Looking for honest and brutal feedback!

[crazykat73]

I say stop spinning your wheels and just take action to resolve the issue immediately. Resolving most of the issue is hiring a cleaning service. I don't have children, work from home and husband (at the time) worked in an office and we hired a maid for a relatively small ranch. We even couldn't keep up with cleaing the house let alone 2 kids running around. We paid $90 every other week.....it doesn't have to be $400/mo. It's worth your sanity and marriage to fix this. This will allow more time for you and him to spend with the kids, with each other..etc. Smart, small decisions go a long way....

[Conflicted81]

I don't know whether divorce is the answer, but I completely relate to your position on this, and I'm surprised at how little compassion your post garnered (perhaps a lot of touchy housewives/husbands on the board?). Marriage (or any relationship for that matter) should not be tit-for-tat, as it's bound to make everyone miserable. But I think it's hugely important to feel like both parties in a relationship are making roughly equal contributions to the family, whatever those contributions might look like.

 

If he is legitimately sitting around for 7 hours a day doing nothing, I would be going out of my mind too. Not only does resentment build up when you feel like you're carrying more than your share of the load, but I think it's pretty difficult to be attracted to a person who sits about doing nothing all day and/or who lacks passion for life. Regardless of the root issue (depression, not a naturally gifted house-cleaner, whatever)--it seems the essential thing is that he takes SOME sort of action, be it seeking counseling, making a greater effort to clean the house, or beginning to seek work in earnest.

 

On the other hand, if he is actually contributing in some way during those 7 hours, but you're put out either way because you're still coming home to a dirty house at night--maybe you should just go ahead and get the cleaning service (something you might want to do for your own sanity either way). You may find that coming home to the clean house means you don't care as much about how he spends his day. Or you might not. Either way, at least you can mull over the root issue and your next steps from the comfort of a clean home.

[Leaf9]

Thanks, guys.

 

I know I'm going to catch hell for this, but honestly, I have put a lot of thought into this. I think he works (meaning doing some cleaning when necessary and doing the grocery shopping) on average for 1-2 hours during the seven hours. I would also say that he spends an additional 2-3 hours per day getting the kids to and from school and cooking dinner. Those are generous numbers. That means 3-5 hours - and on a good day I work twice that much. I just want him to contribute close to what I do. I just don't understand why that means I'm treating him like a child? Honestly, it feels like he is acting like one, regardless of how I treat him.

 

I need to clear up two misconceptions. One revolving around my kids. I have one that is a neat freak and always, always cleans up after himself. The other is the exact opposite but he will clean if someone asks him to (read "makes him"). The kids aren't the problem.

 

Second, about telling him he has three months to get a job or leave. Someone asked if there was something else going on at the time, and there was. It was a few years ago and we had just moved into our house which was almost twice as much as we were paying in rent at the time. I told him that I didn't want to get this particular house because it was out of our price range, but he wanted it because it was closer to town. Anyway, when I said I was concerned about the cost, he said I that he would get a job to help pay for it. That never happened, I waited for about six months and money was extremely tight (we were living on our savings for those six months) and I told him he made a promise I and needed to follow through with it. Anyway, eventually I gave him the three months or leave talk. That's what led up to it, I felt lied to and abandoned. I always thought that if it really came down to it and if we needed him to work then he would. But he didn't and I was hurt. So, I know that probably isn't going to make anyone think that it was the right thing to do, but it isn't like I woke up one day and said "get a job or leave." I got a promotion shortly after that and the job became less about the money and more about a broken promise.

 

So really, at what point does what I need matter? Yes, I have problems, and I'm not perfect. But I need something to make me happy - regardless of how petty everyone else thinks it is - shouldn't that matter?

 

Another thing that I will catch hell for, but here go - cutie, if he finds a new girlfriend then I think I would be ok with that. I'm sure I wouldn't be jumping for joy, but if he found someone who would let him live off of them while contributing very little, and someone to work every day to support him while he played games, well then I would have to say "good for him." Because she is a better woman than me. Also, I have help and support from my family. I could get my kids to school and from school. There are also after school programs that they could join. I'm not too worried about covering that and the grocery shopping. That doesn't mean that I don't appreciate what he does for the family - it just means that I don't want him to stay because of that.

Edited December 17, 2012 by Leaf9

[pinkie]

Your needs absolutely do matter! This marriage sounds stressed and strained because he's taking advantage of the situation. If it matters not to you whether he finds someone else, he probably knows that. He's gonna milk it for all it's worth and possibly try for alimony after all these years.

