Getting back together is far from impossible.

[habs53]

First of all ,me and my wife separated almost 3 years ago. She loved me but did not love me story. We are not back together mainly because i went about it the wrong way. In the last few years i have witnessed 4 couples all get back together. All the same way. Totally opposite of what you will probably hear on here.

 

I am close friends with all these couples and it was the wife that ended it in all cases. From talking to these people i have learned many things. Here it goes.

 

First thing is... You have no hope what so ever if you go no contact. Your done like dinner. No contact may help you some.. will not help your marriage

 

Also all 4 woman agreed that they convinced themselves that there husbands were never going to change. Totally convinced themselves. They felt neglected or emotionally abused in some way.

 

 

All couples were living apart so its a myth if the wife leaves you will not get her back.

 

The men basically decided that they were not going to see the woman they loved walk out of there lives. They all agreed to them selves that they should have treated there wives better.

 

They never got negative with there wives and agreed to why they were leaving. Maybe not at first but quickly after.

 

They all kept contact. Calling them every second night or so. Even if it was just to call to ask about the kids. Never really told them they missed them but obviously the wives knew they did.

 

Always were there for there exs no matter what. Sometimes the wives would hint about something so they would be there for them without asking.

 

They would offer to do family things again. They always got no at first but all 4 woman agreed eventually.

 

Family gatherings eventually turned into simple dates with no pressure. Just fun.

 

This process would carry on until eventually the family was back together.

 

Just little notes...

 

Do not date anyone else... fatal

 

If she is seeing someone else it wont last. Two of the couples someone else was involved.

 

You really have to swallow your pride and commit yourself. ( i could not swallow my pride and blamed her for everything and look where it got me. )

 

I know this sounds just to simple but i really witnessed this. All the couples are now stronger than they were before.

 

Take it for whats it worth.

[2sunny]

Sounds divine...

 

But how many of the cheating couples did the hard work to prevent cheating from happening again?

 

How many just swept their problems under the rug in order to move forward and get back together?

 

How many addressed the real problems in the M and fixed what was broken - building a NEW relationship?

[habs53]

All these couples had problems. Just like any other marriage. Cheating does not make things better but is brought on because of the neglect, but still doesnt make it correct.

 

Sweeping things under the rug is what caused the issue.

[2sunny]

All these couples had problems. Just like any other marriage. Cheating does not make things better but is brought on because of the neglect, but still doesnt make it correct.

 

Sweeping things under the rug is what caused the issue.

 

You have ideas that denial makes a marriage happy.

 

That's backwards.

[trippi1432]

Hey there Habs.

 

I agree that people can work things out, even the hardest of issues, and build a stronger marriage.

 

I don't know if I can agree that cheating is brought on due to neglect, that's almost like saying a spouse that was cheated on deserved it. You are right, it doesn't make it correct, but cheating is more a form of self preservation of the ego, or the cheater just likes to cheat....just wired that way, maybe even due to their own low self-esteem or just likes a challenge. Who knows why, but if it were brought on by neglect, then technically I should have been cheating my little heart out in both of my marriages.

[habs53]

You have ideas that denial makes a marriage happy.

 

That's backwards.

 

These couples are now back together. Bottom line. What they do with it is there choice.

 

There are many posters on here would give there left leg for a chance to try again and make things better. Thats the only reason i felt i would post this. If it works for them.. maybe.. maybe not.

[Toddbt12y1]

Actually no contact is great. No, not for getting back together. But for intended use. I wouldn't give a cheater that chance again. To move on like nothing happens, excuses the action. Which later leads back to cheating.

 

Past history is a good indicator for future history. No contact isn't meant to heal a relationship. But to heal the individual or individuals in a relationship after it ends.

 

Especially if that end is bad...like cheating.

[CptSaveAho]

How did you go at it the wrong way?

 

The only way you can go at it the wrong way is to be a total "bitch/pansey/nice guy(girl)" for years on end and validate her reasoning for the breakup. If you say nothing or error on the side of a55hole (ive seen women do this to men that left them and the guys came back...)

