Methods of discovery

[Realist3]

My husband is stupid and I'm smart - that's my method.

 

 

And you blame him?

[Realist3]

I find this very hard to believe as PIs work and remain confidential to the person who has hired them if they wish to build their business and retain customers.

 

That is some lousy PI, if her story is true. maybe she gets off on all this cloak and dagger stuff.

 

realist, I'd be careful here. You do NOT want to have an affair with a woman rebelling against her mean daddy, oops, husband. Three years? And no move to divorce? how bad could he be?

 

The problem was the PI was a mutual friend, and he fessed up. Like I said unethical on his part.

[Spark1111]

Whether you can come to grips with it or not that is our story, the hoops we jump through. All of it real.

 

The point again was that the methods you might think will work are easily defeated.

 

My H work up from a nap on an extended family vacay and took my phone by mistake to the airport where he was picking up our grown kids.

 

that left me his phone, which buzzed. I found such enraptured words of undying love, that I started scrolling through the texts.

 

Within 72 hours I knew absolutely everything about the affair, her, her address, her xH, her properties, her phones, what they spent, where they went, her child, his school, blah, blah, blah.

 

I think my H had grown tired of her and did not know how to end it! I think he wanted to get caught subconsciously. he wanted me to either end it for him, or make it easy and divorce him so our kids wouldn't see him as the bad guy.

 

I did neither. he had to put on his big boy pants and make a choice. Surprisingly, he did not choose her.

 

I wouldn't choose him either, not for many months. I no longer cared how, when they saw each other and means they used to do so.

 

see? When it was no longer secret, it just wasn't as much damn fun for him. It lasted maybe three weeks of all night and all day togetherness in real life time.

[Realist3]

My H work up from a nap on an extended family vacay and took my phone by mistake to the airport where he was picking up our grown kids.

 

that left me his phone, which buzzed. I found such enraptured words of undying love, that I started scrolling through the texts.

 

Within 72 hours I knew absolutely everything about the affair, her, her address, her xH, her properties, her phones, what they spent, where they went, her child, his school, blah, blah, blah.

 

I think my H had grown tired of her and did not know how to end it! I think he wanted to get caught subconsciously. he wanted me to either end it for him, or make it easy and divorce him so our kids wouldn't see him as the bad guy.

 

I did neither. he had to put on his big boy pants and make a choice. Surprisingly, he did not choose her.

 

I wouldn't choose him either, not for many months. I no longer cared how, when they saw each other and means they used to do so.

 

see? When it was no longer secret, it just wasn't as much damn fun for him. It lasted maybe three weeks of all night and all day togetherness in real life time.

 

I would bet dollars to donuts that is how it happens in most instances... stupid mistakes.

[Realist3]

He fessed up? AND he's unethical?

She probably slept with him.

 

You just can't help yourself can you?

[Spark1111]

The problem was the PI was a mutual friend, and he fessed up. Like I said unethical on his part.

 

And look at all that planning and talking to escape detection; how much time and texts and hidden phones to arrange the next meet up; that big, bad wolf of an H and your uncaring, complacent wife.

 

Jeez, remove all the drama and subterfuge, what would APs truly have in common? What would be exciting about a simple call and a cup of coffee in the daylight? or sex any old time you wanted it?

 

Why, it could grow as normal and mundane as any old regular relationship between two people.

 

Realist, you seem like a pretty smart guy. Start reading up on triangulated relationships; the drama, the hormones; the angst of unrequited love.

 

it's really pretty predictable.

[Decorative]

I didn't read back Dec, did you answer the question? I know Alice was in peanut gallery mode.

 

I was the first answer.

[seren]

I found out because my H told me. What I don't understand is, if the A is so wonderful and the AP the person the WS wants to be with, why go through all the cloak and dagger routine to be together when it is as simple as just owning up and leaving the marriage. I am not being snarky, it is something I see time and time again, the effort to keep the A secret would be bloody exhausting after a while. I cannot imagine keeping love a secret, never mind going to extreme lengths to ensure it is hidden, shouldn't it be shouted from the rooftops and I have left two marriages and while it wasn't easy, it sounds a damned sight easier and more honest than all the sneaking around.

 

When my office overlooked a car park, we would watch all the cars pull up at lunch time and the various occupants get out and into other cars, that most were having A's was very obvious. If the BS doesn't know it is generally because they are being gaslighted to hell and back and still trust the WS, which suggests they are doing all they can to present a normal facade. Deceiving someone who loves and trusts me is not something I would be proud of, nor value in another.

[Realist3]

And look at all that planning and talking to escape detection; how much time and texts and hidden phones to arrange the next meet up; that big, bad wolf of an H and your uncaring, complacent wife.

 

Jeez, remove all the drama and subterfuge, what would APs truly have in common? What would be exciting about a simple call and a cup of coffee in the daylight? or sex any old time you wanted it?

 

Why, it could grow as normal and mundane as any old regular relationship between two people.

 

Realist, you seem like a pretty smart guy. Start reading up on triangulated relationships; the drama, the hormones; the angst of unrequited love.

