep such thoughts to themselves.

[GSB81]

Pink, did you go see the movie Magic Mike?

[PinkSapphire]

Thank you for your answers.

 

I agree with the not sharing viewpoint of others on here. That is what my instincts say, but then I wondered if I was way off base somehow. It is extremely irritating when we are out and he stares and drools over the waitress or whoever it is so that I can't even continue my conversation with him. I always think I should get up and walk myself home.

 

I have not seen Magic Mike. Would it help? haha

[mammasita]

Thank you for your answers.

 

I agree with the not sharing viewpoint of others on here. That is what my instincts say, but then I wondered if I was way off base somehow. It is extremely irritating when we are out and he stares and drools over the waitress or whoever it is so that I can't even continue my conversation with him. I always think I should get up and walk myself home.

 

I have not seen Magic Mike. Would it help? haha

Thats disrespectful.

 

My thought is that it's normal to admire other men/women and even comment on it. It becomes disrespectful when your SO compares that person to you or it becomes insulting to you......and it is definitely disrespectful for a man to blatantly flirt with another woman in front of his SO. That said, you have to decide what is acceptable for your relationship.

 

I wouldn't be OK with that drooling and staring crap, but I don't care in the least if he looks.

Edited December 14, 2012 by mammasita

[Negative Nancy]

It happens. Look, I am happily married to a beautiful woman. She gives me everything I have ever wanted inside and outside. I do not crave another woman at all. However, it is perfectly natural to have a crush on another girl. It could be someone you work with or someone who is very kind to you and such. Guy's are suckers for this stuff.

 

So your wife gives you everything and yet you lust after other women. This typical male thinking is sickening. It just shows that men are never happy with what they have and that giving 100% as a woman just isn't appreciated.

[in_absentia]

Negative Nancy (wow what an appropriate name), you can't actually help who you're attracted to or lust over. The guy you're responding to sounds sensible to me, he loves his wife, he is aware of his attraction to other women, but chooses to think it over and not act on it out of love for his wife. I'm currently single but when I was in a committed happy relationship I still got brief crushes on guys I know. It's normal. It's natural. Anyone that says it never happens to them is probably lying.

[todreaminblue]

So I am trying again with my ex and so far thing are going well. We had a rocky first couple months, with frequent fights, lots of discussions, bringing up all our issues and trying to talk through them. It was really rough, and I almost bailed.

Fast forward to now and things are much better, the fights have stopped, and we are back to the fun part of dating someone "new."

However, my issue is, I am not sure I can actually get past the fact that he develops crushes on our (his, our, mutual, whatever) female friends. I have come to realize that this is just an aspect of his personality, and right now I am not invested enough for it to bother me, BUT it is a big part of why we broke up in the first place and caused me to become insanely jealous almost constantly during our relationship (which originally ended a year ago, fwiw).

 

Now, this is my first relationship, so I realize I may have unrealistic expectations or just not really understand how a relationship works. I mean, I know my guy friends flirt with me in a way that I would not be okay with if I were in their gf's shoes; but their women don't seem to mind. It makes me wonder if this is just a normal guy thing that I should not be upset about.

 

So I come to you, Loveshack. Is this normal guy behavior? Should I just overlook it and chalk it up to maleness? I know that I can develop crushes on guys, but the difference is, I don't tell my bf or guy I am dating because that seems to me to be asking for trouble and a lot disrespectful. Seeing him hug and chat/flirt with other women can be hard when we are exclusive and I am not sure how to deal with it, or if I even should. I have accepted hearing him talk about women; I figure if he is sharing, then there is no worry and it is just harmless and fun to think about. Also the fact that he is sharing with me is actually a positive in that I am being let in to his thoughts. I have talked this over with multiple trustworthy guy friends, and their view is what has made me think of it differently and learn to accept those things.

 

I hope that all made sense. tl;dr Basically, I am hesitant about jumping back into a relationship with him because I know that the fact he gets crushes quite often and gushes over other women and their looks/bodies causes me to become sick and very jealous. Is there a way I can get over that or think of it differently, and is it really just harmless and very normal for a guy? Or is it disrespectful to me and I should leave now? I am 26, if that matters.

 

Thank you very much!

 

 

I was in a relationship with a guy who talked about other girls constantly.....i first noticed early on that he stared at women not lganced stared even when with me....it made me uncomfortable.......he ended up being.... a serial cheat........i didnt dress like the other women around..lived ina red ligth district.....for starters i had a fave pair of boots i would wear with everything.....i would wear lol.....bright purple tights under denim shorts......and red boots...puss in boots.....smilin......i remember wearing that one day i felt colourful so i wore it..most of the time i dressed classic...and he said "you dress disgusting why cant you be normal"......like her or her, ooh look at her.....and from then on even though i never wore that outfit again......he would talk about other women...point out features and say dont you wish you looked like that.....he developed crushes on other girls ....and slept with them...i threw the relationship open...

 

 

 

 

i had guys chasing me who were attracted to me ..he always made me feel pretty bad...i was extremely fit i danced i had an excellent body....ex navy....but i always felt sorry for him ...i blamed his upbringing and issues on that upbringing his childhood as horrible...similar to mine except he was an orphan...he never told me in three years we were together.....hey you are beautiful..he mainly wanted sex from mem....the insults turned me frigid......by staying with him i kamikazed myself....i am still his friend...but dont stay with someone who looks or develops crushes on others..it is normal to find others attractive.....but developing a crush shows investment...in more than an emotive way....it shows a physical attraction and that can lead to deeper relationships if the person who is being crushed on is receptive.....it si disrespectful...dont let it get more so......

Edited December 15, 2012 by todreaminblue