Self-image, Comparing and the use of cosmetics

[ddescu_89]

I'm 23 years, female.

I'm in a healthy relationship and have been for a few months:love:

 

Since before my boyfriend, I have found myself in a funny place, regarding my self-esteem and the use of cosmetics. Firstly, I noticed myself questioning things I've always done. It's started with my face and skin, such as wearing make-up and fake tan; why am I changing the color of my skin? Why isn't my skin good enough? And has spread to my body and hair; Why do I dye my hair? And why are bleached blondes looked down on by some people, when there is no difference in darkening your hair to lightening it- surely all this time I was darkening my hair with henna or dye, this was on par with those 'bleach blondes' who are so looked down upon by some people? And what's wrong with my natural color? Why are my small breasts not enough for me to feel confident? Why do I wish they were bigger, and dress in ridiculous bra's, dressing provocatively, to trick people? Why am I considering saving up £££ for a plastic surgeon to give me some dimples? & Why do I wish my cheek bones were higher, etc. Call me obsessed, but, we come in all shapes, sizes, textures and colors, so why am I trying to change some of my given attributes?

 

I've been through the phase, last year, of being adamant I wanted plastic surgery for my 'big nose', for bigger breasts and to create dimples. I would always wear fake tan and make-up and make the effort because I felt this made me more attractive and that I was ugly without it. Now I find myself feeling 'ugly' because I'm no longer doing those things. The reason I'm not doing them is because I consider them 'fake' and a waste of time/money, as they are simply covering up what I really look like and I'm starting to fail to see the point- as soon as I take them off, I look pretty different anyway. I'm starting to realize the messages I've been believing from society and I feel like rejecting those as much as possible. I'm angry about all those things I've been conditioned to believe were 'wrong' about myself. But, still I feel ugly without using those vices and I'm not 'strong' enough to give them up completely. So it's been a tone-down, but not a complete dismissal. If, in my natural state, I looked like a supermodel does, with all of her cosmetics, lighting etc., then I think I would be capable of going make-up free and having a great self-image. Obviously, this is hardly attainable.

 

One thing that's contributing at the moment (although the woman I do this with changes on a regular basis) is that my boyfriend is friends with a model, and being the idiot I am, I looked up her portfolio on her management's website and had a look through her pictures. She does wear a lot of fake-tan and make-up but she does look beautiful and I think is more beautiful than me. Which is causing me to compare myself over and over again, making myself feel even more insecure. It's like a scab I can't stop picking. And he even says to me that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world to him, she's too fake and the 'plastic look' is not what he likes, but I still wonder, deep down, if he wishes I'd look more like her. It's like his words won't sink in for me. It's worrying, the possibility she could find out about these embarrassing insecurities-by 23, should I not have a stronger sense of self than this? He's even gone as far as to remove her from his phone, facebook and instagram just to make me feel better (without me asking him too!), as he says she was never a close friend and he'd rather just see me happy. Even this plays on my mind, as it makes me feel she was 'important enough to delete' when it's me he's deleted her for.

 

So basically, wearing makeup I feel better and seem to engage in less of this behavior, but deep down I feel I'm not being true to myself because I don't agree with covering up my face. It seems unnatural and just not right (although I pass no judgement for those who do), but I also feel too insecure to go without- my confidence drops after a week or so of not wearing makeup and start comparing myself to others again. This is where the desire for surgery starts creeping back in. Alternatively, I just want to hide from others and lose the outgoing part of my personality because I'm ashamed of how I naturally am. The conflict is happening because I'm angry that I've been made to (or even let myself) feel ashamed.

 

Confused- and obviously I'm in this relationship where my partner is understanding of some of the things I've been through that have left me feeling less than secure and is willing to be patient with me- so why can't I just drop this? I'm annoying even myself:rolleyes:

 

If wearing cosmetics makes me feel better, why can't I just do it on a regular basis, and be happier for it? Why do I have to constantly think about whether it's 'right'? And how do I stop? Is this a self-esteem issue, or a personal ethical confusion? And how on earth am I going to figure out what's right for me and stop all of this head nonsense? Any advice?

 

 

Grateful for any replies ,

L.

xx

Edited December 15, 2012 by ddescu_89

[Almond_Joy]

I'm 23 years, female.

I'm in a healthy relationship and have been for a few months:love:

 

Since before my boyfriend, I have found myself in a funny place, regarding my self-esteem and the use of cosmetics. Firstly, I noticed myself questioning things I've always done. It's started with my face and skin, such as wearing make-up and fake tan; why am I changing the color of my skin? Why isn't my skin good enough? And has spread to my body and hair; Why do I dye my hair? And why are bleached blondes looked down on by some people, when there is no difference in darkening your hair to lightening it- surely all this time I was darkening my hair with henna or dye, this was on par with those 'bleach blondes' who are so looked down upon by some people? And what's wrong with my natural color? Why are my small breasts not enough for me to feel confident? Why do I wish they were bigger, and dress in ridiculous bra's, dressing provocatively, to trick people? Why am I considering saving up £££ for a plastic surgeon to give me some dimples? & Why do I wish my cheek bones were higher, etc. Call me obsessed, but, we come in all shapes, sizes, textures and colors, so why am I trying to change some of my given attributes?

 

I've been through the phase, last year, of being adamant I wanted plastic surgery for my 'big nose', for bigger breasts and to create dimples. I would always wear fake tan and make-up and make the effort because I felt this made me more attractive and that I was ugly without it. Now I find myself feeling 'ugly' because I'm no longer doing those things. The reason I'm not doing them is because I consider them 'fake' and a waste of time/money, as they are simply covering up what I really look like and I'm starting to fail to see the point- as soon as I take them off, I look pretty different anyway. I'm starting to realize the messages I've been believing from society and I feel like rejecting those as much as possible. I'm angry about all those things I've been conditioned to believe were 'wrong' about myself. But, still I feel ugly without using those vices and I'm not 'strong' enough to give them up completely. So it's been a tone-down, but not a complete dismissal. If, in my natural state, I looked like a supermodel does, with all of her cosmetics, lighting etc., then I think I would be capable of going make-up free and having a great self-image. Obviously, this is hardly attainable.

 

One thing that's contributing at the moment (although the woman I do this with changes on a regular basis) is that my boyfriend is friends with a model, and being the idiot I am, I looked up her portfolio on her management's website and had a look through her pictures. She does wear a lot of fake-tan and make-up but she does look beautiful and I think is more beautiful than me. Which is causing me to compare myself over and over again, making myself feel even more insecure. It's like a scab I can't stop picking. And he even says to me that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world to him, she's too fake and the 'plastic look' is not what he likes, but I still wonder, deep down, if he wishes I'd look more like her. It's like his words won't sink in for me. It's worrying, the possibility she could find out about these embarrassing insecurities-by 23, should I not have a stronger sense of self than this? He's even gone as far as to remove her from his phone, facebook and instagram just to make me feel better (without me asking him too!), as he says she was never a close friend and he'd rather just see me happy. Even this plays on my mind, as it makes me feel she was 'important enough to delete' when it's me he's deleted her for.

 

So basically, wearing makeup I feel better and seem to engage in less of this behavior, but deep down I feel I'm not being true to myself because I don't agree with covering up my face. It seems unnatural and just not right (although I pass no judgement for those who do), but I also feel too insecure to go without- my confidence drops after a week or so of not wearing makeup and start comparing myself to others again. This is where the desire for surgery starts creeping back in. Alternatively, I just want to hide from others and lose the outgoing part of my personality because I'm ashamed of how I naturally am. The conflict is happening because I'm angry that I've been made to (or even let myself) feel ashamed.

 

Confused- and obviously I'm in this relationship where my partner is understanding of some of the things I've been through that have left me feeling less than secure and is willing to be patient with me- so why can't I just drop this? I'm annoying even myself:rolleyes:

 

If wearing cosmetics makes me feel better, why can't I just do it on a regular basis, and be happier for it? Why do I have to constantly think about whether it's 'right'? And how do I stop? Is this a self-esteem issue, or a personal ethical confusion? And how on earth am I going to figure out what's right for me and stop all of this head nonsense? Any advice?

 

 

Grateful for any replies ,

L.

xx

 

 

Sounds like a self esteem issue to me. You want to embrace your natural self, but you're still worried what others will think of you.

 

My opinion - at the end of the day, the only person you have to face is yourself. If you think that you are naturally beautiful, then to hell with what anyone else thinks. What part do they have in your life anyway? Random strangers looking at you - or that look better than you, or worse than you - are irrelevant to your life. Family and friends that have a mind to give unsolicited advice on your appearance should not affect how you feel about yourself.

 

I mean what will happen if goodness forbid, you are unable to buy all of your cosmetics? What if you have to go without dying your hair, or can't afford your makeup? Are you going to hide until you can find these things?

 

I've only recently started wearing make-up, maybe the last year or so (I'm 27). I've gone out with an oily face and acne breakouts, haggard eyes and thinning hair. And I've still gotten compliments. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and like I said before, what you see of yourself through your eyes should matter most.

 

So do what makes you feel comfortable with yourself at the end of the day. If plastic surgery does that, fine. If an au natural look does, that's great too. The rest of the world will accept you on whatever terms you decide to present yourself - what other choice does it have?

 

Good luck.

[FitChick]

Worrying about your looks is a smokescreen for deeper problems. It really doesn't matter whether you wear makeup or not or if you are better or worse looking than other women. You probably feel you don't deserve to be loved, you're not good enough, worthless, and similar core beliefs. Google "recreate your life" and the top result should be the one to click on and try the free process. You will get a better realization of where your problem comes from.