Spark1111 Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Let's change this slightly to say that if in a sexless marriage and the wife doesn't want sex, then why won't she let her husband get it elsewhere? If she agrees to this, then why should SHE be allowed to get sex elsewhere when the whole problem is her not having sex with her husband as she vowed to do? If she breaks her vow and no longer has sex with her husband, then shouldn't she agree to let him have it with someone else provided he doesn't get close emotionally? And why should SHE be allowed to have sex elsewhere because if she had sex with her husband then he would not be asking for "an open marriage?" See...the reason many (but not all) men would have a problem is that they only cheat because of the lack of sex in their marriage. So the husband is starved and he asks if he can get food elsewhere. She says yes, but after starving him goes ahead and feeds another man. THAT is why many men would have a problem with their wife getting it elsewhere. And if it wasn't a sexless marriage James? why not ask for an open marriage? Which we know very, very few do. And if feelings and sex are involved, why not ask to separate, go to counseling and afford your spouse the same option to date another? Which we also know is very, very rare also. lack of sex equal cheating? I do not buy it. it doesn't satisfactorily explain all the deception inherent in affairs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 She can't give permission for something he hasn't asked for. Kinda obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 If one spouse is unhappy enough int he marriage to have an affair, then why not tell their spouse that they are not happy being monogamous with them and that they want an open marriage? If lack of sex ( or some other issue) is the problem, or if one spouse simply isn't cut out to be monogamous, and they spouse cheats in order to get what they feel is lacking then why not be upfront and ask for an open marriage? Perhaps it's because their spouse wouldn't agree to it ( i don't think i could have, if asked), it's a very difficult thing to ask, or there's something about the affair dynamic that provides something that an open marriage would not. Does anyone else have an opinion on this? I personally do not like the idea of an open marriage. To me, that's not a marriage... it'd actually be better just to simply not get married, in my opinion. It is much more honest however to say either before the marriage or during, "I want an open marriage" instead of cheating. If the one with whom one is married does not agree, he or she has the right to divorce. Cheating is extremely cowardly, in my opinion. Cheating thrives on lies and hiding the truth. it is very selfish. It understands that being unfaithful is hurtful, but makes excuses instead of loving the one to whom faithfulness was promised and being a man/woman of his/her word. I respect open marriages, where both members of the marriage are open and honest about having sex with others, 1000 times more than I respect cheating, where one person is breaking his/her word and hiding the truth from someone he/she promised faithfulness. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 The past three years are no guarantee that tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year you may develop an STD. If you want to place your faith and heath on your OW's philandering husband's actions, well all I can say is good luck to you. There's a minimum of four people intermingling here and you're placing your faith in all of them being faithful? Three are known cheaters and the fourth is in an open marriage. Sheesh. You're right, no reason to be concerned there at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 And if it wasn't a sexless marriage James? why not ask for an open marriage? Which we know very, very few do. I can't relate to why they wouldn't. I do know that there are other reasons for affairs. And if feelings and sex are involved, why not ask to separate, go to counseling and afford your spouse the same option to date another? What many don't realize is that sex with someone will eventually involve feelings and emotions. This is why a sexual affair soon turns into a love affair and many lies IMO. lack of sex equal cheating? I do not buy it. it doesn't satisfactorily explain all the deception inherent in affairs. The lies protect the new source of sex. I don't agree that it is right at all. But I do know that a sexless marriage can certainly be a reason for an affair. And asking for an open marriage will not get more of it in most cases. It will simply cause the already broken marriage to break more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frozensprouts Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 Let's change this slightly to say that if in a sexless marriage and the wife doesn't want sex, then why won't she let her husband get it elsewhere? If she agrees to this, then why should SHE be allowed to get sex elsewhere when the whole problem is her not having sex with her husband as she vowed to do? If she breaks her vow and no longer has sex with her husband, then shouldn't she agree to let him have it with someone else provided he doesn't get close emotionally? And why should SHE be allowed to have sex elsewhere because if she had sex with her husband then he would not be asking for "an open marriage?" See...the reason many (but not all) men would have a problem is that they only cheat because of the lack of sex in their marriage. So the husband is starved and he asks if he can get food elsewhere. She says yes, but after starving him goes ahead and feeds another man. THAT is why many men would have a problem with their wife getting it elsewhere. fair enough...but what if the reason that she doesn't want sex is, well, ( I'll try and put this nicely...if her husband's sexual technique was to be rated, it may come in at a zero- or less-)... now i know that some will say ' then she should have told him", and that's very true...but there really are some men who just won't listen or their male ego won't allow them to hear what she's saying...after a while, maybe she starts to figure " what's the point', so she either stops wanting to have sex, or she just stops trying to enjoy sex at all... ( I know some men don't like to hear it, but just because a man can have sex, doesn't mean he's great at it, and while many men would be okay with being told that it a way that was kind and not hurtful " I love you, and I like being close to you, but when we have sex, how about we try x,y or z and see what that's like" , some men just can't deal with that, and they get defensive and angry)... it may well come out that the couple loves each other, loves their marriage, but they just aren't sexually compatible... as for " i cheated rather than asked for an open marriage because i didn't want to hurt my spouse...come on, that's a load of you know what..."