Ended my affair tonight and feeling the anger.

[shame_on_me]

Well it is done, I dont even know why i am on here and telling a bunch of folks i dont even know but i guess i need to occupy my mind.

We met, she knew straight away what i was there for i could see the tears forming in her beautiful dark eyes, she started kissing me and literally ripped my clothes off and took me somewhere i have never been before. She got up walked away and never even looked back at me, i lay there and cried like a god damned baby, i have never cried since i was a boy.

 

 

I came home and my wife pounced on me, why havent i done this yet, and when are you going to do that, and get urself down to the shops before they close. This has triggered something in myself i have never felt for her before, the woman has it all, the house, the cars, the money, she doesnt have to work but she still expects ME to come home after 11 hours and do sh*t. She looks down on me, she talks to me like a child, she wants wants wants and never gives anything back, she unresponsive to romanicism, its her way or no way.

 

I hate myself for feeling this way about her this evening but i feel like screaming in her face how much of a cold-hearted b*tch she has become and not the woman i married 28 years ago, all it would take on her part is to treat me like an equal instead of a piece of sh*t stuck on her shoe.

 

I will not do any of those things i am just venting my frustration just now. I still love my wife and I am willing to to do anything to salvage our marriage even if it comes to telling her the truth.

 

Rant Over - all bs are welcome to bash, critisice and name call.

[flopply hat]

You both need to work on the marriage, coucilling would be a good start. I wouldn't recommecnd telling her about the affair as it would be just one more hurdle to over come and it sounds as if you have enough to contend with already.

[ComingInHot]

I really am sorry you put yourself in a position to feel such anguish! It has already been told to you to PLEASE not take your anger out on your Wife.

Remember you are an active participant in your marriage and family and as such will need to behave as such. Don't rewrite your feelings regarding your Wife because of your choices or because of how you are feeling in the moment and the moments to come*

Your Wife has NO idea where all this is coming from but knows something is going on with you. Show her her mercy as you are trying to show your now exOW.

Of course she is not the exact same woman you married so long long ago just as you are definitely NOT the same man she married. A man who cheats to escape the daily responsibilities that go hand in hand w/being a husband, father, home owner etc.

For your sake, your Wife & daughter's sake, shake it off and get back in the game of your life.

Again, I AM sorry you're hurting.

[dreamingoftigers]

That is a large flurry of emotions. I don't envy where you are right now.

 

That's harsh.

 

That being said: I notice in my own marriage that I resent my husband the most when I am not putting effort into connecting with him. Some days it is a joy, some days it is a chore. When it doesn't happen, I start to resent. I look at him as though his efforts are something I can pick apart and criticize.

 

Now that I'm aware of that, if I hear that sniping little voice in my head I think about the last things he's done for me and that last things I did for him. Then I put a bit of energy into connecting. Whether it be a card, or a meal or a movie together or a blowjob (whatever). I don't tell him "why" I did whatever I did. I just do it.

 

In your marriage, your offered your wife a package that you both live with and enjoy. Your connection is severely ailing and has been for a long time. I am willing to bet that you both resent the Hell out of one another (been there too btw).

 

Your marriage isn't going to be fixed overnight. You also teach people how to treat you. If you bluntly say how you are feeling without insulting her or her character, that should count for something. Also include what you need to feel loved and accepted by her. That's probably mostly what your affair was about. Not feeling loved and accepted.

 

Resenting your wife because you gave up something that she is unaware of that you had no business being involved in is not logical.

 

That's like me resenting my husband for me not becoming a supermodel. Not likely.....

[sweet_pea]

Hi, Shame. Sorry you're hurting. Like others have said, please try not to put your anger out on your wife.

 

Also, how much effort have you honestly put into your marriage as far as helping out, being romantic, etc? Like I've always said, it takes two to tango. Clearly, it seems that communication is not a strong point for you and if that doesn't improve, then neither will your marriage.

 

As CIH has said, don't rewrite your marital history/the way you view your wife. That will not help anything, and will only make matters worst. She is certainly not the same woman that she was 28+ years ago, she's aged, matured, gone through hard times, just like you aren't the same man.

 

I truly hope you can figure out what is wrong inside of you and fix that so that you can (hopefully) stay true to your wife. If you believe that you love her, she deserves that at least.

Edited December 16, 2012 by sweet_pea

[shame_on_me]

Hi, Shame. Sorry you're feeling that way. Like others have said, please try not to put your anger out on your wife.

 

Also, how much effort have you honestly put into your marriage as far as helping out, being romantic, etc? Like I've always said, it takes two to tango. Clearly, it seems that communication is not a strong point for you and if that doesn't improve, then neither will your marriage.

