To My OW

[J-B]

It's a few days now since we finally cut the cord. We've tried many times before, somehow this one feels more real.

 

The withdrawal symptoms are strong. I am feeling chills, shaky hands, restless legs, and my focus is shot. The only relief comes from sleep, but I wake and it washes back over me immediately.

 

As much as I've always hoped for some sense of closure, finality, it never comes. There's no clean way to break from you. I want to say something poignant, but it always draws us back. When you seem sad, I only want to cheer you up.

 

We both knew it had to happen eventually. When it started we gave it no thoughts, but over time the shadow of its imminence grew heavier and heavier. It has taken a toll on both of us. You much more so than me. I'm sorry for that.

 

My feelings were always genuine with you. I hope you can believe that.

 

I've searched my soul for months on what to do. You've weathered the rollercoaster with me. I can't even trust my own mind, the addiction is so strong. In the end the only thing I want more than to be with you is to feel I've done right by my daughter. I don't think I could forgive myself for any other choice. In the end it's better for you too - to move past us, unencumbered by the stigma of the OW, or the distance from my child. You deserve more than I can give you. I think you know this too.

 

I find strength and conviction in approaching it from that unselfish perspective, and I offer it as the one final gesture that I care. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

 

I'll always remember you with fondness and love... you were a friend first and I hope somehow, someway, you can be a friend again. We each have to cross the desert on our own. I hope you will remember me the same way, in the long run. Our relationship was born in the wrong circumstance, but it was genuine nonetheless.

 

Hate me if you must, but please be kind. We'll both mourn, we'll both move on. It will be difficult to hear on both sides, I hope we can do it with care and respect.

 

In the end I just want us both to be happy again, and I hope we can get there as fast as possible.

 

Take care.

[Cali408]

As I told her, I love you more than anything, but that's still less than the sum of the love I have for my wife and kids.

[veryhappy]

The famous "take care"...

 

Please do her a favor and leave her alone. Don't insult her by asking her to be friends.

 

You are married to your wife, not to your daughter or anything else, so your choice was not to do right by your daughter, your choice was that you love your wife and want to spend your life with her. Anything else are just excuses.

 

If you mind my tone, it's because I am projecting. I know your OW pain, I know you won't even get to see her pain and minimize it while you're happily hopping to committing to your fa-mi-ly.

[veryhappy]

As I told her, I love you more than anything, but that's still less than the sum of the love I have for my wife and kids.

 

Did it cross your mind to ask yourself how that sounded to her? MM by large seem to say a bunch of insensitive things, and don't get why. Why not let some things unspoken? Why hurt more than necessary? Just because something is a good, righteous, nicely wrapped excuse in your mind, it doesn't mean it has the same effect and makes the same sense to someone else.

 

You do realize your kids will become adults, right?

[promises]

This made me cry. If you loved her, and will not be with her, set her free with no contact ever again. No friends, no nothing. You don't get that now. Family? Good you all use the family excuse. This is about you.. Not them. Somehow your choice is more important than her dignity. You chose to mess with her head for your gratification. Period. In the end you knew the outcome.

[skywriter]

It's a few days now since we finally cut the cord. We've tried many times before, somehow this one feels more real.

 

The withdrawal symptoms are strong. I am feeling chills, shaky hands, restless legs, and my focus is shot. The only relief comes from sleep, but I wake and it washes back over me immediately.

 

As much as I've always hoped for some sense of closure, finality, it never comes. There's no clean way to break from you. I want to say something poignant, but it always draws us back. When you seem sad, I only want to cheer you up.

 

We both knew it had to happen eventually. When it started we gave it no thoughts, but over time the shadow of its imminence grew heavier and heavier. It has taken a toll on both of us. You much more so than me. I'm sorry for that.

 

My feelings were always genuine with you. I hope you can believe that.

 

I've searched my soul for months on what to do. You've weathered the rollercoaster with me. I can't even trust my own mind, the addiction is so strong. In the end the only thing I want more than to be with you is to feel I've done right by my daughter. I don't think I could forgive myself for any other choice. In the end it's better for you too - to move past us, unencumbered by the stigma of the OW, or the distance from my child. You deserve more than I can give you. I think you know this too.

 

I find strength and conviction in approaching it from that unselfish perspective, and I offer it as the one final gesture that I care. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

 

I'll always remember you with fondness and love... you were a friend first and I hope somehow, someway, you can be a friend again. We each have to cross the desert on our own. I hope you will remember me the same way, in the long run. Our relationship was born in the wrong circumstance, but it was genuine nonetheless.

