Ended my affair tonight and feeling the anger.

[KraftDinner]

I can't believe I ended a sentence with a preposition. :headbang:

 

But "That is a hard thing of which to let go" sounds worse!

 

I'm actually a reporter for a mid-sized newspaper...I commit crimes against grammar and spelling regularly. That's what copy editors are for! And ending with a preposition isn't considered to be as heinous a crime as it once was.

 

Anyway.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I have to say that reading your posts makes me so sad for your wife...in my honest assessment, if you love her at all, you've got it buried down so deep that i have to wonder if you can eevn find it.

 

Even her happiness at doing something nice for her contains a pot shot ( of course she'll love it...it's shopping)...

 

it's a damned shame...she's at home, blissfully happy because she thinks you are doing something nice for her just because you love her...but is that the truth?

 

when I read your posts, there are dozens of words written about your (now ex) other woman, how beautiful she is, how kind, how caring, how sexy, etc.- and maybe all of that is true, i don't know...( but I would ask you to keep in mind that the very things you are doing to your wife, she is doing to her husband, who you say is a "nice guy"...if you want to get the real scoop on their marriage, try befriending him and you'll hear his side of things..somewhere between his and her version, you'll find the truth)

 

there's very little said about any positive qualities that your wife has...and that's very sad...no matter how angry I was at my husband, no matter how sad he made me, no matter how much I would liked to have throttled him, underneath it all, I still loved him, and would have been able to list off a lot of good qualities about him, and still felt defensive and protective of him...

do you feel that way about your wife? if not, think about what that tells you...

 

if you no longer love her the way she deserves to be loved, then why are you staying with her? because you hope you will again someday? because of money? because of your kids?

[shame_on_me]

Hi Frozen

 

Im sorry i have given that impression but it is inaccurate - I do honestly love my wife, she's an amazing woman, she to is very beautiful and even as she grows older i can still look at her and go "wow" she's very charming, funny and extremely intelligent. I guess i have just forgotten her qualities and the reasons why i married her in the first place. Today when i surprised her with our trip i seen the woman i fell in love with - i was always planning on taking her to New York I just never got round to booking it. The shopping quote was in jest I am taking her there to shop till she drops (again in jest)

[whichwayisup]

Hi Frozen

 

Im sorry i have given that impression but it is inaccurate - I do honestly love my wife, she's an amazing woman, she to is very beautiful and even as she grows older i can still look at her and go "wow" she's very charming, funny and extremely intelligent. I guess i have just forgotten her qualities and the reasons why i married her in the first place. Today when i surprised her with our trip i seen the woman i fell in love with - i was always planning on taking her to New York I just never got round to booking it. The shopping quote was in jest I am taking her there to shop till she drops (again in jest)

 

This is a starting point. You now see the woman you married and all her great qualities, stuff that made you fall for her many years ago. I only hope that you use this to your advantage to open up the doors of communication with her. When back from your trip, this is when you two sit down and talk - Assuming the get away is fun and you two share laughs and it's relaxing, romantic etc., tell her you miss this side of her and it's time for you two work through the resentment, letting life get in the way and stop the day in and day out routines that make marriages get stale. She needs to know how you feel and your expectations, just like you need to know how she feels and her expectations of you. Don't pounce on the 'sex issue' right away, that's only going to make her feel defensive.. Focus more on missing intimacy and sharing, bonding, spending loving time together as husband and wife.

 

As for your exMW (not OW, OW are single) you only knew her in an affair setting and saw all the good stuff, happy times. You never got to see her at her worst, her PMS times when her guard was down, or had to deal with life issues thrown at you while having kids, in laws, pets, etc..etc.. That affair setting was a safety net and not based on reality.

 

I can't remember if you said you were doing counseling already or going to go to counseling soon.

[frozensprouts]

Hi Frozen

 

Im sorry i have given that impression but it is inaccurate - I do honestly love my wife, she's an amazing woman, she to is very beautiful and even as she grows older i can still look at her and go "wow" she's very charming, funny and extremely intelligent. I guess i have just forgotten her qualities and the reasons why i married her in the first place. Today when i surprised her with our trip i seen the woman i fell in love with - i was always planning on taking her to New York I just never got round to booking it. The shopping quote was in jest I am taking her there to shop till she drops (again in jest)

 

that's good, and it's very nice to see you say such good things about her...

 

the woman you fell in love with is still in there...while the weight of the world may have put a layer of patina over the shine, underneath it all, it's still there... the woman who can make you laugh, who can make you smile, who can make you swoon hasn't left, she's just, in a way of speaking 'hiding" it's that way with you too - it's that way with all of us- it sounds like you both need to spend some time rediscovering each other and remembering what is was about each other that drew you together in the first place...

