salparadise Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 People experience love differently. For example, there are those who decide to be in love based on criteria assessment (or other reasons) and those for whom it's an all consuming emotion that they can't easily control. A person who has decided cognitively to be in love or in a relationship can decide just as easily to be out of love. But a person who experiences love as all consuming emotion can't switch it off and doesn't usually want to. When someone can be in love one minute and out of it the next, or terminate for seemingly insignificant practical reasons, or go from being in love with one person to being in love with someone else in a short time frame... these people are not experiencing love the way most healthy people do. For these people it's often more about getting their needs met; people and situations are interchangeable because the attachment is not to the person. It's about what someone can do for them, or how someone makes them feel about themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
pettie Posted December 18, 2012 Share Posted December 18, 2012 We both knew what we had to deal with going into this. She was all for it just as much as I was. Her main argument wasn't so much the children it was her inability to deal with being alone...even tho I am (was now) in the same position as her. Although I hated being without her I could tolerate it because I was looking towards the future. I left the UK November 10th after a two week stay. Shortly after is when things started to change and fast. I went from being the love of her life,her world and wanting to be with me forever to " I can't stand to be alone and cant wait for you" So here I am still confused because it all happened so fast. I don't doubt she loves you, but presumably, she has been thinking about this for a while already, and is not a drastic change of mind... Having a great time with you, and then waking up to reality again might have been the trigger, though. She wants it now, not in the future. These emotions are just too much for her to handle. You have to try and understand that, and if there isn't any real possibility of you moving there soon, then you are going to have to let her move on... The things you have to deal with, at home, require your constant presence there? can they be handled from a distance or by subsequent short trips? Have you two ever discussed marriage? It may not be the end just yet. Perhaps it's time to seriously evaluate your options, as apparently, she is set on not waiting anymore. I'm sorry you are going through this Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverM Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 It's kind of messed up because I had just finished typing up a fairly lengthy response to you when the site was giving the usual log-in hassle I get after typing out my often long-winded takes and I saw your update. None of this is sitting right with me at all... There comes a time when waiting for someone goes from being a legitimate reason to a poor excuse when ending an LDR.While I won't discount or be insensitive to her feelings,she has to understand that things aren't going to magically happen in the snap of a finger.Furthermore,she has to understand that she's not the only one dealing with those feelings that come hand-in-hand with an LDR.You were going through them too but you were more than willing to tough it out.I reiterate once more that she should have thought about this a long time ago before pursuing things further.She should've known that there were difficult times ahead.Either way-whether waiting for you two to close the distance or waiting to find what she wants in her own area-it still involves waiting. (Yes,a lot of bold print.I guess I'm quite emphatic about all of this). At the stage of the relationship where you were,I could see her bailing if it was toxic/unhealthy,if you were exhibiting abusive or negligent behavior (not saying you were),if there was infidelity,or if you appeared disinterested in having that "end point." Therefore,waiting is a poor excuse in comparison to the aforementioned reasons to end things.Maybe some in this forum will disagree with me on this one and counter with the argument that things could have just "taken their toll" on her.I don't know.I just think that this is BS.I guess I just feel that,if a long-distance relationship shows signs of being worth pursuing,it's better to see things through than to walk away having wasted time,effort,emotion,and even money. I won't try to offer you false hope.Maybe...just maybe...she'll end up giving her head a shake.If she felt lonely and sad while with you,maybe she'll feel it more so as she tries to go on without you.Yes,some people go on their way without looking back.Others have a harder time in doing so.The feelings for that someone and the memories shared with them may carry too much sentimental value to enable them to stay away for long. justwhoiam does pose a good question though. Thank you again AS for your words. Im not going to hold on to hope that she will be back. I held on to hope that she would have stayed and look what that brought lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverM Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I don't doubt she loves you, but presumably, she has been thinking about this for a while already, and is not a drastic change of mind... Having a great time with you, and then waking up to reality again might have been the trigger, though. She wants it now, not in the future. These emotions are just too much for her to handle. You have to try and understand that, and if there isn't any real possibility of you moving there soon, then you are going to have to let her move on... The things you have to deal with, at home, require your constant presence there? can they be handled from a distance or by subsequent short trips? Have you two ever discussed marriage? It may not be the end just yet. Perhaps it's time to seriously evaluate your options, as apparently, she is set on not waiting anymore. I'm sorry you are going through this Regardless of what happened she may or may not be hurt by this all, Im thinking she isnt if she didnt love me. Which is fine, at least she will make it out without any heartache or resentment. Im sure she loved me for a time during our relationship. That doesnt make me feel any better considering I still feel like ****. We actually did speak of marriage and once I started pulling up info and forwarding it to her, it only made matters worse now that I think of it. thanks for your thoughts on my situation L Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverM Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 Sleepless nights,uncontrollable bouts of crying at times, sick and nausea thru the day. Boy am I sure glad I took a chance on love again. I'm sure her pain of being alone is much worse than what I'm going thru tho. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Sleepless nights,uncontrollable bouts of crying at times, sick and nausea thru the day. Boy am I sure glad I took a chance on love again. I'm sure her pain of being alone is much worse than what I'm going thru tho. I know what it is like... If anything, it will be a moment of personal growth and to test your limits.. you thought you couldn't reach such a low level, but you did, from there it can only go up, at a certain point. Sometimes, you thought it was a break up and it wasn't. Sometimes it is a real, final breakup. Spoil yourself a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 Sleepless nights,uncontrollable bouts of crying at times, sick and nausea thru the day. Boy am I sure glad I took a chance on love again. I'm sure her pain of being alone is much worse than what I'm going thru tho. Hey man, I understand. You'll be feeling a little better day by day. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 Hey everyone who reads this. Want to thank you for stopping by first off and thank any of you in advance for any advice or words of comfort you provide. I met this incredible woman when I was in the UK. We were internet friends before we met but it grew into something more so we decided to meet for the first time. It was incredible to say the least and we have been in each others company for 2 longer periods of time over the last few months. Both of us have children from previous relationships and of course family and friends and so on. After talking and really wanting to be together in spite of all we have going on we decided to do what needed to be done in order for us to be together. Just last week I sent her a video message from my webcam and the response I got was not what I had anticipated. Long story short she responded that the pain was too much for her to bear of being apart and that we should "call it a day" as she put it in the email. So I immediately called her for a better explanation and she voiced all her concerns, her girls schooling and her two oldests well being. All that I understand and we would have to wait three years for her one daughters schooling to be completed. She said that she loves me and wants it now but doesn't want to wait that long. She couldn't give me an answer if she wanted to continue or not...so I am giving her time to think. My question to her was if you love me so much why wouldn't you wait? Sorry for the long read, there was a lot more that was said just wanted to be clear as I could with my problem. Thanks again for reading L online romance.....that spossible why she istn willign to wait....bit of a risk...i do believe if you care about someone you wait but ldrs are hard yakka....i am not good at goodbyes or missing people i care about i am a huge sook........i think three years is a long time to wait but fi you love soemoen i guess that you would want to wait...however hard it is you would see ti through and do what you have to do....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverM Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 online romance.....that spossible why she istn willign to wait....bit of a risk...i do believe if you care about someone you wait but ldrs are hard yakka....i am not good at goodbyes or missing people i care about i am a huge sook........i think three years is a long time to wait but fi you love soemoen i guess that you would want to wait...however hard it is you would see ti through and do what you have to do....deb We met three times in the last year two weeks a piece, I went out there twice and was going to go back for a week for new years and in march for two weeks. And then get her and her girls out here for the summer. That was all planned. I think there was some influence from family and friends about calling it off. She had said people were filling her head with all sorts of things. All of which I agreed with her but between that AND that she said she couldnt be alone was all she needed to call it off. I agree with you if you love someone as much as you say you do then you would think they would stick it out. L Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverM Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy new year It's only been a week but it feels like forever without her. I find that with each day that passes it does get a little easier but the feelings and love that I have for this woman are still so very strong. I have to say that coming on this site was probably the best thing I did in terms of trying to find answers and help. LDR's are very hard on certain people and even tho love is there and love is strong sometimes the pain of being apart is much stronger and much more overpowering and soon after it over takes a person then comes fear,doubt, and plenty of "what ifs" I was angry at her and angry at the fact that she was doing this to me. I lashed out and said things in my anger which was probably enough to drive her away completely. Even tho it might be to late I understand now and understand the pain she was going thru. I have not heard from her since those things were said so I sent her a text on Saturday and in my desire to make sure she got that text I emailed it to her and also posted it on my MySpace( if she even goes on there anymore) apologizing for everything I had said and in the end I said I wasn't asking for anything not even forgiveness but just to tell her I was sorry because for what it was worth I still loved her and always will. I have not heard back as of today. I did send her another text wishing her and her girls a Merry Christmas today. I don't know if my efforts will have any effect but I won't know unless I try. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and post here. Your help and thoughts were greatly appreciated. L 4 Link to post Share on other sites