 

Hate me if you must, but please be kind. We'll both mourn, we'll both move on. It will be difficult to hear on both sides, I hope we can do it with care and respect.

 

In the end I just want us both to be happy again, and I hope we can get there as fast as possible.

 

Take care.

 

J-B,

 

As you may well know, we don't have very many MOM or OM posters, so thank you for sharing .

 

I think we tend to villianize the men and it may not always be fair.

 

I have to acknowledge my choices that caused my hurtful experience.

[Pierre]

Also guys, don't panic. The cohort of BWs will be here shortly to praise you for finding the right path. After all, evil OW knew what she was getting into. She deserves what she got.

 

there is no such thing as an evil OW. Cheating is part of the human condition and it is just another trick of the evolutionary forces to replicate DNA.

 

IMHO the overwhelming number of OP in this board are just as nice as anyone else.

 

The OP fell into the old trick of intensely loving the OW within the affair bubble. The love is quite real and the sensations are not faked. However, these things fall apart because of the way nature works.

 

When one is ending a relationship it is actually best not to offer hope to the other party. This hope prolongs the agony and it os often the projection of an insecure MOM or MOW that still wants cake.

 

Set me free

Why don't you

Baby?

Get ofF my life

Why don't you

Baby?

'Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hangin' on.

Set me free

Why don't you

Baby?

Get off my life

Why don't you

Baby?

'Cause you don'r really need me

But you keep me hangin' on.

 

Why do you keep a comin' around playing with my heart?

Why don't you get out of my life

And let me make a brand-new start?

Let me get over you

The way you've gotten over me.

Set me free

Why don't you

Baby?

Get off my life

Why don't you

Baby?

'Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hangin' on.

Now you don't really need me

You just keep me hangin' on.

 

You say although we broke up

You still iust wanna be friends

[ Lyrics from: You Keep Me Hangin'on Lyrics - Kim Wilde ]

But how can we still be friend;

When seeing you only breaks my heart again?

- And there ain't nothing I can do about it -

 

Get out

Get out of my life and let me sleep at night

 

'Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hangin' on.

You say you still care for me

 

But your heart and soul needs to be free.

And now that you've got your freedom

You wanna still hold on to me.

You don't want me for yourself

 

So let me find somebody else.

 

Set me free

Why don't you

Baby?

Get off my life

Why don't you

Baby?

'Cause you don't really love me

You just keep me hangin on.

Why don't you be a man about it and set me freez

Now you don't care a thing about me

 

You're just using me

Using me.

Get out

Get out of my life and let me sleep at night

 

'Cause yov don't really love me

You just keep

Me hangin' on.

[Sarabi]

It's a few days now since we finally cut the cord. We've tried many times before, somehow this one feels more real.

 

The withdrawal symptoms are strong. I am feeling chills, shaky hands, restless legs, and my focus is shot. The only relief comes from sleep, but I wake and it washes back over me immediately.

 

As much as I've always hoped for some sense of closure, finality, it never comes. There's no clean way to break from you. I want to say something poignant, but it always draws us back. When you seem sad, I only want to cheer you up.

 

We both knew it had to happen eventually. When it started we gave it no thoughts, but over time the shadow of its imminence grew heavier and heavier. It has taken a toll on both of us. You much more so than me. I'm sorry for that.

 

My feelings were always genuine with you. I hope you can believe that.

 

I've searched my soul for months on what to do. You've weathered the rollercoaster with me. I can't even trust my own mind, the addiction is so strong. In the end the only thing I want more than to be with you is to feel I've done right by my daughter. I don't think I could forgive myself for any other choice. In the end it's better for you too - to move past us, unencumbered by the stigma of the OW, or the distance from my child. You deserve more than I can give you. I think you know this too.

 

I find strength and conviction in approaching it from that unselfish perspective, and I offer it as the one final gesture that I care. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

 

I'll always remember you with fondness and love... you were a friend first and I hope somehow, someway, you can be a friend again. We each have to cross the desert on our own. I hope you will remember me the same way, in the long run. Our relationship was born in the wrong circumstance, but it was genuine nonetheless.

 

Hate me if you must, but please be kind. We'll both mourn, we'll both move on. It will be difficult to hear on both sides, I hope we can do it with care and respect.

 

In the end I just want us both to be happy again, and I hope we can get there as fast as possible.

 

Take care.

 

Its probably naive of me to say so and I think Promises and CuteDragon also have fair points...but I think your post (for the most part) is very sweet. Good luck

[wanting more]

I still wonder some days what my xMM remembers about me,* us???

