Author shame_on_me Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I think you are all getting it wrong here and my intentions, i will do anything for my wife and our family, even if i do confess i know deep down that we will move on from this. My ow is in a bit of a difficult position at the moment she's very emotional (divorce and myself) so i do feel inclined to protect her, however if there came a point where i thought my wife needs to know about my affair or she asks straight out (she easily see's through my lies) i will admit all. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) It doesn't matter how stunningly beautiful an OW is, the fact she is willing to commit adultery makes her ugly inside. And the fact you keep taking up for her clearly shows where your loyalty lies! I hope your wife finds out, as she deserves much better than to be your second choice or back up plan. Edited December 18, 2012 by beenburned left out a letter 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 It doesn't matter how stunningly beautiful an OW is, the fact she is willing to commit adultery makes her ugly inside. And the fact you keep taking up for her clearly shows were your loyalty lies! I hope your wife finds out, as she deserves much better than to be your second choice or back up plan. Yes and i bet you are Miss perfect ? She made a mistake and so did I this does not and never will make her an ugly person. If everything you women say on here is correct and comes from your hearts I cant help wonder why on earth you gave your husbands a second chance because believe me even if they say "she" means nothing to them you can be assured this is a lie. If my wife found out i will do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I think you are all getting it wrong here and my intentions, i will do anything for my wife and our family, even if i do confess i know deep down that we will move on from this. My ow is in a bit of a difficult position at the moment she's very emotional (divorce and myself) so i do feel inclined to protect her, however if there came a point where i thought my wife needs to know about my affair or she asks straight out (she easily see's through my lies) i will admit all. I know you will do anything for your wife. But your words and thoughts about the OW in the post above just proves my point about you still trying to protect the OW. Now she is very emotional? Of course you have to save her! Shame, that is exactly my point. You are not there yet which is why I don't think you should tell your wife because then you will be comforting her as well because she will be emotional. I am very glad that you will not lie to your wife if she asks you. I think you have integrity somewhere deep inside of you! What will you do if the next question she asks after have you had an affair, is who? Will you protect your OW then? My H tried to initially and it nearly killed "us." Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 You mentioned it all. So what if OW is a boxer...if she's stupid enough to throw a punch then she deserves to sit in jail. The town gossip...well, nobody really has to know, do they? Just because you think your wife with confront in person doesn't mean she would take that risk. I certainly didn't My husband was confident that i would beat the daylights out of his OW, but I took a different route. I confronted, but did so via email because, as angry as I was, I didn't want to cause harm to my family. You're making excuses. My wife most certainly will confront her and she will make me go round to her house as well Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I know you will do anything for your wife. But your words and thoughts about the OW in the post above just proves my point about you still trying to protect the OW. Now she is very emotional? Of course you have to save her! Shame, that is exactly my point. You are not there yet which is why I don't think you should tell your wife because then you will be comforting her as well because she will be emotional. I am very glad that you will not lie to your wife if she asks you. I think you have integrity somewhere deep inside of you! What will you do if the next question she asks after have you had an affair, is who? Will you protect your OW then? My H tried to initially and it nearly killed "us." Im sorry if for my outburst on last post it was uncalled for, i am being bombarded here and many are assuming things wrongly. My wifes first question would be "who was it" and she will surely grab me by the balls until she squeezes everything out of me. You cant keep this from the town, i do not care what they say about me but my wife and children do not deserve to be spoken about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Still more focus on protecting the OW and none of your truth towards your wife. You aren't YET putting truth and effort into building a new, solid foundation for your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 The one he's protecting the most is himself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 There is no more point in me posting on here you are all seeing what you want to see, everytime i mention my wife and her good point im bombarded with more questions about the ow and then when i answer them i am accused of putting her first. Adios 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Yes and i bet you are Miss perfect ? She made a mistake and so did I this does not and never will make her an ugly person. If everything you women say on here is correct and comes from your hearts I cant help wonder why on earth you gave your husbands a second chance because believe me even if they say "she" means nothing to them you can be assured this is a lie. If my wife found out i will do the same. So, you are saying you will never be honest with your W? Why bother staying married? Is it that great being married to someone who will never know the real you? The only marriages I have heard about that were really recovered from infidelity, the WS was honest and open. If you know you are going to trickle-truth, even if you do decide you W ever needs the truth (a bit of a god-complex there, don't you think?), I think you should read about BS being trickle-truthed. That seems to be the thing that most marriages will not recover from. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 There is no more point in me posting on here you are all seeing what you want to see, everytime i mention my wife and her good point im bombarded with more questions about the ow and then when i answer them i am accused of putting her first. Adios There are two steps to ending an A. One is NC and the other is ending the A in your head. Some WS go many months, still living in the A in their head. When I see that here on LS, I always feel sad for them missing out on the wonders of actively living one's current life for so long. When you are ready to start taking the second step, I think you could find LS very useful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 I am not! and its unfair to pressume this either. Yes i am protecting her i am protecting them both, my wife would be round at my ex ow house in an instant if she were to find out. My ex ow is starting divorce proceedings next year and this could disturb them, custody, monies etc. No, it won't. Infidelity has no bearing on custody unless it can be proven she runs a brothel or something. Infidelity also has no bearing on monies, unless a pre-nup is present. And even then it may not be binding. 50% of marital assets is not reduced because she boned someone else, unfortunately. So your xOW has nothing to worry about with regards to the divorce. She could come right out in court and tell the judge that yes, she did sleep with you and it won't have any bearing. She is the mother. She'll get custody. Her husband will just end up being unfairly screwed in the whole thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 There is no more point in me posting on here you are all seeing what you want to see, everytime i mention my wife and her good point im bombarded with more questions about the ow and then when i answer them i am accused of putting her first. Adios Understand where each person comes from. This will help you understand their answers. If someone is a BS (betrayed spouse) then they are more likely to be angered by your responses than someone who is not. They understand what you are doing to your wife and want to see what is best for you. Someone who has been an affair partner will be more sympathetic to your situation and your confusion. Yet they will not be as understanding of your wife. Take a combination of the responses and let the anger or bitterness sink away. All of the responses can be helpful if you take them as constructive and leave out the rest. Personally, I know what you mean. You have been given both ends. But you do at times protect the OW and not your wife. I don't think that you can be expected to suddenly lose all feelings for your OW. No woman would want to be treated that way if they were in her shoes no matter how this relationship started. Yet it is also imperative that you disconnect from her and look at your wife as the person she was before this all started. Perhaps you may need to go back a few years in your mind to achieve that. Think of how you used to look at her as you did the OW. Begin treating your wife as the most wonderful woman in your life and then the OW will leave your mind. Begin seeing your wife in the eye of what another man would see her. You will be amazed at how you desire her ...and this will show. I know from experience. And then you will realize the hurt that you caused and how painful it is for her and will be. Then you will see how losing her will be one of the most painful things you can endure. And yet paradoxically, you may then be at the stage where you want to confess all that you did so that you can regain her trust and rebuild your relationship. Then you will want to do what is best for her and not you. Begin thinking of her...and the rest will fall away. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 Yes and i bet you are Miss perfect ? She made a mistake and so did I It wasn't a mistake. You both did it because you wanted to do it. If everything you women say on here is correct and comes from your hearts I cant help wonder why on earth you gave your husbands a second chance because believe me even if they say "she" means nothing to them you can be assured this is a lie. Like you said, some people figure they have too much to lose. I won't best a BS for staying. Its a tough spot to be put in. I, however, didn't care about what I'd lose. I knew I'd recover. Divorce is expensive.....because its worth it. If my wife found out i will do the same. You are saying that if your wife finds out that you will lie and say she means nothing to you? You aren't being consistent. In another post you said if your wife asks you will tell her everything. So which is it? Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 There is no more point in me posting on here you are all seeing what you want to see, everytime i mention my wife and her good point im bombarded with more questions about the ow and then when i answer them i am accused of putting her first. Adios Nope, if there is a reason for you not posting it would be because you are feeding everyone a load of crap. You say in one post if found out, you will tell your wife everything. Then in another you say if found out, you will lie about it and tell her the OW means nothing to you. So what we are seeing is contradictions, excuses, contempt in one post for your wife, loving the next. Kind of hard to see when you blow smoke in our faces. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Nope, if there is a reason for you not posting it would be because you are feeding everyone a load of crap. You say in one post if found out, you will tell your wife everything. Then in another you say if found out, you will lie about it and tell her the OW means nothing to you. So what we are seeing is contradictions, excuses, contempt in one post for your wife, loving the next. Kind of hard to see when you blow smoke in our faces. You are reading it wrong, I would tell my wife everything, every detail but i would also tell her that ow means nothing to me now, i will do or say anything to save our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 (edited) There is no more point in me posting on here you are all seeing what you want to see, everytime i mention my wife and her good point im bombarded with more questions about the ow and then when i answer them i am accused of putting her first. I know you feel bombarded but people are trying to get to the bottom of your problem. The more known the better help you will get. I think you are seeing things a little clearer then when you first posted. You may not agree with the point you are putting the OW first but by Protecting her over your wife it sure seems that way. I hope you continue to post, sometimes we do not like to hear things we are not ready to except. You will get all kinds of advise and opinions here. Some of the post may not be as helpful as others but in the long run you will take alot of helpful advise to get you through this. Edited December 18, 2012 by scatterd 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 You are reading it wrong, I would tell my wife everything, every detail but i would also tell her that ow means nothing to me now, i will do or say anything to save our marriage. Does the OW mean nothing to you now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Does the OW mean nothing to you now? She means alot to me just now, i hope to rectify this over the christmas period as i will have 4 weeks off and plan to spend every minute of it with my family and re-building our marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Author shame_on_me Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 Have you blocked every way for her to contact you? Yes we only corresponded via mobile, text and calls, i have since deleted her number. i dont know her e-mail address and i do not have facebook or any other social networking site. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 No, it won't. Infidelity has no bearing on custody unless it can be proven she runs a brothel or something. Infidelity also has no bearing on monies, unless a pre-nup is present. And even then it may not be binding. 50% of marital assets is not reduced because she boned someone else, unfortunately. So your xOW has nothing to worry about with regards to the divorce. She could come right out in court and tell the judge that yes, she did sleep with you and it won't have any bearing. She is the mother. She'll get custody. Her husband will just end up being unfairly screwed in the whole thing. I don't know where u live Shame but here in Texas infidelity has no bearing on custody unless they can prove that u exposed ur children to ur AP...it also has no effect on division of property unless there's proof that u spent excessive amounts of marital assets on ur AP...not only that just to make a claim of infidelity there has to be indisputable evidence that there was actual intercourse between u and the AP...not just he said she said...like pictures...and nofool is right...unless there's lots of proof she's an unfit mother...she will get custody simply bc she the mother...that also applies to ur wife if u ever are in a D situation like me... I hope u don't stop posting here...just ignore posts u don't find helpful... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 It sounds like part if the reason that you don't want to tell your wife is because you don't want people gossiping about her... why would they? how would they know unless she, your ex other woman or her husband ( if he finds out) decides to tell them, or do they already know? if they already know, then trust me, they are gossiping behind your wife's back, and she doesn't even know it ( that is a very horrible feeling) if she decides to tell people, that is her choice... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 18yearstolate, There is still 13 states here in the US that are fault states. If adultery or fraud is proven it definitely effects the division of assets/money/and alimony! Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 18yearstolate, There is still 13 states here in the US that are fault states. If adultery or fraud is proven it definitely effects the division of assets/money/and alimony! Yes, this is true for a small minority of the states. Problem is, there are no guidelines on just how to divide the marital assets inequitably when there has been misconduct by one party. And another problem is proof. Note for mods: this should be on topic since the OP has mentioned adultery causing problems during a divorce with regards to "custody" and "monies". Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 My wife most certainly will confront her and she will make me go round to her house as well Then you take it on the chin like your exMOW said how she would take it if there is a D-Day. Basically, you suck it up and deal with it. You and your exMOW put yourselves in this situation, knowing full well of the fallout, consquences, possible gossip due to living in small town. Yeah it'll be uncomfortable and there will be talk of it if it comes out and others find out, but it won't last forever, soon enough they'll move onto someone else and you and your xMOW will be yesterday's news. And, rightfully so, your wife has every right to confront and speak to the exMOW if she chooses to do so. Just like xMOW's husband would have a right to speak to you if he chose to do so. part of the fallout and consquences of your choices to have an affair. People get hurt on ALL sides of the triangle. Fact! But make no mistake if my wife asked me outright if i had an affair i will tell her yes and tell her the whole truth. Thank you for admitting this. And, hate to scare you, but your wife may already know or at best, really suspects. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts