Beautiful for a year, but may be over

[salparadise]

I started dating a wonderful woman more than a year ago and we've had a strong connection. We're both in our 50s. She lives 500 miles away and we've managed to see each other twice a month except for a few times when we had to skip a visit. We've talked on the phone every night before bedtime and sometimes for we've talked for three hours. I love her deeply and she says she loves me, although apparently there are caveats on her side of the equation.

 

A few days ago she told me she needs to take a break for a few weeks to mull things over, figure out how she feels about continuing. She says she's weary of the travel -- we take turns, so a trip once a month for each of us. She says she doesn't like it that our lives are not integrated. In other words, now that the excitement of new love is waning she's not feeling as enthusiastic and see the relationship as a burden that consumes resources and requires a huge amount of energy to maintain. But she still is saying she loves me dearly and is sorry for causing me the grief I'm experiencing. We have always been open and completely honest about our feelings and everything.

 

I've had the feeling that there is something else to it and kept wondering if there was a more concrete reason that she'd be wanting to "take a break," right at Christmas. So today I went on her previous boyfriend's facebook page. I knew that they had remained friends on FB but she said it was definitely over, he was in another relationship, and that they didn't talk. What I found was that she has been "liking" and commenting on his posts and photos all along. I found nothing from him to her, no responses to her comments, etc. I also see that his status is now single, he's no longer in a relationship. She must be hiding the comments and likes from me specifically because they don't show up on my feed or her timeline, but I can see them on his page. By her own admission, she was crazy about this guy and she got dumped about six months before we met. He has family money, she's just getting by, and I am of modest means.

 

So I don't know if it's that she wants, and thinks there's a chance, to get back with this guy, if she's just not that into me anymore, or if it's really about the more practical things that she tells me are the reasons she's rethinking things.

 

Whatever it is, she's got me on hold waiting for her to decide what she wants to do, has ruined my Christmas, and for the first time I'm starting to have feelings of resentment and questioning her motives. I'm a nervous wreck and heartbroken. We aren't communicating while she tires to figure out how she feels. Something about this just isn't right. I hate hanging on a thread and wondering what's going on. Should I confront her regarding the other guy and facebook stuff, or just sit tight and see what happens? How does one deal with this situation? I'd really appreciate some perspective.

[umirano]

My suggestion is to either withdraw (probably difficult as you're in love with her) and provoke her into talking to you. Or, and I see this as much easier, more efficient and more mature, confront her.

 

And then carefully study her reaction. I'm about half as old as you are. it depresses me to see that women at this age still pull off stunts like this.

[salparadise]

Umirano, thank your for you insights. Yes, it is discouraging and depressing, especially on the receiving end when I've been so fully invested, dedicated and believing that what we have is special. There seems to be a passive aggressive element in this--she's putting my emotions on a roller coaster while saying that she's just being honest and open. I can't really know if she subconsciously revels the control while saying it's truly painful for her too, but it feels like it could be. What I do know is that it's damaging the relationship, assuming there still is one at this point. I've trusted her with my heart based on how she said she feels, and it feels very incongruent to have this happening, especially at this time of year.

[TMichaels]

salparadise,

 

Sorry to hear what you're going through, and easier said than done, but my advice would be...

 

"Don't waste (any more of) your time making someone a priority in your life who considers you just one of several options in theirs."

 

Best,

TMichaels

[umirano]

I've trusted her with my heart based on how she said she feels, and it feels very incongruent to have this happening, especially at this time of year.

 

I went through something similar. I guess that's why I feel competent to comment on your situation. Here's what I've concluded:

 

 

• Waiting it out won't work (women in this situation are so confused about themselves, and they see and know exactly what that behavior does to you, that they can't get themselves out of this)
  
• Talking to them only changes something if they want and feel capable of change.
  
• And your talk needs to be strict and uncompromising. Don't settle for excuses and her trying to keep all her options.
  

There are less confused women though, maybe one of those would be more to your liking. Her asking for a break is a pretty strong sign. In my experience there is no such thing as a break in a relationship.