 

Sweet: I wont vent my anger on my wife. As for effort I try, I offer to take her out for dinner, offered her weekends away, maybe this isnt enough. When I have my head together again I will sit her down and tell her im not happy and "we" have to change things because it just isnt working. What surprises me the most is that i was unaware of how unhappy i was until i met ow, it is the truth.

[veryhappy]

Smart woman.

 

Leave her alone no matter what.

 

You'll get plenty of advice on your M. I'm not going to address that. You'll need time to really see where your M will be anyway.

 

All you can do for this woman who is sobbing at this moment is to disappear out of her life. If you really love her, do that.

[whichwayisup]

I hate myself for feeling this way about her this evening but i feel like screaming in her face how much of a cold-hearted b*tch she has become and not the woman i married 28 years ago, all it would take on her part is to treat me like an equal instead of a piece of sh*t stuck on her shoe.

 

File this. How you are feeling torwards your wife, how she makes you fee and why, and bring it up when you two have that talk. But that's for another thread at another time into the future. Right now you need to grieve this loss of your OW. It takes time so look after you.

[woinlove]

It is clear from all the emotional energy you are investing in the affair and its end, that you have disconnected from your W. When you disconnect from your spouse, you no longer really see her and her feelings, fears, wants and desires. You are too wrapped up in your own universe that she doesn't even know about. She may sense the distance, further complicating the interactions between you two. Expect your M to be difficult, extremely difficult, for this reason. It may take you months, maybe longer to reconnect, while you carry the baggage of your secret affair. Accept it as part of the package of an affair.

 

If you decide to be honest with your W, then everything will change very quickly and you will probably start to see her feelings and fears. From that point, it is unpredictable though, as you could end up divorced or you two could eventually build a stronger M.

[Spark1111]

It is clear from all the emotional energy you are investing in the affair and its end, that you have disconnected from your W. When you disconnect from your spouse, you no longer really see her and her feelings, fears, wants and desires. You are too wrapped up in your own universe that she doesn't even know about. She may sense the distance, further complicating the interactions between you two. Expect your M to be difficult, extremely difficult, for this reason. It may take you months, maybe longer to reconnect, while you carry the baggage of your secret affair. Accept it as part of the package of an affair.

 

If you decide to be honest with your W, then everything will change very quickly and you will probably start to see her feelings and fears. From that point, it is unpredictable though, as you could end up divorced or you two could eventually build a stronger M.

 

good post!!

 

SOM, kudos for doing the very difficult task that you set out to do. I a sorry for your pain.

 

It's Saturday night, and you were out with your OW, breaking up. Why were you nOt out with your wife?

 

Playing Devil's Advocate here....On some level, you have grown emotionally distant from your wife and she senses this and is deeply resentful. So when you have trusted with your OW, but forgot to bring home the quart of milk, she reacts. She is sensing, on some subconscious level, she is of no importance to you.

 

And she is not. You have been devoting all your romantic, emotional and sexual energy into your OW.

 

WE love, we trust, but we are NOT stupid. We know if we are FIRST in your life or not. When you turn away from your OW, and turn toward us with your full focus, giving us all that time, attention,romance and respect, we will sense that and in time, respond.

 

Do this for your spouse, please, if you truly want to enact a change in your marriage. Consistantly.

[shame_on_me]

good post!!

 

SOM, kudos for doing the very difficult task that you set out to do. I a sorry for your pain.

 

It's Saturday night, and you were out with your OW, breaking up. Why were you nOt out with your wife?

 

Playing Devil's Advocate here....On some level, you have grown emotionally distant from your wife and she senses this and is deeply resentful. So when you have trusted with your OW, but forgot to bring home the quart of milk, she reacts. She is sensing, on some subconscious level, she is of no importance to you.

 

And she is not. You have been devoting all your romantic, emotional and sexual energy into your OW.

 

WE love, we trust, but we are NOT stupid. We know if we are FIRST in your life or not. When you turn away from your OW, and turn toward us with your full focus, giving us all that time, attention,romance and respect, we will sense that and in time, respond.

 

Do this for your spouse, please, if you truly want to enact a change in your marriage. Consistantly.

 

No you are wrong my wife has been this exact way for years, I offer to take her out: not interested. I offer to take her away for the weekend: not interested. But if i offer her a afternoon away to treat herself to the shops: she becomes very interested, ofcourse i am not welcome i will have to take the kids, which i gladly do i only really get to spend the weekends with them anyway. There comes a point when you just can't be arsed trying anymore and mines has been the last few months.

[Spark1111]

No you are wrong my wife has been this exact way for years, I offer to take her out: not interested. I offer to take her away for the weekend: not interested. But if i offer her a afternoon away to treat herself to the shops: she becomes very interested, ofcourse i am not welcome i will have to take the kids, which i gladly do i only really get to spend the weekends with them anyway. There comes a point when you just can't be arsed trying anymore and mines has been the last few months.

