Bittersweetie Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Shame, There's been a lot of good advice given to you. May I share a short version of my story with you then? Because I have been where you are, the A has ended and wanting to reconcile without the BS knowing. My H and I had grown so far apart that we were living on separate coasts, but I didn't want to divorce because I was afraid. So I made the worst choice, I had an A. I didn't think he'd ever find out...he was on the other side of the country! The A ended. Around that time my H moved to be with me and I decided to work on our marriage without ever telling him what happened. It was hard, I was still trying to get OM out of my head, I still did the google searches and such though. Then I found out I had an STD. I told my H at that point. He was devastated, angry, sad. We didn't speak for ten days. I'm not going to lie; it wasn't pretty. He didn't know what he wanted to do about me...and until he decided, he said there were things I could do to help him (share passwords, text where I am, etc). What was ironic was that just before d-day we had a trip and I had such a good time, and I enjoyed his company so much, I was so happy that we were back together. But that meant nothing after d-day. I wanted to stay with my H; he is an amazing man. I did all I could, to work on myself, on our relationship. We could've very easily broken up. But I was fortunate that he was willing to give me another chance, and I wasn't going to mess that up. After all this, I truly believe that openness and honesty is INTEGRAL to a successful relationship. I have no doubt that we wouldn't be where we are if I was still holding this secret. Yeah, it was excruciating painful to have those hard, difficult conversations. But we have both learned how important it is to communicate and be honest, and it's made us stronger, both as individuals and together. Plus, our sex life has improved! And we recently had a baby, something I never thought would happen, and I am so, so thankful. I understand that right now may not be the right time, but if you are truly serious about staying with your wife, please consider telling her. After reading so many stories here and elsewhere, and living my own, the truth always comes out...and it will be (marginally) better if it comes directly from you. B 8
Realist3 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 When I found out, that "love" died in a fraction of a second. I know this is perhaps off topic, but did it really die? I hear similar things stated frequently. But how do you know? Because the cheater told you; the person that has been lying to you for months, years? I just don't think it works that way. As much as BS's like to try and diminish the love their WS's had it is not wiped away in a second, just like their love for you was not wiped away by their actions.
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Well it is done, I dont even know why i am on here and telling a bunch of folks i dont even know but i guess i need to occupy my mind. We met, she knew straight away what i was there for i could see the tears forming in her beautiful dark eyes, she started kissing me and literally ripped my clothes off and took me somewhere i have never been before. She got up walked away and never even looked back at me, i lay there and cried like a god damned baby, i have never cried since i was a boy. I came home and my wife pounced on me, why havent i done this yet, and when are you going to do that, and get urself down to the shops before they close. This has triggered something in myself i have never felt for her before, the woman has it all, the house, the cars, the money, she doesnt have to work but she still expects ME to come home after 11 hours and do sh*t. Part of those 11 hours are you being with another woman. So whether she realizes this or not, she is understandably pissed. Now if you were actually working all those 11 hours, then she'd need to back down. Maybe she knows you are up to no good. She looks down on me, she talks to me like a child, she wants wants wants and never gives anything back, she unresponsive to romanicism, its her way or no way. I hate myself for feeling this way about her this evening but i feel like screaming in her face how much of a cold-hearted b*tch she has become and not the woman i married 28 years ago, all it would take on her part is to treat me like an equal instead of a piece of sh*t stuck on her shoe. Sorry, but cheating men don't end things with their affair partner if they truly have this contemptible view of their wives. Are you sure she doesn't know you are cheating? If you are gone for 11 hours, then something tells me she knows SOMETHING is up. She isn't sure what, but something. I will not do any of those things i am just venting my frustration just now. I still love my wife and I am willing to to do anything to salvage our marriage even if it comes to telling her the truth. Rant Over - all bs are welcome to bash, critisice and name call. Oh don't even. Quit trying to feel sorry for yourself and dismiss honest criticism as bashing. As far as name calling, most of us won't do that. So don't even look down on the people that have been hurt by people such as yourself. You are not the victim here. Having said that, something doesn't jive. If she is such a monster, why are you getting rid of your young 30 year old sex partner? 3
