neveragain34 Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 For those of you that were in on my last thread, I finally told the BS about my affair with xMM today. She was very calm and grateful actually and even apologized to me for him hurting me! Is this a normal reaction??? She said he has cheated 17 times that she knows of and is really leaving him this time. (I doubt that if she didn't leave the first 16, but I'm glad I got it off my chest.) She also said he is a very convincing and manipulative man and she understood how I got into the A. She compared him to a child molester who slowly gains the trust of his victims and then uses them as he pleases. I am still in shock, but I am glad she told me all of this. It makes it much easier to move on, knowing that the passion, excitement, love, intensity, etc we shared was not real; he does this all the time and I just fell for it. Perhaps he came into my life so I can learn a lesson and take it with me into future relationships: If it's too good to be true, it probably is. I am excited to see what my future holds, now that I finally feel "free". I have been texting a new guy and we have a date next weekend. So far he seems pretty straight laced and normal; nothing sounds more appealing than that! 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 For those of you that were in on my last thread, I finally told the BS about my affair with xMM today. She was very calm and grateful actually and even apologized to me for him hurting me! Is this a normal reaction??? She said he has cheated 17 times that she knows of and is really leaving him this time. (I doubt that if she didn't leave the first 16, but I'm glad I got it off my chest.) She also said he is a very convincing and manipulative man and she understood how I got into the A. She compared him to a child molester who slowly gains the trust of his victims and then uses them as he pleases. I am still in shock, but I am glad she told me all of this. It makes it much easier to move on, knowing that the passion, excitement, love, intensity, etc we shared was not real; he does this all the time and I just fell for it. Perhaps he came into my life so I can learn a lesson and take it with me into future relationships: If it's too good to be true, it probably is. I am excited to see what my future holds, now that I finally feel "free". I have been texting a new guy and we have a date next weekend. So far he seems pretty straight laced and normal; nothing sounds more appealing than that! OK, so this guy is quite a philanderer. I am a bit worried about you. You are probably susceptible to the BS of players that are smooth. Sometimes women pick the same type of man over and over again. Keep an eye on yourself. Stay away from excessive charm. I like your phrase "If it's too good to be true, it probably is." Figure out why these suave men do not gross you out. Many women don't pay any attention to these men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 She has her reasons to have stayed in the marriage, knowing what she did. Sounds like she doesn't really care that much and is detached. Glad she helped you and most of all, that you are free of it all! Happy living now, never look back! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author neveragain34 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 OK, so this guy is quite a philanderer. I am a bit worried about you. You are probably susceptible to the BS of players that are smooth. Sometimes women pick the same type of man over and over again. Keep an eye on yourself. Stay away from excessive charm. I like your phrase "If it's too good to be true, it probably is." Figure out why these suave men do not gross you out. Many women don't pay any attention to these men. Pierre, you must be a therapist or something! lol You are right in me needing to figure things out. I usually do have bad taste in men, but not the charmers. I fall for ones who treat me poorly and give me the opposite amount of attention/charm that xMM did. He still treated me poorly through his lies, but a different type of poor treatment than I'm used to. I started going to IC earlier this year to finally get to the root of why I was going through jerks. There I learned a lot and gained more confidence. I also lost 40 pounds in the last year from working out so I think that has played into this as well. (I went from a size 12 to 4). How exactly, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm still getting used to the newfound attention that I have been getting and haven't quite figured out how to sort the good and bad. Any thoughts? (I hope that didn't sound vein, but hopefully you know what I meant.) Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 Do you have a problem being alone and/or crave male attention? Why do you need to potentially start new relationship or date right now? Yeah, she is in the throes of a break up and is already dating. I would hate to be the guy dating her. She is not ready for a relationship and needs how to be alone for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neveragain34 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 Do you have a problem being alone and/or crave male attention? Why do you need to potentially start new relationship or date right now? I was alone before xMM and was content with that. I had ended an engagement three years before meeting him and had nothing serious since then. I'm a single mom, never been married, 34, educated (master's degree), own my own home, a great career, and I'm feeling more confident and attractive than ever before. So now that my son was older (he had just turned 15 a couple months before) and felt my life was in a good place, I started looking for someone to share all this with. I met xMM in July and fell for him immediately. He seemed to be everything I was looking for; inside and out. He posed as a single, divorced father, had a good job in the medical field, a nice apt, etc. He was smart, funny, and we had so much in common. I immediately fell for his charm and was his girlfriend in the first week. My son was with his dad for the summer and his wife lived 8 hours away so it was easy to spend so much time with him in the beginning and I never saw any red flags until he went to visit his kids one weekend and communication changed. (I've detailed this in old posts.) Anyway, long story short, fools rushed in and now I realize it was all a sham and based on lie after lie (which he is really good at). Now that I'm single again, why should I pass up other opportunities to meet someone great because of this one bad seed? I have mourned him enough and ready to move on now that I see him for what he really is. I am fine being alone, but I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm ready to share what I have to offer with someone who is deserving of it. This time I will be more cautious, run a background check, and RUN the minute a man