Ended my affair tonight and feeling the anger.

[shame_on_me]

In all honesty I think she's still pissed at me for "throwing" her sister out and as the months went on she just become used to not having sex. We tried a few times but I could tell she wasn't interested and this made me try no more, it was such a turn off to see her like that, she wanted it over and done with quickly.

[shame_on_me]

So when did you work in seeing your OW that day when you recounted her reaction to your breaking it off? Did that last a whole 2 minutes on the way home or something?

 

 

It was Sat evening I don't work weekends.

[nofool4u]

In all honesty I think she's still pissed at me for "throwing" her sister out and as the months went on she just become used to not having sex. We tried a few times but I could tell she wasn't interested and this made me try no more, it was such a turn off to see her like that, she wanted it over and done with quickly.

 

At least we are finally getting somewhere. No time to comment on this just now

[2sunny]

In all honesty I think she's still pissed at me for "throwing" her sister out and as the months went on she just become used to not having sex. We tried a few times but I could tell she wasn't interested and this made me try no more, it was such a turn off to see her like that, she wanted it over and done with quickly.

 

So why not have a conversation about it and clear the air?

 

That's what healthy adults do.

 

But she may just look for the next excuse to get mad.

 

Must suck to feel rejected that way - especially when another gal was always so excited and welcoming in contrast...

 

You two need honest dialog about clearing away the resentments in your marriage.

[shame_on_me]

So why not have a conversation about it and clear the air?

 

That's what healthy adults do.

 

But she may just look for the next excuse to get mad.

 

Must suck to feel rejected that way - especially when another gal was always so excited and welcoming in contrast...

 

You two need honest dialog about clearing away the resentments in your marriage.

 

 

I thought we had discussed things and moved on, everyone including my wife was a lot happier when her sister and her family moved out. I aim to work on our differences and get back on track, I have listened to many of you and I do believe communication is the key.

 

As before I will not be telling my wife about my infidelity because it is not just our lives at risk here, yes I am protecting my ex ow as well, I am not so much of a b**tard and cannot do this to her. May sound like an excuse to a lot of you but it's the truth.

[Bittersweetie]

 

As before I will not be telling my wife about my infidelity because it is not just our lives at risk here, yes I am protecting my ex ow as well, I am not so much of a b**tard and cannot do this to her. May sound like an excuse to a lot of you but it's the truth.

 

I am so sorry to hear this, for your marriage will never be as strong and healthy as it could be with such a huge, huge secret between you.

[whichwayisup]

These people are grown adults, not young teens or in their 20's. I highly doubt Shame's wife and her sister were out bar hopping during this time. They all have kids, probably in their teens already so it's very doubtful that they went out and cheated, had each others backs if that is what you are implying. Go back and re-read those posts in his other threads that explains what happened when the sister and her kids moved in for a while. You are assuming a lot here Duck.

[whichwayisup]

See your point.

 

But, keep in mind, no where in Shame's threads did he say his wife and sister went out in the evenings..I think it would have been mentioned at some point that she had an active social life while her sister was living with them. Duck is putting a spin on this and making it seem like it's almost fact. And it's not.

[2sunny]

When you stop trying to "protect" the other woman - and focus on your wife being your ONLY priority and how she feels - things will be different.

[frozensprouts]

I won't. I do want her and that is my problem but I know and she does too that it won't work. Firstly and the most importantly is my wife, I really do love her and I can't think of my life without her in it, I have been with this woman 28 years and we have 2 children, I simply cannot walk out on them, no it can't be done. Secondly is our age difference, yes she says this doesn't bother her but it will in time.

 

We have enjoyed each others company and enjoyed getting to know one another and I had to walk away before things got even more complicated, she needs to get her divorce and start living her life again, without me in it.

 

I will not vent my anger and frustrations out on my wife over this, It's not her fault and I will never blame her either. Yes I got a little frustrated on Sat but I had just ended things and was in an emotional state. This is another reason why I will not get into affair with her, I can't do it anymore I can't handle these emotions I have been going through, it's unhealthy.

 

Shame...

 

what are the reasons that you cheated...was it just lack of sex, or was there something more? all other things being equal, if things between you and your wife were the same but you were having lots of sex, would you still have cheated, or was there more to it?

( to be honest, I always think it's pretty insulting to guys to make it sound as if their every thought and action is just about sex, but if that's really all the problem was, fine...but was it more than that? If it was, then just adressing the sex issue between you and your wife probably won't really chnage anything...yes, you may be getting more sex, but the problem will still be there...)

 

maybe it's hard to exactly quantify what happened...have you tried writing an "apology letter" to your wife where you apologize for cheating but explain why you did it...even if you never give it to her, it may help you sort out your feelings and give you some added clarity

[frozensprouts]

I'm not speaking about the OP's wife/sister, but you're very mistaken if you don't think there's a lot of grown women (with children) who go out drinking . . . and flirting and/or cheating.

