Five years of dating...he says he isn't ready for marriage situation.

[dmachado12]

My sister after dating a guy for about six months was engaged. My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years and are not engaged. My boyfriend and I have discussed the idea of getting married numerous times. Since my sister has been engaged I've been getting a lot of questioning as to why I wasn't engaged. I talked to my boyfriend and explained that I thought we should get engaged bc I felt it was the next stage in our relationship. He explained he wasn't ready to get married now. But could easily see us get engaged within the year. I am not sure what will change in that year. We live together both have stable jobs and would say we are ready financially. I feel like there's more to this he says there really isn't. Has anyone had a similar situation? I am really upset that he wants to wait another year to get engaged bc I feel like I'm being strung around. Any advice would be helpful.

[M30USA]

My sister after dating a guy for about six months was engaged. My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years and are not engaged. My boyfriend and I have discussed the idea of getting married numerous times. Since my sister has been engaged I've been getting a lot of questioning as to why I wasn't engaged. I talked to my boyfriend and explained that I thought we should get engaged bc I felt it was the next stage in our relationship. He explained he wasn't ready to get married now. But could easily see us get engaged within the year. I am not sure what will change in that year. We live together both have stable jobs and would say we are ready financially. I feel like there's more to this he says there really isn't. Has anyone had a similar situation? I am really upset that he wants to wait another year to get engaged bc I feel like I'm being strung around. Any advice would be helpful.

 

If you were a man in modern America, would you get married? It's not a rigged question. I'm just asking you to put yourself in the shoes of men in the current situation. Men have nothing to gain and everything to lose in marriage. Women have everything to gain and nothing to lose in marriage. All the child custody laws favor women. Property division favors women. Men have to pay child support and alimony. Plus, even if the marriage doesn't fail, according to surveys (given to women) most household decisions are made primarily by the women and they readily admit their husbands don't have much say. Again, would you get married if you were a man? At the very least, understand our hesitancy. I used to believe what women said about how men are afraid of committment. I no longer believe that. I believe men are wise and won't eagerly risk their entire lives. There WAS a day in former times when men actually eagerly sought after marriage. Those were the days when his children weren't assumed to be the woman's possessions and when he didn't risk losing all he had.

[Clockwork]

This is one thing I don't get about women. You've caught onto us telling you a dress DOESN'T make you look fat right? You've caught onto us pretending to listen and don't believe it. Why, oh why do you not catch onto the most obvious ploy a man can feed a woman? I am talking about "It is only a piece of paper." Ladies, I have a confession to make, we men invented that one and somehow, someway have brainwashed you into believing it yourself to the point where there are women similar to the original post who stay with a guy for years without even getting a ring. Why do men do it? Because we can't commit and we are comfortable with the girl we are with and prefer to have her wait until we know for sure.

 

Honestly, if this guy wanted to marry you he would have by now. That should be a red flag right there. I got engaged to my wife after 14 months and had a 6 month engagement. Do the math, that's 20 months. Hanging onto a woman for 5 years without putting your money where your mouth is is just simply leading her on until something better comes along

[M30USA]

This is one thing I don't get about women. You've caught onto us telling you a dress DOESN'T make you look fat right? You've caught onto us pretending to listen and don't believe it. Why, oh why do you not catch onto the most obvious ploy a man can feed a woman? I am talking about "It is only a piece of paper." Ladies, I have a confession to make, we men invented that one and somehow, someway have brainwashed you into believing it yourself to the point where there are women similar to the original post who stay with a guy for years without even getting a ring. Why do men do it? Because we can't commit and we are comfortable with the girl we are with and prefer to have her wait until we know for sure.

 

Honestly, if this guy wanted to marry you he would have by now. That should be a red flag right there. I got engaged to my wife after 14 months and had a 6 month engagement. Do the math, that's 20 months. Hanging onto a woman for 5 years without putting your money where your mouth is is just simply leading her on until something better comes along

 

Gotta agree. Yet your points still don't contradict my post.

[pinkie]

I've never had to wait longer than a year and half to get the ring and I've been engaged 3 times.

 

If he knows you want a lifetime committment and children and you're both financially stable, what's the hold up? I'd really begin to question the point of the relationship and start entertaining other options.. Unless age is a factor and he feels that maybe your just too young/immature? Either way, I think the least he could do is talk to you openly and honestly about his thoughts and how long he expects you to wait. 5 years is too long.

