lemonlegs Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I've been dating my current boyfriend for 9 months now. His ex-girlfriend and him were in a 4 year long relationship and lived together for 2, and they're only 23. I'm 21. Initially, I was like "wow, that sucks" just because I felt I had a lot to compete with in the sense that she was his first love and they shared so much, etc. However, I've gotten over it obviously. Generally, I'm not overly insecure. Yes, she's pretty and all, and I bet she's a really nice girl. But I think my feelings are natural. Yes, I creep facebook and that doesn't help. Suddenly it dawned on me that I think I feel this weird sort of 'fascination' for creeping her and finding out about her because I have NO idea who she is, I've never met her and it seems weird to me that the person I'm so close to now was once so close to this girl who's a random stranger to me. For example, with my ex, his first love and a girl he dated for over 2 years went to our highschool. However, it didn't faze me if he talked to her, went to her parties, brought her up in conversation. Yet, the girl he dated before me lived in a different province and I never met her. It really bothered me to hear about her and I didn't like that at first, he would talk to her on the phone. WHY? Because I do not know who this girl is. I guess there's not much of a question here, except, am I normal for feeling this? Am I the only one insane enough to actually WANT to meet/know my boyfriend's ex? Anyone else ever feel this way or after a while actually did meet the ex and it made you feel better? Just an FYI, she doesn't bother me.... I guess just as much as any other person would occasionally think, "Gee, I wish you didn't have a past." (Perhaps a bit immature, yes.) Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 You know I wouldn't worry about it. He chose you, not her. If he broke up with her after 4 years together there must be a reason. Personally I was open with my girlfriend (eventually my wife) about my past. My family and friends had met my ex-girlfriend so I couldn't really hide who she was. So I explained it. I told of all the bad stuff she did and I told of all the stuff I did that wasn't good either. Better she hear it from me. It also helped that anyone of my family and friends never had anything good to say about her so she learned more about her. Because we talked about it, she knew my feelings towards my ex and how I loathed that time in my life. For whatever reason my wife is the least jealous woman I have ever met. I don't know why. She doesn't get jealous and actually liked hearing about my past. I didn't want her to be left out and not know a chapter in my life. Because of that I think it made her not want - or not need - to meet my ex girlfriend. What we did before my wife and I met was a different life and we are starting a new one. We didn't hide our past either, which helps with trust. So if I were you I'd ask your boyfriend about his past. How can you know someone without learning about their past? This will help you bond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemonlegs Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 You know I wouldn't worry about it. He chose you, not her. If he broke up with her after 4 years together there must be a reason. Personally I was open with my girlfriend (eventually my wife) about my past. My family and friends had met my ex-girlfriend so I couldn't really hide who she was. So I explained it. I told of all the bad stuff she did and I told of all the stuff I did that wasn't good either. Better she hear it from me. It also helped that anyone of my family and friends never had anything good to say about her so she learned more about her. Because we talked about it, she knew my feelings towards my ex and how I loathed that time in my life. For whatever reason my wife is the least jealous woman I have ever met. I don't know why. She doesn't get jealous and actually liked hearing about my past. I didn't want her to be left out and not know a chapter in my life. Because of that I think it made her not want - or not need - to meet my ex girlfriend. What we did before my wife and I met was a different life and we are starting a new one. We didn't hide our past either, which helps with trust. So if I were you I'd ask your boyfriend about his past. How can you know someone without learning about their past? This will help you bond. Thank you, I fully understand. And actually, I was the one that had to TELL him to bring up his past. That's not the issue. He was the one that thought it was weird I wanted to hear about it. I liked hearing about their relationship. I'm referring more to the random mentions of her in conversation, such as "Oh, my ex did that..." or whatever. That's what I mean in thinking it's weird that I want to know her MORE... it's a hard one to explain. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Thank you, I fully understand. And actually, I was the one that had to TELL him to bring up his past. That's not the issue. He was the one that thought it was weird I wanted to hear about it. I liked hearing about their relationship. I'm referring more to the random mentions of her in conversation, such as "Oh, my ex did that..." or whatever. That's what I mean in thinking it's weird that I want to know her MORE... it's a hard one to explain. It's not weird at all. But if you have an open dialogue with your boyfriend you'll learn about her and maybe you won't want to meet her at all. Maybe she isn't a good person to be around. No you aren't weird, a serious relationship should have no skeletons in their closet about their past. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 The only time that I want to know is if it is someone that I may cross paths with. Save me the specific details, but I don't need to be the only one in the room that doesn't know about applicable history. Link to post Share on other sites
in_absentia Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 I get this; I've always been less jealous of the exes I knew, than the ones I didn't. It's the whole 'unknown' thing. Whereas when you've actually met or known them, you realise they're nothing special. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lemonlegs Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 I get this; I've always been less jealous of the exes I knew, than the ones I didn't. It's the whole 'unknown' thing. Whereas when you've actually met or known them, you realise they're nothing special. YES! Exactly, it's sort of like people being obsessed with celebrities and seeing them in a magazine. It's easy to idealize someone who seemingly is a certain way, and you are never around them in person to disprove your beliefs. I've only ever seen her on Facebook, where, naturally, all of her profile pictures are at least somewhat flattering of her. She's an artist, which seems cool. Yet, if I met her, and spoke to her, I'd realize that there's nothing better or anything to be threatened by about her (hopefully). I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I find it weird when people say, "I'm so glad I don't know my boyfriend's ex" Link to post Share on other sites
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