Why not ask for an open marriage?

[Steadfast]

So of course such a sex-denying wife would never want an open marriage, because her entire purpose is to maintain control of the husband by blocking him from having sex.

 

Experience shows this to be true. And also what woggle added; there's a certain thrill to sneaking around. And, it's a lot more comforting fooling around with the security of home intact, the kids being cared for, etc.

 

The one element often overlooked is the punishment issue. 'Fairness' is not an element when that demographic is in place. Love is non-existent.

 

Nearly five-years out, my ex's position is our marriage was over when I began dating other women. This, despite her telling me she wasn't attracted, affairs before and after our divorce, etc. In fact, she now claims it was all a part of some 'master plan' I cooked up to be single again. She will be right and she will be justified. That's just how it is. So be it.

[ComingInHot]

Question, do people in Open marriages use condoms? Either for one or both partners?

Or is it just assumed or understood that it's okay to swap bodily fluids?

Sincere question here. I just don't know...

[darkmoon]

how many side peices are actually up for this crap? i tell MMs to come back when/if they're divorced, to me anythng else is crap, why should any woman want to be a side piece? sell me the idea...tell me here why i should be your date just because your wife said it's ok

[Realist3]

Question, do people in Open marriages use condoms? Either for one or both partners?

Or is it just assumed or understood that it's okay to swap bodily fluids?

Sincere question here. I just don't know...

 

Have never used a condom. Just make sure we are not at risk of pregnancy. STD's are of no concern.

[ComingInHot]

Realist;

EEeeewwwwwww!!

[beenburned]

FS,

 

I'm glad you asked this question!

 

I also asked the same question of my H after d-day.

 

He has always known my strong feelings about monogamy, so he felt it was a dealbreaker to ask me to have an open marriage. I'm sure if he had I would have felt the marriage was already over, so I would have filed for divorce.

 

Our children were very young then, and if I had left him I would have moved back to my hometown where all my relatives live.(300 miles away) I'm sure all of this went through his mind when deciding to cheat.

 

You know someone else mentioned above that their spouse was the jealous type. My H is too!(also possessive) With the knowledge I have now with much hindsight, the best way I could have gotten back at him was to have agreed to have an open marriage. The thought of me having sex with other men would have driven him bat sh** crazy!!!

[Realist3]

Realist;

EEeeewwwwwww!!

 

What do you mean "EEeeeeewwwww"?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

My wife even told me that if I wanted sex, then I would need to get it elsewhere. I know that if I did, then her response would not have been "fine" after it was over.

 

Why must we always ask "Why did you cheat" and put the onus on the one who felt the lack of something than to put the responsibility on the one who helped create a marriage that was lacking what the WS needed?

 

What I think we also need to focus on is putting more responsibility on the one who let the marriage fall into such a disarray that this question needs to even be asked.

 

Affairs are often a symptom not the actual problem.

 

Following your logic, and playing devil's advocate, would it be fair to ask what you did or didn't do to make your wife lose her sexual desire for you? So, first you make her lose her sexual desire for you, then you go out and cheat on her?

 

This type of argument can be used on both sides.

 

Problems are best attacked head on. Not by lying or cheating.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

If the BS finds out about the cheating, no choice has been taken away, as the BS is free to leave the relationship. Or stay in it--as many seem to have done. That choice is solely up to the BS.

The BS is free to leave the relationship if they don't want to stay with a cake-eater. Free choice.

 

Your "free choice" theory ignores the fact that it is a free choice only IF the spouse of the cheater actually knows and decides to stay. What do you say to someone whose spouse has cheated on them and lied by omission to them for years, only to find out one day that they have been living with someone who doesn't really love them, but has lied about loving them all these years? Is that free choice?

 

Or is it their own darn fault because they should have mistrusted their spouse more? Isn't this a kind of blame the victim mentality?

[Tainted love]

In the early days of our relationship, we set some boundaries. My SO is extremely jealous and possessive. I used to be surprised by the levels of his jealousy, especially as i loved him so very much and we had a great sex life. i wanted him to trust me, so we agreed that if either of us developed feelings for another, we would tell each other. We were both of the mindset that sometimes humans will look outside when problems arise. So, we agreed that we would work out whatever life threw at us, but we would never ever lie to each other. this was for him, more than me, to build his trust in me.

 

After I found out about his affair, i realised his lack of trust were obviously because he judged me by his own low standards.

 

I believe he felt a sense of entitlement - easier to lie to the little woman at home so the big man could go out and sleep with whoever he wanted, without upsetting the apple cart.

 

In this day and age, surely human beings can get better at honesty with each other? I would have worked through this if he'd been honest. Somehow. But his lies are my deal breaker, he never gave me the opportunity to make a choice based on the full facts and complete understanding.

