Want a divorce - feel getting married was a mistake

[lifeexperience]

Hi,

I am new here. I guess I will give you all a bio and an overview. I'm basically just looking for other people's advice, experience, etc and also a way to vent. If you want to tell me I am stupid, immature, or basically anything negative and not helpful, please move on. I don't have time for that c**p.

 

I am 25 married to a 24 years old man for a year and a half. We were together for 4.5 years before we got married and lived together basically the entire relationship since I was 19 years old. We also work together at my family's business. He is a very nice guy, would never cheat, and would never abuse me. I will freely admit I am the one with the unhappiness. I never really wanted to marry him but felt that I should because it was basically expected from my family and I fell into the rut of 'just go with it.' I have had that problem with more then just one relationship in my life.

 

Our relationship basically went on without either of us doing anything to maintain or change anything emotionally. I can't honestly tell you how many times I wanted to break it off with him before we were even engaged. But, he would get to the point of tears and thinking he did something wrong and I would always break and feel horrible so stop trying to end it. And, I can be a very practical person to the point of being cold about my logic. I always reasoned with myself that it was better to no hurt him and not disrupt my family's business by just keeping my mouth shut.

 

We used to have passion for each other and did have fun together but over time, it is more like we are simply co-workers and roommates. I have not wanted to have sex with him for over a year. I would do it about once a month to make him happy and I felt obligated but it really was not fun anymore and more like a chore. We went from talking at the start of our relationship to only talking about work or just what needed to be done around the house. We go out to dinner and both just text on our phones or don't talk and just sit there.

 

I do look back and think I saw this all coming. I know my personality and I am not very good at relationships and even worse at ending them. I have a big problem avoiding issues whether they are in a romantic, work, or just friendly relationship. I have always worried about being alone in life and stayed in the relationship half due to this fear no matter how silly that sounds. I also know I have some animosity toward him due to finances. I did support him for quite awhile because he didn't want to go to work and chose to stay home and watch tv for a couple months during the winter time. He would always say there was nothing to do at work so why go. I have tried to put that all aside because I think it's a bit childish of myself to hold it against him but it is still there.

 

About two months ago, I told him I wanted to separate for awhile and he about went off the edge. He was an emotional wreck and couldn't be around me for work. We just avoided each other for about two weeks or we would argue when together. Then, he took some of his clothes and went back to his parents place which is 8 hours away. Now my parents and his are both saying we need to work this out. We committed and that is all there should be. My parents and him have been talking behind my back and making all my emotions even harder to deal with especially considering the family business. He is coming back in about a week and told me we are going to work it out. Only problem is, that I am truly emotionally out of the marriage and have finally been able to see that I was not in it for a long time if ever. (I mean I thought about calling the wedding off the day before it not to mention for about 5 months before it.) I don't want to fight about it and I don't want to hurt him any more then I already will but I don't just want to end up caving like I always do and ending up even more miserable 5 years down the road or after a child. I am dreading him coming home for the reasons of confrontation, fear I will give in out of desperation/guilt, and for knowing my family will gang up on me with him. I have a couple of great friends for support but I honestly can't even talk to my family about my problems.

 

As I said, this is my venting or looking for any positive encouragement out there from people who have been there. I tried to include as much info as I could. My thoughts are hard to put in writing in an organized manner so I apologize if it jumps around or doesn't make sense. Thank you all for hearing me!

[Yamaha]

Tell him you're no longer in-love with him and he deserves someone who enjoys his company and is happy to be with him.

 

Not trying to be mean but staying out of obligation isn't doing anyone any good. He will come to resent you over time and then he will grow to hate you. If you don't want to work on your marriage there really isn't a choice.

[whichwayisup]

Don't let your family, his family or him manipulate or bully you into staying married.

 

You have detached and moved on emotionally. You aren't in love with him and as painful as this is going to be for him, you need to divorce.

 

Think about selling this family business to him and moving on so you won't have to deal with him everyday. Otherwise it's gonna be hell to see him and his pain.

[whichwayisup]

Your unhappiness is YOUR problem! Try and work it out. What you are feeling is normal, all relationships experience this. I feel you both spend too much time together. Try and see if you or he can work somewhere else. Your relationship is dying of suffocation. Try and work it out. It's a jungle out here!

 

She knew it was a mistake from the day they said their vows. She shouldn't stay with someone who she doesn't love, it's not fair to him nor to her. Outside influences (her parents, his parents) shouldn't be interferring in their lives. They aren't the ones living it!