 

I know of married couples that have gotten back together, if the spouse wants out, you help them pack their bags and don't say ****. Suffer in silence

 

Go NIC, if they ask you what are you up to, how have you been respond coldly "none of your business". Make them crawl back where actions match their words, until then remain cold

 

As a guy, I wouldn't take back someone that left me in a relationship or marriage, if they want out... deuces... heal then NEXT

[M30USA]

What about it your ex-wife abused and assaulted you...and she still thinks it's YOUR fault?

[SuperGeek]

Also all 4 woman agreed that they convinced themselves that there husbands were never going to change. Totally convinced themselves. They felt neglected or emotionally abused in some way.

 

Right! Of course it's always the guy's fault right? That's the new story these days... the guy didn't do this, or that, or wasn't funny enough, or romantic enough, or good looking enough, or not _________ enough, or TOO ________. I'm tired of the blame constantly being defaulted to the male these days.

 

In _my_ relationship, I treated her well (no cheating, never left, no abuse, etc). Was I perfect? No I wasn't as we had normal relationship challenges like most couples do. Nobody is perfect and women shouldn't expect it. She definitely wasn't perfect and had her share of problems, but i saw a bigger long term picture that she eventually didn't share with me. She choose to leave me and you know what? I'm not going to try and CONVINCE a woman to come back to me if they've moved out and starting SCREWING someone else for over a YEAR. Sorry but I can only take so much abuse. I deserve better than that. Women that leave and screw a complete downgrade for over a year (this guy was a real winner!!!) means the relationship was MEANT TO END.

 

So yeah, your four buddies can pander and beg their cheating wives (or whatever happened with them) all they want, but I'm not going to except anything less than full commitment. Once they move out, they can stay gone.

 

My ex's grand finale exit from the relationship (not just burning the bridge but nuking it from orbit) taught me one thiing: she wasn't happy. She was convinced and once she started screwing other people, it was over for me. A happy woman would NOT leave the way my ex left me. So either I was a horrible POS to her, or she just wasn't that into me - and you know what ? The reason doesn't matter. She left and gave up and that's all that matters now. I learned a lot of what not to do next time and what I should do MORE of next time, but that's it. The reason doesn't matter at this point - she chose to leave.

 

Oh and btw, she tried to come back a year later. Even stalked me on this forum for awhile under a different alias. I eventually came to my senses and told her NO and grew a pair. She hasn't contacted me since and I'm glad. She can enjoy that fresh new green grass that just dumped her to the curb.

 

NC saved my life. I would not be on this earth right now typing this post if I hadn't implemented NC, because I would have jumped off a building or died some other harsh way due to the pain this woman put me through. Not going NC just keeps that pain right in front of you and delays healing. NC is for pain relief, not for getting back with your ex. It helped me get AWAY from the situation and heal slowly and to start thinking logically instead of emotionally about the situation I was in. Some people don't even have the choice and must remain in some contact due to children - I was fortunate in that I could go NC because we didn't get to the kids stage. I really feel for those that have to stay in contact with their ex-wives and feel that pain all the time ... Go read Jaymz thread sometime for an example of what HE goes through oh a daily basis with his wretched ex. That guy should be given a medal for what he deals with because his EX is the definition of complete gold plated B_____ !.

 

You don't know why some of your friends got back together. You aren't there to see the full picture. Some people get back together for completely stupid reasons such as an affair ending, loneliness, being weak, depression, low self-esteem, boredom, etc. Doesn't mean it's a good thing. My cousin just married her EX b/f who was physically abusive. He used to threaten her life verbally -- now how stupid is that? She's an idiot and she deserves better but she's giving up and settling!

 

Just because your four friends all got back together by begging their cheating ass wives to come back doesn't mean anything. It's a small sampling and anecdotal evidence at best.

 

I'm single and will stay that way until either I meet someone worth pursuing or I just die alone. Now she's someone else's problem and i never have to deal with her again.

 

</rant>

 

SuperGeek

[Cedarman]

I kind of understand what habs53 is saying.

 

Remember though that NC is NOT to get back together. It is done for yourself - to get to a space where you don't care if you get back together or not.

 

But I understand that forgiveness is a major part of rebuilding a relationship. So swallowing your pride IS necessary in order to forgive a cheating spouse.

