Ended my affair tonight and feeling the anger.

[GlendiexElsewhere]

My parents went through the same thing ... It's difficult & i personally can not imagine your pain ... but an affair is something that is quite unforgivable for most people no matter the situation. If your not happy get a divorce or seek help saying you love your wife is a lie you just don't want to let go because of the time you've invested and divorce is a hard transition especially in these times so its understandable. Regardless if you decide not to tell her their will always be the fear that she will find out & if you tell her you still might lose her & the relationship you've established for so many years. I'm not aware of how your wife might be, how she might treat you & she might even be fully at fault. But the one that will look like a bad guy will be you. I'm not trying to bring you down I'm just stating that its hard when you feel alone & unloved by the person you swear your life too ... Sometimes its okay to just let go. I wish the best in this difficult time & once you calm down I hope you can approach your situation with a clear mind.

[frozensprouts]

No you are wrong my wife has been this exact way for years, I offer to take her out: not interested. I offer to take her away for the weekend: not interested. But if i offer her a afternoon away to treat herself to the shops: she becomes very interested, ofcourse i am not welcome i will have to take the kids, which i gladly do i only really get to spend the weekends with them anyway. There comes a point when you just can't be arsed trying anymore and mines has been the last few months.

 

 

think about the lat line you wrote there, and compare it to the length of time of your affair...

 

please don't fall into the idea that you're blaming your wife for you having to break up with your other woman...

 

I'm confused about something...you said before that you did everything for your wife so she could start a new career...does this mean she is working outside the home and looking after the kids who you only get to see on weekends?

( I'm not trying to sound snarky, I'm just hoping you;ll see that maybe there is another side to it)

[2sunny]

think about the lat line you wrote there, and compare it to the length of time of your affair...

 

please don't fall into the idea that you're blaming your wife for you having to break up with your other woman...

 

I'm confused about something...you said before that you did everything for your wife so she could start a new career...does this mean she is working outside the home and looking after the kids who you only get to see on weekends?

( I'm not trying to sound snarky, I'm just hoping you;ll see that maybe there is another side to it)

 

I don't see where he actually broke up with his OW...

 

He never said the words to her? Just screwed her then she left him. Never the mention of fully communicating the end.

 

Same as with his wife - no communicating what he intends.

 

You know shame - most people don't read minds - you actually have to say the words for anyone to believe what's real.

 

Sounds like " this affair is over" (and NOT following that up with sex!)

 

And to your wife " I've been a coward and not been honest with you about how I feel neglected and low on your priority - so I decided to cheat on you"

 

That is how healthy, REAL men communicate! With honesty!

[2sunny]

Search with a counselor to work on what healthy love REALLY looks like.

 

Be honest. That's all you can offer at this juncture.

 

Being sympathetic about the pain you cause is a good sign... But beware - a huge helping of that sympathy could have you right back in the affair.

 

Do NOT have sex with her tonight! That would be the ultimate selfish and criminal act!

 

What are the specifics of your plan tonight?

 

Where are you meeting and do you plan to tell her as soon as you see her?

 

Do not get caught up in her ego boosts to you! (Hey sexy boy, you look sooo nice tonight, let me prove to you how much better i am to you).

 

She may manipulate and try to control the outcome - stand firm on why you intend to see her - to end it.

 

Your wife has ALREADY been hurt by this = she just doesn't fully know it - yet.

 

Or she may have some idea that "something is off" but hasn't figured it out.

 

Get counseling. Your need for external validation is out of balance. Find out why you need that ego boost so badly - that you risk everything with someone you say you love.

 

 

Get your ego out of the way and into your marriage.

 

Face your wife and tell her you two need to work on the issues so that you can grow the M to a healthier, more connected relationship again.

 

If your wife won't - then end it. But do the work first by being honest and addressing your needs not being met.

 

You're "hoping" huh?

 

 

The outcome of tonight is what happens when we "hope or try" instead of simply "doing".

