BetrayedH Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 the best sex is actually in your mind' date=' you connect with someone emotionally and physically - simple as that. We are trying to tell you BS that if you lose that connection, your marriage is in danger. This information is given free. Take it.[/quote'] You might be wise to take some of the free advice you receive as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 Let me let you in on a little secret, 85% of sex us between your ears and not between your legs. Why do you think folks can have sexually gratify themselves without anyone else even being around. Additionally, as has been stated there are no inhibition in this new relationship and in fact both of them may have submitted to the relationship for that very purpose, so naturally it would be good. Also there is no animosity over all the little things that become detractors in a relationship that inhibit sex. Once the affair partners get into a real relationship with all the challenges of life, these things quickly disappear and the new person is no better than the original partner. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Let me let you in on a little secret, 85% of sex us between your ears and not between your legs. Why do you think folks can have sexually gratify themselves without anyone else even being around. Additionally, as has been stated there are no inhibition in this new relationship and in fact both of them may have submitted to the relationship for that very purpose, so naturally it would be good. Also there is no animosity over all the little things that become detractors in a relationship that inhibit sex. Once the affair partners get into a real relationship with all the challenges of life, these things quickly disappear and the new person is no better than the original partner. This is true, even if the affair doesn't progress into a real relationship. If you're just having a passionate affair with an attractive woman for a long time, eventually you get to know the real person and you begin to look at her in a different light. You just get to that point where you get sick and tired of listening to her woes and grievances - it begins to effect your sex life and that's when you know you need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 My exAP wasn't the best sex I ever had. It was good, but when I think about great sex I don't automatically think of our sessions. But it's probably because we also didn't have sex that much. I have no idea if he, however, felt like sex with me was "the best" or better than with his gf. I know he thought it was great but our relationship was never set up as a compare and contrast and foil between me and the "BS". I was emotionally invested and in love so that was great....but just sex that's good sex and sex for sex sake, I've had that with other people that I was not emotionally attached to. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 All sex aside, it seems to me that an affair partner may love you at your best...but a spouse loves you at your worst. Not a connection many seem compelled to give up. I'd give a lot to have that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 ...but a spouse loves you at your worst.. I'm glad you wrote that. This thread could be about the "Wildest" sex or "riskiest" sex... or whatever. But, when I think about some of the best sex I've ever had it didn't need to be a stolen moment of raunchy forbiddenness... I still smile to myself thinking about when my ex was 8 months pregnant and we propped the pillows up behind her just right and she waddled into position... hardly sexy :-) but still great in other loving ways... Rewind a bit more, and I think of the night we decided to get pregnant and we held hands on our way to the bedroom... We had our crazy passionate nights too and I remember stealing a few quickies on our way out the door to a party etc... Yeah, I don't need "suddenly unleashed" "no inhibitions" AFFAIR sex to have great sex. I've had plenty of great sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Maybe I will get lucky tonight for her birthday after this meal. http://congressaustin.com/menus/congress/7course.pdf WOW...very small world... Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 WOW...very small world... Were you there last night? Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Were you there last night? Nope...not last night but very familiar with that place...I'm a fellow ATX-ian...just a little "weird" (if that's the right word) to find out people in an anonymous "infidelity" forum are in your own backyard...your not the only one...and i only started reading here again yesterday after a 6-8 month break...my divorce lawyer told me the other day that she has a lot of clients who live in SR (u might can figure that one out...don't want to give away too much)...also found that a little odd...and un-nerving... Anyway...maybe I'll "see" you around ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Were you there last night? I used to be "Lost_in_d'votion" here but lost the password and had to change names...in case ur reading my back story...I know I do that... Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Since I t/j'd I guess I'll answer the OP now... The physical sex with MOM not all that great...actually had better "physical" sex with STBXH...but the perceived emotional connection, intimacy, and "love" feelings, coupled with anticipation of not being able to see each other that often, made sex with MOM 100% fabulous...sex without love, emotional connection, and intimacy is just sex, just an obligation, and will eventually become unfulfilling (and hard to do) regardless of how many orgasms you have...IME... However right now at the present moment I would say...any sex is better than no sex...hindsight is always 20/20... Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Some of the 'best sex', whatever that means, is when a relationship is new or has the frisson of getting ready to meet knowing there will be sex, the excitement, not having any distractions etc. Saying that, hysterical bonding sure has a lot of great sex too and I imagine must be similar to a lot (not all) of A sex. Great sex has its place in any relationship, personally I think intimacy is a whole different thing altogether. It is often an assumption that those in a long term, day to day relationship cannot and don't have great sex, also an assumption that all A's are about not having sex or even using someone else to meet that need. Isn't it a tadge insulting to imply that all A's are about sex only and by association, that all marriages have bad sex as part of their make up? Sex great or otherwise is only a small part of a relationship,an important part, but not the be and end all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