tori0001 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I wish you the best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I have not heard from her since those things were said so I sent her a text on Saturday and in my desire to make sure she got that text I emailed it to her and also posted it on my MySpace( if she even goes on there anymore) apologizing for everything I had said and in the end I said I wasn't asking for anything not even forgiveness but just to tell her I was sorry because for what it was worth I still loved her and always will. I have not heard back as of today. I did send her another text wishing her and her girls a Merry Christmas today. You are doing your best. In the future, always try to apologize right away or on the same day at least, so that no one goes to bed mad to each other. Merry Christmas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Seems almost sardonic to wish a person Merry Christmas when you know he's suffering through what you are, but nevertheless, best wishes for joy in this day, with hope and healing in the new year. Sorry to hear that she's cut contact. It's understandable if you were angry and said things you regret, and even if you had not, if that's what she needs to detach. You know, I've rehearsed a thousand words in my head that I'd like to say to mine that might shock her into seeing her own drama more clearly, but there's really no point. When someone has left the relationship it's like screaming in a long empty hallway and hoping someone will open a door to see what all the commotion is about... but no one does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverM Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 Thank you all again for the responses. Still nothing as of today. I have to say that I admire her strength and ability to do what she is doing. If she loved me as much as she said in so many messages,phone convos and in person and could walk away without even looking back, that takes a lot of will and energy. A hard thing to do even for a big strong guy like me. L Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverM Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 I just wanted to bring anyone that was interested up to date on my situation. I heard from my ex yesterday via email and her email started off with her saying sorry for everything and that she would always think of me and my family and how she knows my friends will be there for me and that she prys for my moms recovery (she has cancer) She hoped my boys and i had a nice Christmas together and that she was glad she had been able to share and be a part of my life and that was something she would always cherish. My response to her was that I did not want to lose touch with her because we were friends before we were a couple and when we became more than friends that she became a very important part of my life and always will continue to be because of what we had was so special and that I also would cherish it for as long as I lived. I said I wanted to still remain in her life as a close friend because what we shared felt like a lifetime of love and because we know each other so well. Despite the distance everything was perfect as could be in a relationship. I also said that if it wasnt in her best interest to communicate with one another that I would also understand. I got up for some at reason at 3am and checked my email and she responded. It said she thought I would not even talk to her again and that she would like to stay in touch and that she didnt want to lose my friendship. She thanked me lots and put some "x's" at the end. So, we are now friends as we were before we became a couple. Im happy with this to say the least. Im hoping maybe down the road she will want to see me. Im going out there in April for an event. I wont get my hopes up about her even wanting to see me or if by some chance she does that her feelings will come rushing back and she will want to give it another go. Thats just wishfull thinking so I will just wait and see what happens.... Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 ForeverM, it sounds like you're doing much better and are dealing with the loss pretty well. My feeling though, is that you should let go of actively hoping that she will someday want to reignite the romantic relationship, and cease contact until you are completely through grieving and clear of the feelings of attachment. This is not incompatible with remaining friends, it's just what you almost certainly need to heal completely. I send you my best wishes for continued resolution and healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverM Posted December 31, 2012 Author Share Posted December 31, 2012 Thanks sal, I love her enough to be able to stay in contact with her as a friend because we were just that before we became romantically involved. I've learned from this forum that she wasn't the only one that had a hard time dealing with the distance. Along with other issues that concerned her towards ending our relationship she felt it was in her best interest for her and her girls not to wait which to her would have felt like a lifetime. The last few days we've been exchanging emails on a day to day basis and that may be all we ever do from here out. People have told me what will be will be but I promised I wouldn't give up on her both as a lover and a friend. All we are are friends now and if that's what's meant to be then so be it. Hope everyone has a Happy New Year. Link to post Share on other sites
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