says he's never felt this way about anyone else after only knowing me for less than a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 Your story sounds a lot like this MOW who tried to come on to me about this time last year. Not going to hash out all of the details, but she sexted me for weeks and weeks. I told her to stop, i wasn't interested. Anyway fast forward a month or so later and I get a text from her area code so I figured it was her. I said "leave me alone or I am going to tell your husband." Well, it was her husband who texted me. We talked and he said this was par for the course for her. She was a serial cheater and had wrecked many homes. Not sure why he stays with her, but I really didn't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neveragain34 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 Your story sounds a lot like this MOW who tried to come on to me about this time last year. Not going to hash out all of the details, but she sexted me for weeks and weeks. I told her to stop, i wasn't interested. Anyway fast forward a month or so later and I get a text from her area code so I figured it was her. I said "leave me alone or I am going to tell your husband." Well, it was her husband who texted me. We talked and he said this was par for the course for her. She was a serial cheater and had wrecked many homes. Not sure why he stays with her, but I really didn't care. I hope you meant that my xMM reminded you of your xMOW, not me. I definitely don't sext or text him all the time. My xMM's wife said she stayed with him all the other times because she saw it as an addiction and loved him still. Addiction or not, I could not live like that. She is also very religious and said that they pray for him all the time. As an agnostic, I never understand all that and dont agree that "for better or for worse" means allowing your husband to expose you to disease and filth for the rest of your life but thats another discussion thread! lol. This time she says she's leaving for real, but who knows. She texted this morning, asking for advice on what kind of tests to get, saying she doesn't know because she's only been with him and never got tested in the 15 years they were together. I told her that once she tells her doctor that her husband meets women on CL, he will run every test imaginable. I feel really sorry for her and wish I thought of her months ago instead of believing the image he portrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neveragain34 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 Background check or not - you're replacing one man with another in order to make yourself feel better. I have to disagree. I am just going on one date a week from now; not jumping right back into anything serious. I will probably go on many others as well. There's nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy the company of the opposite sex; its human nature. I've learned not to settle for the first man that shows interest. I am taking these last few months of my life as a huge growing lesson and try not to let it damper my opinion of all men from here on out. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 I hope you meant that my xMM reminded you of your xMOW, not me. I definitely don't sext or text him all the time. My xMM's wife said she stayed with him all the other times because she saw it as an addiction and loved him still. Addiction or not, I could not live like that. She is also very religious and said that they pray for him all the time. As an agnostic, I never understand all that and dont agree that "for better or for worse" means allowing your husband to expose you to disease and filth for the rest of your life but thats another discussion thread! lol. This time she says she's leaving for real, but who knows. She texted this morning, asking for advice on what kind of tests to get, saying she doesn't know because she's only been with him and never got tested in the 15 years they were together. I told her that once she tells her doctor that her husband meets women on CL, he will run every test imaginable. I feel really sorry for her and wish I thought of her months ago instead of believing the image he portrayed. I was talking about your MM and the similarties, not you. I was never involved with this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 How about learning to enjoy your OWN company for a while? The right man comes along when you are not looking. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 My x was a serial cheater too. I also offered my sympathy to any OW he hurt. I left him. But some do stay with serial cheaters, hoping they will recover or knowing the marriage isn't threatened. It's not about OW, other sex, or affairs...it's a different and personal problem. Anyway, serial cheaters smell vulnerable women. You want to figure that out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 She said he has cheated 17 times that she knows of and is really leaving him this time. oh, brother. i agree. if she hasn't left him yet, why would she now. i guess you're were just another notch on his belt. how does that feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author neveragain34 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 i guess you're were just another notch on his belt. how does that feel? Actually it feels much better than thinking we had a once in a lifetime romance that I'll never find again. This has made it so much easier to move on. Before knowing this and attempting NC, I was miserable and withering away. Now I am just feel indifferent and think he's pathetic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 For those of you that were in on my last thread, I finally told the BS about my affair with xMM today. She was very calm and grateful actually and even apologized to me for him hurting me! Is this a normal reaction??? I can only speak from my own POV as an x-BS. Is this a normal reaction? I think it can be if the OW/OM in question didn't know the MM/MW was married and were lied to. If an OM had come to me saying he didn't know she was married, I can see myself reacting the same way. Hell I'd ask him if he wants to go out for a beer and chat. Now if he had known about me, and decided to spill the beans later because he then became scorned, I'd tell him to F off, and then tell my wife at the time to F off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Actually it feels much better than thinking we had a once in a lifetime romance that I'll never find again. This has made it so much easier to move on. Before knowing this and attempting NC, I was miserable and withering away. Now I am just feel indifferent and think he's pathetic. That is why a break up with NO HOPE or contact is easier to endure than a break up with frequent contact, hope, and full of "what ifs". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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