[salparadise]

salparadise,

 

Sorry to hear what you're going through, and easier said than done, but my advice would be... "Don't waste (any more of) your time making someone a priority in your life who considers you just one of several options in theirs."Best,

TMichaels

 

Thanks TM. Yes, I've said that to myself many times in the past week. Only thing is that I really don't know what the situation is exactly, only that it's not what I thought and felt it was. If she tells me she wants to recommit it's one thing, albeit with damage done, but if she's in communication the previous bf then it's totally unacceptable.

 

• Waiting it out won't work (women in this situation are so confused about themselves, and they see and know exactly what that behavior does to you, that they can't get themselves out of this)
  
• Talking to them only changes something if they want and feel capable of change.
  
• And your talk needs to be strict and uncompromising. Don't settle for excuses and her trying to keep all her options.
  

There are less confused women though, maybe one of those would be more to your liking. Her asking for a break is a pretty strong sign. In my experience there is no such thing as a break in a relationship.

 

I told her the last time we spoke that I wouldn't be dangling on a thread for long, and basically that things are going to need to change on way or the other. Muddling along with her acting like I'm on probation or something is a load of crap. Perhaps you're right--maybe it's over already and I'm just letting my emotions overrule my better judgement. We are going to have to have a conversation pretty soon. I think the prospects for a happy outcome are indeed grim.

 

And yes, I'd love to meet on of those women who aren't so confused. I thought she, and the relationship was stable up until this point. Earlier she made concessions and compromises that indicated she was truly invested and wanted it to succeed. I certainly don't need a bunch of emotional turmoil at this stage in my life. Lack of stability is probably a deal breaker for me. But it's hard to think straight when the emotions are swirling like this so will have to take it one day at a time for now.

 

Thanks again

Edited December 14, 2012 by salparadise

[justwhoiam]

Whatever it is, she's got me on hold waiting for her to decide what she wants to do

As a woman, I can think of a few things. First, I guess the message here is: I won't be travelling to you for the time being, as I need to think it over a little bit. I might be cold with you, so you know why.

 

But that doesn't mean your behavior should change. She didn't break up with you. As I see it, if she had broken up with you, you might want to leave her alone. But now? Are you sure? She's conflicted about you and you let her be? It's true, women are all different, but in some cases they are very alike... This is why I guess this is the time you need to show her most what she means to you. Without being intrusive, let her know you think of her, without asking for anything in return. Think of something nice to do for her. If you're not travelling there to see her, buy her something that you know would be meaningful to her. This is my advice. If you give up, it's a sign she was right to think you're stuck as a couple and your love was mild and not strong enough.

 

That said, you need to upgrade the relationship, or she'll be gone anyway. So think if she's worth it and then decide what to do. Don't forget about her on Christmas. Don't be resentful. GL

[foreverM]

As a woman, I can think of a few things. First, I guess the message here is: I won't be travelling to you for the time being, as I need to think it over a little bit. I might be cold with you, so you know why.

 

But that doesn't mean your behavior should change. She didn't break up with you. As I see it, if she had broken up with you, you might want to leave her alone. But now? Are you sure? She's conflicted about you and you let her be? It's true, women are all different, but in some cases they are very alike... This is why I guess this is the time you need to show her most what she means to you. Without being intrusive, let her know you think of her, without asking for anything in return. Think of something nice to do for her. If you're not travelling there to see her, buy her something that you know would be meaningful to her. This is my advice. If you give up, it's a sign she was right to think you're stuck as a couple and your love was mild and not strong enough.

 

That said, you need to upgrade the relationship, or she'll be gone anyway. So think if she's worth it and then decide what to do. Don't forget about her on Christmas. Don't be resentful. GL

 

This is probably the best answer on this thread. I hope you dont mind that I take your advice as well.

 

Im going thru something similar and I hope this turns around for you.

[salparadise]

As a woman, I can think of a few things. First, I guess the message here is: I won't be travelling to you for the time being, as I need to think it over a little bit. I might be cold with you, so you know why.

 

But that doesn't mean your behavior should change. She didn't break up with you. As I see it, if she had broken up with you, you might want to leave her alone. But now? Are you sure? She's conflicted about you and you let her be? It's true, women are all different, but in some cases they are very alike... This is why I guess this is the time you need to show her most what she means to you. Without being intrusive, let her know you think of her, without asking for anything in return. Think of something nice to do for her. If you're not travelling there to see her, buy her something that you know would be meaningful to her. This is my advice. If you give up, it's a sign she was right to think you're stuck as a couple and your love was mild and not strong enough.