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 No you are wrong my wife has been this exact way for years, I offer to take her out: not interested. I offer to take her away for the weekend: not interested. But if i offer her a afternoon away to treat herself to the shops: she becomes very interested, ofcourse i am not welcome i will have to take the kids, which i gladly do i only really get to spend the weekends with them anyway. There comes a point when you just can't be arsed trying anymore and mines has been the last few months. The way you are describing her, are you sure she hasn't been cheating on you? 1
woinlove Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 The way you are describing her, are you sure she hasn't been cheating on you? Either shame's wife has changed since he wrote that description or it was not completely accurate. Shame said he offered to go to NYC with her and she agreed. She even was happy about it. Sometimes, a WS's description of the BS is clouded by the WS's feelings about his/her own actions and choices. 2
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 No it doesn't, I couldn't eat and I kept on glancing at her trying to catch her eye, it wasn't until my wife commented on how much of a good looking girl she thought my ow was that I had to leave. The guilt about crippled me outside the bistro. I honestly don't know what to do at this moment but I presume it will get easier over the next few days and weeks. There is no escaping seeing her unless one of us moves away (highly unlikely) I can't just simply tell my wife, we will all lose, especially my wife she is a very proud woman and to have the townsfolk talk about her would destroy her. My fault I know and I should of thought about this but I didn't. Shame, your wife isn't stupid. She knows something is "off" and picked up on the vibe/energy. Don't fool yourself into believing your wife is clueless. Combo that with your heavy heart, she knows you're not yourself..it's only a matter of time before she figures it out. 4
Author shame_on_me Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 At the time I wrote these things about my wife I was not in my right mind and I have since apologised. I did not mean to be so harsh against her it wasn't fair. 1
frozensprouts Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 At the time I wrote these things about my wife I was not in my right mind and I have since apologised. I did not mean to be so harsh against her it wasn't fair. do you think that you will be able to stop being so harsh all the time? what about the next time you miss your other woman? are you taking care not to unfairly take this out on your wife? do you see her ( even without meaning to) as the one who is keeping you from bieig with your other woman?
18Years2Late Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So how is that "take it to the grave" approach working for you so far? Looking forward to feeling like this all the time? I would have loved to hear how you had a wonderful lunch that was focused on rebuilding the connection with your wife but apparently you were distracted from that by wishing you were in front of a bus instead. This doesn't work. So what does work?...my STBXH knows of my A...we are getting D...and my xMOM who was also getting a D (and his STBXW also knows of the A) has dumped me yet again to "try to get his M back like it was 3 years ago"...and jumping in front of a bus pales in comparison to what I'm wishing would happen to me right now... So what's the difference?...what does work?...there really no clear answers or outcomes is there?...everyone's sitch is different...
woinlove Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So what does work?...my STBXH knows of my A...we are getting D...and my xMOM who was also getting a D (and his STBXW also knows of the A) has dumped me yet again to "try to get his M back like it was 3 years ago"...and jumping in front of a bus pales in comparison to what I'm wishing would happen to me right now... So what's the difference?...what does work?...there really no clear answers or outcomes is there?...everyone's sitch is different... Sorry that you are in pain and not with the man you want to be with now. But, it sounds like this did work in that people made informed choices based on knowing the truth. There are almost no affairs where all 3 or 4 people come out happy in the short term. But if those people know the truth, they can each make informed choices. Ultimately, if xMOM wants to be with his STBWX, then he is not the right man for you. I hope you do find happiness and the right man to share it with. Sometimes, it takes longer. But happiness is not found in being with someone who wants to be with someone else. So, I think things are working. Even if it hurts a lot now, you can have a happier future. 4
