Methods of discovery

[BetrayedH]

ALL of these are illegal in the state of Texas as well as many other states and any evidence gathered utilizing them is inadmissible in a court of law..except maybe the PI...this includes jail breaking a cell phone u don't own and installing spy ware...which is wire tapping fraud and is a felony in all 50 states...my BH used the latter and I'm sure if u asked him right now he'd tell u he wished he hadn't...bc he could have used the adultery against me in the divorce in Texas but now he can't...bc I'll press charges...not to mention I have real legal evidence of his infidelity on the cell phone bill I pay for his phone that I own...so now he only gets the 50% he's legally entitled to instead of the 80% he was banking on...

 

Moral to that story...don't do anything illegal to catch ur WS...won't work out as u planned if u don't decide to R...

 

Edit: BH did that AFTER I already told him???...

 

Good thing the moral of the story in Texas doesn't apply in Florida. I never saw a judge throughout my divorce and with most people reaching a settlement in a no fault state, sorry to say that the moral to your story doesn't apply the vast majority of the time either. I used every method in the book, including all of her corporate access (oooh, boy could I have gotten in trouble for that one, right?). Nothing happened except me getting my information. I had no regrets then and suffered no ill consequences. Foolishly, my wife kept trying to hide stuff. Didn't work once she no longer had my blind trust. I even found a blog post she had anonymously written almost two years prior by accessing an email account she probably didn't think I knew about, let alone had the password to. By the way, I could have cited numerous pieces of evidence of her adultery with none of them being illegal. Also easy to deny the ones that might have been risky. I don't typically operate this way (and was, in fact, gracious during my divorce) but when your spouse makes it clear that the gloves are off, we can operate that way, too. We're not stupid; we just trusted you (initially) like we were supposed to.

[frozensprouts]

no matter how smart someone thinks there are, everyone can make a mistake....

 

my husband's ex other woman did...

after their affair was over, she sent him an "anonymous" email ( he was in Afghanistan) trying to tell him I was heating on him...

 

since he had blocked her from his email, she had to send it over the DWAN, which time stamped the email, included the senders info and IP address...

 

they both work with military networks at part of their job, yet she still messed up like that!

[BetrayedH]

And I need to add this: My H and his fAP were co-workers. they thought no one knew. They were wrong. Every woman in that building suspected something!

 

I too work in a mostly female profession today. We have have spidery sense when it comes to romantic relationships developing, or older men flirting a wee bit much with younger women.

 

KWIM? Never assume people do not suspect just because they do not say anything to the both of you. After DDay, I was floored at how many suspected, but not half as stunned as he was.

 

Yep. My ex wife keeps discovering people that knew about her affair and liked to blame me for them knowing (thinking they found out from people that I leaned on after Dday). Comically, she was wrong everytime; there was always another source - someone that had done the math on their own. Of course, my wife always still found it implausible that people knew what was up. The reality is that I was probably one of the last to know because they left work for "meetings" and lunches during the day. In the end, all their subterfuge gained them nothing except the short term ability to pull one over on their spouses. Congrats. Enjoy living with that. I hope WSs keep thinking that they have everyone fooled.

[Decorative]

The mistake that tipped me off to the FR?

 

We were on a date. Concert, dinner out , dressed up- awesome night. We drove in his new car. He was unfamiliar with the feel of the buttons on the key fob.

 

As we approached the new car in a dark parking structure - he meant to unlock to car doors. He accidentally popped the trunk. Which had a light. And I saw a gift bag in there- masculine in design. It was a few weeks after Valentine's Day.

 

He closed the trunk immediately and nonchalantly. I didn't say a word about what I saw.

 

But I went home and started plotting how I was going to find out- because in that split second of that trunk opening- the 9 months of gaslighting that had occurred during the false recovery made perfect sense. It was like I finally had a pair of glasses with the right prescription.

 

Four days later I dropped his stuff off at his mother's house and then called him to tell him the gig was up.

[96nole]

But you know what? Those 30-40 minute drives to our destination are some of the best moments we spend together. Yes, we have a hotel just 2 minutes away which we frequent. We have our parks we go to that are within a few minutes, but it is those longer trips where we really talk.

 

The hotel is 2 minutes away from where?

the school?

your houses?

the restaurant 30-40 minutes away?

 

If the hotel you frequent is only 2 minutes from your houses or the school, you can't honestly believe nobody has seen you two going in and out of there without wondering.

[Owl]

I'd like to repost my question so that it doesn't get lost in the subsequent posts, because I'd really like to get Realist's take on it.

 

I asked:

 

Perhaps...if you're willing to help them out, as you claim by posting here...you'd serve them better by telling them how to have more success at their attempts to discern the truth?

 

Tell them how you might get caught in your own situation, for example.

 

Giving them information on how to more successfully get the truth would be much more helpful and supportive for them rather than trying to tell them that they might fail, wouldn't you think?

 

Rather than trying to show them that what they're doing might not work...why not focus on helping them find ways to be successful, so that they CAN address the affair in their own situations?

[merrmeade]

I'd like to repost my question so that it doesn't get lost in the subsequent posts, because I'd really like to get Realist's take on it.

 

I asked: Quote:

Perhaps...if you're willing to help them out, as you claim by posting here...you'd serve them better by telling them how to have more success at their attempts to discern the truth?

