Her Control-Freak Parents Are Out of Control!!!

[Boogie]

My fiancée and I met in May, 2002, and as our relationship grew, we naturally met one another’s parents, and while her mom and I enjoy a good relationship, her father treats me like he does everyone else – he doesn’t make eye contact, rarely shakes my hand or acknowledges me. I got over his behavior quickly, because my fiancée explained that he has some serious issues and I came to realize this is normal for him, not just in connection with her former boyfriends, etc.

 

Subsequently, as she and I grew closer, it became increasingly apparent that her parents are very traditional and are extremely controlling (coupled with both of them not working) and try to dictate everything in both of their daughters’ lives. Both their daughters are intelligent, driven, motivated young women, yet each has gone through classic signs of parental over-control: eating disorders, addictive personalities, and confidence/drive tinged with unreasonable insecurity. Where my fiancee (the older daughter) has largely remained close-ish to her parents, her sister has moved away from them (recently from NYC to Maryland) and basically doesn't hide the fact she wants little or nothing to do with them.

 

When my fiancee's parents eventually sat me down and “interviewed” me (more like interrogated me) I politely deflected some of their questions relating to money and debt, because I felt (without saying in so many words) that it was none of their business. I have little debt (less than $5,000) and have been completely honest with my fiancée about same, but don’t feel it’s any of their business. In addition, they criticized my career (I work with my father and sister) – instead of seeing that as job security and the future (one day my sister and I will inherit the business), they saw this as a negative (ie a small company versus a large corporation). When I proposed and she accepted, her parents (her mother, at least) was very supportive and excited. That’s when the fun started.

 

Her parents (either out of ignorance or in an attempt to destroy the relationship) let my parents know, in front of us, that they hoped my parents would contribute financially to the wedding. Eventually, my parents let them know they would like to pay for the flowers and would make the rehearsal dinner and would give my fiancee and I a big gift ($$$) to pay for the honeymoon and to have a good chunk with which to start our life together. Instead of appreciation, their offer was met with a scoff and a complete lack of appreciation. Thereafter, all planning by her parents has been laced with dollar amounts for everything from the amount per person to music to flowers to the photographers. The sole time I went with my fiancée and her parents to look at some places for the wedding, it became so acrimonious her father and mother were screaming at each other (not an unusual occurrence, incidentally) in the car and the father got out and walked a mile down the road. Thankfully, we haven’t been out to look at places since.

 

At this point, her father alternates between offering to spend $20,000 on our wedding (with the caveat of only allowing my family four guests, including my sister, my parents and I), and telling her he won’t spend anything at all and won’t walk her down the aisle. The problem (if there is only one) is this: she is so tied into her parents’ methods of control, she continues to go back for more. She has told them on occasion that if they don’t want to pay for the wedding that the two of us would go away and get married privately, which (at this point) would be acceptable; but one way or another, they manage to rope her back into this back-and-forth and it’s making her, and me, miserable. In short, is there anything I can or should do short of asking her for my ring and wishing her lots of luck in the future? I care for her and don’t want to lose her, but each time she asks me if I’ll be okay with getting married privately (ie on a cruise), I let her know that the wedding isn’t the problem: eventually we’ll come back and her parents will spend their lives making us miserable and/or trying to drive a wedge between us.

[DazednConfused]

I don't know if her parents will respond to this, but stiffen up your backbone and sit them down and hash it out.

 

My wife's father was much the same way, right down to complaining on visits that we left the porch light on and were wasting electricity. The third time he started this conversation, I told him that it was my electric bill, that I pay it, and that he had absolutely no business telling me how to run my household. He hated me for a couple of months, but now he respects me and my wife, and we get along fine. Our household is the only one of all her siblings that doesn't go into a quivering mess whenever he is coming to visit.