shame_on_me Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 The lack of inhibitions on both sides certainly plays a large part; we do things we have never done with our spouses. Secondly, my MOW is exceedingly athletic; her strength, stamina, and flexibility are borderline freakish, which provides for a lot of very interesting love making sessions. This is also like my ow, she is extremely flexible and has an athletic body (she's a professional female boxer) and just like yours the positions she can get herself into is something you just haven't imagined before. Extremely sexy. My personal opinion is with ow we would discuss sex a lot and we would tell each other what we haven't done before or what our darkest fantasies are. We would then do them, no awkwardness and no shyness. She tied me up, dominated me, let me do things to her my wife would never allow. She aimed to please me in bed instead of expecting to be pleased, and it was this that I found to be exhilarating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 This is also like my ow, she is extremely flexible and has an athletic body (she's a professional female boxer) and just like yours the positions she can get herself into is something you just haven't imagined before. Extremely sexy. My personal opinion is with ow we would discuss sex a lot and we would tell each other what we haven't done before or what our darkest fantasies are. We would then do them, no awkwardness and no shyness. She tied me up, dominated me, let me do things to her my wife would never allow. She aimed to please me in bed instead of expecting to be pleased, and it was this that I found to be exhilarating. Do you think it's fair to say that the dynamics of an affair make it easier for this to happen? I mean, you kinda internally know that this relationship isn't meant to last and the intent is for no one to know, so why not throw out those darkest fantasies, right? I just think it makes it unfair to compare it to marital sex where your have to deal with that person for the rest of your life. It simply isn't realistic to think that the affair fantasy will continue forever or to expect marital sex to be the same. That said, whomever mentioned hysterical bonding wasn't kidding. There's really something to be said about two married partners being able to explore that uninhibited piece. Some see HB as very unhealthy and I can understand that. But having emotionally and sexually reconnected with my wife in that way was truly an awesome and near magical experience, just very unfortunate that it had to happen in the wake of her affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 I have read several WS's say the best sex was with the OW/OM. I am curious about what made the sex better? Looking back with hindsight(if affair is over), do you now feel it was the affair situation that caused this reaction, or the OW/OM themselves? Feel free to be honest with your answers, as I truly want to know! To be perfectly honest, in my case it was both. It was mostly about her, she is by far the best lover I have ever had. And that has nothing to do with "novelty". We have been together now more than eight years and it gets better and better, and I certainly have no inclination to look for anything "new" or exciting. If it was all, or even mostly, about the "excitement" of the affair, sex with her would long have paled and marital sex would be as stale and boring - and infrequent (if at all) - as what I knew as "marital sex" before she came into my life. No, undoubtedly it is almost entirely to do with her, as a person, as a lover, as my most intimate friend and my most passionate consort. She knows how to unite all the different aspects of me, bringing out the beast in the bedroom if "no holds barred" passionate sex is what we want, or summoning the gentle romantic if tender lovemaking is on the agenda. There is no sense of any aspect of my core self being under threat of rejection from her, no fear that if I don't perform exactly perfectly in the only possible way she stands the remotest chance of arousal (which was not the only possible way she stood the remotest chance of arousal last time) I'll be spurned and derided. I know I'm loved, wanted, desired, and that gives me confidence to immerse myself totally in the act, striving to please her the way she pleases me, relishing the pleasure she gives me as she relishes the pleasure I give her. But in a tiny part it was also originally due to the "transgression" of the affair. Having broken the "rules" by engaging in an affair at all, it seemed a small step to give myself permission to cross all those other lines - to enjoy sex, to enjoy it fully and whole-heartedly, without fear of consequence, to try new things without the threat of rejection, to embrace the experience in ways I had never considered possible. Stepping out of the straitjacket of duty-bound marital sex was liberating in itself. There were no obligations attached - I did not have to fear disappointing her, or offending her, or amusing her. If things did not work out between us we could simply go our own ways and laugh it off as a single night of passion that was fun but best forgotten. We would not have to face each other over burned toast and recriminations in the morning, or steep in the slow simmering hostility following "not having done it right". In the beginning, that did make an enormous difference. The rewards could be so high exactly because, right at the very outset, the stakes were so low. I did worry a little that once we were living together, married, settled, things might start to pale a little, or that we would start to take our passion or each other for granted, but none of that has happened. Instead our intimacy has grown, and continues to grow, while our passion remains unabated. When you find true compatibility, and foster it in a climate of love and respect, remembering how special it is, the flame only burns brighter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Let me let you in on a little secret, 85% of sex us between your ears and not between your legs. Why do you think folks can have sexually gratify themselves without anyone else even being around. Additionally, as has been stated there are no inhibition in this new relationship and in fact both of them may have submitted to the relationship for that very purpose, so naturally it would be good. Also there is no animosity over all the little things that become detractors in a relationship that inhibit sex. Once the affair partners get into a real relationship with all the challenges of life, these things quickly disappear and the new person is no better than the original partner. Not even remotely true! That might perhaps be the case if the new partner morphed into the old one in other ways too, becoming malicious or withdrawn or whatever emotional disconnect happened in the previous relationship. But if the new partner remains true to their authentic self, and the new relationship retains its own character and dynamic rather than morphing into the old discarded marriage, there is absolutely no reason why it should start to resemble the discarded marriage in that particular aspect. Certainly in my experience it has been the exact opposite! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
