Ended my affair tonight and feeling the anger.

[shame_on_me]

Again, good luck to you.

 

What you don't realize is that your wife- when she knows- is going to have a harder time realizing that you perpetrated a fraud on her over Christmas.

 

And that false security, that damage? Is going to cost you more.

 

My spouse and I have worked really hard to heal. We are doing very well. But I actually had therapy to deal with PTSD because of the triggers and memories around times that were lies, and he did that to me. Even though I could not ask for a better spouse now- I have to work to choose to handle certain triggers and things that revolve around times where my own life was a fraud, because of him.

 

So I would think long and hard. You may think you are protecting your children froma holiday fallout. What you don't realize is that you are actually hurting far more Christmases in the future because of this.

 

I dont think I am, if i tell her before christmas i have ruined it for the kids and i know she will tell me i should of waited until after christmas to destroy her and the kids world.

[Decorative]

I dont think I am, if i tell her before christmas i have ruined it for the kids and i know she will tell me i should of waited until after christmas to destroy her and the kids world.

 

I cannot convince you, and it's not my job to do so.

 

But I would take a step back and listen to the chorus of betrayed spouses on here who have told you- as people in your wife's position, which you are not- how this feels.

 

You're losing daylight on your chance to recover your marriage properly. That may be what you want, deep down. I don't know.

 

I hope you figure out what you need, quickly, so as to cause the least harm possible to your wife. Because every day you delay, it is getting worse. You just cannot see it.

[freestyle]

I'm going to chime in about reading, "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

I'd highly recommend it, too.

 

Glass was a couples counselor for 15 years, and her conclusions are based on hands-on, in the trenches experience.

 

The book also looks at the psychological dynamics from all three sides of the triangle. It's a very cohesive work.

[dreamingoftigers]

I dont think I am, if i tell her before christmas i have ruined it for the kids and i know she will tell me i should of waited until after christmas to destroy her and the kids world.

 

My husband killed Christmas for me: forever....

 

One year he started with the cheating website. Right on the 25th.....

 

Two years later he kept funds aside, we were so broke I couldn't keep the full electric paid. He went and bought himself a brand new laptop on Boxing Day that I found out about.

 

I hate Christmas.

[Bittersweetie]

I dont think I am, if i tell her before christmas i have ruined it for the kids and i know she will tell me i should of waited until after christmas to destroy her and the kids world.

 

FYI...my d-day was three days before Christmas. We spent that Christmas apart. Yes, the holidays were hard, but we survive. Don't underestimate the strength of your wife, your kids, and possibly even yourself.

[Decorative]

I'm going to chime in about reading, "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

I'd highly recommend it, too.

 

Glass was a couples counselor for 15 years, and her conclusions are based on hands-on, in the trenches experience.

 

The book also looks at the psychological dynamics from all three sides of the triangle. It's a very cohesive work.

 

Also? Her son, Ira, is the guy with the cool voice on NPR's "This American Life".

 

That was a blurt. You're welcome. LOL

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband killed Christmas for me: forever....

 

One year he started with the cheating website. Right on the 25th.....

 

Two years later he kept funds aside, we were so broke I couldn't keep the full electric paid. He went and bought himself a brand new laptop on Boxing Day that I found out about.

 

I hate Christmas.

 

I should mention that the laptop was to pursue extra-marital opportunities.

[shame_on_me]

Wouldn't it be ironic if your wife discovered the affair over the holidays? I would be very surprised if your MW doesn't reach out for Christmas. Or you reaching out to her.

 

Based on what we read here, holidays and birthdays and HUGE when it comes to breaking NC.

 

 

I fear this also but as we have deleted each others numbers there is no other way of contacting each other, I dont think she will try anyway, we walked past each other yesterday in our local shop and she didnt even look at me, her head was down the whole time like she didnt care one bit.

[JamesM]

FYI...my d-day was three days before Christmas. We spent that Christmas apart. Yes, the holidays were hard, but we survive. Don't underestimate the strength of your wife, your kids, and possibly even yourself.

 

I have no doubt that one can survive Christmas if the truth be told. The question is...will it make any difference if he tells it before, during, or after Christmas?

 

Will she look back at this Christmas as a fraud as she didn't know yet, or will she be "grateful" that he waited until after the holidays? There is alot of truth to the fact that the kids will have a ruined Christmas, and if it is told after, they won't associate their parents' breakup (assuming) with every Christmas for the rest of their lives.

 

I vote to wait until after. The problem is from personal experience is that the longer we wait to tell anything means that the greater the chance that we don't tell. For the kids' sake I still say wait.

[18Years2Late]

I appreciate all the support I have received even the personal jibes. This affair was truly out of character for me I would never in a million years believe I would lie and cheat on my wife it was always unthinkable. I still can't believe I have done it but I have and I'm trying to cope without going insane.

 

You going insane bc u still love ur OW and ur drug of choice has unexpectedly run out...and more important to ur insanity...ur suffering in silence...I feel ur pain...I really believe that if I had someone in real life to talk to about this I wouldn't feel so insane too...if ur W knew u would then have someone to talk to but then that would also make u insane...it's a no win situation for sure but we made our bed...

[18Years2Late]

And...this is only ur 1st week of NC...the fun has just begun for u...it gets so much better...they say it takes 1/2 of the time ur A lasted to recover from it...by my calculations that's 9 months for u and 18 for me...having fun yet?...I'm not...wait til ur recovering from a fresh D and ur A at the same time...double fun...

[Bittersweetie]

I have no doubt that one can survive Christmas if the truth be told. The question is...will it make any difference if he tells it before, during, or after Christmas?

 

Will she look back at this Christmas as a fraud as she didn't know yet, or will she be "grateful" that he waited until after the holidays? There is alot of truth to the fact that the kids will have a ruined Christmas, and if it is told after, they won't associate their parents' breakup (assuming) with every Christmas for the rest of their lives.

 

I vote to wait until after. The problem is from personal experience is that the longer we wait to tell anything means that the greater the chance that we don't tell. For the kids' sake I still say wait.

 

I think the concern is not Christmas specifically but any holiday to set as a date to wait after. Now it's Christmas; then it's New Years; then it's Valentine's Day; then it's a birthday; etc. Like you mentioned, the longer one waits, the less chance of telling.

 

Shame was going to break up with his Married OW in February but did it this month. So he is able to make the decisions and follow through. I hope he does find the strength to share, as I'm not sure if it's possible to have the kind of relationship he is looking for with his wife without complete truth, whether he tells on Christmas Eve or January 24th or any day.

[nofool4u]

Yes "tell ur wife" being the most, i have clearly stated at this time it cannot be done.

 

It can be, you just won't.

 

Its pretty simple, if you respect your wife, you'll tell her for she deserves to know just what she is married to.

 

If you don't respect her, then keep her in the dark about who she is really with.

[whichwayisup]

I actually agree with this. At this point, Christmas is only 5 days away, so waiting one more week shouldn't be a problem. However, I hope the OP confesses A.S.A.P. after Christmas.

 

He has to wait until after Christmas, not fair to the kids to do this before and ruin their holiday.

 

He isn't going to just 'confess' to his wife, even though we all think he should, he's said many times in various threads, he won't, so suggesting for him to tell her the truth is pointless right now. However, he did say that if she asks him about having an affair, he won't lie to her and he'd tell her the truth.

[whichwayisup]

I fear this also but as we have deleted each others numbers there is no other way of contacting each other, I dont think she will try anyway, we walked past each other yesterday in our local shop and she didnt even look at me, her head was down the whole time like she didnt care one bit.

 

Of course she cares, just like you do. She is going to do exactly as you are. Stay in NC mode and go out of her way to avoid you. Just like you will do when you see her and she looks you. You'll look away because if you don't, you'll end up locking eyes and possibly breaking NC.

 

NC for her is just as hellish as it is for you! She's hurting and in withdrawal, just like you are. Look at it that way instead of her not caring one bit. She is going to do what is best and easiest for HER, and if that means pretending you don't exist, so be it. Would you rather have had to her stare at you, walk over to you, mouth "I love you" to you? Or for her to remember your number and text you?

