On & Off for 3 Years... Why?!?

[PinkPippaCat]

As a first time user of this site, (which, by the way, is simply fabulous and I wish I knew about it 3 years ago!), I am not sure I have put this message on the right thread so firstly, my apologies if it should be somewhere else!

 

I will attempt to keep this as brief as possible but am well aware that I could write a book about me and M and events over the last 3 years. Please bear with me with this as think the background is really important to the current situation (and why I am so blooming confused!)

 

I met M 3 years ago when I moved jobs and had to work very closely with M’s project. Initially, just thought of him as any other colleague until, after a few months, he asked me for a drink. To be honest – didn’t even really fancy him but went as thought I had nothing to lose! Found out that we had a lot in common and enjoyed doing similar types of things such as travel and extreme sports. Although we did spend a lot of time together, after about a year it became clear that it wasn’t working for various reasons – namely, that the whole thing was on his terms at all times and what I wanted was not considered. He seemed to think that I was ‘hard-work’ as well so we decided to draw a line under things and just continue as work colleagues with the added complication of that we now had mutual friends. Also, since we split, found out that he used to regularly slate me to his friends while saying the opposite to my face although his ‘friends’ never took anything he said seriously (yes, I know I should have walked away at this point but that’s hindsight for you…)

 

After splitting up, we started a strange on/off relationship where we would continue to sleep with each other regularly as well as meeting for drinks, helping each other out, talking (never about us though) etc. This would happen every few weeks and would finish when M decided that it wasn’t what he wanted – sometimes he would tell me, sometimes we just started ignoring each other – but no matter what was said or done, we would end up back in the same place a couple of days, weeks, months later when we would bump into each other or someone would call – we were both responsible for initiating contact with the other.

 

At Xmas last year I was due to go and study abroad. A few weeks prior to this, I saw M who wanted to borrow some CD’s – of course, this lead to a few weeks of us sleeping together until I found out that he was seeing someone else and sleeping with me behind her back. At this point, I called it quits and told him that I thought he was a bastard etc and that I had had enough. I then moved abroad where I was due to be for 5 months – enough time I thought to break our cycle, sort stuff out on our own and make a clean break.

 

After I had been abroad for a few weeks I received a call from M – he had been on my group email list and I had forgotten to delete it so he was aware of what I was doing, contact details etc. He wanted to come over and see me for a bit. Never thought he would actually come so I played along and we agreed dates and what to do etc. When he came he was the perfect gentleman – we had a lovely week (a week! Even my best friends and parents had only come for long weekends!). Went to art galleries, on walks, for coffee, sight-seeing and did a lot of talking about past mistakes, problems with each other (some of it was really hard and upsetting to be honest but think what was said was needed). Didn’t sleep with each other all week although M did admit at the end of the week that he really wanted to but was “trying to be the good guy”. When I asked why he had come over at all, he just said that he wanted to make amends for the past and to show me that he had “changed” – although why he wanted me to see that I still do not know…

 

On my return to the UK, didn’t see him for a few weeks – occasional SMS were exchanged but nothing more – until I had a bad day, got drunk and called him. He was adamant that if we saw each other it was just casual sex which I agreed to. Slept with him, left straight after and didn’t see him or hear from him for a couple of months.

 

In that couple of months, I bumped into his best mate again who I’d not seen for about a year and who had become single in that time. Hit it off with him – saw him a few times, slept with him and then didn’t hear anymore – I can only assume because he told M what had happened and M was not happy. M has mentioned to me that he knows what happened but other than mentioning that he knows, nothing else has been said about it but we are all still talking to each other.

 

Bumped into M in the pub a few weeks ago – me with a friend, him with an ex-girlfriend turned friend which is really where the confusion starts(!). He ditched his friend to talk to us and then followed me and my friend around a couple of bars before he met his friends. Was being lovely again – buying drinks, very chatty etc. I went to meet my brother and we arranged to meet up at his later that night. Didn’t meet up that night for various reasons but M said that we’d do something the night after.

 

Next day I sent him an SMS asking what he was up to that evening. Had no reply until about 12.30am (pub closing time…) when he wanted to know if he could come over. Was only over for about 15 minutes before his brother called to say he was locked out and so M had to go. Next time I saw him was a few days later when I called him up. He came over to mine and we slept together (at this point I should point out that the sex is VERY good). Afterwards we were talking and he said that we couldn’t keep doing this as it was “destructive”.

 

The following weekend I went out, had a **** evening and sent him a couple of text messages just saying that I was bored etc. Had no reply. On Sunday I sent a message apologising for random SMS’s the night before and he called me saying that it was too much “hassle” again and that we should not contact each other – “you don’t text me and I won’t text you”. I pointed out that we keep saying that and keep doing it but he insisted that, as I was buying a house a couple of miles away, that we try it again.

 

Thought about this and decided it was stupid that we were still doing this. Wrote him letter saying that he needed to think about why we kept doing this (even though sex is good, if it is so much “hassle” for him then he could find someone else to sleep with). Explained that I had done some thinking and the only reason I carried it on was that I wanted him in my life. Suggested that we were out of options as ignoring each other, being friends, moving to other side of Europe etc hadn’t worked so maybe we try again with a fresh slate.

