never been in LDR...what to expect?

[katleigh]

So my current boyfriend and I dated online for a few months we knew each other as kids and reconnected as adults with a lot in common. We've been in a relationship now for almost a year and he's leaving in a few weeks to back to uni for about 7 months. We love each other but I have NEVER even been a fan of the idea of an LDR. He's done it several times in the past....I on the other have never even attempted. To give you a better idea of how bad I think I may be at this..... I have platonic close friends and loved siblings that now live in other countries...when they leave I almost never miss them and rarely contact them even when I'm thinking of them. I just instantly feel unconnected....don't know why.

 

I want to give this a real try because I love my guy but I have my doubts that he will be able to keep me interested at a distance. What do other people do to keep LDR's interesting or make it feel worthwhile? Am I over thinking this...should I just go with the flow and end up breaking up with him while he's gone and feeling like a real wench?....

 

My real doubts about the relationship (distance or no distance) are the following: for a long term relationship (marriage) I need more than love alone, financial and spiritual stability are still in the air. We're both supposed to be working toward the same goals, but i often feel like I have to remind him of why those things are important. Sometimes I feel like the whole relationship is a bad idea until those things are sorted out...you know, to really see what we're made of as separate individuals. If that makes sense.... but I don't want to throw away the loving relationship we have been able to forge this past year.

 

Btw he's 100% on board that this will work and that I am what he wants I want him too but there is work to be done and he seems to think nothing is a big deal and that the distance should not greatly affect us...when I start to express my (I guess 'negative') feelings he gets sad irritated generally bent out of shape. I just want to be honest with him and perhaps this will help him know that extra effort will be needed ....he amazingly doesn't seem to think so and that we'll just talk like normal and float through the next 7 months.

 

So here are the issues I need addressed in addition to the others above...

 

Should I be in this relationship right now when we only have 1 out of the 3things I know I need?

 

Is love and good intentions enough to sustain a healthy long distance relationship?

Edited December 14, 2012 by katleigh
forgot to mention something

[Carenth]

I'm going to take a stab and guess you are both quite young. late teens or early twenties.

 

I won't sugar coat it for you LDR's are a lot of work, they require both parties to be on the same page and constant communication to work they also require patience and maturity. For a lot of people they are deal breakers for the other obvious reason, your partner is not physically there. These are things you have to considered and you are in no way a bad person if you decide it is not for you.

 

You can't really just go into a LDR with no sort of plan, you need to set basic rules and ground work for what you both expect from the relationship. Goals and some sort of plan for how long you will be apart how you will cope etc.

 

From the sounds of it your BF is not really hearing what you are trying to tell him which is not a good sign. The fact he is getting irritated by you simply trying to express how you feel is somewhat worrisome.

 

As for your concerns about financial and spiritual stability? (religious? sorry trying to get what you mean by that)

 

For the financial side if you are both young well it's going to be a given you are both trying to make your mark on the world this will take time. Unless he has no plan or motivation for his future then that could be a bit of a concern.

 

You will have to elaborate more on why you are concerned by his financial situation before I can really comment, I'm just making general statements here because you haven't given much to work with.

 

For spiritual stability you are going to have to clarify what you mean by that before I can comment on it.

 

You are not a bad person if you decide a LDR will not work for you.

 

I hope this helps.

[Cali408]

They don't work. You need to spend time with one another and build up a trust. LDR's are nothing but an exercise in insecurity. When you don't see someone, communication is very tricky.

[Carenth]

They don't work. You need to spend time with one another and build up a trust. LDR's are nothing but an exercise in insecurity. When you don't see someone, communication is very tricky.

 

That is a rather broad brush statement to make. I understand they are deal breakers for a lot of people. But they don't work ever? really? If you are going to make a statement like that at least back it up.

[umirano]

They don't work.

Garbage. They work, I know this from personal experience, hell even my own parents were long distance for more than a year and they're still together.

 

You need to spend time with one another and build up a trust.

 

and

 

When you don't see someone, communication is very tricky.

 

yes, I agree with this.

[TheZebra]

I did long distance for 3 years. The relationship did end, but not because of the distance.

 

Recommendations? Make sure you're on the same page about communication. You both have to agree on how often you'll talk, for how long, etc. If you don't, there will be arguments.

 

Find things that you too can do together despite the distance. For us, we used to play scrabble online against each other on weekends. It was something different than talking that had us both looking forward to the weekends.

 

Also, find plenty of things to do and keep your mind occupied. You don't want to be thinking about them day and night. Just have fun with your friends and your hobbies and time will fly by.

[katleigh]

I'm going to take a stab and guess you are both quite young. late teens or early twenties.

 

I won't sugar coat it for you LDR's are a lot of work, they require both parties to be on the same page and constant communication to work they also require patience and maturity. For a lot of people they are deal breakers for the other obvious reason, your partner is not physically there. These are things you have to considered and you are in no way a bad person if you decide it is not for you.

 

You can't really just go into a LDR with no sort of plan, you need to set basic rules and ground work for what you both expect from the relationship. Goals and some sort of plan for how long you will be apart how you will cope etc.

 

From the sounds of it your BF is not really hearing what you are trying to tell him which is not a good sign. The fact he is getting irritated by you simply trying to express how you feel is somewhat worrisome.

 

As for your concerns about financial and spiritual stability? (religious? sorry trying to get what you mean by that)

 

For the financial side if you are both young well it's going to be a given you are both trying to make your mark on the world this will take time. Unless he has no plan or motivation for his future then that could be a bit of a concern.

 

You will have to elaborate more on why you are concerned by his financial situation before I can really comment, I'm just making general statements here because you haven't given much to work with.

 

For spiritual stability you are going to have to clarify what you mean by that before I can comment on it.