 

it's really pretty predictable.

 

I agree. You don't know how much I would love to just walk into any place I want and have a coffee, lunch, whatever. But that is not my current reality at the moment. Even though my wife is okay with it, it is about others as well.

 

Yes we have adapted our routines to make sure there is nothing to be seen, and I wish that wasn't the case, but right now it is the case. Perhaps the in beginning it added a level of excitement, now it is just what is.

 

I have never really thought about a time when an openess could be part of the picture. It just doesn't seem possible, so I don't think about it.

[18Years2Late]

How did you find out about your WS?

 

A lot of people suggest key loggers, PI's, GPS on the vehicle, voice activated recorders, phone trackers. All of these are easily defeated.

 

ALL of these are illegal in the state of Texas as well as many other states and any evidence gathered utilizing them is inadmissible in a court of law..except maybe the PI...this includes jail breaking a cell phone u don't own and installing spy ware...which is wire tapping fraud and is a felony in all 50 states...my BH used the latter and I'm sure if u asked him right now he'd tell u he wished he hadn't...bc he could have used the adultery against me in the divorce in Texas but now he can't...bc I'll press charges...not to mention I have real legal evidence of his infidelity on the cell phone bill I pay for his phone that I own...so now he only gets the 50% he's legally entitled to instead of the 80% he was banking on...

 

Moral to that story...don't do anything illegal to catch ur WS...won't work out as u planned if u don't decide to R...

 

Edit: BH did that AFTER I already told him???...

Edited December 17, 2012 by 18Years2Late

[Spark1111]

I agree. You don't know how much I would love to just walk into any place I want and have a coffee, lunch, whatever. But that is not my current reality at the moment. Even though my wife is okay with it, it is about others as well.

 

Yes we have adapted our routines to make sure there is nothing to be seen, and I wish that wasn't the case, but right now it is the case. Perhaps the in beginning it added a level of excitement, now it is just what is.

 

I have never really thought about a time when an openess could be part of the picture. It just doesn't seem possible, so I don't think about it.

 

And I need to add this: My H and his fAP were co-workers. they thought no one knew. They were wrong. Every woman in that building suspected something!

 

I too work in a mostly female profession today. We have have spidery sense when it comes to romantic relationships developing, or older men flirting a wee bit much with younger women.

 

KWIM? Never assume people do not suspect just because they do not say anything to the both of you. After DDay, I was floored at how many suspected, but not half as stunned as he was.

[Spark1111]

I agree. You don't know how much I would love to just walk into any place I want and have a coffee, lunch, whatever. But that is not my current reality at the moment. Even though my wife is okay with it, it is about others as well.

 

Yes we have adapted our routines to make sure there is nothing to be seen, and I wish that wasn't the case, but right now it is the case. Perhaps the in beginning it added a level of excitement, now it is just what is.

 

I have never really thought about a time when an openess could be part of the picture. It just doesn't seem possible, so I don't think about it.

 

Well, maybe you should be. How long you want to live like this? indefinitely? Doesn't it anger you to have half of something? Or too share?

 

I was the baby and only girl of the family. Needless to say, I don't share willingly. My man especially! that's why I let him go after DDay.

[SidLyon]

I didn't have a "method" as my H got careless, a mistake if you will.

 

He and his OW did all that secret squirrel stuff; eg car swapping during work hours, hidden bank account, e-mail and post office box.

 

Eventually though my H was sent into a tailspin by her BH's death. He died saving the OW's life and I guess there were changed expectations about the affair. Then our brother-in-law died and my H went right off the rails I suppose.

 

He got very careless as his life seem to be disintegrating around him with everybody in a state of grief. Less than a week after my brother-in-law's funeral I walked into a room and caught him communicating with the OW. He closed down the computer screen but I'd seen enough and the next day I guessed his passwords and discovered the secret hotmail account. The history of the years long affair was all there for me to see.

 

As you can imagine our family was in complete disarray. This was me, our teenage twins and the rest of my H's family who were all still reeling from my brother-in-law's death.

[Realist3]

It's not uncommon for someone having an affair on their spouse, to be cheating with more than one partner.

 

Nothing you have said about you/your OW/your affair indicates that your OW would have any compunction about having multiple OM's.

 

Sorry but that's just the way it looks from here.

 

I'm sure it might be common. And you are correct I have said very little about my MOW, so the assumptions certainly run wild no matter how off the mark they might be. What is the point in making those assumptions? You know what they are as well as I do; people talking out of their butts out of bitterness.

[Realist3]

Now this here is a very good point.

 

Driving 40 minutes each way just to have lunch to avoid being seen?

 

Seems like way too much effort.

 

I guess I'm just too lazy to have an affair.

 

At the risk of being crude, p*ssy is p*ssy, I'm not going 40 minutes out of my way just for some strange.

 

 

But you know what? Those 30-40 minute drives to our destination are some of the best moments we spend together. Yes, we have a hotel just 2 minutes away which we frequent. We have our parks we go to that are within a few minutes, but it is those longer trips where we really talk.