 

AKA "Girls Night Out"

 

Not only do the majority of the mothers my age (early/mid 40's) dress like teenagers, but they act like them too. And all you need is an hour on facebook a day or school drop off/dismissal or sports practice to see it.

 

up until a few years ago, i went out with friends maybe once every six months or so...I maybe had one or two drinks and we had fun, and were home by midnight, we don't "flirt" or cheat..we stay in our group and dance together and have fun ( i think I'm getting to old to stay out too late anymore:laugh:)

 

last time I went out was a few weeks ago...we had a bachelorette party to celebrate a friend getting married...we started at a friend's place, got henna tattoos on our hands, watched a slide show I made of her and her wife-to-be's life together, went out and played pool and were back to my friends place by 11. we ended up playing pictionary ( you don't want to know how I tried to draw "mardi gras" after i'd had a few too many:laugh::laugh:)...

 

my husband trusts me when i go out, and if he goes out to play cards with the guys, i trust him...every husband and wife needs some fun on their own friends, even if it's only a few hours every a few times a year...

 

does this mean i'm some "wanton woman" who'll cheat? of course not

[frozensprouts]

Ducksoup, puhlease stop blaming Shame's wife. And for the love of God, please stop making everything about sex.

 

Do you know anything about women? If we hold resentment or are not treated well, then desire is out the window. You have no idea how she's been treated aside from being given material possessions. Sorry, but a new Burberry bag is not worth a blow job or if I'm not being treated well.

 

Just. stop blaming the victim. Please.

 

Ugh.

 

think of it this way...

 

if his wife suddenly started to at to have sex with him all the time, would that fix anything? maybe, maybe not....but i do agree that it's pretty naive ( and a pretty poor image of shame) to just assume that this lack of sex was the only problem they had

[Steadfast]

Dang...lots of posts on LS's latest mega-drama since I last checked. Nothing like a stubborn cheater to rile up the masses in the infidelity forum!!

 

When you stop trying to "protect" the other woman - and focus on your wife being your ONLY priority and how she feels - things will be different.

 

That's spot on, and exactly what I thought when I read the OP's statement that he couldn't 'do that' to his OW. Funny how everyone seems to be 'protected' here except your family, Shame. That'll hit hardest when it happens. And it WILL happen. We can all relate to how it feels when everyone knows the joke...except the one it's being played on. Wifey is a time bomb. Tick-tick-tick... In fact, the wife might already know. But whether she knows or finds out later, that's what she'll feel. $hit on and kicked to the kerb. Your deeds forced you into this corner Shame. You HAVE TO decide who is more important. As of now, it's your married GF.

 

The women here know better, but I've known plenty of women who acted disinterested in sex, yet were actually disinterested in their husbands. Typical for a man -especially one who believes the world revolves around him- to make that conclusion. No wonder women think we're stupid...we are! My ex had me fooled, yet her girlfriends nicknamed her 'freak'.

 

Ain't love grand.

 

Funny, but not funny Shane. You think you're digging out, but you're actually digging yourself in deeper. I predict top ratings for this one!

[2sunny]

Shame evidently (by his angry post) has bitterness about how his wife views him - and hasn't been honest with his wife about addressing the fact that he expects his wife to put him on a pedestal and woo over him like his MOW did.

 

He wants to feel important and that his W values him for more than his paycheck.

 

He wants attention and sex from his wife - but harbors deep seeded anger at her too...

 

As much as he'd love to have this MOW - he knows she wouldn't stay long term as she's younger - and he's unwilling to leave his wife because of his money.

 

And then there's the factor that he thinks the MOW won't leave her H either.

 

Makes Shame's wife look like she's second choice to me.

 

Shame can expect to go through a heavy withdrawal period - to which his wife may notice his depression...

 

And then there's the ignorance of "thinking" he knows his W well (I'm sure she thinks YOU would NEVER cheat either -so THAT theory goes up in flames, eh?) your W COULD very well be cheating! No sex? Yep, she may be mad at you and found someone else to have sex with - much as you did.

 

It happens more than you realize!

 

Healthy people don't generally go an extended period of time without getting horny and finding an outlet for it - her outlet just doesn't happen to be you for a long while. Your W is happy and singing - may e SHE just got laid too? No reason she wouldn't - as you were so busy paying TOO MUCH ATTENTION to another gal - your W may have found another man to pay attention to her since "you're never around during the week". I'd be mad if my H didn't FULLY participate in all the family activities during the week and just expected to show up as "dad" for the weekends! I'd be flaming mad! Do you know what happens during a weeks time when kids are around? Are you participating with your kids EVERY night by knowing EXACTLY what they have going on EVERY DAY? If you don't - you may as well divorce now because you aren't doing your job as supportive husband and father.