[Nyla]

Don't get engaged just because your sister is and because people are asking questions. Sounds like some sibling rivalry/competition to me.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you. If he wanted to, he would have put on ring on it already. Time for you to go if marriage is what you want; don't waste any more years.

 

My cousin had two children for a man who she has been with him since high school. She is becoming depressed and suicidal because her kid's father won't marry her. I think she was stupid to give him two kids without being married if matrimony was so important to her. Why should her man propose if he is getting all the benefits of marriage without the commitment?

 

I was engaged to my husband after a year and eight months. We had a long engagement due to financial difficulties and deciding how to get married. I have been with my husband for nearly six years and married for two years.

[Cutiepie1976]

I have been engaged three times as well, and if I didn't head things off at the pass would have faced other proposals.

 

I think you need to re-read your old threads from last year. I don't know a nicer way to say this but unfortunately, you're Ms. Right Now while he continues his search for Ms. Right. He was making it very clear even then. He had little interest in his relationship with you, was displaying clear signs of cheating, and then started to play mind games with you. You opted to ignore the feedback you received, instead defending and rationalizing his bad behavior. I suspect you'll continue to do the same now. When he meets the right person, he will jump at the opportunity to marry her.

 

You're a wonderful person, no doubt. Perfect in many ways. But in his eyes you somehow aren't right for him. We can't make people like us. We can't make them love us. We can't make them want to marry us. Hanging around year after year in the face of limited interest and his semi-overt interest and pursuit of other women really does/did you no favors.

[Cutiepie1976]

If you were a man in modern America, would you get married? It's not a rigged question. I'm just asking you to put yourself in the shoes of men in the current situation. Men have nothing to gain and everything to lose in marriage. Women have everything to gain and nothing to lose in marriage. All the child custody laws favor women. Property division favors women. Men have to pay child support and alimony. Plus, even if the marriage doesn't fail, according to surveys (given to women) most household decisions are made primarily by the women and they readily admit their husbands don't have much say. Again, would you get married if you were a man? At the very least, understand our hesitancy. I used to believe what women said about how men are afraid of committment. I no longer believe that. I believe men are wise and won't eagerly risk their entire lives. There WAS a day in former times when men actually eagerly sought after marriage. Those were the days when his children weren't assumed to be the woman's possessions and when he didn't risk losing all he had.

Sorry, we are in the 21st century now. Men, if they're interested typically get 50:50 custody with their ex-wives.

 

I won't even bother responding to the rest!

[veggirl]

5 years is way too long unless you were like 20 and now 25. I'd have a 2 yr max, probably.

 

(whats with all the women who have been engaged 3x? how have you said "yes" to 3 men you never made it down the aisle with? that sounds so crazy. or were you guys married?)

[dreamingoftigers]

Edit: I was 23 when I got married.

 

5 years is way too long unless you were like 20 and now 25. I'd have a 2 yr max, probably.

 

(whats with all the women who have been engaged 3x? how have you said "yes" to 3 men you never made it down the aisle with? that sounds so crazy. or were you guys married?)

 

In my case, the first one was when I was 18. I had been with my bf for 1.5 years. We were too young/immature. It died a natural death.

 

The second case. Again together 2.5 years. Mormon bf, usually they move a lot faster than that. Took off to another city 6 weeks before we were going to get married. Social issues to boot.

 

Third time was my husband. He proposed at 3 months. We would've been married sooner than the year mark but we had to wait for his birth certificate. Since he didn't know his bio dad and his bio mom was dead, it got rejected the first and second time because we didn't have all of the info. Eventually he wrote a letter explaining why he didn't have all of the info and they granted it.

[Cutiepie1976]

5 years is way too long unless you were like 20 and now 25. I'd have a 2 yr max, probably.

 

(whats with all the women who have been engaged 3x? how have you said "yes" to 3 men you never made it down the aisle with? that sounds so crazy. or were you guys married?)

 

Never married, never pregnant, etc.

 

The first time I was just shy of 17 and a freshman in college. My fiancé was a senior. I didn't know how to say no without ending the relationship or hurting his feelings. I've since learned that being upfront is better than delaying the inevitable. Truly one of the most wonderful guys I've ever met, but wrong timing.

 

The second time I was 19/20. The third time I was 22. I was very frank with him that my career was my primary priority. He was willing to wait. Ultimately the interminable wait became a real issue, and we broke up. I had a male boss in his early sixties who commented that the issue wasn't timing. The issue was that he wasn't the one. That when I met the right guy, I would just "know," and I wouldn't let timing, career trajectory, or any other details stop me. In retrospect, he was right.