shame_on_me Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 No it is not fair, but my wife simply is not adventurous in bed she never has been and I didn't think I was either until my A where my eyes were opened and I realised I was more adventurous than I ever imagined. Yes of course it is very unfair to compare the 2 but my ow made it her duty to find out everything I liked sexually she asked if I liked this or that, if i was unsure we would experiment. The woman basically made it her mission to please me, something that I have never experienced before. You will now say I should try these things with my wife but I can guarantee you she will not allow it, over the years I have tried several different positions with her and she point blank refuses she said that she felt uncomfortable. And that is perfectly ok with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Besides it being a new person, I think a big part of it is that the APs can be completely uninhibited. This isn't someone that's going to meet their parents or their friends, there are no other life issues to worry about negotiating with them, it isn't permanent, in fact it is supposed to be temporary, they can't tell anyone how crazy I was in bed - so I am just going to go for whatever crazy fantasy fulfillment I can while I have the chance. That was not an issue at all. My lover met my family and friends, and it was pretty clear to them how close we were physically. My parents were really pleased I'd found someone I could share such intimacy with, and my father had a long talk to me about how very important that was. My sister bought us gifts from the Ann Summers catalogue. There was no shame about sex! They were simply happy that I was happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 My personal opinion is with ow we would discuss sex a lot and we would tell each other what we haven't done before or what our darkest fantasies are. We would then do them, no awkwardness and no shyness. She tied me up, dominated me, let me do things to her my wife would never allow. She aimed to please me in bed instead of expecting to be pleased, and it was this that I found to be exhilarating. This is why you get better sex with the posow. If you talked this way with your BW you would get to better sex at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 This is why you get better sex with the posow. If you talked this way with your BW you would get to better sex at home. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Simply speaking to someone the way you speak to another does not automatically transform them into the other, nor the relationship you have with them into the relationship you have with the other. I had attempted many such conversations with my ex-wife over the decades. She was not only not receptive to such discussions, she was actively opposed to them, and she made it clear that my fantasies had no place in my head, never mind in our relationship. Perhaps Shame will have better luck with his wife, but the assumption that what works with one woman will work with another is patently false. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
shame_on_me Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Simply speaking to someone the way you speak to another does not automatically transform them into the other, nor the relationship you have with them into the relationship you have with the other. I had attempted many such conversations with my ex-wife over the decades. She was not only not receptive to such discussions, she was actively opposed to them, and she made it clear that my fantasies had no place in my head, never mind in our relationship. Perhaps Shame will have better luck with his wife, but the assumption that what works with one woman will work with another is patently false. I have to agree with this, I have had many conversations with my wife over the years regarding sex, a lot of things disgust her and she has adamantly refused to try anything new. My ex ow was very open about sex and loves to try new things, if she doesn't like it she will say and we try something else. One of the things I will never forget Is watching "explicit" material with her she admitted that she enjoys watching it on her own and wanted to experience watching it with me. My wife thinks its disgusting. Maybe it's age thing my ow being almost 20 years younger and has grown up in a world more open to sex than my wife did. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 I think you might be surprised what hysterical bonding does. It doesn't happen with everyone (just like Radagast's story doesn't happen with everyone) but in my case, my WSs affair woke us both up. We both lost our inhibitions and the sex was of the charts. It may very well be possible that your wife will have the same reaction to her wake-up call should she ever be given the privledge of fighting for her marriage. You'll never know if you keep lying to her and you're very likely to just keep comparing your W to your OW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) Affair sex is almost always better. Paradoxically those that have great affair sex almost always have mundane, infrequent boring sex at home with the spouse. It seems affair folks are only good in the sac with the lover and very poor lovers when in long term relationship I will admit that I usually have "mundane, infrequent boring sex" at home; however it's been like that with my H since the beginning. And I've never enjoyed kissing (H or anyone). Over the years, I've concluded that I must just have a low sex drive. Until xMM...our first times were really good, not mindblowing, but you could tell we didn't know each others styles & preferences. Then every time just got more & more amazing. I ached to (&did) kiss him for hours. Our bodies fit together more naturally than with H. I don't know if this was because it was "new" because honestly, I can't remember ever feeling this physically responsive to my H. I was attracted to xMM the first time I saw him, but because we're in different states, all the hours & days of talking and foreplay definitely contributed to the rush once we could finally physically touch each other. I'm really struggling with this now that my As over, and I'm really making an effort to get this excitement & attraction with my H. Sometimes I feel like I'll never feel that again in my lifetime. In fact, I actually silently cried myself to sleep last night wondering if this is how it's going to be for the next 50 years. Edited December 17, 2012 by BrokenPrincess autocorrect issues Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 Everyone falls all over themselves trying to overthink everything. Guess what, some people are better at sex than others. As you have grown older it becomes much easier to discern. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 17, 2012 Share Posted December 17, 2012 And only those that are good at sex have affairs.:D:D Those that are not good in the sac need not apply.:cool: Those that are really good in the sack don't need affairs for excitement. Want excitement? Be exciting! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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