2456249 Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 My ex boyfriend whom I was with for 6 years is now deciding to change his ways. While we were together we would go off and on with many fights and make ups, but now have been broken up for 6 months. While we were together in the 6 year period he cheated twice. I took him back the first time and the second time I only found out about 5 months ago. So here's my dilemma, I know many of you are already thinking I'm crazy to even consider this guy, but hear me out. We both on a weird level feel like were each others sole mates, because we keep being drawn back to each other. Okay so I hadn't talked to him in weeks and last night he came to my door and I let him in. We talked and he revealed he has been in recovery for a over a month now (he relapsed at the end of our relationship and continued to use until about a month ago). He seems so different now, like the healthiest I have ever seen him. He has a awesome sponsor and is now totally dedicated to improving himself. He doesn't want to start a relationship with me though because he wants to focus on his recovery right now. He made a very sincere apology for everything he has done to hurt me in the past and I could tell he really meant it. The night ended with us getting physically intimate with each other, which I started to regret because I know we can't be in a relationship and he is going to continue casually dating other chicks. I don't want to start a relationship with him until I am fully sure he has truly made a serious change in himself. He also wants to do therapy to help with more of his issues, but I will believe that when I see it. My problem now is that seeing him so healthy and awesome, basically my fantasy image of him that I always wanted him to be is now who he is. It made me feel those loving feelings towards him, but I feel bad about it because of everything he has done in the past. My good friend would flip out if she found out I talked to him and was intimate with him last night. Do you think if he really improves and changes for the permanent, do you think we could be in a relationship again? He told me he knows me and him will get married one day, he just knows because we are always drawn back to each other. I do love him, he is my first everything so it is very hard to let him go. What is your suggestion? Link to post Share on other sites
lemonlime Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I absolutely do think you can. As someone in recovery, that sees the drastic changes in my self when I begin to let my program slip, I know that when that happens it really changes who you are and how you treat people that you care about. Its not how we want to treat the people we love, it just happens. The only thing I think you would need to really watch is that if you begin to see him revert back, you bring it up and make it clear you wont be there if he returns to his old ways. Then you need to follow through on it. And in the beginning when someone is coming back in, its strongly suggested that they dont date... at all. So they can make those new unnatural behaviors into habits before bringing in an outside distraction. If he told you he cant be in a relationship right now, hes probably not dating. You would both have to move forward though and leave the past there. You'd have to try to treat it like a new relationship. I know from experience its easier said then done. There are lots of examples I know at my club house who's wife left them, or they had really terrible unhealthy relationships, and go on to have something much better then before. Just to make it clear though, you should only go back if your sure thats what you want, with the knowledge that it could happen again. Maybe try checking out an al-anon meeting? I'm sure that they could help you decide, and they'd have lots of experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 fool me once fool on you,fool me twice fool on me once a cheater always a cheater dont be fooled by words,words without actions are empty words,i dont believe he is sincere probably trying to pull you into fwb TD Link to post Share on other sites
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