 

I know it may seem like people on here give you a hard time, but it's coming from a good place- no one wants to see your wife or you hurt, and all the advice etc. is well intended...

 

if you are able to rebuild your marriage, it can be much stronger than it was before...hopefully, you'll come to realize just how close you came to losing everything, and you'll really apprecaite just how precious it is to you

[frozensprouts]

one more thing to keep in mind...

 

when you are trying to reconnect with your wife, it doesn't always have to be with big gifts or gestures...the little things can really make a difference too...

 

try and find some time each day to just be alone together...i know that with kids in the house that can be hard, but make it one of your priorities...after the kids are in bed, turn down the lights, light some candles, and enjoy a nice cup of tea or a glass of wine and just sit and be together...you don't have to say anything, just cuddle up and enjoy the silence...

 

we do that, and one thing we did that make sit even nicer is that we picked up an old record player ( yes, I am old enough to remember records ) and after our kids go to bed, that's what we do...we turn down the lights, light some candles, drink our tea, cuddle on the couch and listen to classical music together...there's something so peaceful about it, and somehow the sound of the records with all their pops, etc. reminds us of when we first met each other and we'd listen to records together...it brings us back to that time when we were newly in love and didn't have all the responsibilities, etc. that we do now...it was just "us", no kids, no jobs ( we were dirt poor university sutdents-lol) no real responsibilities to worry about, there was just "us"...

 

going through photo albums together is a great way to remember those times, and there's lots of other ways too

 

this post may be off topic, and it won't provide any sort of a 'quick fix", bit, lie I said, sometimes we forget that the person we love is still there, we lose track of each other, and it's little things like this that can help you find your way back again

[2sunny]

So, NOW the obvious next change after getting counseling started is to move.

 

You can't live close and see her constantly without getting tempted.

[heartinlove]

HI Shame. Posting from the OW perspective. First off, not all OWs are going to go crazy when the affair ends. Thats just a silly stereotype. It sounds like from what you said, yours will not contact you or your wife.

 

So, please dear god, do that girl a favor if you love her and never contact her again. She will move on. She will be fine. If you give her the space. That means no texts or emails in a month or two or three or in a year saying you want to check on her. Dont be that selfish guy...... If you contact her again, it will be purely selfish, regardless of how you rationalize it to yourself because you are never leaving your marriage.

 

With your wife. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Let her know how broken things are. Thats your marriages only chance to see if you can get back to a good place.

 

I know this is not the popular perspective, but I wouldn't tell her about the affair if thats not your instinct, or only as a last resort because you feel you need to tell her to make your marriage work. My MM did the right thing and totally came clean 6 months after affair started and it became impossible to address any real issues about the marriage because everything was about the affair. He regretted telling after. It made me rethink my belief that honesty is always best. Maybe your wife is different. You know her best. Maybe, it would help her really know the trouble your marriage is and give it her best. Thats not always the result though of telling so trust your knowing of your wife and how you both can get to a better place in your marriage.

 

I really hope you never contact the OW again, and I hope you find the way back to a healthy marriage with your wife. If you really can not find your way back to a happy marriage, I hope you have the courage to end your marriage before pursuing anyone else.

[2sunny]

And please don't be so ignorant to think you haven't gotten an std - or even the OW pregnant...

 

Did you use a condom EVERY time?

[whichwayisup]

So, please dear god, do that girl a favor if you love her and never contact her again. She will move on. She will be fine. If you give her the space. That means no texts or emails in a month or two or three or in a year saying you want to check on her. Dont be that selfish guy...... If you contact her again, it will be purely selfish, regardless of how you rationalize it to yourself because you are never leaving your marriage.

 

Some may have forgotten, but the OW isn't "the other woman" She is the MOW, married other woman. She also has no real plans to leave her marriage either. I hope she leaves him alone too, NC has to happen on both sides.

[whichwayisup]

And please don't be so ignorant to think you haven't gotten an std - or even the OW pregnant...

 

Did you use a condom EVERY time?

 

Shame, do get an STD test done. You don't know for sure if you were her first affair, and also, you don't know if her husband has had affairs too that she is unaware of.. Never say never and it's better to be safe than sorry.

 

Just imagine giving your wife an STD! People can be carriers of stuff and not have any symptoms!

[heartinlove]

Some may have forgotten, but the OW isn't "the other woman" She is the MOW, married other woman. She also has no real plans to leave her marriage either. I hope she leaves him alone too, NC has to happen on both sides.

 

Shame had already said that MOW never contacts him, he contacts her so thats why I said that. But yes there should be NC on both sides.

[whichwayisup]

Shame had already said that MOW never contacts him, he contacts her so thats why I said that. But yes there should be NC on both sides.

 

I must have missed that. I don't recall reading anywhere that he contacts her and she never contacts him. Kind of odd seeing as he just ended the A yesterday.