 

You are not a bad person if you decide a LDR will not work for you.

r

I hope this helps.

 

I'm 24 done with college and I manage a men's clothing store also have a side business of makeup artistry and event styling. He's 27 on his second degree for which he has approximately one semester left. No job....he took a break from college so that he could heal his knee ( effed it up doing martial arts).

 

He has no definite plan for what he is going to do once he finishes the upcoming semester he intends to get a job doing something related to one of the 2 degrees... I am concerened about our future financial situation because while he was here and had healed enough to work or seek work if he wanted to he just didn't.... he was just content sitting in his bedrrom for a year gaming and doing a little therapy here and there...and seemed to have no "fire" or drive to be constructive while on break. I think that unless one is independently wealthy said person should be seeking income.... that was a flag for me because I felt like that would be a telling sign as to what he might be like in thw future. Lazy? I come from a fairly well off background of hard working people that no job and content behaviour just absolutely bewildered me and has me concerened.

 

The spiritual bit...um, I think im gonna le:e the details of that out of this.

 

...I totally agree that we should set out clearly what our expectations are especially for one like me I need to know what is coming next. And I am being made to feel like my worries are ridiculous or negative. I plainly told him that I feel prone to losing interest as a result of long distance that statement makes him feel terrible.. ugh, I just don't know what to do or how to handle this it may work out as well as i may nit but I im just hoping to get other points of view to find out whether or not my doubts concerns or approach are all wrong

[katleigh]

We play tons of games togehtwr for fun league of legends, pictionary, mafia, puzzle games....we stream movies to each other some nights.... this happens when we can't be together and its how we initially got close. hopefully he will still have time for that once he starts school again.

 

I must emphasize we are great together we have loads of laughs sincere love and warmth. That's not something you find everyday in another person so I want to be fair to our love and give it my best try. But I must admit my logic has the tendency to override and is screaming that we already know the outcome of all this...somewhat wanting to sign off emotionally the moment that plane is airborne...but I'm fighting that because emotions have a place in the world and I feel a great deal for him.

[TMichaels]

I think whether your relationship will survive LD is the least of your problems, katleigh.

 

While the two of you have grown close in recent months and you have feelings for this guy, I don't think you're on the same page at all about "the important issues" and from the sounds of it, it's not likely your b/f will turn over a new leaf regarding any of them anytime soon.

 

I think you need to take the LD issue totally out of the equation and ask yourself if you are willing to invest any more time in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your same values when it comes to finances and spiritual issues -- two big sources of conflict when partners have opposite views.

 

I know I'm going on out on a limb here, but I'm guessing part of the reason your b/f pursued another degree was so he could prolong the time before he'd have to deal with getting out there in the real world -- i.e., get a job, take on responsibilities and be responsible. The fact he's almost done with his second degree and has no concrete plans at the very least implies he lacks motivation and/or he's very naive or immature.

 

I'm also not surprised he's 100% sure there will be no issues if the two of you have to do LD for seven months. I doubt he worries much about anything. Planning or being proactive doesn't seem to be his strong suits.

 

But TBH, why does he need to be with you as his partner?

 

You're educated, organized, dedicated and driven. You've had good family role models. You have a vision of what you want out of life and you'll work hard to get it. IOW, you'll do what it takes and as long as he's with you all he has to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

 

In his view, that scenario validates his view of: "See I was right; there was nothing to worry about. It all turned out just fine."

 

But will it? Will you really be happy in the long-run with someone whose views about the life are so unlike your own? I think that's the real question you need to ask yourself and stop worrying about it's the distance that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

'Cause you know what? If this guy really *was* the right one for you there would be *no question* in YOUR mind that the two of you would be able to "go the distance."

 

Listen to your gut - it's rarely wrong. This guy isn't Mr. Right -- at least not for you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[umirano]

I agree with you. Him sitting on his ass for a year bc of a healing knee isn't a very comforting sign. If one can play games, one can study too, right? I wouldn't make any long term commitments until he proves to you that he get's things done.

 

And yes, the distance will become a problem if you just share the gaming / watching videos and physical attraction. If there's no platonic connection and no long term shared "life project", why stay in the LDR?

[justwhoiam]

What do other people do to keep LDR's interesting or make it feel worthwhile?

You need to love him very much to do it and I sense you don't. If you think you do, you can skip my comment.

 

should I just go with the flow and end up breaking up with him while he's gone and feeling like a real wench?....

What flow? Did you get to where you got to because you went with the flow?

 

for a long term relationship (marriage) I need more than love alone, financial and spiritual stability

 

I have to remind him of why those things are important. Sometimes I feel like the whole relationship is a bad idea until those things are sorted out...you know, to really see what we're made of as separate individuals.

You are questioning how much he's worth it, you put value on money and status. You need to see what he will become. Heaven's forbid you might end up supporting him with your money. Ideally, he should make more than you do (whether you admit it or not). And have a decent job that won't get you embarassed when you need to tell around when asked. All that is important to you but may not be important to him. Your worries about finances bother your a lot and it's evident in several points of each of your posts. You want to see where he gets in life, and you can't know it now. Maybe you need to find someone in his mid 35s for that.

What kind of degree did he get? What's he studying for now? What kind of jobs would be attractive to you? What jobs would be attractive to him? See any incompatibility?

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what kind of surgery he had, but someone very near me had knee surgery and was off work for 6 months. Therapy was really hard to the point he would cry. So don't even underestimate that. He got back to work, but should have stayed at home more (at least another couple of months). The knee regained elasticity, but not completely (that leg is less flexible than the other and will remain so).

 

One last thing. This is my advice. Don't measure other people's value by your own standards, that is comparing them to you and your achievements. Though I get you're not the kind who would like to be with a street artist.

 

GL