*

If I saw him tomorrow,* I would walk by without saying a word.* I do hope that I don't ever run across*him.**There are days that*go by that he doesn't cross my mind (not very many but one or two).* *

*

I do see how NC is the best thing.* There's no thoughts in my mind anymore of him contacting me.* He is where he wants, needs, has to be.* Whatever his reasons are,* love, fear, kids, for me the reasons don't matter any more.* The fact is he chose his wife, family, life, and threw me out.

*

The hate feelings are not as bad as they used to be,* they're still there, just not as strong,* along with hurt, confusion, feelings of complete stupidity on my part.* But mostly its just a low ache in my body,* missing who I thought he was, missing what*I thought we*had, *the confusion of how I let myself*fall in love with a married man, the guilty feelings for hurting so many people.

*

but sometimes, once every now and then, I'd like to believe I cross his mind, even if just for a minute, and it not be bad feelings.* I'd like to believe that maybe, just maybe he did love me,* that it wasn't 3-1/2 years of lies.* That when things came out in the open about our A,* he made his decision,* and that it wasn't an easy one,* it was one he had to make and doesn't regret, but that maybe for a split second, he thought about being with me.

*

I'd like to think my xMM wrote this letter to me,* and it does, in a way, make me feel a little better.

*

but J-B, please don't send it,* had I gotten this I would've never been able to move on,* I would always be reading this and trying to hang on.* but also Thank You for posting it.* The few things i've seen from WS about their xOW are horrible, and how the OW were the biggest mistakes of their lives.**

[waterwoman]

That's very moving. But not sure your ow will appreciate the sentiment in the circumstances. She is probably royally pissed off. By the way, are we going to see a similar outpouring of love and apology on the other forum dire ted to the wife that you have been betraying and lying to? Or don't you give a sh*t about her. It's not nice to feel like the default option.

[promises]

I'm currently bitter, I realize. But, if you send this letter and spend the holidays with your family, you've just given her the opposite of hope as she wakes up alone these holidays.

 

Never ever ever sign a break up letter with, 'Take care'... Either.. Otherwise, it was a nice letter, honestly. Just not in her best interest.

[awkward]

You can tell your OW anything you want, but do you really believe all of this? Are you a martyr? Forsaking your own happiness for that of your daughters?

 

Can you put into words where your concern for your daughter was when you were risking her normal?

 

Does your wife know you are in love with someone else? Did your affair not affect your daughter? Your wife, the mother of your daughter?

[ComingInHot]

Your daughter means a-lot to you, I can tell. But there is a good chance that she will marry a man just like you and have him treat her just like you have and will continue to treat your Wife. Do you want that for her? Of it is the Married Other Woman you want to be with then do it of your actions will show your daughter the kind of love she deserves to have. You may want to take some time to REALLY think about this first though, because of you realize the affection was only inside the "affair bubble" that will soon burst leaving you there women whose lives you hurt.

[veryhappy]

Cute Dragon, I can't help but feel a sense of you being snarky towards the BS' from your post.

 

I know it sounded like that, but except selected few that would probably get on my nerves outside knowing them for their BW status (is that even a status?), it was really about encuraging this MM to not disappear. The few who end up here just leave at the first sign of things being hard for them (surprise!).

 

I think that if we had more MM to discuss with, the OW-BW would be much different, because what happens is exactly what's happening in this thread where both sides are saying "are you kidding us?".

[veryhappy]

It's a few days now since we finally cut the cord. We've tried many times before, somehow this one feels more real.

 

The withdrawal symptoms are strong. I am feeling chills, shaky hands, restless legs, and my focus is shot. The only relief comes from sleep, but I wake and it washes back over me immediately.

It's hard for me.

 

As much as I've always hoped for some sense of closure, finality, it never comes. There's no clean way to break from you. I want to say something poignant, but it always draws us back. When you seem sad, I only want to cheer you up.

 

It's hard for me - no closure. I feel guilty.

 

We both knew it had to happen eventually. When it started we gave it no thoughts, but over time the shadow of its imminence grew heavier and heavier. It has taken a toll on both of us. You much more so than me. I'm sorry for that.

 

Rememeber when I future faked? Well, yes, it was fake. Silly you for believing that bs. Through my selfishness though, I can see that it's been much harder on you (some empathy).

 

My feelings were always genuine with you. I hope you can believe that.

 

Can you not hate me please? I really meant the bs at the time I was delivering it to you.

 

I've searched my soul for months on what to do. You've weathered the rollercoaster with me. I can't even trust my own mind, the addiction is so strong. In the end the only thing I want more than to be with you is to feel I've done right by my daughter. I don't think I could forgive myself for any other choice. In the end it's better for you too - to move past us, unencumbered by the stigma of the OW, or the distance from my child. You deserve more than I can give you. I think you know this too.