 

Being a husband and father is much more than handing over your paycheck and showing up as weekend dad!

 

Get some help - you have issues and so does your wife. Don't give her an option of counseling - just state it as a fact - we get counseling or we divorce now.

 

You have serious disconnects and a fantasy view of dealing with reality.

 

Most call it denial.

Edited December 18, 2012 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

And don't think your W won't find out - sooner or later the truth always comes out.

 

You play your wife as a fool. Learn what it looks like to respect a woman - you have completely overlooked that chapter in life. I feel sad and sorry for your wife - but most of all because you don't have ANY foundation for your M because you lie.

 

And now you just overcompensate by bribing her with a stupid trip - jeez, that's a red flag to any relationship.

 

You must think she's an idiot.

 

You need to deal with educating yourself on affairs - your overinflated ego - your self esteem issues - your need for external validation - and lack of feeling important within your family dynamics.

 

And learn to prioritize time - meeting with your MOW for sex on Saturday when you're only around for the weekend is just completely selfish of you!

 

Your wife has gotten the shaft from you and you don't even see that!

 

Sop and think how she must feel left out of the life you're living - and you've done that on purpose!

 

I wouldn't be all turned on and hot to have sex with ANY man who tossed me aside like a dirty rag that way!

 

Your poor behavior is showing in the results of your misguided marriage.

 

There's not a chance in hell you could convince me this is what live looks like! You've done a piss poor job of maintaining an honest and loving relationship with your wife by participating with HER and taking proper care of HER needs!

 

But you just blame it on "not getting sex from her" = you are in such denial it's frustrating.

 

Get to work on yourself.

[waterwoman]

Agree you are protecting OW.

 

After d-day I wanted H to write a respectful but definite NC letter to OW. He refused - it was already over so it was pointless and 'it would just be needlessly cruel'. As I hadn't been witness to their conversation when he ended it, hadn't seen the texts he sent, it was very very cruel to me to refuse. I was left to imagine their last contacts and in the wee small hours I imagined some very horrible things indeed.

 

You have cut OW out of your life - for better or worse - it isn't your job to protect her anymore. If you are truly planning to focus on your marriage, worry about what is best for your W and yourself.

 

or simply call it a day.

[shame_on_me]

See your point.

 

But, keep in mind, no where in Shame's threads did he say his wife and sister went out in the evenings..I think it would have been mentioned at some point that she had an active social life while her sister was living with them. Duck is putting a spin on this and making it seem like it's almost fact. And it's not.

 

 

No they never went out much, they were quite happy to sit in the house and gardens. Her sister has always been a little unstable and very impulsive and finds herself in some awkward positions, she split from her boyfriend of 7 years and sold her house without having any idea where she was going. My wife is the complete opposite from her sister and has always been defensive when it comes to her. This does not and has never bothered me i think the bond between them is great.

[shame_on_me]

What you are doing, once again, is putting the other woman's needs above your wife's. Again, you are doing what's best for the wrong woman. SMH

 

I am not! and its unfair to pressume this either. Yes i am protecting her i am protecting them both, my wife would be round at my ex ow house in an instant if she were to find out. My ex ow is starting divorce proceedings next year and this could disturb them, custody, monies etc. If she didnt live by us then maybe it wouldnt be as complicated in telling my wife all.

 

Duck: I get what you are saying I really do and some of it stands true, if my wife and myself had more sex i may not of had an affair, but as i have said many many times before if it wasnt my ex ow i highly doubt i would of went into an affair with anyone else. We have always had a mutual attraction for each, i have never had that for anyone else except my wife.

[shame_on_me]

Honestly im petrified of the outcome if i tell my wife, i dont doubt for a second that she may walk out on me, she will kick me to the kerb and keep kicking, i know i deserve this and more for what i have done. I dont want her to leave i dont want to live without her, she is and has been everything to me, my world, my rock and best friend. This last year has been a fog and i am bloody stupid fool for getting into this affair with ow, i just couldnt help myself if you seen this girl u may have some idea where i am coming from, i didnt want to nor expect to fall in love with her (if this is what it is) she is the complete opposite to my wife. But i still want my wife not her, i just want to get over her so i can move on with my life, I hate this and i blame myself for it all (quite rightfully so) We were extremely happy for 25 years I just want her back.

[sweet_pea]

I am not! and its unfair to pressume this either. Yes i am protecting her i am protecting them both, my wife would be round at my ex ow house in an instant if she were to find out. My ex ow is starting divorce proceedings next year and this could disturb them, custody, monies etc. If she didnt live by us then maybe it wouldnt be as complicated in telling my wife all.

 

Duck: I get what you are saying I really do and some of it stands true, if my wife and myself had more sex i may not of had an affair, but as i have said many many times before if it wasnt my ex ow i highly doubt i would of went into an affair with anyone else. We have always had a mutual attraction for each, i have never had that for anyone else except my wife.

