sex in affairs

[seren]

I wonder if people think back to their early days sex life with their long term partners if they would say the sex was bad, if so, why they stuck around. Comparing sex is, IMHO, distasteful to both the BS and the AP. There are so many painful threads from BS and from AP's who discover that what they thought was special boiled down to how good or bad or indifferent the sex was in the relationship.

 

Not all A's are about sex, not all BS are frigid and unadventurous and not all AP are defined by how good they are at sex. Unless great sex is about self gratification it takes two to make a great sex life and I wonder what or how the WS does to understand when and if the BS no longer finds them attractive. If a BS isn't interested it always seems to be that the onus for this is on them, maybe, just maybe it is something the WS needs to address.

[sayyes19]

I wonder if people think back to their early days sex life with their long term partners if they would say the sex was bad, if so, why they stuck around. Comparing sex is, IMHO, distasteful to both the BS and the AP. There are so many painful threads from BS and from AP's who discover that what they thought was special boiled down to how good or bad or indifferent the sex was in the relationship.

 

Not all A's are about sex, not all BS are frigid and unadventurous and not all AP are defined by how good they are at sex. Unless great sex is about self gratification it takes two to make a great sex life and I wonder what or how the WS does to understand when and if the BS no longer finds them attractive. If a BS isn't interested it always seems to be that the onus for this is on them, maybe, just maybe it is something the WS needs to address.

 

My sex life in high school wasn't great compared to now, but it was great back then. I understand that being a man I have an advantage as I can get mine a lot easier, but I'm pretty sure she acted like she was more into it than I was.

[BetrayedH]

Yes there are a lot of positives on cheating.

 

1) You can be happier if you go into an A and then divorce, the security of knowing that you can attract someone else is a boost to the ego and self image and esteem.

2) Cheating sometimes gives the BH or BW the momentum to make changes and also

3) Sometimes makes the WS realize what it may lose and returns home to put more effort in the relationship.

 

Not all situations are the same but there are advantages and disadvantages in all situations..

 

Glass Half Empty or Half Full ???

 

I would have preferred to be dead than to have what happened to me take place. There is no positive spin. Even those that have fully and happily reconciled most certainly agree that they wish this wasn't part of their history and that they will never forget or have blind trust in their spouse ever again. Dropping a nuke on a small fire never has a positive benefit. It's just dumb.

[Steadfast]

I really really hate to say this. Affair sex is the best sex I've ever had...I'll tell you something...brings it to a whole other level when you just don't give a f...It was a fantasy...So, they really enjoyed that but further...gave it their all...plenty of time spent getting ready, at the salons, shopping...It was the darkest period of my life.

 

Honest answer. And it's one that I knew, deep down when I asked my dear ex wifey the question. It felt like getting stabbed as she turned away, eyes drifting off and not answering. That's worse than a graphic, illustrated description. It truly adds insult to injury. You can't compete.

 

Oh...but that street goes both ways my Loveshack friends.

 

After a year or so with my sweetheart and out of the blue, my 'passionate' ex saw fit to grill me on my happiness. Waiting at my home and while I was unloading groceries. Not trying to grind my heel, I simply gave her a questioning look. See, that's none of her business. All it took was a slight shaking of my head to send her away; stomping in anger to her car. Wow.

 

Nothing as superficial as sexual enjoyment is so important, is it? More than that is the realization it doesn't make you happy. Not long term anyway. Fact is, compared to real, lasting love, it pales significantly.

Edited December 20, 2012 by Steadfast

[GorillaTheater]

Always empty when cheating is involved.

 

I'll go with option #3:

 

Half full, half empty... I think this is piss. | LOLROFLMAOLOLROFLMAO

[nofool4u]

Yes there are a lot of positives on cheating.

 

1) You can be happier if you go into an A and then divorce, the security of knowing that you can attract someone else is a boost to the ego and self image and esteem.

 

Thats a positive for the cheater, not the betrayed. I'm talking about for the cheater, or the relationship as a whole.

 

 

2) Cheating sometimes gives the BH or BW the momentum to make changes and also

 

Thats called emotional extortion. The BH/BW can cowtow to the cheater and yes, change, but then the cheater has given the BS a horrible memory to relive from time to time. Nothing positive about that.

 

Besides what you described is the cheater getting their way, as if the cheater now doesn't have to change or bend over backwards to right their wrong.

 

 

3) Sometimes makes the WS realize what it may lose and returns home to put more effort in the relationship.

 

Again, not a positive. This requires betraying and hurting someone to come to that realization. Not a positive.

[Charlie Harper]

I did not realize that some people here have open wounds about affairs they had or were cheated on.