 

The NC I was talking about is in the future. Her or him caving, they both have to respect NC.

[shame_on_me]

A littler clear-up, my ex ow did contact me via text, what I meant was that she won't contact me now it's over she's a little stubborn this way, she text me on the evening we split ways and said that she had now deleted my number so she doesn't feel tempted to text me and advised me to do the same ....

 

Stds are not a problem she doesn't sleep around regardless of what a few of you would like to believe. I know this as I routinely get medical check-ups for my job, stds are also screened. I had one just a few weeks ago and apart from being told I'm getting old I am just fine

 

I seen her yesterday at our local cafe she was with friends and never gave me a second glance, I wanted to grab her and make her look at me. I guess I am going to have to just get on with it. My wife was also there, I would of quite happily jumped in front of a bus at that moment.

[BetrayedH]

I seen her yesterday at our local cafe she was with friends and never gave me a second glance, I wanted to grab her and make her look at me. I guess I am going to have to just get on with it. My wife was also there, I would of quite happily jumped in front of a bus at that moment.

 

So how is that "take it to the grave" approach working for you so far? Looking forward to feeling like this all the time? I would have loved to hear how you had a wonderful lunch that was focused on rebuilding the connection with your wife but apparently you were distracted from that by wishing you were in front of a bus instead.

 

This doesn't work.

[waterwoman]

I so agree with betrayedh. You might think you are protecting her but the real damage has been caused - telling her will simply give her the respect of honesty. She will know that something is wrong. She will know that you aren't happy. She will think it's her fault, or work stress, depression etc. Give her the gift of the truth - give her equality of honesty. Please x

[shame_on_me]

So how is that "take it to the grave" approach working for you so far? Looking forward to feeling like this all the time? I would have loved to hear how you had a wonderful lunch that was focused on rebuilding the connection with your wife but apparently you were distracted from that by wishing you were in front of a bus instead.

 

This doesn't work.

 

No it doesn't, I couldn't eat and I kept on glancing at her trying to catch her eye, it wasn't until my wife commented on how much of a good looking girl she thought my ow was that I had to leave. The guilt about crippled me outside the bistro. I honestly don't know what to do at this moment but I presume it will get easier over the next few days and weeks. There is no escaping seeing her unless one of us moves away (highly unlikely)

 

I can't just simply tell my wife, we will all lose, especially my wife she is a very proud woman and to have the townsfolk talk about her would destroy her. My fault I know and I should of thought about this but I didn't.

[BetrayedH]

I get your reluctance to come clean. There's nothing simple about it.

 

The problem is that your other choice is worse. You continue the deception until you're dead? You're going to hope it just goes away over time? I think you still need to think it through some more. This is no way to live.

 

There's another thread going about trying to get that "spark" again without coming clean. It's a good read for you, too.

 

You don't need to come clean today. But I think you have to more seriously consider it as the best decision for both of you over the long haul. It gives you a chance at an authentic and intimate life with one another. This current choice has you living the double-life for the rest of your life.

[woinlove]

No it doesn't, I couldn't eat and I kept on glancing at her trying to catch her eye, it wasn't until my wife commented on how much of a good looking girl she thought my ow was that I had to leave. The guilt about crippled me outside the bistro. I honestly don't know what to do at this moment but I presume it will get easier over the next few days and weeks. There is no escaping seeing her unless one of us moves away (highly unlikely)

 

I can't just simply tell my wife, we will all lose, especially my wife she is a very proud woman and to have the townsfolk talk about her would destroy her. My fault I know and I should of thought about this but I didn't.

 

I don't understand the bolded. Are the townsfolk talking about her but she doesn't know it and would then realize it if she knew the truth? Or would she tell the townsfolk if you told her the truth?

 

It likely will make her feel destroyed for a while if you tell her, but from what you say about her, I expect she would heal and move on with the truth. That may be with or without you. I could not continue to deceive someone year after year, so don't know how you would do it. It shows a great lack of respect for the person and will certainly continue to affect the intimacy in your M, as it has already.

[shame_on_me]

I get your reluctance to come clean. There's nothing simple about it.

 

The problem is that your other choice is worse. You continue the deception until you're dead? You're going to hope it just goes away over time? I think you still need to think it through some more. This is no way to live.

 

There's another thread going about trying to get that "spark" again without coming clean. It's a good read for you, too.

 

You don't need to come clean today. But I think you have to more seriously consider it as the best decision for both of you over the long haul. It gives you a chance at an authentic and intimate life with one another. This current choice has you living the double-life for the rest of your life.

 

 

I agree with you on this, but in our current situation it can't be done if we lived somewhere else then maybe yes, but not in this town. All four of us have quite large and respected families here and the animosity that would follow would be unthinkable. My wife would confront ow and this I fear the most, my wife has some temper on her, my ex ow is a professional female boxer ......

