Never been with another man

[toomanynappies]

I am 28, I have been with my man since we were 15. I love him dearly and we have 5 beautiful kids together. We have been like any relationship, we have had our fights, we have nearly split, we have had our fantastic times.

 

Now I feel like the biggest bitch even talking about this but I am finding now that I am becoming attracted to other men. I want to experience another man, my boyfriend was my first and only. I have only ever kissed one other guy and it was his best friend at a party when we were all 15. I kissed them both on the same night and then starting going out with my boyfriend the next day. To this day he does not know that.

 

I was his first as well but he has cheated twice so has been with three other women (once was a threesome with hookers, the other an affair that lasted about a month). Sometimes I really resent that but not because he cheated (as bad as that was) but because he has experienced other people, I find myself more jealous than anything else when I think about them. I feel that I have missed out on a lot by finding my partner too early in life. My friends all talk about an ex that did this or a one night stand that did that or sleeping with multiple guys over a weekend and I have never had any of that. I know it’s probably just a grass is always greener scenario but I have got to the point I feel almost compelled to act.

 

I am finally back to being somewhat in shape, as much as possible after 5 kids, and I notice that I am getting looks from the men again. I always had this but I never really gave it any thought at all, now when I see that man looking at me, I smile back and although I have not done anything I start to wonder things like would he be a good kisser, what would he be like sexually etc. One man did approach me and gave me his number but I have never phoned it but I have sat at home staring at the piece of paper with the phone in my hand more than once. My gym instructor has started dropping massive hints that she is a lesbian and I feel they are directed towards me for a reason, why else would she tell?

 

My friends tell me I have it all and maybe I am just a bit bored and maybe we need to spice things up a bit. One of my friends even offered to join us, she was only joking though. But it did get me thinking that I wouldn’t be against that idea. That is how my head is working at the moment, I just want to experience new things. So how do we spice things up? We have been very adventurous in the bedroom, there is probably not much left to try.

 

Would bringing another woman in spice things up, I am sure my boyfriend would go for that? I would prefer another man but I don’t think he would go for that. Maybe it is better if I just find a one night stand and get it out of my system? If I don’t do something I am going to ruin this relationship because I honestly can’t stop thinking about it. Am I just being selfish?

[orcunderabridge]

I wonder how many threads on LS lately are pure fiction....

[salparadise]

You have several issues to think about. And they are important issues that have the potential to change the course of your life, and each of your children's lives. If you throw them all in a bag and shake them up it will be hard to get clarity. So separate them, resolve them one at a time, come to an understanding as to what's right for you. Then see what the big picture looks like with most of the puzzle pieces are in place.

 

• Your value system, mores
  
• Your love and respect for your husband
  
• Integrity of your relationship and family
  
• Past infidelity, potential future infidelity
  
• Orientation regarding same & opposite sex, and other people in your marital bed
  
• Your physical and emotional needs
  

 

My opinion is that you should make choices that maintain the integrity of your relationship with your husband. Since the two of you have had an adventurous sexual relationship, it's not likely that you'd find some random hookup fulfilling. The first time with new people tends not to be all that good. It takes time and experience with a specific partner to make it really great. A three-way could be the solution if you feel all you need is to experience one other man. You could perhaps make a deal with your husband and do threesomes with both men and women.

 

The do it once and get it over with option is the least desirable, I think, because it devalues and/or risks too much, and perhaps for nothing but a disappointing experience. Only you know how strong the itch is, but I'd tend to side with your friends who are saying you've got it all, and don't fall for the grass is greener illusion.

[aed]

I am 28, I have been with my man since we were 15. I love him dearly and we have 5 beautiful kids together. We have been like any relationship, we have had our fights, we have nearly split, we have had our fantastic times.

 

Now I feel like the biggest bitch even talking about this but I am finding now that I am becoming attracted to other men. I want to experience another man, my boyfriend was my first and only. I have only ever kissed one other guy and it was his best friend at a party when we were all 15. I kissed them both on the same night and then starting going out with my boyfriend the next day. To this day he does not know that.

 

I was his first as well but he has cheated twice so has been with three other women (once was a threesome with hookers, the other an affair that lasted about a month). Sometimes I really resent that but not because he cheated (as bad as that was) but because he has experienced other people, I find myself more jealous than anything else when I think about them. I feel that I have missed out on a lot by finding my partner too early in life. My friends all talk about an ex that did this or a one night stand that did that or sleeping with multiple guys over a weekend and I have never had any of that. I know it’s probably just a grass is always greener scenario but I have got to the point I feel almost compelled to act.

