Ended my affair tonight and feeling the anger.

[Bittersweetie]

Shame,

 

What do you see as the consequences of your choices up to now? Because I'm not sure if you realize there are consequences of each choice one makes...from simple ones to complicated ones. One can't make such a huge, disrespectful choice like an A and not expect consequences from it. I didn't even think of consequences during my A...then I thought I would escape from them...didn't happen.

[woinlove]

Honestly im petrified of the outcome if i tell my wife, i dont doubt for a second that she may walk out on me, she will kick me to the kerb and keep kicking, i know i deserve this and more for what i have done. I dont want her to leave i dont want to live without her, she is and has been everything to me, my world, my rock and best friend. This last year has been a fog and i am bloody stupid fool for getting into this affair with ow, i just couldnt help myself if you seen this girl u may have some idea where i am coming from, i didnt want to nor expect to fall in love with her (if this is what it is) she is the complete opposite to my wife. But i still want my wife not her, i just want to get over her so i can move on with my life, I hate this and i blame myself for it all (quite rightfully so) We were extremely happy for 25 years I just want her back.

 

So, you think your W may divorce you if she learns the truth, so you are going to do your best to try to prevent her from learning that truth. Basically, trick you wife into staying married to you under false pretences. What kind of foundation is that for a marriage? Certainly lacks respect, loyalty, honesty and openness.

 

There are plenty of physically attractive women in the world. Sounds like you will be susceptible to another one, if you think we would all understand that you had to lie, deceive and betray your family if we had seen this "girl".

 

You can never go back. It is possible to rebuild an even stronger M, but I've never heard of it happening with being honest and open.

[shame_on_me]

Do you not see how naive and foolish you are?

 

She's not starting divorce proceedings next year, or the year after . . . or the year after that. She's telling you that so YOU keep your mouth shut and never confess to your wife.

 

These are classic cheater moves and she knows you're infatuated with her and will protect her.

 

In other words, you allowing this woman to control you and your marriage.

You're being MANAGED.

 

 

Alice your way ahead of yourself again, she is divorcing next year, remember we live in a small town. She isnt controlling anything I wish you would get it out your head that all ow are evil manipulative witches, maybe some are but she is not like that.

 

There may come a time where i will need to confess all to my wife before we can move on, but at the moment thats not plausible.

[woinlove]

that should be: It is possible to rebuild an even stronger M, but I've never heard of it happening without being honest and open

[Steadfast]

She's not starting divorce proceedings next year, or the year after . . . or the year after that. She's telling you that so YOU keep your mouth shut and never confess to your wife.

 

Well, maybe...maybe not. I think the rationale is starting to reach just a bit. Some things we can see clearly, others we can only speculate on. Is it just me, or is the group here getting a bit desperate to see Shame confess?

 

I wrote about 20-pages back this this was about money, social standing, etc. Heck, maybe even mommy and daddy. Who knows? What we DO know is the best way out of a lie is back out the way you came in. To come clean; blow it up, experience/endure the damage (of our actions) and start over. It's the only chance a liar/cheater has of regaining his/her integrity.

 

Since my posts have went unanswered, it's clear there's no reason to continue. But before I go, I'll remind you the advice you're being given is for your own good. Your biggest problem isn't an affair, your OW or the wife, it's you. YOU are the biggest stumbling block to your own happiness.

 

Best of luck to you. You'll need it.

[shame_on_me]

So, you think your W may divorce you if she learns the truth, so you are going to do your best to try to prevent her from learning that truth. Basically, trick you wife into staying married to you under false pretences. What kind of foundation is that for a marriage? Certainly lacks respect, loyalty, honesty and openness.

 

There are plenty of physically attractive women in the world. Sounds like you will be susceptible to another one, if you think we would all understand that you had to lie, deceive and betray your family if we had seen this "girl".

 

You can never go back. It is possible to rebuild an even stronger M, but I've never heard of it happening with being honest and open.

 

Do i think my wife will seriously divorce me ? Honest answer, no i dont! we both have to much to lose if we went our seperate ways.

 

You are not getting what i am saying about this woman, she is the only other woman i have EVER been attracted to except my wife, i have seen many attractive women, there are plenty of them in my job, but this woman is different she has been a secret crush of mines for many years. I just never in a million years thought she would give me a second glance.

[Saba]

I find this thread disturbing. If you love your wife you will show her some respect. I do not understand what kind of love you have for your wife.

[shame_on_me]

Well, maybe...maybe not. I think the rationale is starting to reach just a bit. Some things we can see clearly, others we can only speculate on. Is it just me, or is the group here getting a bit desperate to see Shame confess?

 

I wrote about 20-pages back this this was about money, social standing, etc. Heck, maybe even mommy and daddy. Who knows? What we DO know is the best way out of a lie is back out the way you came in. To come clean; blow it up, experience/endure the damage (of our actions) and start over. It's the only chance a liar/cheater has of regaining his/her integrity.

 

Since my posts have went unanswered, it's clear there's no reason to continue. But before I go, I'll remind you the advice you're being given is for your own good. Your biggest problem isn't an affair, your OW or the wife, it's you. YOU are the biggest stumbling block to your own happiness.

 

Best of luck to you. You'll need it.

 

 

Sorry if your posts were unanswered as you may see i am being bombarded with questions and i am trying to reply as best i can.

 

If there comes a time where i have no choice but to confess mark my word i will do it, if it moves us forward and out of this "rut" we have become used to. I will do anything to salvage our marriage

[shame_on_me]

I find this thread disturbing. If you love your wife you will show her some respect. I do not understand what kind of love you have for your wife.

 

 

I love her plain and simple I had never looked or was ever remotely interested in another woman for 27 years, i was happy, we had/have a good routine. Then one kiss from this girl turned my life as i knew it upside down and i found it extremely hard to resist her charms. I wish i walked away back then i knew i should of but i am a man and i thought with **** instead of my brains. I thought i could get away with it without becoming emotionally involved with her, i knew when i started to develope more than sexual feelings for her i had to stop, but i didnt and now because of my own stupidness and selfishness I am on the verge of losing the woman who has stuck by me for 28 years who gave birth to my children, and is a fantastic wife and mother.

[road]

I am not! and its unfair to pressume this either. Yes i am protecting her ................................................. My ex ow is starting divorce proceedings next year and this could disturb them, custody, monies etc.

 

 

This is why the truth must come out.

 

You are forcing your BW to live a lie.

 

You are forcing the BH to live a lie.

 

You helped yourself to the BHW and *****ed her.

 

Now you are helping the OW to **** the OWH's wealth.

 

This OWH has been working a lifetime to build personal wealth and have a good retirement and you are being a willing accomplice to help the OW to commit grand theft.

 

Then your lying may put OWH out of his own home and get very little time in custody.

 

Yes your are a sneak thief.

 

Being you are so into doing the right thing now.

 

If you wanted to do the right thing why didn't you knock on the OWH door enter their home and take OW into their bed and bang her in front of the OWH?

 

After all was not what you did with the OW honorable?

[woinlove]

Do i think my wife will seriously divorce me ? Honest answer, no i dont! we both have to much to lose if we went our seperate ways.

 

You are not getting what i am saying about this woman, she is the only other woman i have EVER been attracted to except my wife, i have seen many attractive women, there are plenty of them in my job, but this woman is different she has been a secret crush of mines for many years. I just never in a million years thought she would give me a second glance.

 

Okay, I thought you said you are scared of the truth because your W may kick you out. Also, don't expect others to see what you see in the MOW. Personally, over the years, I find less attractive in those who chose to cheat, particularly with children involved. I find raising children to be one of the most amazing things and would not want to bring deception and betrayal into their safe home. Those who do may be going through a broken phase and may fix themselves, but it seems that both you and MOW currently have some values in common, which your BW may not share. You and MOW seem quite attracted to the brokenness in each other. Until you see it as brokenness, I doubt there will be any change.

[Snowflower]

Well, maybe...maybe not. I think the rationale is starting to reach just a bit. Some things we can see clearly, others we can only speculate on. Is it just me, or is the group here getting a bit desperate to see Shame confess?

 

I wrote about 20-pages back this this was about money, social standing, etc. Heck, maybe even mommy and daddy. Who knows? What we DO know is the best way out of a lie is back out the way you came in. To come clean; blow it up, experience/endure the damage (of our actions) and start over. It's the only chance a liar/cheater has of regaining his/her integrity.