frozensprouts Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So what does work?...my STBXH knows of my A...we are getting D...and my xMOM who was also getting a D (and his STBXW also knows of the A) has dumped me yet again to "try to get his M back like it was 3 years ago"...and jumping in front of a bus pales in comparison to what I'm wishing would happen to me right now... So what's the difference?...what does work?...there really no clear answers or outcomes is there?...everyone's sitch is different... the simple truth is that admitting to the affair isn't just about what's best for the wayward spouse, it's about what's best for the betrayed spouse...it allows them the opportunity to make informed choices about their life and how they want to live it... it allows them to decide of they want to leave the marriage, or, it also allows them the hnace to be a a part of improving and finding solutions to the problems that exist in the marriage it puts all the cards on the table, and is an open and honest response to a pretty cr@ppy situation... it's not intended to punish the wayward spouse or create guilt or torture them..in fact, it may actually prove to be very liberating. they o longer have to hide, have to worry that their betrayed spouse may find out what happened. they won't have to live with the guilt of living lie. no one's saying that it will be easy, or that it will solve every problem, but it is the first step towards living an honest life, of relieving guilt, of being able to be open and honest with each other, of facing and conquerig your ears and beginning to deal with your problems i do find it interesting that so many betrayed spouses advocate for telling the truth, yet so many who haven't been in that position don't agree...not sure why that is, but it may have something to do with not having been in that position themselves, or fear, or not wanting to hurt someone... but the truth is, that's like someone dropping an atomic bomb on a city and the saying they don't want to light off a sparkler because it might hurt someone...the damage has already been done...one can either choose to hide from it or choose to use it as an opportunity to rebuild 5
18Years2Late Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Sorry that you are in pain and not with the man you want to be with now. But, it sounds like this did work in that people made informed choices based on knowing the truth. There are almost no affairs where all 3 or 4 people come out happy in the short term. But if those people know the truth, they can each make informed choices. Ultimately, if xMOM wants to be with his STBWX, then he is not the right man for you. I hope you do find happiness and the right man to share it with. Sometimes, it takes longer. But happiness is not found in being with someone who wants to be with someone else. So, I think things are working. Even if it hurts a lot now, you can have a happier future. Thanks woinlove...I do want to t/j further so I'll start my own thread as soon as I feel up to it... I just hope that the OP, regardless of who he wants to be truthful to, really leaves his MOW alone if he doesn't want her in the end...and that he doesn't wait until she's 3 weeks from her D being final to back out to work on his M...and not give her the same respect and the ability to work on hers... OP...leave MOW alone...walk away if u don't want her...don't go back...don't be selfish anymore...yes it hurts to walk away...but it hurts worse to walk away repeatedly...and steal any resemblance of normalcy she may ever feel again from her... 1
BetrayedH Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 So what does work?...my STBXH knows of my A...we are getting D...and my xMOM who was also getting a D (and his STBXW also knows of the A) has dumped me yet again to "try to get his M back like it was 3 years ago"...and jumping in front of a bus pales in comparison to what I'm wishing would happen to me right now... So what's the difference?...what does work?...there really no clear answers or outcomes is there?...everyone's sitch is different... I hope you do start your own thread as your situation is probably different. What I think works best is voluntarily ending the affair, IC, voluntary disclosure, more IC, MC, and a lot of love on behalf of both parties. Does it work for everyone? Sadly, no. An affair hurts a betrayed spouse pretty badly and for some, it's a dealbreaker regardless of the remorse of the wayward. You took a pretty big risk by having an affair. Regardless, if you had decided you wanted your marriage and were unable to salvage it, I am sorry to hear that. I don't wish it on anyone. As for the OP and his situation, as far as I can tell, honesty is the best policy and dishonesty is pretty much never the best policy. 1
Author shame_on_me Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Thanks woinlove...I do want to t/j further so I'll start my own thread as soon as I feel up to it... I just hope that the OP, regardless of who he wants to be truthful to, really leaves his MOW alone if he doesn't want her in the end...and that he doesn't wait until she's 3 weeks from her D being final to back out to work on his M...and not give her the same respect and the ability to work on hers... OP...leave MOW alone...walk away if u don't want her...don't go back...don't be selfish anymore...yes it hurts to walk away...but it hurts worse to walk away repeatedly...and steal any resemblance of normalcy she may ever feel again from her... I won't. I do want her and that is my problem but I know and she does too that it won't work. Firstly and the