 

I am finally back to being somewhat in shape, as much as possible after 5 kids, and I notice that I am getting looks from the men again. I always had this but I never really gave it any thought at all, now when I see that man looking at me, I smile back and although I have not done anything I start to wonder things like would he be a good kisser, what would he be like sexually etc. One man did approach me and gave me his number but I have never phoned it but I have sat at home staring at the piece of paper with the phone in my hand more than once. My gym instructor has started dropping massive hints that she is a lesbian and I feel they are directed towards me for a reason, why else would she tell?

 

My friends tell me I have it all and maybe I am just a bit bored and maybe we need to spice things up a bit. One of my friends even offered to join us, she was only joking though. But it did get me thinking that I wouldn’t be against that idea. That is how my head is working at the moment, I just want to experience new things. So how do we spice things up? We have been very adventurous in the bedroom, there is probably not much left to try.

 

Would bringing another woman in spice things up, I am sure my boyfriend would go for that? I would prefer another man but I don’t think he would go for that. Maybe it is better if I just find a one night stand and get it out of my system? If I don’t do something I am going to ruin this relationship because I honestly can’t stop thinking about it. Am I just being selfish?

 

Why don't talk about it with your man and tell you want to know how it is to be with an other man. Tell it's just the experience and keep communicating about it and don't be angery at your man. And maybe you two can work this out.

[Negative Nancy]

You should've dumped him when he cheated on you.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Fictional or not, your post is entirely reasonable. Experience is the only worthwhile thing in life; only experience allows us to feel alive, go through ecstasy and misery, learn about ourselves, become stronger and wiser, and have no regrets about our past, even mistakes, so long as they were experiences. Inexperience is why, at 24 and having lived most of my life under a rock, I still feel like an 12-year-old around women. That you've only been with one man in your life must feel like a disaster, and your husband hasn't suppressed his adventurous side himself. With five kids, you've got some strings attached for life -- but what's wrong with a little secret fun?

 

Not everything can ever really be shared with a partner... Some things in life you gotta do alone, and keep them to yourself.

[Darren Steez]

Tis the season for nonsense..

[Radu]

OP, a while back i read this book by a woman who discussed going through the exact same thing.

I won't spoil the book's ending, because you need to read it and understand what is going on with you [it's partially biological].

The book is called "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Bachmann, and she wrote a follow-up.

I hope the name of the book doesn't put you off, the author found that what you are going through is what many women go through just before [or at] 30.

 

Once you read it, take the apropiate corrective measures and share them with your husband.

What you feel right now, should be shared with him ... a good case for this is made in that book.

 

Also, for those 2 occasions where he cheated ... i hope you punished him and not just swept them under the rug.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi toomanynappies, you had an old fashioned relationship--the kind people used to have when life span was 45. It's near impossible to give advice since the world (or at least modern America) has moved on so much. I can't imagine a foxy 28 year old with five kids (my mom had 6 by 30 just to illustrate). But I'm afraid what is good or bad for such a clutch of children would tend to weigh heavily on your choices if you are a truly responsible person. I don't think that necessarily means don't experiment sexually (there are such things call fhuck buddies where you get it on without emotionaly invested) but it does mean to keep your emotions under guard--that's where is can all go haywire i.e falling in love or deep lust that tends to become your challenging priority while you still have so many young children. I just advise a little caution that way but I truly sympathize with what you must be experiencing. To me, women in their 30's and 40's are at their peak of beauty and sexiness (even though the media is youth-obsessed and makes it seem men are). I hope you manage to find outlet without trouble. Good luck.

[salparadise]

The book is called "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Bachmann, and she wrote a follow-up.

 

I believe you mean Michelle Langley, right? Michelle Bachmann is tea party darling, republican representative from Minnesota.

 

If you're interested in the biological basis for our motivations I would suggest the book "The Moral Animal" by Robert Wright. It's an excellent intro to the field of evolutionary psychology. But not just an intro; the second half goes in depth. It's not just one guy's take on this subject area––it's well researched.

[Radu]

I believe you mean Michelle Langley, right? Michelle Bachmann is tea party darling, republican representative from Minnesota.

 

If you're interested in the biological basis for our motivations I would suggest the book "The Moral Animal" by Robert Wright. It's an excellent intro to the field of evolutionary psychology. But not just an intro; the second half goes in depth. It's not just one guy's take on this subject area––it's well researched.

 

If i could, i would apologize to Michelle Langley for the mixup ... such a smart woman should not be compared to that 'thing'.

