My MM chose his wife

[promises]

Please. I would never tell his wife. I know little about her and I don't even know where I'd start if I did want to contact her. He said how she reacted. How they've done nothing but fight and have sex since (same as my husband and I) and his attorneys names etc. Is he really still playing me? I was the one who told him he needs to think about his wife before we ended up together. What do you think?

 

I also said that I'd never tell the W. She thinks we were only emotional. I feel vengeful at times and want to spill the beans, especially after her vengeful actions at me, but, honestly, I'd rather keep all that information under my hat and make sure he knows the rest of his life that I have it and could at any moment tell any number of the many, many people we have in common.

[truthbetold]

Please. I would never tell his wife. I know little about her and I don't even know where I'd start if I did want to contact her. He said how she reacted. How they've done nothing but fight and have sex since (same as my husband and I) and his attorneys names etc. Is he really still playing me? I was the one who told him he needs to think about his wife before we ended up together. What do you think?

 

 

Cute is right. One thing I'm surprised at is how you can believe he may not have been lying. One example, you said you have a thing for a guy that puts his hands on your hips. What does he do the first night you were in bed together supposedly to have a platonic sleeping arrangement? Do you think that was coincidence or more likely he knew what to say to cause you to fall for him? You fed him all the info which he used as ammo to drop your guard. He knew you were vulnerable bc he told you to drop your walls and let him in. Big mistake. Yes he knew how to play you. I wish you peace in healing.

[ow9]

Promises: how long has it been for you? Has your MM contacted you? If not...how do you stop from going absolutely crazy?

[promises]

Promises: how long has it been for you? Has your MM contacted you? If not...how do you stop from going absolutely crazy?

 

Hi, ow9,

 

It's been two months since he told his wife he was in love with me, left her, came to me a few days later and then 'texted' me he was going back to her later that day. (I'm serious).

 

I asked him to never contact me, have some grace.. to which he contacted me 3 weeks later. In those three weeks I felt like I was going to die. That or my heart might ACTUALLY explode.

 

He was 'kicked' out the last I heard trying to go back to her.

 

He then contacted me approx. once a week for a month. I saw him twice, the second time I had enough gumption to ask him straight out what he was doing with me?? He said, 'he didn't know', and he was 'lonely' and missed his life. Huh?

 

Then I heard from him telling me that I was beautiful, then I told him I was going far away for awhile, that I was hurting a great deal from this and was trying desperately to not want him and to figure out 'why' I fell for him in the first place.

 

He responded with a letter stating he was now in 'marriage therapy' and not to respond.

 

A week later I got a random forwarded email.. that was 9 days ago..

 

It won't end until you want the absolute craziness out of your life. Reading this post back to myself, I sound pathetic. But, the truth is, HE MADE ME DOUBT MYSELF because of his control and manipulation of my emotions.

 

I let it happen, yes. But, think about it... we are so anxious about when he'll break NC again.. that's his controlling of emotions, and our previous addiction to it.

[promises]

Promises: how long has it been for you? Has your MM contacted you? If not...how do you stop from going absolutely crazy?

 

It took me deciding to really go NC. That's when the craziness ended. There is extreme pain and rejection I am dealing with everyday still, but, I am getting stronger and that is the truth. Everyday is better for different reasons.

[promises]

the part of the communication and story that's not written above is the 6 months of him telling me all of the right things, making sure I knew I was number 1, and somehow getting me to believe that he wanted to be with me.

 

The hardest part of this now is the realization that IT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

[veryhappy]

Moving out and then back in is one of the worst stabs in the back and it happens a lot. I'm sorry you went through it. If there's any consolotion, I'm sure he loved you to the best of his ability and within the frame of being married. They rarely leave, so he's not special and don't even bother wondering what she has and you don't. It's the title/history/entanglement that matters more. Same story, different people, it plays the same in the majority of cases.

 

His W has to believe he's a gem and the man she married. She's too invested. People are scared of the unknown. She's also in denial, which most BS are. It's too difficult to process that their world changed and their H is not who they thought. He was moving out only for an EA? Oh please. Whatperson who's not emotionally involved in the scenario would believe that?

[ow9]

I honestly don't think I will hear from him again. He's too proud. I feel for you. We should totally have lunch together lol. I am broken. You don't see the lies until it's over with. He said his attorney can see if he calls or texts so he won't. But after it doesn't work with wife he will call then. Wtf.

[promises]

Moving out and then back in is one of the worst stabs in the back and it happens a lot. I'm sorry you went through it. If there's any consolotion, I'm sure he loved you to the best of his ability and within the frame of being married. They rarely leave, so he's not special and don't even bother wondering what she has and you don't. It's the title/history/entanglement that matters more. Same story, different people, it plays the same in the majority of cases.

 

His W has to believe he's a gem and the man she married. She's too invested. People are scared of the unknown. She's also in denial, which most BS are. It's too difficult to process that their world changed and their H is not who they thought. He was moving out only for an EA? Oh please. Whatperson who's not emotionally involved in the scenario would believe that?

 

haha! I love your posts. They are so RIGHT! He said that, too.. 'he had too much invested.' Strangely, I've never once compared her and I. I have never wonder what she has. He was looking elsewhere. I figured (at the time) that whatever it was, wasn't where he was now. Plus, she and I are drastically different.

[promises]

I honestly don't think I will hear from him again. He's too proud. I feel for you. We should totally have lunch together lol. I am broken. You don't see the lies until it's over with. He said his attorney can see if he calls or texts so he won't. But after it doesn't work with wife he will call then. Wtf.

 

You'll hear from him again. Just be stronger. Be fierce.