 

That said, you need to upgrade the relationship, or she'll be gone anyway. So think if she's worth it and then decide what to do. Don't forget about her on Christmas. Don't be resentful. GL

 

This is probably the best answer on this thread. I hope you dont mind that I take your advice as well.

 

Im going thru something similar and I hope this turns around for you.

 

Thank you justwhoiam. I took your advice and sent her a dozen red roses. She received them last night and texted a brief thank you note. Said it was very sweet, which is not exactly encouraging.

 

Just to clarify, she didn't just say she wasn't traveling to see me... it was my turn to go see her and she didn't want me to come, or to engage in our usual daily communication, while she tries to figure things out. We have texted a few times but nothing substantive, she just asked how I was doing (regarding the school shooting––I live in the town where the Virginia Tech shooting occurred a few years ago.)

 

I am still a miserable mess and just can't seem to focus on anything else. I can't really do anything to influence her, can't move on, can't reconcile what's going on with the meaning I have felt in this relationship. I've been through a lot emotionally in the past few years (divorce) and loving and being loved by her brought me up from a very low place and has sustained me. Now the one person in this world who really "gets me" has said, hey I'm cutting off communication through Christmas because I'm thinking about dumping you. So I can only imagine that during this time she is divesting herself of the connection we've shared and devaluing me and the relationship. The feeling that I am now viewed as a burden rather than a joy, and going from being appreciated intensely to persona non grata with a person I so adore is excruciating. It's been over a week now.

[foreverM]

You can only try and do so much. You cant force her to love you and you cant try and figure out why she is doing what she is doing. It hurts like hell believe me I know. Especially when things are said, the feeling and goals are the same, etc. You will go crazy and get depressed even more. Try to keep your mind occupied on something else, keep moving forward with your life as best as you can.

 

L

[salparadise]

You can only try and do so much. You cant force her to love you and you cant try and figure out why she is doing what she is doing. It hurts like hell believe me I know. Especially when things are said, the feeling and goals are the same, etc. You will go crazy and get depressed even more. Try to keep your mind occupied on something else, keep moving forward with your life as best as you can.

 

Thanks for the kind words, foreverM. I understand. It's just that the doing is so much harder than the knowing. We're going to talk tonight and I'll probably get a better feel for the way things are leaning.

 

I read your thread and hope things go your way, and that you're doing ok in the meantime too.

[AngrySpider]

Umirano said it best with this quote,

 

"...it depresses me to see that women at this age still pull off stunts like this."

 

At your SO's age,she should know what she wants.Or,maybe I should rephrase it and say that she should be able to settle down by now.Guess it just reinforces what I believe about age.That it's nothing but a number and what really matters most is maturity.

 

I don't believe that there should be breaks in a relationship neither.It's not like a full-time job where people need those periods of time to rest or eat.If one needs a day or two for whatever reason (i.e,cooling down from an argument,brief time to recompose themselves,etc.,etc.),that's one thing.If one wants a break for an indefinite span,it's questionable why.

 

My question is what does she need to figure out? It sounds like you are good to her.The decision to carry on with you should be easy for her at that point.Why play games or string you along? It honestly irks me when women or men-regardless of their age-pull these kind of stunts to partners who are decent to them.Trust me,I know what you're feeling.I'm not coming off a divorce but have been through much in the last few years whereby my girlfriend elevated me from being in a low place.You begin to feel alive again,you laugh and smile more,and life is all the richer because of the love you found.But when that person begins to talk about needing a break,etc. (WHAM!),you begin to feel like you're going back to that low place.It sucks,I know.

 

I hope that she comes to her senses..

[justwhoiam]

For whatever reason, she's questioning the relationship and wanting out. Don't keep contacting her to ask for explanations... most likely, it will turn against you. This is a very bad situation, as whatever you are going to do may be perceived as the wrong thing. I feel you're walking on eggshells. And it's one of the things men fear the most. I personally don't appreciate flowers much, and I guess she was nice to let you know she thought what you did was sweet, but let me tell you, a bit "predictable". You don't know which way to turn or you did something wrong, you give her flowers hoping she will get over it. That's what women think of... and it can't work like that. But she knows you did it out of love, so it didn't turn against you at least.