 

Contrary to what is written by guys on LS, all three guys were great catches with lots of other options. In fact, the third was featured as one of the most eligible bachelors in the US in a major media outlet shortly after we broke up. He's dated a couple of famous Hollywood actresses. Ran into him (with his date) recently at a sporting event, and he's still single because he hasn't met the right person for him. The first two are happily married and dads.

 

From those three, I learned to see the warning signs that a proposal was coming and to head off the discussion. I'm very open and clear about my reasons for dating throughout a relationship, but some invariably hope to change your mind.

 

It's only within the last year that I've come full circle and become interested in getting married. I'm where I want to be in my career. Now I'm happy to stick that on the back burner and focus on finding the right guy to share my life with and hopefully start a family. My belief for myself (not saying this should be true for others;)) is that your spouse then your children should be your first priorities, but it's a richer, more rewarding experience when both partners are already personally fulfilled. So for me, that included becoming successful in my career, seeing the world, and figuring out who I am and what I'm about first. Figuring out my capabilities. Now I'm ready.

[pinkie]

I married extremely young (21 yrs. old) the 1st time... Should've had it annulled, it lasted 8 months. I married again at 26 and am still currently married (13 yrs total), however separated for 7 yrs. (amicably). I am currently engaged with no plans of legal marriage until divorced from current H (obviously).

 

Also, luckily, no children.

Edited December 16, 2012 by pinkie

[M30USA]

Sorry, we are in the 21st century now. Men, if they're interested typically get 50:50 custody with their ex-wives.

 

I won't even bother responding to the rest!

 

That is factually incorrect--at least in my state. My state has a jurisdictional statue which states that, while it is in best interest of the child to have contact with BOTH parents, it's NOT in the best interest of the child to have 50/50 custody, but rather have a primary custodian with the other parent having standard possession (meaning alternating weekends, as well as every Thursday).

 

You might be talking about situations where parents AGREE to have 50/50 custody. Otherwise, when the courts rule, they do not choose that situation--unless it's a temporary order pending a final ruling.

 

I believe you are using the idea of "50/50" very loosely to suggest the same thing as "joint custody". You can have joint custody and still only have your child between 15% and 40% of the time.

 

I personally fought for my children. I was shown to be a responsible father with no criminal history. To say that any man gets 50/50 if he WANTS it is factually incorrect. And I can tell you from personal experience it's incorrect as well.

Edited December 16, 2012 by M30USA

[Mr. Lucky]

My sister after dating a guy for about six months was engaged. My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years and are not engaged. My boyfriend and I have discussed the idea of getting married numerous times. Since my sister has been engaged I've been getting a lot of questioning as to why I wasn't engaged. I talked to my boyfriend and explained that I thought we should get engaged bc I felt it was the next stage in our relationship. He explained he wasn't ready to get married now. But could easily see us get engaged within the year. I am not sure what will change in that year. We live together both have stable jobs and would say we are ready financially. I feel like there's more to this he says there really isn't. Has anyone had a similar situation? I am really upset that he wants to wait another year to get engaged bc I feel like I'm being strung around. Any advice would be helpful.

 

Dmachado12, why do you think he hasn't proposed? Not based on what he's told you, but what do YOU think is the reason?

 

Mr. Lucky

[M30USA]

Give me a friggen break.

 

The OP said they BOTH HAVE stable jobs, so don't be acting as though he's the only one contributing and is the only one that stands to lose anything.

 

Secondly, do you have any IDEA what it costs to raise a child?? You think $300 or $400 a month is JUST so crippling for a guy in order to support a kid HE helped bring into the world?? That's a freakin CAR payment. The custodial parent has to provide living quarters big enough to accommodate extra bedrooms for a kid(s), extra food, extra EVERYTHING! You think $400 a month is gravy to most custodial parents? Good Christ.

 

And for your information, usually the only time alimony is paid is IF the mother willingly gave up her career/job to stay home and raise the kids - usually a JOINT decision by both partners. What the hell kind of job do you think a woman is going to get after being home for 8 years wiping noses and changing diapers???? Mover and shaker? CEO? No, it's going to be a low paying job which probably won't support HER let alone the 2 or 3 kids she takes with her.

 

The stats say that when a divorce occurs, a woman's standard of living generally goes DOWN.