 

I like the bus jumping route at this point.

[BetrayedH]

Perhaps moving is something to seriously consider.

 

For me, a healthy marriage needs to come before anything else. It's the foundation and everything else is built upon it.

[shame_on_me]

Perhaps moving is something to seriously consider.

 

For me, a healthy marriage needs to come before anything else. It's the foundation and everything else is built upon it.

 

 

And for 27 years I thought the same, I still do but I f**ked up big time.

[Annod]

Shame, I have followed this thread and must admit, as a BS, it is very triggery.

 

With all due respect, Shame, you are a coward. You want everything on your terms. If you are to have any real chance of a real authentic life with your W, you must tell her. You have already changed her life, she just doesn't know it yet, totally unfair and cruel. This is abuse, plain and simple.

 

Tell her, fill her in on HER life and let her decide what she wants to do. You are not protecting her, Shame, you are protecting yourself. You live in your little fantasy world where 'your' ow is the most beautiful woman in the world, and your wife is a remote bitch. You keep saying you love your wife. Your actions say the exact opposite. Trust me, Shame, she knows there is something terribly wrong. Man up, tell your wife, if you are incredibly lucky, she won't kick you to the curb, let the chips fall where they may.

 

If she finds out later, there will be no marriage to save. As a BS, although this has beenthe most painful experience of my life, my FWH came clean, and we are both working our butts off to stay together. He too, thought he loved the ow, and was going to leave. He thanks me every day for giving him another chance.

I would not have been able to do that if he had not told me.

 

Work on getting out of that affair fog and see things as they are. You have been a liar and a cheat. It is up to you if you want to continue to be that man. Because even if the ow is not in your life, if you don't tell your wife, you will continue to be that man.

[shame_on_me]

Shame, I have followed this thread and must admit, as a BS, it is very triggery.

 

With all due respect, Shame, you are a coward. You want everything on your terms. If you are to have any real chance of a real authentic life with your W, you must tell her. You have already changed her life, she just doesn't know it yet, totally unfair and cruel. This is abuse, plain and simple.

 

Tell her, fill her in on HER life and let her decide what she wants to do. You are not protecting her, Shame, you are protecting yourself. You live in your little fantasy world where 'your' ow is the most beautiful woman in the world, and your wife is a remote bitch. You keep saying you love your wife. Your actions say the exact opposite. Trust me, Shame, she knows there is something terribly wrong. Man up, tell your wife, if you are incredibly lucky, she won't kick you to the curb, let the chips fall where they may.

 

If she finds out later, there will be no marriage to save. As a BS, although this has beenthe most painful experience of my life, my FWH came clean, and we are both working our butts off to stay together. He too, thought he loved the ow, and was going to leave. He thanks me every day for giving him another chance.

I would not have been able to do that if he had not told me.

 

Work on getting out of that affair fog and see things as they are. You have been a liar and a cheat. It is up to you if you want to continue to be that man. Because even if the ow is not in your life, if you don't tell your wife, you will continue to be that man.

 

 

Of course I am a coward I wouldn't of slept with another woman behind my wife's back for so long if I wasn't, as I have already admitted I got my cake and overindulged in it, now it's coming back up.

 

Maybe I will tell her but not right now because honestly I don't know if I have the fight left in me at the moment, I need to get my ow out my head before I make any rash decisions concerning ALL our futures because its not just mine and my wife's future in jeopardy here it's hers as well.

[Snowflower]

Of course I am a coward I wouldn't of slept with another woman behind my wife's back for so long if I wasn't, as I have already admitted I got my cake and overindulged in it, now it's coming back up.

 

Maybe I will tell her but not right now because honestly I don't know if I have the fight left in me at the moment, I need to get my ow out my head before I make any rash decisions concerning ALL our futures because its not just mine and my wife's future in jeopardy here it's hers as well.

 

Shame, I have to say that I'm impressed with you and how you've stepped up and are starting to handle this. Just a few days ago you first came to this board and said that you would end it with the OW in February and instead you have started to take control of your own life again.

 

I can't remember, did you say you were IC? They will probably advise you not to tell your wife because they are in your corner and not necessarily supporting your marriage. That said, IC can still be helpful to you to help you discover what lead you to make such a painful choice.

 

I agree with what you said about not having it in you to tell your wife right now, particularly if you want to save your marriage. My H said that after he told me about his affair, that he felt like he was in the fight of his life (direct quote from him) because he had realized that he did want to save the marriage. This is not for the faint of heart and if you are not strong enough to fight yet, then it is not quite time to come clean with your wife.

 

I agree though that there is a good chance that your wife will find out in another way. Sheesh, she was actually in the same restaurant and noticed the OW? I think your wife's radar is on high alert, even if she doesn't know.