 

Since my posts have went unanswered, it's clear there's no reason to continue. But before I go, I'll remind you the advice you're being given is for your own good. Your biggest problem isn't an affair, your OW or the wife, it's you. YOU are the biggest stumbling block to your own happiness.

 

Best of luck to you. You'll need it.

 

This is a really good post!

 

Shame, I get that you're not ready to tell your wife yet. I'm going to go with a different tack here and say if you're not ready to tell her, then don't. Yes, you are saving your own a** at the moment but when/if you do tell your wife, be ready for an implosion of your world that you have never predicted. You have to be strong enough and as ready emotionally as possible to help your wife through this.

 

Yes, I think you should absolutely tell and for a lot of the reasons others have already posted. But don't let yourself get pushed into it which is what I sense is going on in this thread right now.

 

Take control, be a man, and don't let others (your xOW, posters here, perhaps even your wife even though I'm not sure why) control your actions.

 

On a completely different note, a female boxer? Really? What do guys find so hot about that? There was another WH like you here who had an affair with a woman like that. Not quite sure what the draw is but I wonder if somehow the xOW intimidated you, which was part of the attraction and thrill that drew you to her and now worries you in a sense.

 

I could be(and probably am) completely wrong but it makes me wonder. I'm sure your wife could handle herself if she absolutely needed to.

[seren]

Shame, I and my H were married for 23 yrs when he had an 8 month A, he told me, I didn't find out, he had the courage to sit me down and tell me what he had done. i have always been in love, like and lust with my H, and while I hated the A, I admired his courage, that he told me rather than have it taint our marriage and for me to have the choice to stay or go is something I always tell him I know took courage, that he could have taken the easy route and not said a word, he took a huge gamble when he disclosed, but he also told me that he would fight tooth and nail to persuade me to stay and would go to any lengths to make it right.

 

Of course there is no way to make having an A right, but there is a way of respecting your wife, respect her not as your wife, but as the person she is, for all that she has meant to you, all that she has done for and with you and for all that she believes and loves you, she deserves the right to make an informed choice about her future. To hell with anyone else, the town, or anyone else s relationship, that';s their boat to row.

 

For all that D Day hurt and for all that reconciliation has been painful at times, I would have hated to be now living a lie with another woman knowing she had slept with my H and if my H had not told me to protect her, then I would be so damned hurt there just aren't enough words to explain how much.

 

If your wife decided to have it out with the OW, then that's her choice, if the OW as a professional female boxer decked her, then it would be the end of her career and also I suspect a quick trip to the police station. I would rather be punched than live a lie, at least I can see that coming and defend myself.

 

I understand that you are afraid, but please do not think that it might never come to light. I am glad you are thinking more about your wife, some of your earlier posts were very demeaning and I wonder if you have ever thought how you would feel if the tables were turned.

[shame_on_me]

What does living in a small town have to do with you being so sure she's "divorcing" next year?

 

 

Townsfolk talk our circle of friends interact with each other and i have heard more than once about their divorce from his friends and family members.

[shame_on_me]

Shame, I and my H were married for 23 yrs when he had an 8 month A, he told me, I didn't find out, he had the courage to sit me down and tell me what he had done. i have always been in love, like and lust with my H, and while I hated the A, I admired his courage, that he told me rather than have it taint our marriage and for me to have the choice to stay or go is something I always tell him I know took courage, that he could have taken the easy route and not said a word, he took a huge gamble when he disclosed, but he also told me that he would fight tooth and nail to persuade me to stay and would go to any lengths to make it right.

 

Of course there is no way to make having an A right, but there is a way of respecting your wife, respect her not as your wife, but as the person she is, for all that she has meant to you, all that she has done for and with you and for all that she believes and loves you, she deserves the right to make an informed choice about her future. To hell with anyone else, the town, or anyone else s relationship, that';s their boat to row.

 

For all that D Day hurt and for all that reconciliation has been painful at times, I would have hated to be now living a lie with another woman knowing she had slept with my H and if my H had not told me to protect her, then I would be so damned hurt there just aren't enough words to explain how much.

