Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Please read up on affairs. Your ignorance on the subject is going to upset people who don't know enough of affair psychology to see what you are doing, or how wrong you are. Start with Pittman in Psychology Today. It's a good primer. Yep I'm ignorant...... But you aren't answering the question. Are you claiming your spouse wasn't a narcissist/serial cheater????? I will take back the happy part if that makes you happy???? And because you asked I'll read Pittman. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Again you get sucked in when you are unhappy and the sex or emotional connection is missing. Sorry Happy marriages are immune from cheating. I believe this if they're both happy. However, the more I read about the BS perspective the more I believe it's possible to have one spouse skipping along perfectly happy with the status quo while the other one is silently miserable... so the "happy marriage" depends on which spouse's perspective you're talking about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 (edited) Yep I'm ignorant...... But you aren't answering the question. Are you claiming your spouse wasn't a narcissist/serial cheater????? I will take back the happy part if that makes you happy???? And because you asked I'll read Pittman. I did answer the question. You can look above and see my previous answer. My spouse is not a serial cheater or a narcissist. Not a claim- it's the truth. He does have a high functioning personality disorder, which he has sought help for now. But he is not a narcissist. Or a serial cheater. The Pittman article is titled Beyond Betrayal. Edited December 28, 2012 by Decorative Link to post Share on other sites
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Yep I'm ignorant...... But you aren't answering the question. Are you claiming your spouse wasn't a narcissist/serial cheater????? I will take back the happy part if that makes you happy???? And because you asked I'll read Pittman. Do read Pittman. It is interesting. I should not have said "happy" marriages. Maybe good, healthy marriages. A good moral person can get seduced into cheating even if they are in the best of marriages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I've read Pittman. He's hilarious. "Marriage is not supposed to make people happy; it is supposed to make people married, so they don't have to date, and are thus free to lead productive, useful, gratifing lives." (Pittman) He's amazing! Imagine, you don't automatically keep the butterflies in the stomach in a long term relationship, the open and authentic communication, the intimacy and the passion UNLESS you put the effort into it every, single, day.....the two of you.....for life. What a concept! It is so down-to-earth and realistic, it has all the romantics running and screaming for the hills. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I believe this if they're both happy. However, the more I read about the BS perspective the more I believe it's possible to have one spouse skipping along perfectly happy with the status quo while the other one is silently miserable... so the "happy marriage" depends on which spouse's perspective you're talking about. Bingo! We have a winner! Couple that with low self-esteem, poor communication and coping skills, and conflict-avoidance, yep, we have the makings of many a WS. She wasn't younger, thinner or prettier. She wasn't more intelligent, richer, or more sexual. She was vulnerable, needy, and dropped her life on a dime to lavish him with attention and tell him how wonderful he was and how I really didn't appreciate him like she did, she would, if he were her's alone. WTH? I was working 3 jobs and moving kids to college; taking care of elderly parents (his and mine). No one was telling me how wonderful I was either; showering me with attention. Did they have a lot of sex? Of course the did! But we did too. Always had, have, do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I did answer the question. You can look above and see my previous answer. My spouse is not a serial cheater or a narcissist. Not a claim- it's the truth. He does have a high functioning personality disorder, which he has sought help for now. But he is not a narcissist. Or a serial cheater. The Pittman article is titled Beyond Betrayal. Sorry..... Missed it.... Of course I forgot to add "a personality disorder"..... How convenient. Really you're telling me your CHEATING HUSBAND couldn't help himself due to a "personality disorder". Actually my wife too thinks I have one..... Reading and Posting on LS:laugh: Yes you work at a marriage everyday and there are ups and downs. But yep for men it is mainly about having someone to talk to and aving awesome sex as opposed to having to beg or think of it as some reward...... There is a reason prostitutes now offer the GFE (Girl Friend Experience), not the WE (Wife Experience).... Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Sorry..... Missed it.... Of course I forgot to add "a personality disorder"..... How convenient. Really you're telling me your CHEATING HUSBAND couldn't help himself due to a "personality disorder". Actually my wife too thinks I have one..... Reading and Posting on LS:laugh: Yes you work at a marriage everyday and there are ups and downs. But yep for men it is mainly about having someone to talk to and aving awesome sex as opposed to having to beg or think of it as some reward...... There is a reason prostitutes now offer the GFE (Girl Friend Experience), not the WE (Wife Experience).... Oh- he most certainly and absolutely could have not made his decisions. He chose to behave horribly. His choice. He could have acted differently. He did not. He gets no passes from me. You'll never find a single word written or spoken by me that excuses his behavior. But him learning why he made those choices was critical to our decision to reconcile. Without that- no way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Sorry..... Missed it.... Of course I forgot to add "a personality disorder"..... How convenient. Really you're telling me your CHEATING HUSBAND couldn't help himself due to a "personality disorder". Actually my wife too thinks I have one..... Reading and Posting on LS:laugh: Yes you work at a marriage everyday and there are ups and downs. But yep for men it is mainly about having someone to talk to and aving awesome sex as opposed to having to beg or think of it as some reward...... There is a reason prostitutes now offer the GFE (Girl Friend Experience), not the WE (Wife Experience).... Yup... the "girlfriend experience" sometimes comes with a bonus STD, wow...seems that some men are very willing to pay someone to pretend that they're your girlfriend and tell you how amazing you are:D basically the John is paying someone to lie to them...whereas the "wife experience" would include the truth and hookers aren't paid for that...lol 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Really a 1993 article based on tired anecdotes and this was supposed to teach me something? Sorry much has changed in 20 years. Funny he did however hit the nail on the head with philanderers, serial cheaters and narcissists. Look every affair has it's reasons and people rationalize it however they want. As this thread however did morph, I think the majority sure made the sex sound really really good!!!!!!:rolleyes: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Really a 1993 article based on tired anecdotes and this was supposed to teach me something? Sorry much has changed in 20 years. Some truths are timeless. I think the majority sure made the sex sound really really good!!!!!!:rolleyes: Some idiots are obvious. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Really a 1993 article based on tired anecdotes and this was supposed to teach me something? Sorry much has changed in 20 years. Funny he did however hit the nail on the head with philanderers, serial cheaters and narcissists. Look every affair has it's reasons and people rationalize it however they want. As this thread however did morph, I think the majority sure made the sex sound really really good!!!!!!:rolleyes: If the sex is that good why is it many WS's do not up and leave to be with the amazing soulmate sex partner:D oh yeah...they can't leave because their a martyr and they love the children. Funny that when the affair is exposed and the WS is kicked to the curb to live happily ever after with the OW/OM the amazing affair sex goes psssst.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 ...or if the OW/OM is kicked to the curb, the WS suddenly becomes, in their mind, some horrible person. I believe that OW/OM don't realize if the WS can lie to their spouse they can also lie to them. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Really a 1993 article based on tired anecdotes and this was supposed to teach me something? Sorry much has changed in 20 years. Funny he did however hit the nail on the head with philanderers, serial cheaters and narcissists. Look every affair has it's reasons and people rationalize it however they want. As this thread however did morph, I think the majority sure made the sex sound really really good!!!!!!:rolleyes: It was last peer reviewed at the end of November, 2012. Not much has changed, actually. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 If the sex is that good why is it many WS's do not up and leave to be with the amazing soulmate sex partner:D oh yeah...they can't leave because their a martyr and they love the children. Funny that when the affair is exposed and the WS is kicked to the curb to live happily ever after with the OW/OM the amazing affair sex goes psssst.... Yup. I told mine to go with her. He could not get back to me fast enough. LOL 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beenburned Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 I just noticed that my thread has stars! It has been an interesting read even if it took off in another direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 People will try to pick apart any material that doesn't align with what they want to believe. True dat. True dat. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 It was last peer reviewed at the end of November, 2012. Not much has changed, actually. It's an opinion piece--a professional opinion, based on his years of professional practice, but an opinion nonetheless. The article cites no research, and presents no research to be peer reviewed. That said, I do personally believe a lot of what the author says was and still is true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 (edited) It's an opinion piece--a professional opinion, based on his years of professional practice, but an opinion nonetheless. The article cites no research, and presents no research to be peer reviewed. That said, I do personally believe a lot of what the author says was and still is true. It's based on his book- which has the information you mention. You might wish to read it. And the editorial staff at Psychology Today reviews it for accuracy, periodically. To make sure it isn't outdated or incorrect. That article is a jumping off primer for the basics of affair psych. There are many more expanded and annotated sources out there that back it up. His book is a great place to start, as is Glass's Not Just Friends. Helen Fisher and Peggy Vaughn also have great books with lots of information, as does Linda McDonald. I'm a nerd from way back. I understand the importance of peer review and accuracy. I'd never post anything that wasn't able to be confirmed or expanded upon- but it's hard to get a person to sit down a read a book, mid thread. It's easier to read a summary/primer, and hope they follow up with the actual tomes. Edited December 28, 2012 by Decorative 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 It's based on his book- which has the information you mention. You might wish to read it. And the editorial staff at Psychology Today reviews it for accuracy, periodically. To make sure it isn't outdated or incorrect. That article is a jumping off primer for the basics of affair psych. There are many more expanded and annotated sources out there that back it up. His book is a great place to start, as is Glass's Not Just Friends. Helen Fisher and Peggy Vaughn also have great books with lots of information, as does Linda McDonald. I'm a nerd from way back. I understand the importance of peer review and accuracy. I'd never post anything that wasn't able to be confirmed or expanded upon- but it's hard to get a person to sit down a read a book, mid thread. It's easier to read a summary/primer, and hope they follow up with the actual tomes. Just as LS was an invaluable source of info from people who had lived through infidelity, Glass, Vaughn, Pittman, and Fisher spoke of their expertise after treating 1000s of couples who were trying to heal from infidelity. I liked their assessments and evaluations a helluva lot more than studies conducted among college students. As I have read here many times, stats lies, people don't tell the truth, how can you really know that's true....blah, blah, blah... I think I can trust the wisdom from four Psychs that have treated 1000s of people who sought them out for healing. I assume in that sitch, they were in pain and told the truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Hmmm, yes perspective is everything. It's amazing how many WS suddenly go from "silently miserable" back to "happy" . . . once they get caught. Sounds like my dad. Who cries and says his happiest times is with my mom and our family, when he gets caught. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 That's because most of these people who go on and on about "romance" and "soulemates" and such don't want to put in the effort. They just want it to fall into their lap, and when they don't get that, they move on to the next person. Woops! There's those butterflies again! "Ooooo, we're SOULmates! I've never before felt the way (s)he makes me feel!" Yeah. Right. maybe it should be called the girlfriend and boyfriend experience....Oh wait, that would cost too much money long term. All that damn fun, none of the responsibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Sorry I read nothing different or groundbreaking in the article. Frankly Pittman seemed to accept infidelity as a given and serial cheating as no big deal. As for spouses of cheaters (especially women) that they should not be surprised by it and make peace when possible. I found it sad that he was happy to lay blame elsewhere and state that it is an accepted norm, not an unfortunate situation. Really how differeint is what these experts stated from my throwaway comments? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Sorry I read nothing different or groundbreaking in the article. Frankly Pittman seemed to accept infidelity as a given and serial cheating as no big deal. As for spouses of cheaters (especially women) that they should not be surprised by it and make peace when possible. I found it sad that he was happy to lay blame elsewhere and state that it is an accepted norm, not an unfortunate situation. Really how differeint is what these experts stated from my throwaway comments? Really? that's what you got from Pittman? Did you skip his intro? how he divides it into four categories? he is the first I read who mentioned serial cheating woman, who do it not for love but for power? Accidental cheaters who succumb to peer pressure and then decide to either make a hobby, confess to the wife, or delusion ally decide they are now madly in love with the stranger in their bed? Idk.....I think you might have missed his irony, sarcasm.....and humor. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 The criticism I've seen of Pittman's book states that it is based on his years of professional practice and presents no research to be peer reviewed, ie exactly what xxoo is saying. Fascinating. Really. Maybe we should start a new thread,, um no a new forum,,, "The proper foot noting for comments in an online chat room." Very high interest in that forum I'm sure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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