 

Did not hear any reply from the letter (which, if I’m honest, wasn’t expecting) but did see him at work occasionally where it would be him initiating conversations and chatting to me. Was in his office a few days ago – I’ve got a lot of problems with this house I’m buying – and he came out, sat down and talked to me about it for about an hour (I admit, I was stressed, I was crying, not the best of company nor looking my most attractive!). Later that night I was walking back from a friends house and passed him on the street – I was on phone, he was talking to his brother – so ignored each other. 5 minutes later I get an SMS from him telling me that he hopes I have an umbrella as it started raining. I was in bad mood so sent him quite angry message back about needing thinking space and walking only place I could get it so the rain didn’t matter. Got an SMS back just saying “OK then”. Sent him a message the following morning (yesterday) just apologising for being in bad mood day before and heard nothing back. Latest development is that I am moving back with parents on Sun until the house I am buying is sorted out so am going for ‘leaving drinks’ on Sat. Sent an SMS to all my friends – included M but did not expect reply only to get message saying “thanks for invite but I have to go to a wedding all day Sat”.

 

So, that is where we are! Really sorry that was so long (didn’t realise it would be that long to be honest) but thank you for reading this far! As you can see, it is all a little bit F’d Up at the moment but my queries are this…. What is going on?!? Why is the letter ignored?!? Why do we keep doing this?!? Why come to see me for a week abroad to show me he’s changed and then do nothing?!? What is going on with this man and what should I do?!? I do want him in my life but I don’t think I am prepared for it to always be like this but don’t see how else it can be… Please help as I am at my wits-end with this! Thanks! J

[overseas2004]

I am really sorry about your frustration. I can only imagine how you feel. Actually I know how you feel. I think a lot of us have been there.

 

I think you know what is going on but somewhere in your heart you really need this guy to love you and want you because you have such a history together. The problem is that he won't.

 

What is going on with him is that he does not want to have a real relationship with you. He is attracted to you and even probably likes you but he can have occasional sex with you without all the hassles as he puts it. Although I don't know what he is referring to or what kind of a hassle you are? I am assuming your just a normal girl, with a bit of a temper and that is what you are referring to as a hassle.

 

The problem with your cycle is that you are wasting royal time. This has been going on for years and its going to prevent you from meeting other people. You unfortunately have to work with him and live with him and that is what keeps the cycle perpetuating.

 

I also don't like the fact that he is using you. That is not nice and you should have more self respect for yourself than to allow him to just do this. Try try try really hard to break this pattern. Why don't you try to not see him for three months. Set yourself that deadline and then just stay away from him. I will be really interested first to see how he reacts to that and then second to see how you feel after this. You may be able to move on, and that is key.

 

Regards,

 

Overseas

[PinkPippaCat]

Thanks for your reply!

 

I think you are right about a lot of things...

 

Firstly, I have told him that I am not happy with the way he (used to treat me) and, in fairness, it has been a lot more balanced since then.

 

Secondly, moving away was supposed to give me the space I needed and, for a while it worked, but then, as always happens, he comes back into my life! I have tried the not-contacting thing repeatedly over the last 3 years but everytime I feel like I am getting somewhere, he comes back into my life - either a phone call, SMS, bump into him etc. This is really only adding to my confusion as obviously contacting me shows that he is thinking of me so why is he incapable of walking away?!? When I wrote the letter recently, I put in it that I would not contact him and I would treat him like any other colleague (luckily we don't work in same office anymore...) so when I do see him, I ignore him but then he comes and says 'hi'!

 

Thirdly, just to clear up, by "hassle" basically he means that I put pressure on him to make a decision about what he wants. As well, as, in my experience most women do, when I get drunk, I will contact him - he does the same but obviously, that is OK(!) When I challenge him about it, he admits that it is double-standards and then we get this "neither of us contact each other" stuff again.

 

If it is just sex then surely, if it is so much "hassle", then why doesn't he simply find someone else to sleep with? Why did he come to see me abroad when it was the ideal opportunity for us to make a clean break? Why does he keep contacting me? I just don't understand it...

[KaiaMahina]

PinkPippaCat, you say you just don't understand? Put it down to karmic reckoning and stamp PAID all over it. It's the easiest way to get rid of what is just that ball-and-chain you've had strapped around your ankle for 3 years.

 

The sex is VERY good? Yeah. I know about that. But it ain't enough, is it? And contrary to anything you might believe now, there's more where that came from. But you'll never know if you continue this evil game which is rigged so that only he "wins."

 

If he keeps contacting you, change your numbers. Keep them private. Don't give them out to anyone who might pass them on to him. If a message gets through despite all your precautions, trash it unread. Don't speak to his brother, either. Block all avenues. If you have to deal with him professionally, deal with him professionally ONLY.

 

You shouldn't be too concerned about "why" he's doing this or trying to understand. He's an a**hole who's using you to plug up the spaces in his empty life. He may be doing this to multiple other women. He's degrading and devaluing you, and the more you allow him to, the less respect he has for you and will continue on the same path.

 

Don't contact him, sober or drunk. There's nothing that sends victim vibes more succinctly than calling a man while you're drunk. If you're going to get drunk, unplug your phone and put it somewhere it would be too difficult to retrieve while intoxicated. Do whatever you have to, but get out of this hell.

 

I despise seeing women being treated like this, and even more I despise seeing a woman ALLOW a man to treat her this way! Stand up for yourself!

[beautiful]

This is really not complicated at all, you are a friend with benefits! You allowing it to go on, why complain about it?!

 

It is up to you to put a stop to this. Work on your issues and maybe than you can have a healthy relationship.

 

This may not be what you want to hear however it is the truth. What guy would resist a "friendship" like that? c'mon be real here. He treates you this way because you letting him. Think about that!