 

You may want to get tested for std's.

[Saba]

......Having the nerve to complain about your wife after having just screwed another woman is very wrong. Heinous.

 

.....You know, you should stop putting your OW on that pedestal and then shredding your wife. It's disgusting. If you want her so badly then leave. Your wife deserves someone who loves her and only her. I wouldn't want my husband if he were pining away for someone else. That's cruel.

 

......You need to get yourself together. Leave your wife. Everyone deserves much more than to be the obligation or second choice. You're doing her a huge disservice. .

 

I thought these points were so spot on. OP you are choosing to stay with your wife. If that isn't what you want then you should leave. So many WS seem to think that their spouse will be grateful that they stayed when in fact if their BS was given all the facts the majority (at least the majority that post on LS) will pack a bag for their WS and send them to their "true love". You are not doing your wife a favour by staying in the marriage if you love your OW and resent your wife. It is unfair to keep both women hanging on (you did not end things with the OW!) make a choice and then live with the consequences.

[shame_on_me]

Hi,

 

I must apologise for my cruel and harsh words last night about my wife, they were unjustified and said out of guilt for my own selfish actions. I guess i had built up more resentment over the years than i cared to admit, she must feel the same but i aim to recognise and solve this. This morning i sugested to my wife we go away for a few days after New Year - New York to be precise, its somewhere we have never been before and always a dream of my wifes (the shopping of course) To say she is happy is an understatement she has been singing christmas carrols all morning I cant remember the last time i seen her so happy, this make me happy seeing her this way.

 

Regarding my ow it is over, i told her last night that i couldnt continue with the lying and deceit anymore, she is better than that and my wife does not deserve that from me either. Yes she will be upset, so am I but we both knew it would end there was no promises made to each other it simply wouldnt work. I wish her all the best and the coming weeks are going to be hard (we live in same neighbourhood so i will see her quite often)

 

I will NOT re-enter this affair and i highly doubt she will either, she told me last night she was quite relieved it was over that it hurt to much to be with me. I believe her but i still dread the day i see her smiling with adoration for another man.

[Decorative]

Yep... Except for one thing. No where in his original post I'd he say he actually broke up with his OW.

 

In fat - he had sex with her instead and didn't say a thing.

 

THAT is NOT breaking up!

 

Ad then to go home and get angry feelings at your wife? Man - you have some big balls - you just had sex with another woman and YOU'RE mad your wife asks you to PARTICIPATE in your marriage?

 

You need to tell her you're mad! You're mad she expects to depend on you - because instead of participating - you prefer the angry passive aggressive approach by going behind her back so she can't possibly be aware how to fix the mess YOU'VE created!

 

Sart getting honest with her! She doesn't even know she's pissing you off man!

 

I suspect he doesn't tell her because he is exaggerating his issues with her, and if he tried to explain his "anger" at her, it would make her raise one eyebrow and question whether he was in reality or not.

 

The contrast effect in affairs is strong stuff. His wife could be a Brazilian bikini model, with the homemaking skills of Martha Stewart, the sexual appetite of Fifty Shades of Grey, and the voice of Adele- and she would still fall flat at this point because of that psychological tug of war in the affair dynamic.

 

So I actually think Shame is not a lost cause- because on some level, he must recognize that. And not to open his mouth and be thought of as insane.

[Realist3]

Take this for what it is worth... nothing.

 

Shame, I think your marriage has grown so stale that there is little that will bring it back to the happiness you desire. The ongoing theme I read in your posts comes back to one thing, denial. The denial that what you have built with your wife over the past nearly 30 years is broken. This affair was a slap in the face, yet despite the wakeup call you still would rather try and convince yourself that the promise you made to your wife still holds a future. It is a hard thing to come to grips with. You know what your heart wants, but it doesn't mesh with what you are expected to want, so you deny it. If you weren't married would there be any question about what you would be doing? I doubt it. You are clinging to a dream that no longer exists. That is a hard thing to let go of.