 

The Moral Animal is a very good book, but quite frankly ... it would give the OP a way to rationalise the dissolution of her marriage.

Michelle's book has a way to fix things because she went through the same thing.

[CptSaveAho]

GIGS... can't stop it

 

didn't date around enough and married your first love

[toomanynappies]

Thanks Radu for the book reccomendation (and salparadise for the correct author ). I will have a read.

 

I had been looking for a good opening to try and discuss my feelings with my man but as usual in a hectic life the opportunity never presents itself. We ended up having a huge fight the day after Christmas and in my stupidity because I was angry I told him that I wanted to experience another man. As you can expect that didn't go down well. The fight and non-communication continued until today.

 

Today he apologises for the fight, tells me he loves me, tells me he understands why I want to be with another man (and then saves face a little by saying he cheated for the same reasons). But he told me that he could not bear thinking of me being with anyone else and pleaded with me not to act on it, but, and I feel this is important, told me if I did he would understand. I really don't know what to make of it.

 

I had a quick look at that book online and it seems as though most (all) of the women have cheated. I must make this clear I have not cheated, I hope to never cheat. I would love to share someone else with my man and who knows I may hate it and never want to do anything like that again. The scary though is what if I like it.

 

At least we now have an open dialogue on the issue and hopefully we can discuss things in far more depth before we get anywhere near actually doing anything. In the meantime I will get my hands on a copy of that book and have a read.

[MrVegas]

I agree with the other posters about not jumping into this without thinking of the consequences. Most importantly, try to narrow down what it is you feel you need. You seem to be all over the place here. Are you into girls, or curious about it? Is it being with 2 people at once? Is it trying a different mans anatomy? Or is the desire to "be" with another man?

 

These all have different paths, and trying to explore them all at once might prove to be more hassle than it is worth. Do include your husband in the process. Cheating will give you regret (maybe), trust issues with your hussband (most likely), and if you get caught, some major problems (guaranteed).

 

Once you know what you desire, and you discuss openly in a non-hostile way with your husband, you will be able to know what to do, and what boundaries are in place. Your husband might not be able to handle the thought of you being with another man, but lets face it, he got to have another person, if at the end it is what you crave, he may just have to accept it.

 

Either way, cheating probably is not the best route

[road]

I have never seen a RA, revenge affair or a three some ever solve any problems. They only make more things worse.

 

At 15 you had cheated.

Now your WH has several times.

 

Instead of sending you out to cheat or divorce your WH how about using that you have kids and a marriage to save to get two books so all these affairs do not get rug swept but healed from.

 

Surviving An Affair, to recover from the affairs, and His Needs Her Needs, to learn how to have a better marriage and affair proof your marriage. Both books are by Dr Harley.

 

Drop the friend that suggested the three some.

[toomanynappies]

At 15 you had cheated.

 

Well to be fair I never cheated.

 

I was single, I was at a party, I kissed a boy, later in the night a kissed a different boy, these two boys happened to be best mates (I did not know that), the next day the second boy asked me out and we have been together ever since.

 

I never mentioned the first kiss and neither did his mate and it was probably about 2 years later that him and I actually discussed it and agreed that we should never mention it, that no good would come of it.

 

So cheating? I think not.

[Radu]

Thanks Radu for the book reccomendation (and salparadise for the correct author ). I will have a read.

 

I had been looking for a good opening to try and discuss my feelings with my man but as usual in a hectic life the opportunity never presents itself. We ended up having a huge fight the day after Christmas and in my stupidity because I was angry I told him that I wanted to experience another man. As you can expect that didn't go down well. The fight and non-communication continued until today.

 

Today he apologises for the fight, tells me he loves me, tells me he understands why I want to be with another man (and then saves face a little by saying he cheated for the same reasons). But he told me that he could not bear thinking of me being with anyone else and pleaded with me not to act on it, but, and I feel this is important, told me if I did he would understand. I really don't know what to make of it.

 

I had a quick look at that book online and it seems as though most (all) of the women have cheated. I must make this clear I have not cheated, I hope to never cheat. I would love to share someone else with my man and who knows I may hate it and never want to do anything like that again. The scary though is what if I like it.

 

At least we now have an open dialogue on the issue and hopefully we can discuss things in far more depth before we get anywhere near actually doing anything. In the meantime I will get my hands on a copy of that book and have a read.

 

I know you haven't cheated.

I think you should read that book because :

- it can serve as a warning to your mind

- it will present the steps you will go through beforehand

- it will make you aware of the biological angle on what is happening to you [and there is one]

 

You know what they say ... prepare for the worst, hope for the best.