most importantly is my wife, I really do love her and I can't think of my life without her in it, I have been with this woman 28 years and we have 2 children, I simply cannot walk out on them, no it can't be done. Secondly is our age difference, yes she says this doesn't bother her but it will in time. We have enjoyed each others company and enjoyed getting to know one another and I had to walk away before things got even more complicated, she needs to get her divorce and start living her life again, without me in it. I will not vent my anger and frustrations out on my wife over this, It's not her fault and I will never blame her either. Yes I got a little frustrated on Sat but I had just ended things and was in an emotional state. This is another reason why I will not get into affair with her, I can't do it anymore I can't handle these emotions I have been going through, it's unhealthy. 4
18Years2Late Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I hope you do start your own thread as your situation is probably different. What I think works best is voluntarily ending the affair, IC, voluntary disclosure, more IC, MC, and a lot of love on behalf of both parties. Does it work for everyone? Sadly, no. An affair hurts a betrayed spouse pretty badly and for some, it's a dealbreaker regardless of the remorse of the wayward. You took a pretty big risk by having an affair. Regardless, if you had decided you wanted your marriage and were unable to salvage it, I am sorry to hear that. I don't wish it on anyone. As for the OP and his situation, as far as I can tell, honesty is the best policy and dishonesty is pretty much never the best policy. My story is no different from anyone else hurting here on this site with maybe a few minor details changed...it follows the same textbook with the same outcome...hurt all around for everyone...there are no winners...the OP is not "voluntarily" ending his A...he's voluntarily ending an A that he doesn't want to end and he's hurting bc he did...which means he will go back until it doesn't hurt anymore...which btw will NEVER happen...yes it hurts...and yes it hurts so bad that the OP will have a miserably difficult time hiding it from his wife...eventually he will run out of excuses for his depression and crying and distance from his M and kids...and eventually his wife WILL find out one way or another...strap in...it's gonna be a horrid ride... 2
BetrayedH Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 My story is no different from anyone else hurting here on this site with maybe a few minor details changed...it follows the same textbook with the same outcome...hurt all around for everyone...there are no winners...the OP is not "voluntarily" ending his A...he's voluntarily ending an A that he doesn't want to end and he's hurting bc he did...which means he will go back until it doesn't hurt anymore...which btw will NEVER happen...yes it hurts...and yes it hurts so bad that the OP will have a miserably difficult time hiding it from his wife...eventually he will run out of excuses for his depression and crying and distance from his M and kids...and eventually his wife WILL find out one way or another...strap in...it's gonna be a horrid ride... Appreciate your honesty and I think it's good for the OP to hear. My wife also tried unsuccessfully to stop her affair a good half dozen times over the course of a year. They also kept going back to one another until I got suspicious enough and easily caught them. And yes, we all lost. My W and I eventually divorced, I have two small kids that now have a broken family, the OM was also married with two children and while they stayed together, they aren't remotely reconciled. It killed two marriages and broke up the homes of four children. And the APs didn't even end up together. What a waste. 5
Cali408 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I won't. I do want her and that is my problem but I know and she does too that it won't work. Firstly and the most importantly is my wife, I really do love her and I can't think of my life without her in it, I have been with this woman 28 years and we have 2 children, I simply cannot walk out on them, no it can't be done. Secondly is our age difference, yes she says this doesn't bother her but it will in time. We have enjoyed each others company and enjoyed getting to know one another and I had to walk away before things got even more complicated, she needs to get her divorce and start living her life again, without me in it. I will not vent my anger and frustrations out on my wife over this, It's not her fault and I will never blame her either. Yes I got a little frustrated on Sat but I had just ended things and was in an emotional state. This is another reason why I will not get into affair with her, I can't do it anymore I can't handle these emotions I have been going through, it's unhealthy. Good job, do not tell her. Now, your wife is not blameless, remember that, but the first thing you need to do after no contact is to stop romanticizing the whole thing. We've all been there. You were in lust. You were a cad and you played with fire and didn't get burned. Be grateful you knew when to walk away. It's going to be lousy emotionally for 6 months, but keep yourself busy doing other things. Good luck.