 

I couldn't let you go while I was making a decision, and dragged you along because I needed you. I also took the decision to stay for your own good - I just know what's best for you.

 

I find strength and conviction in approaching it from that unselfish perspective, and I offer it as the one final gesture that I care. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

 

Look at me doing the right thing for you, for my wife, for my daughter, for my peace of mind of keeping my family together and letting you move on to the man who can give you what you want. I'm so awesome!

 

I'll always remember you with fondness and love... you were a friend first and I hope somehow, someway, you can be a friend again. We each have to cross the desert on our own. I hope you will remember me the same way, in the long run. Our relationship was born in the wrong circumstance, but it was genuine nonetheless.

 

Yeah...I said you could move on and I'd stay away. What if I can still get something out of you by being friends. Can we keep the door open? I don't want you to think badly of me, it's really important for me that you keep the great opinion you seemed to have about me.

 

Hate me if you must, but please be kind. We'll both mourn, we'll both move on. It will be difficult to hear on both sides, I hope we can do it with care and respect.

 

I know I f-ed you over, but you can't really blame me. It's so difficult for me, you surely will understand( because you've always been so understanding...) I really don't want to feel guilty for too long here.

 

In the end I just want us both to be happy again, and I hope we can get there as fast as possible.

 

If you can be happy soon, that would really help me get over the uneasy feelings of not being the great man I think I am.

 

Take care.

See ya! Well, as friends...if you don't cause me problems. Really...get over it so I can sleep at night.

 

If there ever was a MM manual... Almost all is about them.

 

I have to admit OP, you seem to care more about how your fOW will fare then exMM in my case. There are some traces of empathy and care there, drowned by your sense of doing what's right, but present anyway.

Edited December 14, 2012 by cutedragon

[BrokenPrincess]

My xMM's last words to me were "take care" ...like a punch in the gut :sick::sick::sick:

[J-B]

Thank you for all the responses even/especially the harsh ones. They help my conviction in reminding the pain I've caused. The OP is a mistake because it doesn't help or change anything. I won't say anything more to make it worse.

[veryhappy]

What I can see in MM writing about their experience is this intense sense of duty or clarity that they want the marriage, and they'd like to forget all about the OW instantly (or continue the A). In their mind, she just moves on and keeps the same great feelings for him in some form. They need the thought that she'll be fine, and it wasn't that bad so they can clear their concious of the guilt.

 

Things do not stay the same. There's a lot of rage happening( just like you see in me), and by the end of the process the OW is a changed woman. You can stay in denial thinking she'll just dust off and go back to her life from the pre-A point, but it's not like that. Being sold a future together and dropped in an instant is a life changing experience.

 

It's extremly insulting to hear "oh you'll find someone better" or in my case "I hope you find someone special to have kids with". It's like losing a child and being told "oh, that's nothing. you'll pop another one out soon". Why do you say that stuff other than for your own good and peace of mind? These other women really wanted a future with you (you as in MM deciding to stay). If men are so messed up to not think logically and they get lost in faking something never wanted...when clarity arrives just leave it unspoken. No need for more damage. The most damage happening to me was at the very end, and after that (I've been told now he's wife is having sex with him - am I not lucky? I guess he had to share his joy).

Edited December 14, 2012 by cutedragon

[veryhappy]

I won't say anything more to make it worse.

 

I hope that you do continue to write. This is the problem - MM do not stick around as soon as things get tough, and it would be helpful to have a chance to talk to the source about what happened there.

 

Take it as therapy. Similar to the "I'm your BW" thread. You are NC with your fOW, but you can talk to us.

[promises]

My xMM's last words to me were "take care" ...like a punch in the gut :sick::sick::sick:

 

Ending a relationship with 'Take care', in my opinion, would be no different than ripping her heart out her chest with your bare hands and knocking it out of the ball park with a 2x4...

[FelicityShot]

It's a few days now since we finally cut the cord. We've tried many times before, somehow this one feels more real.

 

 

I wonder what made it hard before and what changed.

[erdz8011]

This is so sad. My MM just cut off all communication, stating both of us were in pain. He is the one that got me here and now he can just leave me. It was him who wanted me not the other way around. My pain is physical. Why can say things to someone and not realize implications?

[veryhappy]

This is so sad. My MM just cut off all communication, stating both of us were in pain. He is the one that got me here and now he can just leave me. It was him who wanted me not the other way around. My pain is physical. Why can say things to someone and not realize implications?

 

I'm sorry you are in pain.

 

If you want you can start your own thread.