[dreamingoftigers]

TBH, I don't know for sure if all marital affairs NEED to be revealed to heal a marriage.

 

Honestly, in Shame's case, probably.

 

Truly though: Having been through the Hell that I have been through, I don't think I could put my husband through it if I messed around on him.

 

I just can't see him being able to handle anything like what I did.

 

But then again, if he had been an expert at handling stuff he wouldn't have been a cheater in the first place IDK, IDK.....

[waterwoman]

You going insane bc u still love ur OW and ur drug of choice has unexpectedly run out...and more important to ur insanity...ur suffering in silence...I feel ur pain...I really believe that if I had someone in real life to talk to about this I wouldn't feel so insane too...if ur W knew u would then have someone to talk to but then that would also make u insane...it's a no win situation for sure but we made our bed...

 

It might well be that seeing his w's reaction, pain and anger and shock, might well distract him from his own. I know that although H missed OW a great deal for a while he was more bound up with me. 6m down the line he still thinks of her but not with any strong emotion. Of course if shame's wife is likely to go ape-sh*t, contact OW and blow everything up I can totally understand him waiting until after christmas. I hope she doesn't. For her sake.

[JamesM]

TBH, I don't know for sure if all marital affairs NEED to be revealed to heal a marriage.

 

I agree and wonder the same. Sometimes not knowing does not mean that the marriage cannot heal. And sometimes not telling does not mean the cheater will cheat again nor does it mean that the cheater is not remorseful.

 

The question remains though....by not telling, does that leave it more likely that the person will find him or herself in another affair? Has he or she truly paid the price of an affair?

 

I think each situation may be different. I don't believe t here is one answer for all.

 

 

Truly though: Having been through the Hell that I have been through, I don't think I could put my husband through it if I messed around on him.

 

I just can't see him being able to handle anything like what I did.

 

Don't underestimate him. Would you have wanted to know or not? Would you have wanted to live in ignorance if he truly was remorseful and had never cheated again?

 

Personally, I don't know. If my wife has cheated, then I don't think I would want to know now that things are going so well. On the other hand, if I did find out down the road, then everything up to that point would be suspect.

 

And if I had an affair, then if you asked, she would say yes, she wants to know. Yet sparing her of the pain and never telling her...would that be wrong?

 

Many mixed feelings, but I don't think that in every case, telling is best.

[BetrayedH]

In the year and a half I have been here, I have only once seen a BS say that they wish they didn't know (although I see OW claim plenty of the time that the wife doesn't want to know). It was a surprise to me the one time I saw it and I made a mental note of it. I have since twice asked if there is any BS that would like to say they wish they didn't know. There were no takers. Let's make it three times. Anyone?

[18Years2Late]

In the year and a half I have been here, I have only once seen a BS say that they wish they didn't know (although I see OW claim plenty of the time that the wife doesn't want to know). It was a surprise to me the one time I saw it and I made a mental note of it. I have since twice asked if there is any BS that would like to say they wish they didn't know. There were no takers. Let's make it three times. Anyone?

 

I wish I didn't know my xMOM...does that count?...

 

Of course most aren't going to say "I wish I didn't know"...bc chances are good that if they didn't know the A would still be going strong...when they know the A bubble bursts...

[Saba]

Of course most aren't going to say "I wish I didn't know"...bc chances are good that if they didn't know the A would still be going strong...when they know the A bubble bursts...

 

The truth allows for much more than just stopping the affair. The affair makes the marriage a facade. If the marriage is not based on truth, if the agreement that the couple has made is not respected, then it is no good to either party. WS seem to think that their BS will be hurt unnecessarily if they disclose the affair, which is crazy! The WS has not protected the BS throughout the affair and it is laughable that keeping the affair a secret will save the BS some hurt.

 

I think initially both parties in the marriage are frightened of change after disclosure (which is normal as pretty much everyone is frightened of change). Some kind of change has to occur in the marriage after the affair (regardless of whether they divorce or reconcile). The WS will have to face the consequences of their actions, the BS finally gets to make an informed choice about their future.