 

and you have told her this, right? you feel used, and unappreciated, and not respected?

 

You have demanded Marriage counseling? You have told her that you have have tried A, B, and C! To get needs E, f, and G met, and if something does not change, you may have to seek it elsewhere, as in a 30 something yearly old who is hot, hot, hot sexually?

your wife has been told clearly and unequivocally that this is where you are emotionally? So she has the opportunity to make changes? she is full aware how far gone you feel?

 

Or, do you avoid clear ( almost painful) honest communications, swallow your true feelings, avoid conflict, but have an affair with a woman you enjoy a wonderful fantasy interlude with, but share no true day to day responsibilities with?

 

because even I, a former BS, can imagine how wonderful, hot hot, that fantasy could be.....All of the fun, none of the reality....Must be amazing.

[BetrayedH]

The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it.

[Spark1111]

No you are wrong my wife has been this exact way for years, I offer to take her out: not interested. I offer to take her away for the weekend: not interested. But if i offer her a afternoon away to treat herself to the shops: she becomes very interested, ofcourse i am not welcome i will have to take the kids, which i gladly do i only really get to spend the weekends with them anyway. There comes a point when you just can't be arsed trying anymore and mines has been the last few months.

 

and you have demanded MC to get to the root cause o WHY she is to interested? Why she is harboring such resentment?

 

You may be surprised and amazed to learn her side of your marriage. but you did all that. Score embarking on your affair, right? you exhausted every avenue first, yes?

 

of course you did. you sound like a very sweet and,ind man. Surely you did this before bumping into that hot, 30-something neighbor?

[dreamingoftigers]

No you are wrong my wife has been this exact way for years, I offer to take her out: not interested. I offer to take her away for the weekend: not interested. But if i offer her a afternoon away to treat herself to the shops: she becomes very interested, ofcourse i am not welcome i will have to take the kids, which i gladly do i only really get to spend the weekends with them anyway. There comes a point when you just can't be arsed trying anymore and mines has been the last few months.

 

There's been 28 years of going through this rhythm and routine. If she has no reason to think it bothers you, why would she think it bothers you?

 

What do you honestly think is going through her mind?

 

If I were her I would think, "well he told me a lot of what he thinks of me, we haven't had sex in years, doesn't seem to bother him, doesn't seem to want to change anything, he's settled in here, I'm not going to upset the apple Carr and pull the plug on 28 years of marriage over this. My life's 'good enough.' I still have my shopping days and I don't demand a bunch of physical stuff from him either, which is good because I don't want to force intimacy with someone who isn't that gung-ho about me to begin with. We've had a lot of years, he's a decent provider, he doesn't cheat on me or abuse me. I guess the good years are done and the memories are special. I wonder what words are on the next Wheel of Fortune?"

[Spark1111]

No you are wrong my wife has been this exact way for years, I offer to take her out: not interested. I offer to take her away for the weekend: not interested. But if i offer her a afternoon away to treat herself to the shops: she becomes very interested, ofcourse i am not welcome i will have to take the kids, which i gladly do i only really get to spend the weekends with them anyway. There comes a point when you just can't be arsed trying anymore and mines has been the last few months.

 

You just broke up with your OW, a woman you did not share any day to day responsibility with.

 

Try harder with your wife. Trust me on this. During my H's affair, he too asked me to go away, asked me to go out and I sensed his HEART was. Not into it; he felt obligation or needed to say, Look what I do for her. I'm a woman,not an idiot.

 

I did not want to be an obligation. IDidnot want to be the pity f#^ck.. I wanted to be the most cherished woman in his life! Uh, no thanks.

[promises]

This isn't going to a popular post on this thread, but, there is truth that in a marriage you should 'love, honor, and be faithful.'

 

The OP is venting because there is a quite large possibility that he did not feel loved and honored. Ok, ok, he cheated. That is also crappy. But, all of these things are equal are they not?

 

Good luck, Shame. Figure out your marriage and if it'll work or not. Whatever you do, leave the OW alone. It would be cruel not to.

[Spark1111]

This isn't going to a popular post on this thread, but, there is truth that in a marriage you should 'love, honor, and be faithful.'

 

The OP is venting because there is a quite large possibility that he did not feel loved and honored. Ok, ok, he cheated. That is also crappy. But, all of these things are equal are they not?

 

Good luck, Shame. Figure out your marriage and if it'll work or not. Whatever you do, leave the OW alone. It would be cruel not to.

 

ONLY if he informed her that he did not feel loved, or cherished, or respected.

 

promises, I've been here long enough to almost guarantee THAT conversation NEVER took place with his spouse.

 

fBS here.....That conversation NEVER took place with me and most of the BS I know who post here.