[ComingInHot]

Shame;

I have asked both my great grandparents (when they were alive), my grand parents, and since my husband's A was revealed to me, my own parents if they had ever fallen out of love w/each other. There was a always a chuckle from all of them followed by a resounding YES! But my Grandfather said it best while holding my Grandmothers hand smiling. He said, " Everything in this world tries to tear us apart but we all try to still cling to love and being loved against the trials of life. We have fallen out of love a number of times which means we have experienced falling IN-LOVE w/each other over and over again and THAT has been the best part"!!

 

Whatever you choose is up to you but DO NOT blame anyone for giving up but yourself.

[woinlove]

I tend to agree with Realist on your M. I get the impression you are trying to convince yourself that you love your W by repeating those words. But you jump on anything thing said negatively about the OW and give the negative statements on your W a pass, or even add your own, whether justified or not. And you seem happy that you can continue to fool your wife and that she thinks you are being nice and wanting to do something with her just because you're a great husband. If she only knew. It doesn't seem that you are capable of putting yourself in her shoes and treating her with respect.

[Realist3]

I can't believe I ended a sentence with a preposition. :headbang:

[BetrayedH]

Take this for what it is worth... nothing.

 

Shame, I think your marriage has grown so stale that there is little that will bring it back to the happiness you desire. The ongoing theme I read in your posts comes back to one thing, denial. The denial that what you have built with your wife over the past nearly 30 years is broken. This affair was a slap in the face, yet despite the wakeup call you still would rather try and convince yourself that the promise you made to your wife still holds a future. It is a hard thing to come to grips with. You know what your heart wants, but it doesn't mesh with what you are expected to want, so you deny it. If you weren't married would there be any question about what you would be doing? I doubt it. You are clinging to a dream that no longer exists. That is a hard thing to let go of.

 

The part of this I agree with is that your marriage is broken. But I do believe marriages are reparable. They are not easy to fix. It takes a serious commitment on both parts. The problem is that you are in an agonizing state and your wife truly doesn't know how bad it is. She is very unlikely to make the kind of effort required because she is just going through life dealing with the tasks at hand and completely unaware of the real challenges in front of her. While she is just trudging along, you're likely to get more disappointed.

 

The sad fact is that your affair needs to be a wake up call for both of you. It's time to face the hard reality with your wife and to see if she is willing to do the hard work with you. Will she be hurt and angry? Sure. Maybe she deserves to be. But I can just about guarantee that she isn't going to up and change for no reason. It's time for you both to face exactly what you're dealing with.

 

Personally, I don't think it has to be done today. I think you need to get yourself into individual counseling so that you are proactively working on your part in recommitting to the marriage. Sadly, I think you also need some time to stop romanticizing your affair.

 

I recommend you get two books:

 

How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair

Not Just Friends

 

Start educating yourself on affairs and the affair dynamic. If you want your marriage to work, you're going to have to fight for it.

[Steadfast]

...yet despite the wakeup call you still would rather try and convince yourself that the promise you made to your wife still holds a future. It is a hard thing to come to grips with. You know what your heart wants, but it doesn't mesh with what you are expected to want, so you deny it. If you weren't married would there be any question about what you would be doing?

 

This is actually a very valid and insightful post realist. I agree.

 

Thing is, you completely leave out the fact that this OW is cheating on her husband. You, the OP and others have continuously painted this situation as a bittersweet 'what if' mega-drama but it isn't. She is not a good person. Good people do not cheat on their spouses. How can shame or any other person set a healthy life course living under this kind of delusion?

 

And no, I don't have to know her. I know what she's made of. Bad stuff. But before you rush to your keyboard in her defense, understand that no one is completely good or completely bad in their actions. The facts? Repeatedly doing the wrong thing, knowing it's wrong but doing it anyway, makes you a bad person. Period. You can't justify it but you'll try, try, try.