 

A deal is a deal, he should've gotten that job. Now he's just living off the fat of the land and he knows you aren't going to do anything about it. He can tune you out. Action is needed to get his attention. He either needs to shape up or ship out.

 

I promise, if the roles were reversed and it was the husband coming home to a disgusting disaster everyday because you sat around playing video games for several hours per week... There would be a much younger, prettier replacement on the horizon.

[Cutiepie1976]

(((HUGS)))

 

Given your last response, it seems this is about a lot more than a pile of dirty dishes and clothes on the floor. I'd encourage you to seek marriage counseling. I don't think an internet forum will be sufficient.

 

Best!

[Mr. Lucky]

I already said I made a mistake in saying that (about the job). Good god. It's not that he is an underling that is my subordinate. It's that I do not want to work 50-60 hours per week and have him do next to nothing all day while my kids are at school. Can someone tell me how that is fair? I'm willing to listen to the feedback, but I don't understand why I'm working harder (or at least way more hours) than him. I just want to feel like I have a partner and not a third child (que negative comments about me and my bitchy ways).

Leaf, the logistics of our lives are almost exactly reversed - I work 50-60 hrs per week and my wife is home with our son (now 14). I pay for a cleaning service simply because a). we can afford it and b). I think my wife has better things to do. Within a marriage, the type of task based performance evaluation you're attempting only encourages non-compliance in a number of areas as you're finding out. Talk to all the guys here that state that, based on everything they do, they're due sex from their wives . And you're just trying to get cleaning! I stand by my statement that both of you - husband and wife - will need to change your approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jf2good]

Here is the mistake to start with "When we got married we talked about who was going to work and support our family, and who would stay home with the children (right now we have two). We both decided that it would make more sense for me to work and him to stay home when we started a family. I've been to college and have been working on advancing my career over the past ten years. I do make good money and we are comfortable with one income while he stays home with the kids. "

 

The stay at home mom or dad is a mistake in today's society. A lot of men have faced a stay at home wife, who leaves the house messy (your husband sounds worse than most) and then complains how hard they work at home taking care of kids and no matter how much you help besides working full time you are still going to get the blame.

 

Kick his ass out if he doesn't go get a job. It is better to pay for a maid, put the kids in daycare and have his ass contribute than to stay home and milk "taking care of the kids" as an excuse.

 

I would like to guess you all are probably arguing over the situation your living with, if so that does no good for any of the children.

[changingpace]

I was browsing the internet for a support site and came across this one and your post. I have virtually the exact situation so I can not offer advice. I just wanted to say you are not alone. My family says he is using me so that is all I have to go on right now. Mine is too busy to do chores because of facebook

Edited December 18, 2012 by changingpace
added info

[trippi1432]

I do have to interject something here, I find it interesting when a man is a SAHH and a woman is a SAHW, seems there is a huge bias. A man can be considered "using" you...a woman is just either "lazy" or needs help. I think CutiePie has given some of the most eloquent observations and from a perspective of being on the outside looking in (lest, without the emotional bias).

 

My own situation, 3 years into the relationship I took a job making the same $$ as my exH (15 year relationship in total). He felt threatened. It was a good move for me since he had been the type of man to lay a $20 on the table when I was raising our children and told me to buy a week's worth of groceries because the rest of his check was owed to the bar.

 

10 years later, I am one promotion away from six figures, he wants to quit his job as I can do nothing right..I don't clean the way I should, I don't cook dinner every night and when I do, it's not what he wants. I don't fold his clothes right (he found out how to do his own laundry 14 years earlier when I took mine and the kids laundry to the laundromat and he work stinky clothes for a week). My daughter had already graduated, our son was almost in high school and for 14 years, most of them working and going to college to earn my Master's, I did the sick days for the kids, ran them to the doctors, took on the role of disciplinarian, did the volunteering at school, was soccer mom, after school activities, teacher's consultant, kissed the boo boo's while my husband called our son a "pu**y" under his breath.

 

ExH did take on dusting when I wanted to hire someone to do it because of allergies and he knew how to vacuum and do yard work (though it took him the entire day and a case of beer). No, I'm not perfect or supermom, I didn't use the weekend to cook enough meals up ahead of time so they could just be thawed out for them during the week because he wanted to eat at 4:00 and I had to work til 5:00. I got take out a lot when work hours ran late and fielded 40 cell phone calls between meetings from my son wanting to know when I would be home because his dad had been on the phone for hours yakking at his brother (dad was really smoking pot in the garage, son didn't know). ExH only knew how to grill....letting him have run of the kitchen left children vomiting. I never learned how to fold his laundry in 15 years to his liking (perhaps I should have been standing beside him so he saw the fold was the same).