[whichwayisup]

They both have major problems when it comes to communicating and really listening to one another. Basic genuine respect is also out the window due to resentments built up over the years. This is going to take a long time to fix, but right now he has to deal with this emotions, the pain of ending his affair. No way can he focus on his wife for the next few weeks, let alone months until he gets counseling and figures things out so he can be stronger to sit and sort things out with his wife.

[Tenacity]

ONLY if he informed her that he did not feel loved, or cherished, or respected.

 

promises, I've been here long enough to almost guarantee THAT conversation NEVER took place with his spouse.

 

fBS here.....That conversation NEVER took place with me and most of the BS I know who post here.

 

Honestly... assuming that what he said about his W's long-term behavior is true (and we have no reason to assume it isn't - there are marriages like this, where one person feels entitled and expects to be taken care of without giving anything back emotionally)... what adult with any level of common sense could not figure out that their spouse was not feeling loved, cherished, or respected in that situation? Maybe she truly just doesn't care, because if what OP said about her behavior is true, that's what it sounds like. And I'm NOT saying anything about YOUR situation here (I know nothing about that) - only hypothetical and in the case of this OP.

 

Not to say that she isn't totally upset and misunderstood. We don't know, so in my opinion the OP should be believed since that's all we have to go on. I find it interesting then, that most everyone came up with the assumption that the wife's behavior is because she is feeling unloved, or that she senses something is wrong, etc. and not just that she is feeling entitled, taking advantage, etc.

 

The reality is that there are marriages like this. Perhaps it's why the spouse looks elsewhere for emotional and sexual and romantic needs. No, not the proper approach, but lots of MM having affairs say this as a reason they wandered. Is it ALWAYS a lie? I don't believe so.

 

I for one - if I ever found a man who would support me so I didn't have to work instead of the other way around, let me go shopping and ever (even once!) volunteered to watch the kids, or did even ONE thing that I asked him to in terms of helping around the house or running errands... would be so appreciative that my H wouldn't have TIME to go find it elsewhere.

[Tenacity]

All right - don't beat me up please - I hadn't read any back posts from this OP before my earlier post.

 

"I am a 49 year old happily married man for 28 years, we have had our ups and downs like most but for the most part our relationship has been happy and healthy."

 

That right there says that his W is not the b*tch he has made her out to be. Seems his complaining about his W is an effect of reality hitting after the fantasy of screwing his OW.

 

OP, leave your OW alone - you have already done enough damage to her - and work on your marriage if you really love your W. I agree with the others - communicate. You seem to be all over the place with your posts as to what is really going on - doesn't do much for your validity.

[Furious]

I for one - if I ever found a man who would support me so I didn't have to work instead of the other way around, let me go shopping and ever (even once!) volunteered to watch the kids, or did even ONE thing that I asked him to in terms of helping around the house or running errands... would be so appreciative that my H wouldn't have TIME to go find it elsewhere.

 

 

Shame stated his wife doesn't have to work, not that she doesn't work.

 

From another thread of his, he commented that his wife was a homemaker but in that last few years she has pursued her ambitions. I would imagine that since his wife has now been working outside the home Shame is being asked to share more of the responsibilities with the home and family.

[Tenacity]

Shame stated his wife doesn't have to work, not that she doesn't work.

 

From another thread of his, he commented that his wife was a homemaker but in that last few years she has pursued her ambitions. I would imagine that since his wife has now been working outside the home Shame is being asked to share more of the responsibilities with the home and family.

 

Yes, yes... sorry. See my previous post.

[Steadfast]

None of us are in his marriage, so we cannot accurately judge either his wife or his actions.

 

None of us were on the Titanic either, but we all know the water was cold.

 

Every situation is different, but human behavior is easily recognizable. Those of us with experience in cheating not only knows what this feels like, but what it tastes and smells like too. Translation: weak post. Do better.

[2sunny]

Unreal. You crawl out of another woman's bed and complain about how the wife greets you? You're lucky she didn't pull a knife...or worse. Good lord man, do you realize what a sniveling baby you sound like?

 

You want pain? Crawl inside her husband's skin for about five-minutes. THEN you'll have something to cry about. All this 'weight' is resting on him.

 

Yep... Except for one thing. No where in his original post I'd he say he actually broke up with his OW.

 

In fat - he had sex with her instead and didn't say a thing.

 

THAT is NOT breaking up!

 

Ad then to go home and get angry feelings at your wife? Man - you have some big balls - you just had sex with another woman and YOU'RE mad your wife asks you to PARTICIPATE in your marriage?

 

You need to tell her you're mad! You're mad she expects to depend on you - because instead of participating - you prefer the angry passive aggressive approach by going behind her back so she can't possibly be aware how to fix the mess YOU'VE created!

 

Sart getting honest with her! She doesn't even know she's pissing you off man!