katleigh Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 About 6 months in to our very loving committed relationship my bf and I were spending the week together at my place. One evening I decided to wash my hair and do all sorts of things to it that take time.... he fell asleep. I'm almost done and about to join him in bed and then I pick up his phone to check to the time. he gave me the security code a long time ago so I have full access... I have never before this moment inspected his phone... when I enter it I still had no intentions of poking around but to get to the home screen I had to keep going back through his last few activities. I come across his text msgs...then the snooping began. The last msg was to my best friend he was texting her for me. I scroll around to a conversation he had with an old friend of his that lives far away. I was always curious of how they talk to each other so I couldn't resist... I come across jokes made by his dad that she is his future daughter in law. This struck a nerve for me. She also sent him a bday gift of an expensive watch that he told me was just a regular gift. And then here is the clincher she sends him pictures of herself in bras asking his opinion on whether or not they're cute and photos of her panty drawer.... the convo wasn't nasty but come on she sent you half naked pics and you ask for more. You have mentioned to me loads of other conversations you guys have had but never this. Or the other borderline stuff....should i have let this slide. I woke his ass up and gently showed him what I saw... he says its nothing that's just how they are....do you think there is more and that I'm being played? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Is this the LDR guy you've been with for a year and known each other as kids....? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katleigh Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 Yea same guy.... I was really hurt by this but we stayed together. It still bothers me sometimes because in my gutt I felt lied to. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 You've known him all this time, been with him in an LDR - and you still sneak around his back, snooping his stuff and don't trust him? I figure you both have a problem. Him with openness, and you - with security and trust issues. Was he mad at you for snooping? Hardly the stuff of happy ever after, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katleigh Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 We haven't embarked on the ldr yet. And this phone snooping happened 6 months ago... we have allegedly moved past it and I don't bring it up or treat him suspiciously just thought I'd get a second opinion of what happened and whether or not others would have considered it cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katleigh Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 And yes he was upset about the snooping but that didn't hood much weight considering there is a half naked chick sending you pictures 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 So in a nutshell - you HAVEN'T moved past it. Has anything happened since to make you believe he's a potential cheater? Has he been more open, more secretive... what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katleigh Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 Nothing else has happened he said he would stop talking to her forever to make me more comfortable.... that in itself made me uncomfortable I don't want him feeling like I have some psycho leash on him. But the girl has never resurfaced via his cellphone to my knowledge... and yeah he has tried to be more open. But do you think the initial behavior of bra photos etc. Should count as cheating or reason for suspicion? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 I think your problem is bigger than his. I think he thinks this is really no big deal. Your issue of suspicion and mistrust points to an issue of self-esteem. The fact that you have allegedly moved past it - but quite clearly , YOU haven't, would ring more alarm bells in my mind, if I were you, than his indiscretion. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 What in the world?! I am seeing red flags flying! Your best friend, sending your boyfriend pics of herself in bra and panties! Duh!? Why?! Also sends him an expensive birthday gift! I wouldn't have to ask anyone if that seems inappropriate! IF IT WASN'T INAPPROPRIATE THEN WHY'D YOU HAVE TO SNOOP TO FIND IT OUT?! Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 It wasn't her best friend, but an old friend of his. I don't see red flags. He didn't delete it knowing full well she has access to his phone and apparently, he didn't reciprocate. If these were more than R-rated and/or he sent something similar back, then it might be time for a talk. But this is hardly cheating. My wife's ex did the same thing. R-rated stuff to her. I don't hold her responsible for anything he sends (unless it would've been ongoing, inappropriate and she didn't stop it or encouraged it). It didn't bother me at all. I was pretty sure he was just feeling her out trying to escalate the pics to X-rated, but she made it clear with her lack of response that she wasn't interested. Sounds like this situation is similar. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 It wasn't her best friend, but an old friend of his. I don't see red flags. He didn't delete it knowing full well she has access to his phone and apparently, he didn't reciprocate. If these were more than R-rated and/or he sent something similar back, then it might be time for a talk. But this is hardly cheating. My wife's ex did the same thing. R-rated stuff to her. I don't hold her responsible for anything he sends (unless it would've been ongoing, inappropriate and she didn't stop it or encouraged it). It didn't bother me at all. I was pretty sure he was just feeling her out trying to escalate the pics to X-rated, but she made it clear with her lack of response that she wasn't interested. Sounds like this situation is similar. Yes MM222, I see your point and you're right. I see my mistake in reading her post, mistaking that she see's the last mssg was to her best friend for her and then goes onto the old friend. My apologies for the misunderstanding there. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Sorry I got to say something here, if this isn't a red flag I don't know what a red flag is. Hey, I would love to have a conversation with a girl who is an old friend and go bra shopping with her over the phone ("hmmm, can you try the RED one on again?") but I wouldn't. The guy is in a committed relationship, it is implied that he doesn't get involved in stuff like this anymore. The girl knows very well what she is doing too. No self respecting girl would ask a GUY for advice on trying on bras unless she honestly wanted him to hit on her, or at least see what he's misisng. A single guy does this, a guy who is off limits doesn't. Your boyfriend is bold, I'll give you that. I'm sorry but even as a guy I've got to say you need boundaries with that stuff. If she's an old friend then she doesn't prance around half naked in front of him. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katleigh Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 Clockwork my sentiments exactly! How can you seriously sit there and tell me you thought that a woman sending you bra photos would not make you look like a total sleeze god. So what's the verdict? Can we agree that this counts as terrible judgement landing him a 'cheat strike'????? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 Clockwork my sentiments exactly! How can you seriously sit there and tell me you thought that a woman sending you bra photos would not make you look like a total sleeze god. So what's the verdict? Can we agree that this counts as terrible judgement landing him a 'cheat strike'????? I don't know about others, but I don't allow for even one cheat strike! A guy I'm dating flirting with someone via half naked pictures on his phone does not get a strike, it's a deal breaker- end of story. If I'm in a relationship with someone and I have to explain to the guy why exchanging flirty texts with a half naked woman is wrong- I'm not with a guy I would trust, nor want to have a relationship with. I think if you ignore a red flag like this, you are doing a disservice to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 Easy one....played. And no, he wouldn't have stopped talking to her if that's what you wanted Guys say that crap all of the time...they either A) Stop doing it on the place where you caught them B) Stop doing it for a while then start backup again later on...of course with much more caution. You're a fool for not using this info to your advantage and seeing what he'd lie about...if he didn't know he would have lied to you, but now he'll just play dumb and hope you buy it, and now he knows where you got the information. How else could he have reacted? But don't worry...you'll find out in the futre. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 WTF is a "cheat strike"? Does that mean he gets to cheat 3x before you dump him? Umm hello a woman sending him photos of herself in underwear and he doesn't stop it...that's a dealbreaker...how do you feel knowing that he probably jacks off to those photos? Cmon. This whole thing is gross and inappropriate, don't listen to the dude whose all "lol what, a red flag? lol all exes send R rated things. its normal". he's delusional and clearly has no self respect...hopefully you do though. Link to post Share on other sites
mesmerized Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Im on the fence on this one. I have no doubt this girl is kind of attention whoring and that he is attracted to her. But it might not be very serious or end up in cheating. I have a couple of guy friends that I would send anything to when were both single since we are so close but I wouldn't do it if they are in a relationship. Even if I did, I don't think it would mean much for us. Link to post Share on other sites
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