 

Make sure you and your fiance agree on your course of action if you decide to do this. One thing to remember is that if you allow them to pay for the wedding, tradition or no, they will hang that expense over your head for as long as they can get away with it. "You owe me for paying for the wedding, so you should follow all my opinions and wishes"

 

Get it straight with them that you are all grownups and deserve respect. I would buy a cruise, get married and tell 'em to go pi** up a rope.

 

Good Luck!

[wideawake]

Originally posted by Boogie

I let her know that the wedding isn’t the problem: eventually we’ll come back and her parents will spend their lives making us miserable and/or trying to drive a wedge between us.

 

 

Bingo!

 

Wow bro, I'm impressed with how straight you have you have your head on. I agree 110% with your assesment of the situation as I've lived it myself.

 

Her my perspective:

 

You're f***ed.

 

Her parents are not going to change, they just never do, so....

 

If you go along with them, and try to make them happy it will never work and they'll eventually drive that wedge deep enough to break you guys up.

 

If you lay down the law, their whole frame of reality will be hard hit and they'll react in a very negative maner.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure there is a heck of a lot YOU can do about this. If your girl decides she wants to live her own life and starts managing her parents to keep them off your jock, than you've got a shot. But if your girl continues to let them run rough-shot all over you, than it's going to eventually crash and burn.

 

Your chick needs to step up to the plate and manage her parents.

[Boogie]

Thanks to you both for the speedy replies...

 

DazednConfused:

 

I agree with stiffening up the backbone -- on the day we went for our "joyride from hell" to look for wedding sites, her father was talking to her mom about money and the wedding and about how they didn't know what my parents were going to contribute -- obviously a big sore spot -- and then started in on me, this after I'd spent a week or so hearing the same bullsh*t from her mother. So I told him "If you want to bitch, bitch at my parents, not at me." Shut him up pretty quickly, but three weeks later he's still nagging my fiancee about it.

 

After that, when I told my fiancee (privately) we should go home and do the search another (happier) day, she was crying and while we were talking her father intruded (again) and when I asked him to give us a moment of privacy, his response was "That's my daughter" -- as in, sorry, no can do, no privacy for you... I have no problem letting them know they should mind their own business, but they don't get it. A few days after I'd given her the ring, both her parents started harassing her about giving them a copy of the appraisal so they could fax it to the insurance company. My immediate reaction -- why should they be involved at all? They didn't pay for it and they should mind their f*cking business. So they called -- FOUR TIMES -- in one night, back and forth, where I had to deal with the both of them, and then my fiancee had to deal with the both of them. Amazing. And her father's brilliant response when I told him we would handle it? "Are you going to pay for insuring it?" My response: "It's your daughter's policy, so I assume she and I will pay for it." Him: "It's my insurance company." Me: "And it's her policy, so I'm not sure what relevance there is in that it's your insurance company."

 

They're way over-involved, as I hoped I indicated above.

 

wideawake:

 

I'm much more in tune with reality now that I've had time to reflect; but I've been tempted many times to let them know what I think. I've held my tongue because they rarely go off on me directly: they go for the weak link, ie their daughter. The problem is that no matter how many times she tells them she's made her decision, etc., they keep coming back at her. And while she identifies her father as the problem, her mother is just as bad, if not more so, sort of like "good cop, bad cop." They're both sh*tty parents and it's really pathetic what they've done to both their daughters. And while she has taken the brunt of it and told them to leave her alone (she has defended me whenever either of them attack or harass me), I don't think she completely understands that she's going to have to make some sort of temporary, if possible, break from them. She's stopped taking their calls for the most part, and a week or so ago she had been out and didn't call them back, so the father got in his car and drove over to her apartment. LOL... As I said above, pathetic.

 

The short and long is I know enough not to let them keep quizzing me or harassing me, ie I'll be much more quick to say "I'm not answering that" or "I appreciate your concern, but we can handle it, thanks" -- but I really think they'll continue to do a number on her, regardless of how much pain they inflict on her, because they care too much and don't realize that their caring is so over the top it's bad.

 

Thanks again for the quick replies...I'm sure this will be a work in progress