 

At any rate, rambling and probably too long of a post...the gist is, if video games and Facebook are your biggest issues but other things are getting taken care of (the important one like the kids) be thankful and try to work things out. If you are thinking that this is "using" you...re-read my posts above because you could be in an abusive and combative situation that's bad for everyone. Just check yourself at the door after a stressful work day and make sure it isn't you being that person in that situation.

 

Today, ExH is happily remarried to a woman who is experienced at marrying alcoholics, convinced her to go bankrupt, convinced her to sell her car so she has to ask permission to use his truck for work and he hasn't worked in almost a year except for odd jobs for extra money and selling stuff on C&aig's List.

 

^^^^ That's a loser, a user and an abuser. Personally, I admire a man who can cook, clean, take care of the kids because they are nurturers. They become unruly teenagers to you (and the marriage suffers) when they aren't appreciated. I would give both of my arms to have half of that kind of support .

[Leaf9]

 

At any rate, rambling and probably too long of a post...the gist is, if video games and Facebook are your biggest issues but other things are getting taken care of (the important one like the kids) be thankful and try to work things out. If you are thinking that this is "using" you...re-read my posts above because you could be in an abusive and combative situation that's bad for everyone. Just check yourself at the door after a stressful work day and make sure it isn't you being that person in that situation.

 

 

I've never said he is using me. I've said that he isn't contributing his fair share. I also never said that Facebook (which he doesn't use) and video games are my biggest problems. I thought I was pretty clear, my biggest problem is that he doesn't clean the house. While it might seem like a minor issue to you, it isn't to me. I'm sorry, I wish I could just say "what the hell" and go on with life, but I can't and it would just lead to more unhappiness (for both of us) if I tried to.

 

Also, I've only brought forward the issue that I'm most concerned about because it is the one I can't compromise on - of course, there are many other factors at play.

 

I am sorry that you suffered through years of being married to a loser. That is terrible and I don't wish it on anyone.

 

Changing, I'm so sorry that you are in a similar situation, I really feel for you. It can be a confusing and lonely place to be. I'm constantly asking myself why my needs are not important enough to be taken care of, yet I constantly meet the needs of the rest of my family (my husbands and the kids). I wish you luck in being able to figure this out and have a productive relationship/marriage. If you are in need of some advice or support, please let me know.

 

Well, as I said, I do appreciate all of the feedback. Although, I'm more confused now than when I started this thread. That's not to say that everyone's advice wasn't appreciated, just that I'm no closer to finding my happiness. Not that I thought a forum could realistically help with that. I guess the lesson to take from this is that marriage counseling is probably a good idea at this point. I've always been reluctant to do so because I don't like the idea of airing dirty laundry (no pun intended). Maybe it is time to cave in and find a good therapist - at least for me, if not for both of us.

[Leaf9]

I would like to guess you all are probably arguing over the situation your living with, if so that does no good for any of the children.

 

I would like to say we don't argue in front of the kids, and we sure as hell try not to, but I'm sure it bleeds over. Even if we take it to our room, I'm sure they at least know that we are arguing or talking about something we don't want them to hear. But we really do make an enormous effort not to, and we never ever ever talk bad about the other to the kids.

[Cutiepie1976]

I always thought stay at home spouses had it easy and did next to nothing! Until I was home one week just over a month ago and got to observe one of my neighbors. He had zero down time. Every free moment was spent doing something around their grounds or running errands, when he wasn't shuttling kids back and forth. The level of pride he took in doing everything was just impressive! On Election Day we were both at the polling station just before it closed--both of us rushing from our primary jobs. Whenever he and his wife (the working spouse) are together, she goes on and on about all the projects he does and how invaluable his efforts are to their living situation, lifestyle, and quality of life. They have a maid, pool service, lawn service, etc. Kids are in high school but don't drive.

 

One of my male reports: their kids are out of state or out of the country in college. They have maid service, lawn service, etc. He never ceases to praise how indispensable his wife is and how hard she works. Could she get a job? Of course! She's a nurse and highly employable. Has she? No, although when I last chatted with her at a work party she said she was considering taking a job as a school nurse. Her husband's comment: "Oh honey, you work so hard already. There's no need for that!" He works 80 hours/week for perspective.

 

When you decide to "show" someone that you can do his job in a fraction of the time and much better, when you minimize everything else he might be doing by making it all about a single task, you tend to get either a confrontation or the situation at hand. It's not an approach that's terribly effective in the workplace. Rarely is it successful with a spouse, someone who is supposed to be your equal, your partner.

 

I'm glad you will consider marriage counseling.

[trippi1432]

Leaf9....where did you net out? Just checking in.