Can't stop thinking about having kids

[FreeMe]

I guess it's the old biological clock - it's about to strike midnight here and I still don't know what to do! I'll be 39 in a couple of weeks and I need to decide if I want to have a child or not! I think about it constantly!

 

My current boyfriend is 10 years older, already has two kids (grown) and definitely does not want anymore. When we were first together he told me this - then he said Maybe and then he told me about 8 months ago that he definitely does not. So, if I want a child, I have to end it with him and find someone else. I know timing is looking very bad here.

 

I never really thought I would have kids, but I do sometimes think I want to and know I would be a good mother. I'm also afraid that if I don't have any I'll regret it when it's too late. I don't know what to do. I know I have to make this decision on my own but...

 

Any words of wisdom?

[Touch_of_Naughtiness]

Why don't you go to a sperm bank?

[CurlyIam]

I understand your desire to have children of your own... If you decide you really want kids then leave asap ! No one has any second to waiste near a mam who cannot offer us what we want, 19, 29 or 39!

 

Just... try not to make it alone. Fathers aren't always helpful, but they do offer at times a lot of psychological support to mothers !!!

[Fayebelle]

Don't forget how many kids out there need a positive female influence.

 

Have you tried Big Brothers and Big Sisters or a mentoring agency in your area? Perhaps knowing you are a positive influence for a child will help relieve some of these pangs.

 

What about fostering or adopting a child? There is no "biological" timelimit on being a parent if you are willing to take care of children who have already been born but still need a Mommy.

 

You seem like a genuinely loving person w/a real interest in family- any of these kids would love to have you in their lives.

 

Best wishes on whatever you decide.

[Moose]

I think it's selfish of your boyfriend to say that to you. He should be more receptive to your needs and desires. I say go for it!!!!

 

One question, do you think that if you allow yourself to get pregnant with your boyfriend that he really would dump you??

[CurlyIam]

Best case scenario: talk to your current bf and explain him how important this is to you, wait until he gets used to the idea and until he wants it and then have it !

 

Second best scenario: leave your current bf and meet a man you want your baby to have geens of !!! I mean why settle for anything less? A fulfilled family life is sine qua non, IMHO. Take this chance of accepting a willing daddy into your life !

[FreeMe]

Hi All,

 

Thanks very much for your replies!

 

Fayabelle - Those are good ideas and I have thought of the possibility of adopting. But I also think if I'm going to raise any kids, I would definitely want one of my own. My oldest brother has two, but it's starting to look like my younger brother and his wife may not have any. They still have time but they are really against it so far.

 

CurlyIam and Moose - I'm not sure if I'd want my current boyfriend to be the father of my kids now that I've seen how he is with his own kids. He doesn't have a good relationship with them and is kind of cold. It seems that they have disappointed him and he can't be bothered with them. I don't like it at all.

 

As far as whether he would dump me - I don't know. I wouldn't just plan it without him knowing anyway. I just couldn't do that. When he said he didn't want kids and asked me if I could live with that, I thought about it and said I could. But I was never 100% sure. If I said now that I did want to have at least one then I think we'd probably break up. He might change his mind and say ok, but that wouldn't be because he really wanted one - it would be so he wouldn't lose me.

 

CurlyIam - I actually know a guy who was totally in love with me and is a great guy who wants kids. I didn't have feelings for him before, but now I think maybe that could change. I'm just torn. I don't know what to do and also don't want to hurt my boyfriend.

[Moose]

Sounds to me that you have some major decisions to make. Take your time and find what it is that YOU want in life. Remember that you're not being selfish to want to have children.

 

I feel for you having to make these kind of decisions. If you love your current boyfriend, it's going to be really difficult to give him up in order for you to become the mother you wish to be.

 

Best of luck to you.

Sincerely

[pinkroses]

I have one child who is 10 now, I'm 39. Suddenly, out of the blue several months ago my biological clock started chiming too. I never wanted anymore after my son, but suddenly I realized my time was quickly running out, and if I didn't have another child now, it would be too late really quick. I still didn't realistically want to have one, but my body seemed to be yearning for one. I think that's a very normal feeling at this age.