 

If your wife decided to have it out with the OW, then that's her choice, if the OW as a professional female boxer decked her, then it would be the end of her career and also I suspect a quick trip to the police station. I would rather be punched than live a lie, at least I can see that coming and defend myself.

 

I understand that you are afraid, but please do not think that it might never come to light. I am glad you are thinking more about your wife, some of your earlier posts were very demeaning and I wonder if you have ever thought how you would feel if the tables were turned.

 

I am not saying I wont ever tell her, just not at the moment, I need to clear my head first.

[waterwoman]

Well, I wish you and your wife the best. I guess you have to do this the way that seems right to you. Good luck x

[seren]

Townsfolk talk our circle of friends interact with each other and i have heard more than once about their divorce from his friends and family members.

 

Shame, do you not worry that in the fallout of her divorce that details of your A don't come to light? I ask because there are many WS who believe the AP won't do this or that and are very surprised when they find out that this isn't the case. If you are in a small town you might also be surprised if people don't already have an inkling of the A.

[Snowflower]

Townsfolk talk our circle of friends interact with each other and i have heard more than once about their divorce from his friends and family members.

 

The thing is, people are wonderfully self-absorbed. Your affair and any subsequent divorces will not be front and center in their lives and at all social gatherings from now to eternity.

 

If (and that is a big if) the affair were to become public knowledge and either marriage ends, it will at best be a flicker of momentary interest, a little gossip, more along the lines of "yeah, I thought those two (you and xOW) had something going on" and then everyone (friends, acquaintances) will go back to their own lives.

 

Others will not care as much as you think.

[shame_on_me]

So if divorce is really imminent for OW, that explains why you're ending things. Not because of your wife - it's because you don't just THINK she's going to "look adoringly into someone else's eyes," you KNOW she will THAT is why you have repeatedly said those gushy words.

 

You know she's going to kick you to the curb or expect you to leave and you're protecting your ego, not your wife.

 

 

No, she has already stated that she wants me and she wanted to continue our affair after her divorce, i said no i cant that i have to go back to my wife and my family, i belong with my wife not her. She said she understood but had to ask anyway. Yes i guess she will find another man and i think it will be hard to swallow but i know i have made the correct decision - I ended things didnt i ?

[JamesM]

Shame, do you not worry that in the fallout of her divorce that details of your A don't come to light? I ask because there are many WS who believe the AP won't do this or that and are very surprised when they find out that this isn't the case. If you are in a small town you might also be surprised if people don't already have an inkling of the A.

 

Bingo. Someone finally said it (or I missed it if someone else said it).

 

You keep mentioning that you live in a small town and how YOU hear about the OW's divorce. How in the world do you think you can keep this affair quiet then? If it doesn't come out in a divorce proceeding (which it may not), do you not wonder if the OW's husband may spread the news...if the OW doesn't? And people have a way of "confiding" in others. Your OW may confide in someone about the affair she had with you after her divorce proceedings are over (assuming they happen).

 

You will be wishing that you had told your wife.

 

If this had been a one night stand or a couple nights with someone, then I would still be worried but much less so. After this length of time, you do need to consider the affair being made known at some time...and maybe very soon.

 

You know she's going to kick you to the curb or expect you to leave and you're protecting your ego, not your wife.

 

I don't know that it is your ego that you are protecting, but it certainly seems that it is YOU that you are protecting and not her. I don't think that you are worried about ruining HER life and hurting her, but I do think that you are worried about ruining YOUR life and hurting yourself.

 

Don't do anything rash, but do think this through. You have royally screwed up. You can rationalize all that you want about what caused you to cheat, but you need now to take responsibility for what you did and clean up the mess you made.

[shame_on_me]

The thing is, people are wonderfully self-absorbed. Your affair and any subsequent divorces will not be front and center in their lives and at all social gatherings from now to eternity.

 

If (and that is a big if) the affair were to become public knowledge and either marriage ends, it will at best be a flicker of momentary interest, a little gossip, more along the lines of "yeah, I thought those two (you and xOW) had something going on" and then everyone (friends, acquaintances) will go back to their own lives.

 

Others will not care as much as you think.