[Mack05]

I think the problem here OP is that u simply met too young. Life is hard and it gets harder as you get older. Marriages (in most circumstances) can only work if they are rock solid to begin with and then continue to grow as the years progress. Marriages will get tested and if the union is not solid (trust, respect, communication, honesty, love ) it will fail.

 

You were probably having doubts on your wedding day. I know many people would advise you to stick at it but from reading your story, I don't feel that is the right option. Every person deserves a partner that fully loves them and is fully committed to them. Right now you are not fully committed to this marriage. Its only a matter of time before this situation completly combusts.

 

If you guys were in your 40's and 20 years married I would suggest going to counselling etc. Not saying people in their 40's are old, just saying 20 years is a lot to give up. However you are both young enough to overcome this and build new happier lives without each other. Staying out of guilt or obligation will just make you more sad in the long run. Eventually you will become resentful and will look back on a wasted life in a loveless marriage going where did it all go? I'm sure you will admit you have made mistakes. Staying cause you are hoping things will change, will just compound those mistakes and make them bigger and bigger.

 

You need space from him to figure this all out. Maybe you are unhappy within yourself. Hard to be happy with anyone if you are not happy within yourself. Maybe you are not happy with him, maybe you feel you are losing out on your youth. Either way you can't figure all is while in the confines of this relationship. My advice to you would be to just be honest with your husband. Explain how you feel. Explain you need space but don't leave the poor guy hanging for too long. If you make a final decision to leave go, then do it decisively. Giving the impression you might be back someday is not fair. I would then go to a counsellor and try figure all this out. A counsellor will help you piece all this together and you can get answers to the questions you currently don't know the answer to. I.e. why have you avoidance issues when dealing with various things in your life? Trust me feelings are like weeds. If you don't deal with them they grow out of control.

 

I personally feel people should wait till your late 20's to settle down. Because the person you are in your late 20's is who you are always going to be. When you meet someone at 19 your journey is only starting. There is so much emotional growth still to be done. I can sympathise with you. I met a girl when I was 22. We were together for 8 years. Its hard to walk away. Especially when you once loved someone dearly and you don't want to hurt them. I eventually had the courage to break it off. It was VERY hard and it took me a long time to get over it, but if I hadn't left then a child could have been brought into a loveless marriage and we would have grown to hate each other. Years of life could have been wasted and I have learnt first hand life is too precious to waste. She ended up with the right guy for her. I got to understand what being happy within yourself really means and the great gifts that come when you truly open your heart and your mind.

 

The consequences of leaving will be devastating. The consequences of staying will be soooo much worse. If its meant to be you will find you way back together, if not then you know you made the right decision. The mistakes have been made. That's ok we all make mistakes. Now you have to do the right thing by both of you. It's a new year coming up. I would look to the new year to make a new start in your life BUT it doesn't have to be Jan 1st. Hopefully you don't leave the poor guy over Christmas...

 

You now need to find the courage to do the right thing. You already know what that right thing is...I wish you well

Edited December 17, 2012 by Mack05

[lifeexperience]

Thank you all for the great words! Mach05 I have to say you really got me with yours. You said alot of the things that I am thinking to myself. Also, most of your reasoning was the exact same and my best friend, who is beside me with all of this, is saying the same things. I know what is right in my heart and I know I don't want to be here 20 years from now stuck and bitter about life. I have seen people end up that way and it's sad. I do think we started our relationship too young and can say I have changed drastically since then as has he. Not good or bad for either of us, just life I think. I can say I refuse to break up or say I want a divorce before Christmas. That is just too much for anyone and I just want to wait until after the first of the year to talk things out. Funny Mach05 brought up a fresh year and a fresh start because that is what I have been thinking and it has just been making me so much happier thinking positive about everything. I know it's going to be hard but I do feel it's unfair for both of us to stay together when there is no passion or love. Thank you everyone for your opinions and feel free to keep em coming. Reading what everyone else thought and finding myself nodding along is great encouragement. As for the last post (Sorry I can't remember you name), there is no other man besides a few of my male friends but not a romantic man which is what I'm assuming you are meaning.