 

I don't quite understand how you claim you aren't protecting her, yet in the same breath illustrate that you are. If you're hiding the affair so that there are no consequences for your OW, what would you call that?

 

You ARE protecting the OW, and you ARE NOT protecting your wife. What you claim as "protecting your wife" like many others have stated, is really just you protecting yourself.

 

Also, your wife has every right to go to your exOW and confront her. I'm sorry, but actions have consequences.

 

Once again, to echo everyone else's posts, be prepared for your wife to find out and probably leave you. When a WS confesses (or is even caught) and shows remorse, there is usually a higher chance of reconciliation. However, since you choose not to tell your wife, when she finds out that you've done everything in your power to protect the OW and cover your tracks, she'll probably leave. But that's deserved.

 

Or she won't leave, because she's having an affair of her own (which would explain the sexlessness) and not care.

Edited December 18, 2012 by sweet_pea

[waterwoman]

From my POV (assuming I was your BW) you have some major advantages

 

1. You ended the affair - OW didn't.

 

2. All the lovely things you said in your last post about her.

 

3. You confess (assuming you do) and that is better than being found out.

[shame_on_me]

I don't quite understand how you claim you aren't protecting her, yet in the same breath illustrate that you are. If you're hiding the affair so that there are no consequences for your OW, what would you call that?

 

You ARE protecting the OW, and you ARE NOT protecting your wife. What you claim as "protecting your wife" like many others have stated, is really just you protecting yourself.

 

Also, your wife has every right to go to your exOW and confront her. I'm sorry, but actions have consequences.

 

Once again, to echo everyone else's posts, be prepared for your wife to find out and probably leave you. When a WS confesses (or is even caught) and shows remorse, there is usually a higher chance of reconciliation. However, since you choose not to tell your wife, when she finds out that you've done everything in your power to protect the OW and cover your tracks, she'll probably leave. But that's deserved.

 

Or she won't leave, because she's having an affair of her own (which would explain the sexlessness) and not care.

 

Ok if everyone thinks this then you must all be right yeah ? Did i mention that my ex ow is a professional female boxer ? I cannot have my wife go round and confront her, I am and fully admit scared of the consequence here. Did i not also mention my wife is extremely proud and the town gossip would destroy her ? Did i not also mention that we all (her husband included) have large respected families in town ? Not to mention the kids involved ? The outcome is unthinkable.

 

And I know before I get the "you should of thought about that before you stuck ur hose in her flower garden" I KNOW

[sweet_pea]

Ok if everyone thinks this then you must all be right yeah ? Did i mention that my ex ow is a professional female boxer ? I cannot have my wife go round and confront her, I am and fully admit scared of the consequence here. Did i not also mention my wife is extremely proud and the town gossip would destroy her ? Did i not also mention that we all (her husband included) have large respected families in town ? Not to mention the kids involved ? The outcome is unthinkable.

 

And I know before I get the "you should of thought about that before you stuck ur hose in her flower garden" I KNOW

 

Well, there ya have it.

 

If your exOW is a female boxer, that shouldn't change the fact that your wife deserves to confront her, if she wants to. Would your exOW really beat up your wife? You would let that happen?

 

The town doesn't have to know, either. Since when was this a town thing? It's between you, your wife, your exOW and her husband. That's all. No one else needs to know.

 

But yeah, I still haven't changed my opinion. You're covering for someone who doesn't deserve it. You don't either.

[shame_on_me]

Well, there ya have it.

 

If your exOW is a female boxer, that shouldn't change the fact that your wife deserves to confront her, if she wants to. Would your exOW really beat up your wife? You would let that happen?

 

The town doesn't have to know, either. Since when was this a town thing? It's between you, your wife, your exOW and her husband. That's all. No one else needs to know.

 

But yeah, I still haven't changed my opinion. You're covering for someone who doesn't deserve it. You don't either.

 

If pushed I believe she may, hell she would beat the crap out of me to. I doubt the town would not find out, her husband may tell everyone I dont know.

 

No i dont deserve it not one bit but ultimately that is my problem, my ex ow well thats debatable. My wife definately does not deserve it, she deserves better from me and from now on I will try and fix this.

[sweet_pea]

If pushed I believe she may, hell she would beat the crap out of me to. I doubt the town would not find out, her husband may tell everyone I dont know.

 

No i dont deserve it not one bit but ultimately that is my problem, my ex ow well thats debatable. My wife definately does not deserve it, she deserves better from me and from now on I will try and fix this.

 

 

Well, I am of the idea that your wife should be able to make the choice of whether she wants to fix the marriage or not because I don't think you're all that capable of changing especially when you romanticize and put your OW on a pedestal.

 

I feel bad for your wife. But hey, maybe she's cheating on you so it's equal, right