- that's saying that they don't want to hurt their spouse, so they'll going to do the one thing that will hurt their spouse...sounds like a great way to take out some anger on their spouse in a really passive aggressive way... BTW...why is there so much assumption on here that's it's only going to be men that aren't happy with their sex life...some wives are just as unhappy... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 I was just thinking... the only way I'd agree to an open marriage is if I could no longer have sex for whatever reason. Then I think I would tell my husband that I want to have an open marriage, because I know how much sex is important to him (and me). We have not talked about it, but I don't know if he would do the same for me if he someday could not have sex. The reason I have not asked him though is because I personally think I am strong enough to not have sex if someday he can't... Even though I love sex, I love my husband more. I know faithfulness is very important to him and that it would hurt him worse than a knife if I had sex with another man while he was still alive. So, I would not even ask him... I do think I can be strong enough to be abstinent, out of love for him. I hope that's never the case though... I hope both of us can have sex throughout our lives and that we grow old together. :love: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frozensprouts Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 The past three years are no guarantee that tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year you may develop an STD. If you want to place your faith and heath on your OW's philandering husband's actions, well all I can say is good luck to you. realist3... are you okay if your wife wants to wear a condom to protect herself when the two of you have sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 And if it wasn't a sexless marriage James? why not ask for an open marriage? Which we know very, very few do. And if feelings and sex are involved, why not ask to separate, go to counseling and afford your spouse the same option to date another? Which we also know is very, very rare also. lack of sex equal cheating? I do not buy it. it doesn't satisfactorily explain all the deception inherent in affairs. In an affair, the sex is as important as the ego feed of being practically worshiped by the affair partner. The constant compliments and adoration seems to be what the affair partners crave as much or more than the actual sex. Just stop complimenting the affair partner and see if the great sex continues. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 To come to your spouse before there has been any infidelity and ask for an open M because of one's desires takes openness, honesty, courage, respect, and a willingness to work out other possibilities (otherwise it is not asking, it is demanding). This takes a different set of values and skills than pursuing a deceptive affair takes. Choosing an affair is basically the opposite of openness, honesty, courage, respect, and willingness to come to an agreement with one's spouse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Why not ask for an open marriage? Because it doesn't serve their purposes as much as lying does. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frozensprouts Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 To come to your spouse before there has been any infidelity and ask for an open M because of one's desires takes openness, honesty, courage, respect, and a willingness to work out other possibilities (otherwise it is not asking, it is demanding). This takes a different set of values and skills than pursuing a deceptive affair takes. Choosing an affair is basically the opposite of openness, honesty, courage, respect, and willingness to come to an agreement with one's spouse. this, to me, sounds like a great answer... that's the thing...if someone wants sex from someone else besides their spouse, the why not be honest about it? I wouldn't think that saying so would always mean that there needs to be an open marriage, as maybe there are other ways that a person an have this without needing to actually have sex with someone else... there also seems to be a assumption that this means there's is something wrong with the marriage...like i said, maybe there is, maybe not. maybe the person who wants something more just isn't monogamous by nature. by heating rather than being up front with their spouse, they are denying their spouse the choice to being with someone who isn't monogamous with them... Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 I can't relate to why they wouldn't. I do know that there are other reasons for affairs. What many don't realize is that sex with someone will eventually involve feelings and emotions. This is why a sexual affair soon turns into a love affair and many lies IMO. The lies protect the new source of sex. I don't agree that it is right at all. But I do know that a sexless marriage can certainly be a reason for an affair. And asking for an open marriage will not get more of it in most cases. It will simply cause the already broken marriage to break more. No, I disagree. The lies not only protect the AP, the source of the sex, but it also supremely protects the cheater most of all. The lies also put in harm's way the AP and MM or MW when DDay hits and one end of the triangle grows crazy and violent to have been so deceived. It's in the news every other day. The spouse sits faithful and chaste at home, while the MM or MW are out getting wild sex on the side. How good can it get for some? So, why not be honest and truthful so that your partner too can experience old reliable at home and some novel strange outside the home? Fair is fair, and because so many men, and some women balk at this concept, leads me to continue to believe that no matter how it is sliced, and diced, the cheater in no way, shape or form wants to conceive that their partner has the same rights as they do. Let your sexless spouse enjoy the novelty of someone new? Never going to happen, not in infidelity land. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 In an affair, the sex is as important as the ego feed of being practically worshiped by the affair partner. The constant compliments and adoration seems to be what the affair partners crave as much or more than the actual sex. Just stop complimenting the affair partner and see if the great sex continues. And the inverse is equally as true: Just stop the sex and see if those compliments keep a coming. If we are talking strictly sex, there are no many avenues available today with absolutely no strings attached. But that doesn't get you wined and dined and adored....for under $300 a night minimum! wow, maybe affairs ARE the cheaper option... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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