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Either shame's wife has changed since he wrote that description or it was not completely accurate. Shame said he offered to go to NYC with her and she agreed. She even was happy about it. Sometimes, a WS's description of the BS is clouded by the WS's feelings about his/her own actions and choices. Well its also been brought up over and over and is obviously falling on deaf ears, but I'll ask again. Why is his wife not interested in sex? Has she gone through menopause? Had a hysterectomy? Any other conditions that might reduce her libido? If so, there is help to be had. But I don't think he is interested in that. He just likes his 30 year old woman sex. 2
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 A wife who doesn't have sex with her husband for over a year is not in love with him anymore and is married in legalities only. Wrong, there could be a number of reasons. And I've asked shame the questions which he either isn't reading or is ignoring for particular reasons. So here are a number of reasons for no sex. 1) menopause, which reduced libido can be treated 2) hysterectomy, which reduced libido can be treated 3) shame is a sex demander. Nothing more of a turn off to a woman than a man who wants sex on demand (not saying shame does this, but just one explanation other than "she doesn't love him" as a reason for no sex) 4) she's having sex with another man, which I suppose could be seen as not loving shame anymore 5) in the case of a younger woman, being a new mother can reduce libido and the new mother is in mommy mode, not wife mode any longer. Which again, there is help for that. The list can go on. So there are more possibilities than "the wife is not in love with the husband anymore" It could very well be she doesn't love him anymore. But he won't answer the questions such as, does she have a condition, like the ones I listed, that is directly attributable to reduced libido. And I think the reason there is no answer on that front is because I may have hit the nail on the head and supporting his wife in getting help isn't something he is interested in. He is just interested in boning a 30 yo woman. 1
Author shame_on_me Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Well its also been brought up over and over and is obviously falling on deaf ears, but I'll ask again. Why is his wife not interested in sex? Has she gone through menopause? Had a hysterectomy? Any other conditions that might reduce her libido? If so, there is help to be had. But I don't think he is interested in that. He just likes his 30 year old woman sex. I answered this on my first post when our sex life changed. She has not started the menopause yet nor had a hysterectomy not any other underlying health conditions. And for the record it wasn't just the sex that attracted me so to my ow, again I have stated many times what did.
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 If each spouse is concerned about "what is best" for the other spouse, isn't a willingness to have sex with one's spouse, as important as being truthful? Not if the husband expects sex and certain acts on demand as you have demonstrated is the case with your wife. You really think demanding a blow job is a turn on? 1
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I answered this on my first post when our sex life changed. She has not started the menopause yet nor had a hysterectomy not any other underlying health conditions. And for the record it wasn't just the sex that attracted me so to my ow, again I have stated many times what did. So what do you think is the reason for her reduced libido?
Author shame_on_me Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Wrong, there could be a number of reasons. And I've asked shame the questions which he either isn't reading or is ignoring for particular reasons. So here are a number of reasons for no sex. 1) menopause, which reduced libido can be treated 2) hysterectomy, which reduced libido can be treated 3) shame is a sex demander. Nothing more of a turn off to a woman than a man who wants sex on demand (not saying shame does this, but just one explanation other than "she doesn't love him" as a reason for no sex) 4) she's having sex with another man, which I suppose could be seen as not loving shame anymore 5) in the case of a younger woman, being a new mother can reduce libido and the new mother is in mommy mode, not wife mode any longer. Which again, there is help for that. The list can go on. So there are more possibilities than "the wife is not in love with the husband anymore" It could very well be she doesn't love him anymore. But he won't answer the questions such as, does she have a condition, like the ones I listed, that is directly attributable to reduced libido. And I think the reason there is no answer on that front is because I may have hit the nail on the head and supporting his wife in getting help isn't something he is interested in. He is just interested in boning a 30 yo woman. She is not having an affair either, I think I would know better than anyone what the signs are. Someone asked earlier about my 11 hours away from home each day, I work 10 hours and the other hour is travel.
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Good job, do not tell her. Now, your wife is not blameless, remember that, but the first thing you need to do after no contact is to stop romanticizing the whole thing. We've all been there. You were in lust. You were a cad and you played with fire and didn't get burned. No, his wife isn't blameless with regards to the state of their marriage. But if he isn't going to come clean that he has been cheating, then he in no way shape or form can insinuate that his wife is the one that needs to do the work. If he isn't going to let her know who she is married to, then he can't gaslight her into carrying the burden of the work that needs to be done in the marriage. He doesn't get to withhold this from her and make her think he is innocent. 3
nofool4u Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 She is not having an affair either, I think I would know better than anyone what the signs are. Someone asked earlier about my 11 hours away from home each day, I work 10 hours and the other hour is travel. So when did you work in seeing your OW that day when you recounted her reaction to your breaking it off? Did that last a whole 2 minutes on the way home or something? 2
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