My advice is stop posting here and get counseling, its not therapeutic to chew and re'chew on the past and trying to find closure on things that were not in your hands.

 

I have been in the betrayed side and as I put in another thread I did not have the slightest of clues she was in an Affir for 18 months and also she entered counseling without my knowledge, so before someone tells me here I have not seen that movie or be in that place think again.

 

If you dont forgive and regain your spouse or rearm your relationship BY ALL MEANS GET DIVORCED and DONT LOOK BACK.

Good things can come from affairs, for example there are a lot of women abused by a controlling husband and a aggressive partner, and getting in an Affair gives them the chance to find someone different, have another perspective and outlook, and get divorced from an abusive partner, the other way around is the same, if you have a great husband or wife but had never another relationship (think of high school sweetheart who marry) and then have an affair and see that you have a great husband or Wife you return home to fix things ....

 

I know because I have been there and I have seen it on my practice, a lot of times.

[Decorative]

I did not realize that some people here have open wounds about affairs they had or were cheated on.

My advice is stop posting here and get counseling, its not therapeutic to chew and re'chew on the past and trying to find closure on things that were not in your hands.

 

I have been in the betrayed side and as I put in another thread I did not have the slightest of clues she was in an Affir for 18 months and also she entered counseling without my knowledge, so before someone tells me here I have not seen that movie or be in that place think again.

 

If you dont forgive and regain your spouse or rearm your relationship BY ALL MEANS GET DIVORCED and DONT LOOK BACK.

Good things can come from affairs, for example there are a lot of women abused by a controlling husband and a aggressive partner, and getting in an Affair gives them the chance to find someone different, have another perspective and outlook, and get divorced from an abusive partner, the other way around is the same, if you have a great husband or wife but had never another relationship (think of high school sweetheart who marry) and then have an affair and see that you have a great husband or Wife you return home to fix things ....

 

I know because I have been there and I have seen it on my practice, a lot of times.

 

Most of us have had therapy, and see these forums as a way of paying it forward to other people, because we were helped at low points in our lives. There's a recent thread here that e plains the why of many posters. It's pretty cool to read the insights. You may want to check it out.

 

And what you are suggesting falls into the category of rugsweeping, and no thank you on that. By not processing things, or making them verboten- you give them power they should not have.

 

Think of it more like exposure therapy- which is what we did in my counseling for PTSD after all this. We explored and repeated and made the events almost seem common because she taught me to expose myself to the stressors repeatedly and then manage it properly.

 

I am sorry you were cheated on, beforehand. I am not sure what your profession is- but you are pretty closed off to the process a lot of people go through in handling this. and that's okay. But please don't presume that we haven't worked on or own situations or that we are harming ourselves.

 

It's quite the opposite, in most cases. You got a reaction to your list of positives because for most people- they don't ring authentic. I am happy you find peace in framing it that way- but I thought you wrote that list as a joke. I am surprised it was serious.

Edited December 20, 2012 by Decorative

[drifter777]

I did not realize that some people here have open wounds about affairs they had or were cheated on.

My advice is stop posting here and get counseling, its not therapeutic to chew and re'chew on the past and trying to find closure on things that were not in your hands.

 

I have been in the betrayed side and as I put in another thread I did not have the slightest of clues she was in an Affir for 18 months and also she entered counseling without my knowledge, so before someone tells me here I have not seen that movie or be in that place think again.

 

If you dont forgive and regain your spouse or rearm your relationship BY ALL MEANS GET DIVORCED and DONT LOOK BACK.

Good things can come from affairs, for example there are a lot of women abused by a controlling husband and a aggressive partner, and getting in an Affair gives them the chance to find someone different, have another perspective and outlook, and get divorced from an abusive partner, the other way around is the same, if you have a great husband or wife but had never another relationship (think of high school sweetheart who marry) and then have an affair and see that you have a great husband or Wife you return home to fix things ....

 

I know because I have been there and I have seen it on my practice, a lot of times.

 

Most BS's that post here have been or are currently in counseling so you shouldn't make assumptions about this. You also make the blanket statement that "its not therapeutic to chew and re'chew on the past and trying to find closure on things that were not in your hands". Even if it is true for a majority of cases, some people need an outlet where they can vent until they are ready to try a more therapeutic approach. Others never get over the need to vent and seek reassurance that there are others out there just like them and that makes them feel better.

 

 

As far as your position regarding "forgiveness or divorce", what about those BS's who remain committed to their children after d-day so choose to stay together for the sake of the kids without consideration of forgiveness? Can you say they are wrong?