 

My advice would be to decide what is more important to you, staying in your current relationship or becoming a mother. You need to look down the road and think of what regrets you might or might not have have depending on your choice. If you really feel that becoming a mom is the priority, then you need to consider disengaging from your current relationship. Be sure your boyfriend definitely doesn't want to become a father again. If not, then you may have to make a sacrifice and either leave him or choose to have a baby with someone else. It's very important that you have the baby you want with the right kind of person. If you get pregnant and your current boyfriend is unhappy with it, the relationship could end anyway, but you could get stuck with him wanting to visit the child. So it's very important to think things through.

 

I hope you make the right decision. I certainly don't regret my son, he's the best thing I ever did..if that helps.

[Karlise13]

Moose...

 

why is her boyfriend being selfish?

 

Raising children is a lifelong committment. It's SELFISH to bring children into a world when you don't have the desire or instinct to committ to raising them.

 

He's already been a parent. He knows the score. He doesn't want any more kids and he's been honest with her about it. How does that make him selfish?

 

You don't just go along blithely with someone else's desire to have kids if you don't want them. That's ridiculous.

 

Sorry Moose, I like your posts an awful lot most of the time. But you're seriously off base here.

 

 

 

FreeMe, here's a perspective from a purposely childfree woman....and I am about your age so if the biological clock was gonna tick it shoulda happened already for me.

 

There are many people who DO NOT want children.

Or, who having already raised children, DO NOT WANT MORE.

It's a valid choice.

 

It does not make them selfish or bad people. Rather, they are usually comitted to other things. Perhaps your husband has his hands full with job responsibilities or the needs of his other children.

Or maybe it's HIS time to do what he wants to do. Either way, never foist a child upon an unwilling adult.

And it already sounds like you wouldn't do that anyway.

 

Unfortunately, the Having a Baby topic can be a real dealbreaker for relationships.

 

You will have to think long and hard about it and I'm sure it's heartbreaking either way.

 

That said, ALL adults have to live with 'what if's in our lives.

 

We have ALL given up some things to have other things.

 

There IS NO SUCH THING as 'having it all'

 

We all have careers we never pursued, people we never hooked up with, relationships we never pursued, talents we never developed. Life is simply too short to do it all.

 

We all make choices and then have to live with those choices.

 

Think long and hard before making your choice. Then once you've made it, don't look back.

 

IF there is an emptiness left by whatever it is you needed to give up, fill it as best you can by being a contributing member of society. IF you feel lonely, join volunteer groups, foster a child, help build a house, work in a community garden, get involved with things.

 

There are many people, not just children, who would welcome your presence. You can make a difference in so many ways.

[FreeMe]

Moose - Thanks for you support. I do have some tough decisions right now and on top of it I might be getting laid off from my job .

 

pinkroses - I appreciate your response. I know the kind of joy a child can bring in your life. My brother never wanted kids but when he had his daughter, he was smitten! It was really something to see! Are you married - or in a position to have another child? Just curious.

 

Karlise13 - I agree with you that my boyfriend should not have any more kids if he doesn't want them. I would never force or persuade anyone into that. I've also been childless for this long by choice. Whenever I get a dose of reality about what the world is like (murder, drugs, etc) I don't want children. On the other hand, we can't all live in fear of what might happen. And there are so many people who are terrible parents (abusive, neglectful) who should never have children, popping them out right and left. I wish more people thought about it as seriously as I do. This is a very tough decision for me and other than your and other folks' insights, it's something that I just have to decide - and soon! I thought I had this resolved years ago - that I wouldn't have any children, but I guess as I've gotten older I've changed my thinking a bit. I like all your ideas about volunteering and doing other things that make a difference as well. I have thought about volunteering for a literacy program and other things and I know I will do something like that someday, whether I have any children or not.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses! It really helps to get these perspectives.

[Moose]

Karlisle,

 

I said he was selfish because of what FreeMe wrote:

 

My current boyfriend is 10 years older, already has two kids (grown) and definitely does not want anymore. When we were first together he told me this - then he said Maybe and then he told me about 8 months ago that he definitely does not.

 

First it was a no, then a maybe, now it's a definite no....seems to me he's a lot like my 14 year old playing a game with his younger siblings changing the rules as he goes along to fit his own desires....to me, that's selfish.