 

You freakin men need to SERIOUSLY stop spouting off at the mouth about things you really don't know about. Just because you have a bitter brother or bitter uncle that maybe WAS taken for a financial ride, doesn't mean that's how it works for EVERY man.

 

And lastly, in the US, more WOMEN are graduating from college than MEN. That means in today's world, more and more women are getting good paying jobs and there's every chance that women are making what their husbands are or MORE.

 

I'm so sick of hearing this crap from the uninformed.

 

I have plenty of experience. I just went through a divorce. I have 2 children. I pay child support. I know all about custody court.

[Radu]

Don't get engaged just because your sister is and because people are asking questions. Sounds like some sibling rivalry/competition to me.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you. If he wanted to, he would have put on ring on it already. Time for you to go if marriage is what you want; don't waste any more years.

 

My cousin had two children for a man who she has been with him since high school. She is becoming depressed and suicidal because her kid's father won't marry her. I think she was stupid to give him two kids without being married if matrimony was so important to her. Why should her man propose if he is getting all the benefits of marriage without the commitment?

 

I was engaged to my husband after a year and eight months. We had a long engagement due to financial difficulties and deciding how to get married. I have been with my husband for nearly six years and married for two years.

 

I agree with this, it sounds as if your sister's getting engaged is what sparked this debate and that's not quite right.

If you wanted to get married why didn't you discuss it with him untill now, before this happened ?

[D-Lish]

Guys don't like to be told they need to put a ring on your finger- it sort of takes the wind out of their sails. You can't harass someone into marrying you- they'll either do it when they are ready, or they won't.

 

Only you can decide if he is stringing you along. If you think he is, and you aren't happy with the current arrangement- YOU have the option to change the situation by either living with it, or leaving.

 

You brought it up, he deflected. I'd leave the subject alone and start doing your own thing. When a guy feels pressured, he WILL retreat.

[crude]

This is a typical situation that could be settled by you proposing to him to bring things to a head. If he says no, then end the relationship immediately. But of course a woman must never propose to a man, because lots of best selling books say so. In that case, just keep things status quo for another 5 years, and if he doesn't propose, then end the relationship in 2018.

[Stillgrowing]

This is just my personal story, but my husband and I lived together for a few years before getting married. We had dated a couple before that. He said he wanted to marry me, I trusted him. What I didn't know until later was that he had a personal and financial goal in mind which I would have thought was crazy since we were living together anyway but it was important to him. He proposed after about 5 years. We have been together a total of 23 now, married for 17. I think it comes down to if you trust him or not and if he places any value on marriage.

 

sg

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP - I think that your relationship as it is probably meets the needs your boyfriend has. What is his motivation to marry supposed to be? I am all for cohabiting, but after 5 years have passed it might be pretty difficult to see the point in "becoming engaged" in a year. It seems unlikely. I mean, by this point it would seem that you're either getting married, or you're not.

 

Are you ready to maintain this status quo? Are you ready to issue an ultimatum?

 

If you were a man in modern America, would you get married? It's not a rigged question. I'm just asking you to put yourself in the shoes of men in the current situation. Men have nothing to gain and everything to lose in marriage. Women have everything to gain and nothing to lose in marriage.

 

I get that you have embraced the role of terminal victim, but there aren't any victims in the situation posed by the OP.

 

Marriage is a great risk and tremendous leap of faith for anyone who undertakes it - not just you poor men.

[Almond_Joy]

My sister after dating a guy for about six months was engaged. My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years and are not engaged. My boyfriend and I have discussed the idea of getting married numerous times. Since my sister has been engaged I've been getting a lot of questioning as to why I wasn't engaged. I talked to my boyfriend and explained that I thought we should get engaged bc I felt it was the next stage in our relationship. He explained he wasn't ready to get married now. But could easily see us get engaged within the year. I am not sure what will change in that year. We live together both have stable jobs and would say we are ready financially. I feel like there's more to this he says there really isn't. Has anyone had a similar situation? I am really upset that he wants to wait another year to get engaged bc I feel like I'm being strung around. Any advice would be helpful.

 

The thing that popped out to me about this post is that you seemed fine with your relationship until your sister started asking questions. Nyla already said it, but I'll reiterate, don't look at other people's relationships and expectations to gage the quality of your own. You know best what you need to be happy.

 

I also happen to agree with Nyla that by the two year mark, people usually know whether or not they're willing to marry somebody. That mark's come and gone. If you're ready now to get married and he's not you've got a problem.