 

Isn't forgiveness something a WS earns over time? How long after d-day should the BS wait until deciding they can't forgive so it's time to divorce?

 

I agree that an "exit affair" might be the only way a spouse can end a truly bad marriage so can end up being very beneficial to a particular person, but this is simply a means to an end and not the method most professionals would advise. You seem like an intelligent person and clearly have some strong opinions regarding infidelity, but you need to re-evaluate your one-size-fits-all approach because every situation is different.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

I agree that an "exit affair" might be the only way a spouse can end a truly bad marriage so can end up being very beneficial to a particular person,

 

.

 

 

I can't see a situation where an exit affair would be a good idea. In a physically abusive relationship the person having the affair would be putting their safety and even life in danger. In even just a verbally abusive relationship the WS would be degrading themselves and starting a relationship that, if it became long term, would forever be overshadowed with doubts b/c of how it began. An exit affair is always a selfish act showing moral turpitude and weakness. It is a pathetic way to end a relationship and could only be seen as beneficial to the WS in the most shortsighted and shallow terms.

[Steadfast]

Most BS's that post here have been or are currently in counseling so you shouldn't make assumptions about this. You also make the blanket statement that "its not therapeutic to chew and re'chew on the past and trying to find closure on things that were not in your hands". Even if it is true for a majority of cases, some people need an outlet where they can vent until they are ready to try a more therapeutic approach.

 

Counseling is not the end all. Check around to find a good one. Not easy.

 

I'm well past the 'hurt' and post experiences to make an example. It's good to know where one can stand three, four years later. It's a lot clearer now.

[nofool4u]

BSs make the mistake of thinking that affairs are all about sex' date=' IT AINT, NOT ALWAYS! this information is given for free[/quote']

 

No, we don't make that mistake at all. Maybe some of us.

 

But the rest of us simply don't care it its about sex, emotions, whatever. All we care about, those like me anyway, is that the affair happened.

[drifter777]

I can't see a situation where an exit affair would be a good idea. In a physically abusive relationship the person having the affair would be putting their safety and even life in danger. In even just a verbally abusive relationship the WS would be degrading themselves and starting a relationship that, if it became long term, would forever be overshadowed with doubts b/c of how it began. An exit affair is always a selfish act showing moral turpitude and weakness. It is a pathetic way to end a relationship and could only be seen as beneficial to the WS in the most shortsighted and shallow terms.

 

What I said was:

 

I agree that an "exit affair" might be the only way a spouse can end a truly bad marriage so can end up being very beneficial to a particular person, but this is simply a means to an end and not the method most professionals would advise.

 

I think it's a selfish, disgusting thing to do as well but I understand there are no absolutes and anything a woman can do to escape an abusive relationship is ok by me. As I said, no counselor would advise this course of action but it could be a way out for some.

[Charlie Harper]

No counselor would encourage cheating that is for sure, but most of the time conseling happens because one S has been cheating or is in an emotional relationship.

 

This thread is about sex in affair and has morphed into why cheating is bad 100% of the time. I am not convinced that blanket statement is true, there are always different situations, but if I put that there are some good parts I am accused of blanket statements!!!.

 

Every case is different and I have seen people do would and WILL never let got the hurt, the pain and the anger at the A and the S. Poison is only bad to the container it holds. And anger its poison.

[CantgetoveritNY]

What I said was:

 

I agree that an "exit affair" might be the only way a spouse can end a truly bad marriage

 

I think it's a selfish, disgusting thing to do as well but ....

 

Anyone can find a better way to exit than to degrade themselves by doing something selfish and disgusting.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

A lot of interesting takes. I always thought that the majority of affairs is all about the sex, particularly for the male. Yep, absolutely no stats, but for 90% of men it is because they crave the sex they no longer have at home (and most probably had it early in their relationship) or no longer find their spouse "physically" attractive. Sorry women go into mommy mode and gain weight (and yes I am superficial). They simply think that their spouse's put up with them and give them just enough to get them off their back.

 

Women for the most part want it all, the emotional connection (usually missing at home) and to be looked at as a sexual being and not have the pressures of home (Kids, meals, cleaning).

 

I also think and again anecdotal that women just won't express what they want or let go with their spouses.

[beenburned]

Glad you made it to the party!

 

However, I disagree with your assumption that the H cheats because the W let herself go after having children or doesn't give H all the sex he craves!

 

Many beautiful women get cheated on by their H's even if they have a regular sex life!

 

A lot of the time the problem is within the WS due to many reasons that have nothing to do with the W/H!

 

The WS needs to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions! Cheating on a spouse does nothing to help the marriage, only destroys it.

If the spouse was so unhappy, they could simply file for a divorce instead of hurting so many people unnecessarily by cheating.