[ow9]

Right?! Well this ahole will be out of town January through June on business. Thus...he'll probably call in there. He'll be lonely one night. Cause how can he work on his marriage if he isn't even there? Oy. Girl is getting frustrated over here!

[promises]

Right?! Well this ahole will be out of town January through June on business. Thus...he'll probably call in there. He'll be lonely one night. Cause how can he work on his marriage if he isn't even there? Oy. Girl is getting frustrated over here!

 

You're not alone. Sounds like he's avoiding making any decision. Classic. Good news is you can make your own.

[Tenacity]

But, the truth is, HE MADE ME DOUBT MYSELF because of his control and manipulation of my emotions.

 

This is called gaslighting, as you probably know.

 

I don't even know how to describe how much ex-MM did this to me. After several years of it, he even had me doubting myself about completely objective things (like whether or not I did something; things that any person including myself could verify, but he manipulated me to the point that I didn't know what was true anymore). There really is no more horrible feeling than not knowing your own reality.

[whichwayisup]

This is called gaslighting, as you probably know.

 

I don't even know how to describe how much ex-MM did this to me. After several years of it, he even had me doubting myself about completely objective things (like whether or not I did something; things that any person including myself could verify, but he manipulated me to the point that I didn't know what was true anymore). There really is no more horrible feeling than not knowing your own reality.

 

Totally agree. When you give someone that much power over you, a person can make or break your day and manipulate you in ways that will mess you up for a very long time.

 

It hurts, I know but you WILL be okay. Grieve the loss, do all that you can to make it impossible for him to contact you, and if that means changing your home and cell number, do it. Get rid of your email address and create a new one. block him on facebook too. If he contacts you, remember it isn't about you, it's about him and his ego. His heart is not pure nor is it kind or caring.

[promises]

The man didn't move out and leave his wife. He merely left his house for a few hours.

 

Indeed. And after he went back, then he did move out, errr, she kicked him out, errr, who cares. Let them play their games.

[ComingInHot]

Does it bother you to know (cause you wrote it) that he is home, hysteically bonding w/his W while leaving you the "string" of, "I'll contact you when my marriage fails"?

 

That would kill me.

 

I wish I could help.

[promises]

Eventually the pain of being his ego boost will set in and trump the heartache. Right now, take care of yourself. Be gentle on you. Realize that for hours at a time of bliss he gave you, he's also been responsible for encouraging six times that in sorrow.

 

Breathe deeply, and exhale his darkness on your life.

 

(hugs)

[ow9]

I have a question. How don't we (ow/om) ever see this? The guy is married. Three kids. And is 41 years old. Oh my goodness this is sickening. How didnt I see that he was playing me and continues to try to do so even through NC! I found LS yesterday while googling how to get over my MM. Which is pathetic. I found a post where it DID work out. They did end up together. So I posted with desperate hope. But when the ow/om look back...is it even what we really wanted? Anyone WAY over their A that has advice?

[promises]

Someone mentioned the term, and 'gaslighting' to me. It's worth looking up.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm about to turn 27 and my MM is 41. He of course does the 'future faking' asking if i wanted to live together, talking about this baby we don't have. My main problems is we work together, so seeing him everyday makes it hard to say no. In reality, like all of the people posting here to you are saying.... it's not reality. And it's not worth losing ourselves over. Reading your thread has helped me some today when I was having moments of uncertainty again.

I was watching a movie the other night where the ppl were having an affair and the guy wanted to be with her and she said "You are an escape. You’re a break from our normal lives. You’re a parenthesis. "

And it's just.. yeah. We make them our world and we get moments. It's not enough. At least-- it shouldn't be. I'm still trying to find that moment to stand up for myself and tell him no, so I wish you luck with moving on.

[ow9]

Noooooo. Oh this breaks my heart. 41!? What are we DOING?! They never put us first but like you said...it's hard to say no. My MM and I drove around one day looking at houses together. His idea. Real classy, I know. I really hope you don't have to go through what I did...well...and still am. I wrote every detail out in my blog. Maybe read it for some worst case scenario foreshadowing. You're so right...they're just a parentheses. God that's almost poetic. I wish you luck as well. We're too young and too pretty to deal with their crap. I'm learning that slowly...but surely...

[ow9]

Hockeyfan...you're good people. I have hit the point of wondering how his 10% was enough for me. I guess I can just hope when he calls I have the strength to do nothing but laugh on the other end. And I'm thinking at this point he will call someday. Your post really hit me and I don't know why. I may have cried after reading it. I may have. Thank you.

[ow9]

Oh, Lord. I felt like the past year with him was something. Was it? Was it not? What do I do right now?!

[Pink_orchid]

I haven't read all of your thread, but if you want my honest opinion, he's 41, you're 27 and he's messing you about, I think it's a no-brainer, it really is immaterial that he's married, what I mean is take that out of the equation for a moment and look at the other facts, he's 41, you're 27, he's messing you about, so do what you would do with this guy if he were single and the situation was the same - and drop him and don't look back!!

 

Tell him you're not going to be messed about and if he really loves you to come back single and free and if you're single you may date him then, honestly girl, take control back and kick his sorry ass to the curb!!

 

I do think that will help him make his mind up quite quickly**. You in the meantime focus on you!!

 

PS: **How do I know this? Because it works. Not only in my own experience, but in my friend's, she was in the same situation, she got tough, she quit her job, quit her home and took a new job abroad and she left MM behind... next year they will have been married for 20 years.

Edited December 16, 2012 by Pink_orchid

[ow9]

I agree. Although I'm trying to be the better person not contacting him. Do I contact him and let him know? He's with his wife right now. This is killing me.