 

The conditions leading UP to the cheating are a shared responsibility. There is no excuse for cheating, but I can understand how some couples WILL get back together without addressing the cheating first. In these cases, I think the goal is to first rebuild the emotional attachment (which means the BS forgives), THEN talk about the problems. It's a leap of faith.

 

Having said that, it also depends upon the individual person whether this would work for them. For me, the anger is still way too high for me to even consider asking my wife to re-build. Maybe with more time, I will get there. Or, maybe with more time, I won't care.

 

But I get that this would work in some cases.

[ataloss8270]

I understand where the OP is coming from. One thing I've learn in life is to forgive someone for something takes more guts than to be a spiteful jerk, who can't let the past be the past. And to be able to swallow your pride, but still be able to stand tall takes courage, far beyond hiding in a corner and going NC. And your W/H may see that, and wonder if he/she is making the right decission.

 

And who cares if your W/H sleeping with someone else. Sex is sex and love is love IMO. I have always separated the two. Just because you want to sleep with someone doesn't mean you truly love that person. And as for being the one the person cheated on, you need to understand that by going NC you are just validating the other persons feeling that you don't care about them. Because deep down inside passed all the hurt, pain, and resentment you do love that person. So show it by just simple little things like asking hows your day going. Nothing about the day, but show that to he/she you at least care enough about him/her to see if she/he is having a good day. And if there is someone else you STBX still may not feel as comfortable to talk to that person as they are towards you.

 

And for doing family outings, its A) about the kids and B) it will make your H/W remember the great times you all had together as a family unit. And by not trying to talk about things but to just keep things light and apologize about your short comings. But do not dig into what they feel or expect an apologies for what they did will make things comfortable for them to possible express how they feel without the pressure of have to make a decision of what they want to do. Your actually talking things out without trying to talk things out lol.

 

But going full NC is not going to work out issues if you really don't want to get divorced. So try LC and keep it light if you want to save your marriage.

[health]

If it can work it can work, I see what you're saying. Thing is many get back just cause they know the grass Is n't greener. Its like instead of dealing with the grief and unhappiness and loneliness of divorce, they decide to get back together. They dont get back to live successfully, more out of other reasons. If it can be a success fie, personally if cheating was involved Id never take that person back.

[mid-divorce]

Interesting to read this, as almost all tell me i have no hope.

But we have gone from her hating me, to just recently spending time with me and the kids and getting on. She still says shes happier now, but Im still trying

[SuperGeek]

And who cares if your W/H sleeping with someone else. Sex is sex and love is love IMO. I have always separated the two. Just because you want to sleep with someone doesn't mean you truly love that person. And as for being the one the person cheated on, you need to understand that by going NC you are just validating the other persons feeling that you don't care about them. Because deep down inside passed all the hurt, pain, and resentment you do love that person.

 

This is one of the worst posts I've ever seen. So it's okay for our spouses to cheat on us now? We are at that point in society where we can just excuse this type of destructive behavior just like spilling milk on the floor? What ever happened to marriage vows and promising each other to be faithful? What the hell is going on with society where this type of behavior is excusable? I simply don't understand. Why even have a marriage ceremony and say the vows (promises) to your spouse when it's okay to just go out and violate them?

 

My ex-wife was screwing other men. She clearly didn't give two sh*ts about how I felt and the pain she put me through. NC was used so that I could heal and not throw myself off a go*damn building from the pain I felt from her selfish actions. I was not using NC to get her back at all - it was a protection mechanism to rid my life of a destructive person.

 

It has been nearly 2 and 1/2 years since I have seen my ex and I'm glad she's out of my life. I deserve better and I'm glad I had the balls and the self respect to realize it. Believe it or not there are people out there that won't cheat or screw other people while being married. My parents are one such couple going on 40 years now. Sure sex is sex, but vows are vows and trust is something you can't easily rebuild. I want the woman that wants to be with me, not 15 other guys as well.

 

Some people have open marriages and orgies too, but that isn't what I signed up for. If that floats your boat, whatever. In my world, once they stray, they can stay gone, forever. I can't love someone that screws other guys and puts me through 2 years of emotional and financial hell. How you can... is just beyond me.

 

SuperGeek

Edited January 7, 2013 by SuperGeek