 

Cheaters won't ask for an open marriage because they prefer lying, believe they are entitled to an affair and their fragile egos wouldn't be able to take their partners having the opportunity to find love/attention elsewhere.

[MissBee]

If one spouse is unhappy enough int he marriage to have an affair, then why not tell their spouse that they are not happy being monogamous with them and that they want an open marriage?

 

If lack of sex ( or some other issue) is the problem, or if one spouse simply isn't cut out to be monogamous, and they spouse cheats in order to get what they feel is lacking then why not be upfront and ask for an open marriage?

 

Perhaps it's because their spouse wouldn't agree to it ( i don't think i could have, if asked), it's a very difficult thing to ask, or there's something about the affair dynamic that provides something that an open marriage would not.

 

Does anyone else have an opinion on this?

 

 

Lots of people who are cheating believe in "Do as I say, not as I do". Many would be quite perturbed by their spouse cheating, but rationalize why they're doing it.

 

My dad, a serial cheater, would have a nervous breakdown if my mom did the same smh. I'm sure he'd divorce her. This is ridiculous, self-centered and even narcissistic.

 

Lots of men, certainly in the culture I'm from, hold this double standard. Many assume the marriage is open, but only on THEIR end. They want to have multiple women but if their wives/gfs do as they do, then they have no mercy and they lose their minds.

[MissBee]

This is an issue that people really should discuss up-front..... in the pre-marital discussions, you know.... alongside having kids, what religion (if any) to bring them up in, jobs vs. careers, where you're going to live, who decides on home décor, and who decides what car you have....

 

If a person believes they're in the mood or line for cheating - that needs to be said. Before the cheating occurs....

But an open marriage is something people know they'd be happy with - even before trying the knot.

If this subject comes up post-wedding - and hasn't been discussed before - then one part of the duo isn't going to be too happy....that's for sure...

 

 

I've always said that before I marry this is something we need to discuss. Having some type of "out clause" or something or having the room to renegotiate before irreparable damage is done.

[2sure]

When I was OW , I always eventually came to ask MM what they would think if their wife was cheating . It was a question against all of the rules, but one I always asked...usually after they came to the revelation that they didn't feel guilty so it must be right. All of them said it was impossible that his wife would even want someone else, that they would leave her, and kill OM.

 

I found this hilarious.

 

Anyway, my exH had every reason to think that I might consider an open relationship. That's not what he wanted.

 

They want to cheat. That's the point.

[Radagast]

If one spouse is unhappy enough int he marriage to have an affair, then why not tell their spouse that they are not happy being monogamous with them and that they want an open marriage?

 

If lack of sex ( or some other issue) is the problem, or if one spouse simply isn't cut out to be monogamous, and they spouse cheats in order to get what they feel is lacking then why not be upfront and ask for an open marriage?

 

Perhaps it's because their spouse wouldn't agree to it ( i don't think i could have, if asked), it's a very difficult thing to ask, or there's something about the affair dynamic that provides something that an open marriage would not.

 

Does anyone else have an opinion on this?

 

This question gets brought up a great deal on these forums.

 

My ex-wife had never wanted a monogamous marriage. She had not been monogamous in her previous marriage, and when her ex-husband threw her out she was adamant that she did not wish to remarry, as she did not want to limit her options and was not willing to put herself into a "cage" again. When the tax legislation changed years later it would have been financially crippling for us to remain together cohabiting, and so we decided reluctantly to marry, on the understanding that it was in name only and that our relationship would remain exactly as it was before. So for all intents and purposes we did have an agreement that it was an "open" marriage, even if neither of us had previously exercised that option (as far as I know. There have been many suggestions that she had had other lovers, but she has always denied this.)

 

I certainly wasn't seeking other lovers. I am not naturally polygamous, or polyamorous, and have always seen myself very much as a "one-woman-man" although I was prepared to accept that my ex-wife found the constraints of monogamy oppressive. I wasn't seeking an affair, and I wasn't seeking an "open marriage" (beyond that I thought we had such an agreement in place, since she had never revised her expectations to me, at least). What I did want was a fulfilling relationship, and I had hoped and tried desperately for decades to have that with my ex-wife. And then I was offered that with another woman, and it was too good to pass up.

 

So why not leave immediately? It really isn't that simple. I was brought up not to take obligations lightly. You don't, in my view, simply walk away from a commitment because of something that looks attractive at first glance, that might have the potential to develop into something deeper. You do your duty. And when despite that the feelings did grow, you think long and hard about the trauma the separation will inflict on your kids. I had only recently taken my ex-wife back after a previous separation precisely because of the trauma it inflicted on my kids, I knew how harrowing it had been for them. I needed to be really sure of what I was doing before I did that to them again. So yes, there was a while when the relationships did run in parallel. An "open marriage" would not have provided the situation I craved - I was transitioning from one relationship to another, I did not want both to continue indefinitely. I wanted to be sure my kids would be OK before I left the defunct marriage.