 

I wish this was true but there are 4 families involved here, I do not want my wife being spoken about or being called a fool for not realising what was going on. I will neither have my ex ow called slandering names for becoming involved with me. Ive seen it before and i hate to admit it but i will likely be let of scott free by the townsfolk while my ex ow will be kicked around. She is a stunning woman and i know other women resent her for it this will make it alot easier for them to bring her down. This is the truth.

[shame_on_me]

Bingo. Someone finally said it (or I missed it if someone else said it).

 

You keep mentioning that you live in a small town and how YOU hear about the OW's divorce. How in the world do you think you can keep this affair quiet then? If it doesn't come out in a divorce proceeding (which it may not), do you not wonder if the OW's husband may spread the news...if the OW doesn't? And people have a way of "confiding" in others. Your OW may confide in someone about the affair she had with you after her divorce proceedings are over (assuming they happen).

 

You will be wishing that you had told your wife.

 

If this had been a one night stand or a couple nights with someone, then I would still be worried but much less so. After this length of time, you do need to consider the affair being made known at some time...and maybe very soon.

 

 

 

I don't know that it is your ego that you are protecting, but it certainly seems that it is YOU that you are protecting and not her. I don't think that you are worried about ruining HER life and hurting her, but I do think that you are worried about ruining YOUR life and hurting yourself.

 

Don't do anything rash, but do think this through. You have royally screwed up. You can rationalize all that you want about what caused you to cheat, but you need now to take responsibility for what you did and clean up the mess you made.

 

 

Yes James u are right, at the moment i am protecting myself i feel like i have been in a car crash and i am coming to terms with the damage.

[woinlove]

I wish this was true but there are 4 families involved here, I do not want my wife being spoken about or being called a fool for not realising what was going on. I will neither have my ex ow called slandering names for becoming involved with me. Ive seen it before and i hate to admit it but i will likely be let of scott free by the townsfolk while my ex ow will be kicked around. She is a stunning woman and i know other women resent her for it this will make it alot easier for them to bring her down. This is the truth.

 

The truth as you see it. You do seem to idolize the MOW, who cheated with a young child at home. Not everyone gives physical appearance the highest priority, and some may look for the kindness, honesty, compassion, and integrity of others. There may be resentment, but it may not be exactly as you currently see it.

 

Who is saying your wife is a fool? Sometimes BS feel like fools for not knowing, but I think most thoughtful people realize there was a WS working hard at keeping the truth from the BS. The problem is not being foolish, it is trusting someone who didn't deserve that trust. Your W likely trusts you, even though she shouldn't.

[shame_on_me]

She isn't saying the OW is evil...she said(most agree) that you are putting the OW and what she wants and needs ahead of your wife. You are allowing your OW to control her choices and her decisions for her life but not your wife. That is wrong.

 

 

The ow has never asked me never to reveal, she once quoted that if she were to be found out she would take it on the chin. I still do not like the thought of this happening tho, i know what our townsfolk are like and i particularly know what my wifes friends are like. Yes i am protecting her i feel i have a duty to her im the one who got her in this mess, i should of walked away from her, i took advantage of her when she was going through a difficult patch. But make no mistake if my wife asked me outright if i had an affair i will tell her yes and tell her the whole truth.

[Snowflower]

I am sure you will. I do not believe OW asked you to protect her. I think that is all on you as well. It is you and your faulty thought process that allows you to protect her at the expense of your wife and her husband. How gallant and noble of you. True KISA. Ride in on the white horse. Sweep her away from the bad time in her life and then move on....all the while protecting her from anything bad that should come her way. And your wife. She is standing knee deep in pile of horse crap and waiting to drown in it.

 

Very true...your wife is standing knee deep in the pile of horse crap from the white horse her husband is riding to save the OW from her distress.

 

OP, even now after the affair is over, you are still trying to save your OW. Very gallant of you. Why doesn't your wife deserve to be saved as well? She will have to save herself, no matter what. Even if you confess and beg and grovel at her feet for the rest of her life, she will have to save herself to keep her integrity and self-worth.

 

The OW got the easy ride. She just had to snare you (and you allowed yourself to be snared) and you saved her. She didn't need to save herself. She still doesn't, because you will do everything you can to save her.

Edited December 18, 2012 by Snowflower