 

There is nothing more pathetic than the quest of two cheaters and their search for 'happiness'. You can't build a good foundation on betrayal.

[Bittersweetie]

I will NOT re-enter this affair and i highly doubt she will either, she told me last night she was quite relieved it was over that it hurt to much to be with me. I believe her but i still dread the day i see her smiling with adoration for another man.

 

Do you truly believe this is over? 100%?

 

Have you deleted her contact information from your phone, computer, etc so you will not contact her? Ever again. Have you blocked her so she cannot contact you? Ever again.

 

Have you deleted all email/FB/whatever correspondence? If you don't, you will probably tend to re-read things, and that keeps it alive in your head. Trust me on this.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. If you really want to end it (and it is up to you, you only) the best thing you can do is go no contact, keep busy, and work on yourself and your relationship.

 

Good luck.

[shame_on_me]

You said she would end her marriage in a heartbeat if you asked her to and that she is planning on leaving him.

 

Her private life needs to be discussed because it directly affects your wife and marriage.

 

You repeatedly stated on your threads that the thought of another man being with her "sickens" you. What if she finds herself another OM or divorces?

 

How will you work on your marriage when you're borderline unhinged.

 

I hope your MW doesn't try to make you jealous. It sounds like you'd go off the deep end should she do that.

 

 

What do you want to hear Alice ? I do not know how things will play out in the future i can only go on the "now" and what i feel "now". At the moment the thought of her with another man does sicken me i would go as far as to say i would rather claw my own eyes out than see her with someone else. BUT that is now, I just cant tell you how i will feel next week or next month, year.

 

She will not make me jealous either she doesnt need to, the woman is utterly gorgeous and all eyes are on her as soon as she enters a room, and she doesnt even realise it. She says nothing but good of her husband she just doesnt love him anymore. They had already previously discussed seperation before I came along. No more about her personal life.

[shame_on_me]

Oh she most certainly does realize it.

 

 

Maybe she does, but she certainly doesnt play on it

[ComingInHot]

Shame;

I would like to ask you to FOCUS. CONCENTRATE hard on your Wife. She's humming Christmas carols, right!?? You had a part in that! Show your daughter what it means to love, honor & cherish her mother!

Every time you think of OW replace those thoughts w/the smells, the humjing, the smiles, the lit up eyes of YOUR family that YOU created.

If you truly want to. Make this their best holiday ever. You may be surprised how good it makes YOU feel.!

[promises]

Coming clean would mean almost certain demise. He knows that, I believe. He knows how much this knowledge would hurt his family. He's in extreme crisis. Someone here is going to be forever destroyed by this information. My gut is that it'll be a child on either side who will repeat the behaviors and communication patterns later in life .

 

The question is, will therapy help the marriage or not. If he tells his W.

[Realist3]

Everything I said in that post is true - I didnt beat him up, nor was it heartless.

 

This affair is far from over (whether in his mind or otherwise) - he's under the delusion things will get better for him by continuing to lie to his wife. His marriage will not get better when his wife doesn't know what's going on with it. He's in for a BIG disappointment if he thinks ending it is all he needs to do.

 

The only way the marriage has a chance is to come clean.

 

You don't know if it is true or not. You are just spouting off assuming it is true.

 

And yes, you are beating him up for no other reason than taking out your hostilities on a "cheater". You are offputting in your approach.

[Decorative]

Coming clean would mean almost certain demise. He knows that, I believe. He knows how much this knowledge would hurt his family. He's in extreme crisis. Someone here is going to be forever destroyed by this information. My gut is that it'll be a child on either side who will repeat the behaviors and communication patterns later in life .

 

The question is, will therapy help the marriage or not. If he tells his W.

 

Therapy cannot help a marriage with such a huge lie.

 

Band aids over bullet wounds cause septic shock.

