Scarlett5 Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 I'm posting this here as well as the general section, as most of you guys have experienced long-term relationships: Does or has anyone ever felt pressured to be the ‘main event’ in someone’s life? I really struggle with the thought of being someone’s girlfriend/wife, and the thought of them relying on me for emotional support and entertainment (couldn’t think of a better word). Fulfilling someone's relationship needs and making them feel needed seems like a huge deal to me, and yet other people seem to have no issues with it - it comes naturally to them and I am surrounded by marriage and couples. My head knows I have a lot of great qualities and that I can definitely be a great girlfriend. But my heart, for some reason, doesn’t think I’m capable. My feelings and thoughts just don’t gel. In the past this has swayed me towards the emotionally unavailable man, and has pretty much kept me single for most of my 20s (I’m 27). I really want to break out of this rut, but there’s still a little voice nagging away that doesn’t think I’m good enough. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 It sounds like you have some intimacy and self esteem issues. Why do you feel that you are not good enough? Remember that every couple defines their own relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett5 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 I honestly don't know why....my Mum was the same, so I think I have learned the behaviour from her when I was younger. Only, I didn't realise this for a long time. I look around me at others and I KNOW I am good enough, but that little voice still nags away. It's strange....like I'll be dating someone and I almost feel as though I'm just temporary and I'm waiting for the real deal to come along and replace me. That's not a reflection of how the guy feels, but how I feel. It's led me to poor choices and to guys who have been nowhere near good enough for me - because I feel more comfortable with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 You do know why. We all have the answers inside of us. Learned behavior is a powerful thing. I swore I wouldn't have a bad temper like my mom but I still have severe anger management difficulties. Therapy helps. So you feel like you are temporary for the men? I used to be with men who were far from good enough for anyone; abusive, controlling and selfish. It was because I didn't think I could do any better. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 I know this suggestion is virtually overused in LS, but have you spoken to a therapist about this? Talking to someone qualified to handle such stuff IRL is bound to be more effective than talking online via LS. You seem to have a bundle of self-esteem issues that need sorting out, and a good therapist might be the best place to start. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 I really struggle with the thought of being someone’s girlfriend/wife, and the thought of them relying on me for emotional support and entertainment (couldn’t think of a better word). This sentence can describe every one of the (few) girls I dated when I was single. Even at a young age, I was looking for something long-term . . . and was inevitably dumped every time. Sometimes they would offer up excuses about not being good enough for an LTR but I didn't take that seriously because I always came away from things feeling that I wasn't good enough from an attraction standpoint. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett5 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 I think it's just a learned behaviour....there's no other reason for me to feel that way. I don't have difficulties with friendships, but I guess that could be because my friends have other friends I did have therapy, briefly. She said 'surely you can have any guy you want' so not very helpful. But, she did help me to see other things clearly, so wasn't all bad. I'd definitely consider finding another therapist though, in the future. Although I can't really afford to go down that road at the moment. Duck soup - I need to work my issues out on my own before trying them out on anyone although this is risky because I'll think I'm fine until I start dating and then realise I'm not Maybe it is a self esteem issue, deep down. I'm not entirely sure how to build my self esteem up though if that's the case..... Link to post Share on other sites
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