[lifeexperience]

HI all,

I just wanted to stop in quick. I am in GREAT spirits today. I went out last night with a few friends and had a wonderful time. One of my friends is a married man several years older then me and he got me to really work everything out verbally with him. He is my friend and not my husbands but really got me to say exactly what I needed to. The things that he says he saw (has known us both the entire relationship) from the beginning and all the way through. He said he always thought we were wrong from the get go. And, he shared SEVERAL other friends names that felt the exact same way. He said my husband and my personalities really are not right for each other and gave me examples of his own marriage how and why it works so well and showed me what is lacking with mine. I can't express how great I feel today!! He made me realize I am not crazy for feeling the way I do and that lots of other people out there see it too but always felt it was better to stay out of my business for the most part. Several had said little things over the years but I never really listened (my fault). I know what path I am taking and I know it will be hard but I know I have so many more friends out there that will support me and be there for the ups, downs, and good times. I left the night feeling a sense of closure on my feelings and an outlook on the future that is amazing. I have so much to live for, try for, and so many great people to share with it.

[Mack05]

That is great lifeexperience but you need to remember you are about to shatter someone's world. It's really important now to show empathy and compassion to your husband. Yes it's great to have plans and an exciting future but for your husband it's a long tough road ahead. Its important to treat him the way you would like to be treated if the situations were reversed.

 

In most cases like this the dumper has emotionally checked out for awhile before the breakup. While I'm sure your husband is aware there were problems, this is still going to come as nasty shock. Especially if he sees you in such high spirits just before Christmas. He seems a good guy and you need to treat him and this situation with as much respect as possible. It's important to make it crystal clear your decision is final, but without being cold. Some dumpers can be quite cruel, hopefully you won't be.

 

Also you need a period of reflection before starting on a new journey. You need to fully understand why you made the mistakes you have made. Otherwise you will just repeat them down the line. It always makes me laugh when people on this site talk about the amount of bitches or douchebags they have dated, without for one second realising that the problem is more with them, not the exes. The point I am trying to make is that it is crucial to learn from mistakes and life lessons.

 

It is vital to emotionally grow and understand what that exactly entails. Otherwise you are just repeating patterns. The people that repeat these patterns then get more and more bitter and cynical the older they get and blame everyone but themselves. Truly oblivious that they are the issue. It took me till about a month ago to fully figure out why I made the bad choices I did. Until then I always blamed the exes and moved on making the same mistakes along the way. Reprogramming my thinking has been the most fulfilling thing that I have achieved in a very long time.

 

Its great you are feeling good but something isn't right if you can move on from a marriage easily without feeling a lot of pain. Just be careful for the next while. "Fooling people is a serious business but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal". I just don't want you making the same mistakes as I did. Grieve the relationship, learn from what happened and treat your husband with the compassion and respect he deserves. Once you do all those things then the future truly is bright...

Edited December 20, 2012 by Mack05

[Kelemvor]

I think you know the answer to your own question. Most people 1.5 years into a marriage shouldn't be this unhappy, so it's a red flag on several levels. I had a similar marriage except that mine was unhappy from the start and never had any honeymoon period, only strife. The longer you stay in an unhappy marriage, the more opportunities you present for mistakes or temptations on either person's part. In hindsight, it's a disservice to yourself and the other person to torture either of you when the relationship really isn't going anywhere. It sounds like you met young, and have never really met someone to be very compatible. I dragged my marriage out (2 yrs) 1.5 years longer than I should have! Sometimes, you have to do what's best for yourself, regardless of whether the other person is going to be happy or not. It's your life, and you only live it once. I've never been much of a quitter and hate failure on any level, but I finally had to realize that it was a bad decision and a bad investment and that it was time to cut my losses and start anew. It's rough, it's not easy, but it's ultimately worth it. You're still very young and have plenty of time to meet the right person. Good luck. Also, I think it's good to listen to your friends input as that's more objective. If they are good friends, they will be honest. Mine were making bets at my reception dinner on how long the marriage would last, but never told me until I divorced!

[GuyInLimbo]

" Now my parents and his are both saying we need to work this out."

 

This is NO ONE'S decision but yours and your husband's to make. PERIOD.

 

And, really, just get out now. You are very young and the both of you have a lot of life to live before settling down. You need to stop worrying about hurting him. It's unavoidable and you guys must go through this in order to move on with your lives. No one is going to be happy if you stay together. Just because he's not emotionally mature enough to deal with you not loving him, well, too bad. You need to be the bigger person and take care of yourself. Either he seeks out his own peace and happiness or he doesn't. But it's not your responsibility. He's an adult, not a child (despite hos he acts).

 

You have no kids. You are in an enviable spot. Cut your losses now and go find your passion.