[Realist3]

I was the first answer.

 

Sorry. Yes, I read that. What was your result?

[Decorative]

I'm sure it might be common. And you are correct I have said very little about my MOW, so the assumptions certainly run wild no matter how off the mark they might be. What is the point in making those assumptions? You know what they are as well as I do; people talking out of their butts out of bitterness.

 

You accuse peeps of bitterness, but what about your sitch is supposed to make us bitter, exactly?

 

I had an awesome lunch out with my husband today. We talked all the way there, all the way back- and when we ran into people we knew- we got to say hello and be friendly and not hidden.

 

It was cool. And we had a wonderful time. And we didn't need an artificial rush or high from the subterfuge of other human beings.

 

Sure doesn't feel bitter to me!

[Decorative]

Sorry. Yes, I read that. What was your result?

 

If you read it- you'll know my result. I said it clearly. Several times. LOL

[Realist3]

If you read it- you'll know my result. I said it clearly. Several times. LOL

 

 

That is not what I meant. Yes, you busted him. Did you reconcile?

[Furious]

I'm sure it might be common. And you are correct I have said very little about my MOW, so the assumptions certainly run wild no matter how off the mark they might be. What is the point in making those assumptions? You know what they are as well as I do; people talking out of their butts out of bitterness.

 

You're being played by your OW, the whole James Bond espionage of escaping the OW's evil husband is beyond ridiculous.

 

You'll never get caught...because you're not being followed by PI's, and don't worry about the gps, and stop using your gadgets and secret codes.

 

Your affair is just a typical affair, not a grand and elaborate science fiction thriller. You're no James Bond and your OW isn't Ursula Andress.

 

Your just a a dad who volunteers at your children's school and she's just a soccer mom.

[Realist3]

You accuse peeps of bitterness, but what about your sitch is supposed to make us bitter, exactly?

 

I had an awesome lunch out with my husband today. We talked all the way there, all the way back- and when we ran into people we knew- we got to say hello and be friendly and not hidden.

 

It was cool. And we had a wonderful time. And we didn't need an artificial rush or high from the subterfuge of other human beings.

 

Sure doesn't feel bitter to me!

 

I accuse people of bitterness who take every opportunity to try and make wild assumptions about something they know nothing about. Those comments are unnecessary and unfounded. "She's doing this and she's doing that." They have no friggin' clue, yet they find the need to make some stupid comment that has nothing to do with reality or the topic at hand. THAT is bitterness.

Edited December 18, 2012 by Realist3

[Decorative]

That is not what I meant. Yes, you busted him. Did you reconcile?

 

Yes. That's why we had a non espionage lunch together today. We are quite happily reconciled.

 

I busted him, packed his stuff, and told him to go be with her. He didn't want that at all. Even a little. He could not drop her fast enough.

[SidLyon]

I accuse people of bitterness who take every opportunity to try and make wild assumptions about something they know nothing about. Those comments are unnecessary and unfounded. "She's doing this and she's doing that." They have no friggin' clue, yet they find the need to make some stupid comment that has nothing to do with reality or the topic at hand. THAT is bitterness.

 

I think you are wrong, it is not bitterness, it is simply people who go off topic, or make assumptions, sometimes wild and sometimes the assumptions might be correct, but we don't always get to find out.

 

There are plenty of people who do respond to your posts/questions, and if they do so reasonably I notice you don't often engage further with them. You give the impression you just want to argue with other posters rather than have a discussion.

[Decorative]

I accuse people of bitterness who take every opportunity to try and make wild assumptions about something they know nothing about. Those comments are unnecessary and unfounded. "She's doing this and she's doing that." They have no friggin' clue, yet they find the need to make some stupid comment that has nothing to do with reality or the topic at hand. THAT is bitterness.

 

Ah.

 

Yeah. See- from this side of the fence, after watching and reading hundreds of situations about affairs- it's far less likely to be "bitterness" as you describe it. It's actually quite likely to be a fair guess at the situation. Affairs are not all that unique or special.

 

Bitterness to me implies a jealousy or a longing to have something different than you have. I don't think anyone on here that you accuse of bitterness wants anything you have or to be in your situation.

 

But that's just my two cents.

[ComingInHot]

Realist;

You're right. We are all making assumptions about the "details" you leave out and by the way your posts come across as a bit arrogant, boastful and mildly narcassistic.

Sometimes it's frustrating as I hear you asking for full, honest input from LSers yet you come across as still halfway disclosing yourself. It can be irritatingly frustrating. The more YOU give the better the answers we can give*

I know that none of us feel comfortable giving ALL of ourselves at the risk of being berated or called names like I don't know, "a middle schooler mentalityabout swapping bodily fluids..." ( yep, still recovering from that one you know who you are*)

But sincerely, I rwad the posts and feel a bit "baited" myself. However, with your number "gotten" as far as I can read from your posts, THE SCORNED OW OUTED MY DOOF HUSBAND, and gratefully so.