[waterwoman]

FFs!! Just tell your wife.Confess. Give her the even playing field of the cold hard facts. Then see if you can both decide what is to happen. In your first post you said you loved her and your marriage was ok. Now it appears she's a hideous selfish grasping cow of a woman whom you despise. So if she's kicks you out you won't care and clearly you won't care if you hurt her.

 

Btw your ow is probably treating her poor h just like your w is treating you at this very moment. Her sexy, sultry siren act is just for you and you alone.

[alexandria35]

Coming clean would mean almost certain demise. He knows that, I believe. He knows how much this knowledge would hurt his family. He's in extreme crisis. Someone here is going to be forever destroyed by this information. My gut is that it'll be a child on either side who will repeat the behaviors and communication patterns later in life .

 

The question is, will therapy help the marriage or not. If he tells his W.

 

You don't know if his marriage would face certain demise by coming clean. Have you ever looked at the surviving infidelity forums? It's literally swarming with betrayed spouses who are trying to recover their marriages after infidelity. Most everyone says they would never forgive cheating or stay with a cheater until it happens to them.

[waterwoman]

Sorry shame, my last post sounded way too aggressive. I imagine you are in turmoil. I hope it eases soon x

[alexandria35]

Shame;

I have asked both my great grandparents (when they were alive), my grand parents, and since my husband's A was revealed to me, my own parents if they had ever fallen out of love w/each other. There was a always a chuckle from all of them followed by a resounding YES! But my Grandfather said it best while holding my Grandmothers hand smiling. He said, " Everything in this world tries to tear us apart but we all try to still cling to love and being loved against the trials of life. We have fallen out of love a number of times which means we have experienced falling IN-LOVE w/each other over and over again and THAT has been the best part"!!

 

Whatever you choose is up to you but DO NOT blame anyone for giving up but yourself.

 

I love this. I have a great aunt and uncle who were married for well over fifty years. Sadly she passed away a couple of years ago. Oh my gosh, what a life they had together. So many ups and downs, so many good times and bad times and a couple of devastating tradgedys. He was military so they travelled a lot, there was a house fire when they literally lost every possession they had. Their 29 yr old daughter was tragically killed in a motor cycle accident and in the first ten years of their marriage there was alcoholism and infidelity on his side. After 50 plus years of marriage they loved each other deeply and completely but they certainly had periods over the years when they were unhappy and weren't feeling the love for each other.

 

So many OW/OM want to believe that the affair was it. The be all and end all of life. Haha...as if nothing else in life before or after the affair matters, as if nobody can ever recover or move on in life after an affair and everyone is destined to be miserable forever. Sure infidelity is a huge life altering event and it takes a few years to move on from it, but I wholeheartedly believe that marriages can recover and the spouses can be happy together because I've seen it in my own family. However I also believe that to truly find happiness and intimacy with ones spouse there must be honesty. If one spouse is keeping secrets from the other then there is a wall between them and they will not be able to connect on a deep intimate level. The marriage will remain mediocre and shallow.

 

The OP of this thread has always kept secrets from his wife. He has never been honest with her about his feelings, his needs, and his desires. By doing this he has cheated both of them out of having a meaningful relationship and now he has added a secret affair to the mix. I don't think his marriage will ever be amazing or completely fulfilling until he becomes 100% honest with his wife. I guess he figures that his choice and his right, but does he have a right to make that choice for his wife?

[KathyM]

I think the only way the marriage can survive is for this couple to go to marriage counseling to correct what went wrong in their marriage, and in order for marriage counseling to be effective, there needs to be honesty between the partners, and there can't be this huge secret between them. This is such a huge secret to keep from his wife for the rest of their marriage, and one that will certainly cause a distancing between them, regardless of their efforts at marriage counseling. I think if he is really serious about making it work with his wife, then he needs to be honest with her, and let the chips fall where they may. She deserves the truth, and not to live a lie in a fake marriage where this huge secret is being kept from her.