 

I don't see how an "open marriage" would have made that any more acceptable to my ex-wife either. Aside from the fact that we supposedly had such an agreement in place historically, anyway, it would only have created false expectations for her that I had no intention of leaving her, which would have been harder for her than telling her the truth.

[woinlove]

This thread may very well have been titled "Why not tell the truth instead of continue to lie?"

 

For those who advocate NOT asking for an open M, I guess the answer would be "Because I would rather lie. It benefits me personally to deceive someone who trusts me rather than be honest."

 

Exactly, or perhaps even "why not tell the truth instead of choosing to lie?" One can start with the truth, even before choosing deception, so that there is no deception to continue. Whether the marriage is good, bad or okay, I think communicating honestly and openly is good for the individual. It feels good to keep one's integrity and to treat others with respect.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Have never used a condom. Just make sure we are not at risk of pregnancy. STD's are of no concern.

 

Duck - Realist, What Coming probably meant by Ewwwww, is how can you say STD are no concern? You don't mind them? That is Ewwww to me! I can't imagine being ok with herpes much less AIDS. Yikes! And don't tell me you trust your AP or BS not to sleep with others. Laughable. Honor among thieves,,, right.

[Realist3]

Duck - Realist, What Coming probably meant by Ewwwww, is how can you say STD are no concern? You don't mind them? That is Ewwww to me! I can't imagine being ok with herpes much less AIDS. Yikes! And don't tell me you trust your AP or BS not to sleep with others. Laughable. Honor among thieves,,, right.

 

I know who my MOW sleeps with... me and her H. I know who my W sleeps with, me. Of course I would not want an STD, but that simply is not a concern in my situation. And no I do not have any doubts whatsoever about my MOW. After several years you tend to know.

[Furious]

I know who my MOW sleeps with... me and her H. I know who my W sleeps with, me. Of course I would not want an STD, but that simply is not a concern in my situation. And no I do not have any doubts whatsoever about my MOW. After several years you tend to know.

 

Your OW's husband cheats on her....he's a philanderer, and whomever he sleeps with is putting, his wife, your wife and YOU at risk for an STD.

[waterwoman]

Your OW's husband cheats on her....he's a philanderer, and whomever he sleeps with is putting, his wife, your wife and YOU at risk for an STD.

 

Ahh.... is that what is known as spreading the love?

[Realist3]

Your OW's husband cheats on her....he's a philanderer, and whomever he sleeps with is putting, his wife, your wife and YOU at risk for an STD.

 

 

Nearly three years and nothing.

[96nole]

Nearly three years and nothing.

 

I wonder how many years Magic Johnson was saying the same thing.

[nofool4u]

I know who my MOW sleeps with... me and her H. I know who my W sleeps with, me.

 

But you said your wife, after finding out you cheated, has agreed to your suggestion of having an open marriage.

 

So she is now free to sleep with other men. So its not going to be just you she sleeps with.

[Spark1111]

When I was OW , I always eventually came to ask MM what they would think if their wife was cheating . It was a question against all of the rules, but one I always asked...usually after they came to the revelation that they didn't feel guilty so it must be right. All of them said it was impossible that his wife would even want someone else, that they would leave her, and kill OM.

 

I found this hilarious.

 

Anyway, my exH had every reason to think that I might consider an open relationship. That's not what he wanted.

 

They want to cheat. That's the point.

 

Or, the bigger point is they could NEVER, EVER survive a dose of their own medicine.

 

That weak, needy ego that needs all that external validation from strangers would dissolve into a puddle if you did to them what they are doing to you.

 

NO WAY could they handle it. In fact, I believe they tend to choose those who couldn't fathom cheating.It gives them that strong and secure home base, which one part of them craves, while another part grows sel-entitled for outside ego stroking.

[Furious]

Nearly three years and nothing.

 

 

The past three years are no guarantee that tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year you may develop an STD.

 

If you want to place your faith and heath on your OW's philandering husband's actions, well all I can say is good luck to you.

[JamesM]

Let's change this slightly to say that if in a sexless marriage and the wife doesn't want sex, then why won't she let her husband get it elsewhere?

 

If she agrees to this, then why should SHE be allowed to get sex elsewhere when the whole problem is her not having sex with her husband as she vowed to do?

 

If she breaks her vow and no longer has sex with her husband, then shouldn't she agree to let him have it with someone else provided he doesn't get close emotionally?

 

And why should SHE be allowed to have sex elsewhere because if she had sex with her husband then he would not be asking for "an open marriage?"

 

See...the reason many (but not all) men would have a problem is that they only cheat because of the lack of sex in their marriage. So the husband is starved and he asks if he can get food elsewhere. She says yes, but after starving him goes ahead and feeds another man.

 

THAT is why many men would have a problem with their wife getting it elsewhere.