 

I started this thread to try and understand why WS/OW/OM thought that their affair sex was better than the sex they had with their spouse.(not why they cheated in the first place)

[CantgetoveritNY]

Glad you made it to the party!

 

However, I disagree with your assumption that the H cheats because the W let herself go after having children or doesn't give H all the sex he craves!

 

Many beautiful women get cheated on by their H's even if they have a regular sex life!

 

A lot of the time the problem is within the WS due to many reasons that have nothing to do with the W/H!

 

The WS needs to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions! Cheating on a spouse does nothing to help the marriage, only destroys it.

If the spouse was so unhappy, they could simply file for a divorce instead of hurting so many people unnecessarily by cheating.

 

I started this thread to try and understand why WS/OW/OM thought that their affair sex was better than the sex they had with their spouse.(not why they cheated in the first place)

 

And to further disagree with the new poster, many women (or men) in happy marriages get sucked into affairs. No one is immune. Except those of us that have been vaccinated by being the BS.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Glad you made it to the party!

 

However, I disagree with your assumption that the H cheats because the W let herself go after having children or doesn't give H all the sex he craves!

 

Many beautiful women get cheated on by their H's even if they have a regular sex life!

 

A lot of the time the problem is within the WS due to many reasons that have nothing to do with the W/H!

 

The WS needs to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions! Cheating on a spouse does nothing to help the marriage, only destroys it.

If the spouse was so unhappy, they could simply file for a divorce instead of hurting so many people unnecessarily by cheating.

 

I started this thread to try and understand why WS/OW/OM thought that their affair sex was better than the sex they had with their spouse.(not why they cheated in the first place)

 

 

No those are the serial cheaters & narcissists, that I always exclude from my `hypothesis`

[Toodamnpragmatic]

And to further disagree with the new poster, many women (or men) in happy marriages get sucked into affairs. No one is immune. Except those of us that have been vaccinated by being the BS.

 

Again you get sucked in when you are unhappy and the sex or emotional connection is missing. Sorry Happy marriages are immune from cheating.

[Decorative]

No those are the serial cheaters & narcissists, that I always exclude from my `hypothesis`

 

You should read up on Fisher, Pittman, Glass and Vaughn.

 

They have done the research that disproves your hypothesis.

 

I wish my spouse's affair had been about lack of sex. Seriously. Because then I could have done something about it. But we were having plenty of sex, I haven't let myself go in the slightest, and in an irony which still smarts- I was giving more to the relationship than he was. It's called over benefitting . And way too many betrayed spouses have my story.

 

Lots of sex and keeping yourself in shape and paying attention to your spouse isn't an inoculation against an affair. You cannot control another person or affair proof your relationship.

 

It would be nice if that were true, but it's just not.

[Decorative]

Again you get sucked in when you are unhappy and the sex or emotional connection is missing. Sorry Happy marriages are immune from cheating.

 

Oy. That's what you wish, but wishing doesn't make it so. That's what people tell themselves to protect themselves from the reality that it can happen, even in happy marriages. And that's scary.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Oy. That's what you wish, but wishing doesn't make it so. That's what people tell themselves to protect themselves from the reality that it can happen, even in happy marriages. And that's scary.

 

Yes it happens in some happy marriages, however more often then not it is because it is not happy.

 

Sorry for what happened Decorative. You`re telling me you had plenty of sex, your appearance has remained the same and your husband isn`t a serial cheater or narcissist. Of course he is!!!!

[Decorative]

Yes it happens in some happy marriages, however more often then not it is because it is not happy.

 

Sorry for what happened Decorative. You`re telling me you had plenty of sex, your appearance has remained the same and your husband isn`t a serial cheater or narcissist. Of course he is!!!!

 

Yes. And he is not a serial cheater nor is he a narcissist. He had issues unrelated to me or our marriage that caused him to cheat. It would be awesome if I had influence over his bad decisions. But it doesn't work that way.

 

I understand some people need to believe otherwise. But it is what it is.

 

And I actually look better now than I did when we met. So I guess my appearance has changed. For the better. LOL

Edited December 28, 2012 by Decorative

[Decorative]

Yes it happens in some happy marriages, however more often then not it is because it is not happy.

 

Sorry for what happened Decorative. You`re telling me you had plenty of sex, your appearance has remained the same and your husband isn`t a serial cheater or narcissist. Of course he is!!!!

 

Please read up on affairs. Your ignorance on the subject is going to upset people who don't know enough of affair psychology to see what you are doing, or how wrong you are.

 

Start with Pittman in Psychology Today. It's a good primer.