 

I guess you still have a few chances.

[salparadise]

She loves flowers, and red roses in particular. I already knew that so it was pretty safe even if predictable. She's not the kind of person who would be irritated by a sincere gesture. We talked tonight for an hour and a half and it was good. We laughed and cried and talked about things other than the crisis at hand. She's going through a time of introspection and I am sensitive to her need for space, however, I think it was confirmed as you suggested previously that I need to keep the connection alive and keep the communication going at a reduced level. She will also be receiving some things for her kitchen that I know she needs. And yes, I know that those are not very intimate gifts but she and I have a thing about food and cooking. I will have something else the next time we see each other. Yes, I am optimistic now that we will see each other again.

[foreverM]

Thanks for the kind words, foreverM. I understand. It's just that the doing is so much harder than the knowing. We're going to talk tonight and I'll probably get a better feel for the way things are leaning.

 

I read your thread and hope things go your way, and that you're doing ok in the meantime too.

 

Thanks for reading and thanks for the hope my friend. I in turn hope things go your way as well. Stay strong , confident and positive. Hope you had a good night.

[salparadise]

I'm now thinking it's time for ME to throw in the towel on this relationship. After nearly two weeks of this limbo crap she's still insisting she needs more time, but I can feel her growing cold and distant. She's using the time to detach and perhaps even enjoying the power and ability to keep me wrapped up in a knot. This is the third time she has brought the relationship to the precipice without good reason (my perspective of course), each time with her being the unilateral initiator of an episode that puts me in a powerless position of trying to save the relationship. It's feeling like this is a need she has, that she gets some kind of validation through this, and that enduring stability is not part of her relationship vocabulary. On one hand I really hate to let her go, but on the other, the relationship that I have been so committed to and invested in is already gone. It would take nothing short of a miracle to get us back to where we were in terms of trust and openness, and then more episodes seem almost inevitable. It seems that if she valued this relationship she would have figured it out by now. I don't foresee a positive outcome anymore and I'm not happy about what is now feeling like a form of emotional abuse.

Edited December 20, 2012 by salparadise

[foreverM]

So sorry for what you are feeling and going thru J. It seems like what you are saying is enough reason to break away. Stay strong and firm and do what you must.

 

L

[umirano]

Her not being able to make up her mind over the course of two weeks says a lot. You may want to free yourself of this uncertainty as at some point the pain of not being with her is less than the pain you suffer from her lack of commitment.

 

 

All the best

Edited December 20, 2012 by umirano

[salparadise]

Well, it's over. We had the talk last night. I had prepared myself in advance by doing some reading on mindful loving and the ending of a relationship. We only had tender things to say, we both cried and affirmed that what we've shared was indeed special. There was never a harsh word spoken, trust and integrity was never violated in spirit or deed. She is a beautiful woman and a beautiful soul. I was lucky to have experienced the joy of loving and being loved by such a wonderful person for a year and a half, and I can only pray that such pure and honest love visits me again in this lifetime as I process the grief of such a loss. I'd like to thank everyone here for your words of encouragement and support.

[umirano]

salparadise, I'm sorry for you. But I think you have reason to be at peace with yourself. It had to end, and when it did, you did it the best way possible. Your case is an example to all the couples who have to end it. And precisely the way you think about the relationship and her is how you should feel about it, if you didn't feel this way, it ended too late.

 

My previous RS lasted 4 years, with about 8 months of long distance. But like you, both her and I agreed that it was a good, fulfilling and and rewarding RS and we are still friends.

 

All the best to you!

[salparadise]

Thanks umirano, I think you got that right. Although the timing was awful it needed to happen and it's probably for the best. And it's certainly a wonderful thing that we maintained the integrity all the way through.

 

Even the small amount of perspective I've gained over the past few weeks helps me to realize that one of her features is a certain instability or confusion within, and that translates to a dichotomy between assurances made and what ends up actually being the case. In other words, she needs some drama and she looks to the person closest to her to satisfy that need. She doesn't see it that way and wouldn't admit it of course. I just need things to be stable and consistent day to day, month to month and and when assurances are given on significant things I don't want to have to worry about it again. She told me once, "the first time you walked into my house you knew you weren't in Kansas anymore." She was right about that! And Oz was a wonderful place to visit for awhile.