 

Tell them how you might get caught in your own situation, for example.

 

Giving them information on how to more successfully get the truth would be much more helpful and supportive for them rather than trying to tell them that they might fail, wouldn't you think?

 

Rather than trying to show them that what they're doing might not work...why not focus on helping them find ways to be successful, so that they CAN address the affair in their own situations?

 

I hope he does answer that. I'm so glad Owl called him on his claims. This is the biggest bunch of bulls--- I've ever seen! And what's up with the pompous, formal language to talk about a common, tawdry affair? And where does he get off expecting equal respect here (which he gets because of their decency, not his)? This is a callous opportunist and weird pervert who gets off to showing off this way. You can practically hear him crowing.

 

My only question is: What's the story with the accepting W? How long has she known about it? Why is she okay with it? How does he feel about her? Does she know everything? How old are the children?

[Realist3]

Realist, you must have incredible skills to DEFEAT, all of the above, and outmaneuver your OW's controlling husband, PI's, and fool every man woman and child at your children's school.

 

How scary too, that your OW had a Stalker go after her because she's so hot, and then she has to deal with her controlling husband who follows her tho grocery store.

 

It's astounding that her controlling husband has built a wealthy empire and has time to cheat on his wife and yet finds the time to spy on his wife at the A&P. You are truly her knight in shining armor, and have gone above and beyond to save her affair from being discovered.

 

Thank you for starting this thread, and letting all the betrayed spouses know that even though our WS's got caught, you are technologically brilliant and can defeat ever being caught.

 

Hardy har har.

 

Defeating them is easy if you know they are being employed.

 

Don't need to fool anyone at school. I'm friends with everyone there, and my MOW comes across as no different than anyone else.

 

He inherited his fortune and it is mainly in real estate so he has time to kill. His OW lives in California so he travels there quite a bit.

 

She might get caught someday, who knows? But it sure won't be because of a stupid mistake. He will have to be on his A game.

[Realist3]

The hotel is 2 minutes away from where?

the school?

your houses?

the restaurant 30-40 minutes away?

 

If the hotel you frequent is only 2 minutes from your houses or the school, you can't honestly believe nobody has seen you two going in and out of there without wondering.

 

The hotel is 2 minutes away from our houses and about 30 seconds away from the school. What do I care if hotel employees wonder? We aren't ever seen together.

 

Yes, the restaurants we go to are out of town.

[Decorative]

Hardy har har.

 

Defeating them is easy if you know they are being employed.

 

Don't need to fool anyone at school. I'm friends with everyone there, and my MOW comes across as no different than anyone else.

 

He inherited his fortune and it is mainly in real estate so he has time to kill. His OW lives in California so he travels there quite a bit.

 

She might get caught someday, who knows? But it sure won't be because of a stupid mistake. He will have to be on his A game.

 

Oh- nobody at school is fooled. Trust me.

[BetrayedH]

I found Ashley Madison in our account history one day. I created an account and waited for him to contact me. It took him three weeks. His first contact with me was "Hi! How are you? It looks like we have a lot in common. You can email me at chvgg@))) if you wish". I emailed him for several months and took screen shots of our conversations and his dirty pictures. Found out that he had cheated on me for at least 6 years with many different women. He talked about me like I was garbage. I never knew what a nasty disgusting individual I was married to. He was always acting like the perfect husband, father, neighbor and employee. When I had paid off my debts, I packed up his stuff and sat a copy of all the documentation on top of it. I told him I was going to send that out to everyone he knew. The divorce proceeded along quite nicely after that. Got every unreasonable thing I could come up with and then some.

 

Wow.

 

I don't say this very often but, You go girl!

[Realist3]

I'd like to repost my question so that it doesn't get lost in the subsequent posts, because I'd really like to get Realist's take on it.

 

I asked:

 

 

 

Rather than trying to show them that what they're doing might not work...why not focus on helping them find ways to be successful, so that they CAN address the affair in their own situations?

 

I think most methods are probably pretty effective in most instances especially if the WS is not concerned about them to begin with. If they are up on them then the BS is going to face pretty tough sledding in terms of discovery.

 

Well, I looked at in in the reverse. So, I made sure there is absolutey no trail. In terms of what causes the most headache it would be the phone tracker and the vehicle gps. Although it is looking like the phone tracker may soon become illegal. Even if that bill becomes law the vehicle gps is pretty darn effective. It allows you to be your own PI. Secondly, I think texting or calling when you might suspect the cheating is taking place can be very effective. STrike up a conversation that can't be ended with simple answers.

[Realist3]

Oh- nobody at school is fooled. Trust me.

 

People at school are worried about schooling not volunteers for the PTA. I can walk in, go to the PTA room and nobody even knows I'm there. I could be there 5 minutes or 3 hours, it makes no difference. Secondly, I am friends with so many women at the school that our relationship appears just like any other.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Realist3

[Decorative]

People at school are worried about schooling not volunteers for the PTA. I can walk in, go to the PTA room and nobody even knows I'm there. I could be there 5 minutes or 3 hours, it makes no difference. Secondly, I am friends with so many women at the school that our relationship appears just like any other.

 

No, it doesn't- but you keep on thinking that.

 

I am a longterm school volunteer- with four kids throughout the system - I am well established. We don't just talk about schooling. Or fundraisers. We see a lot and notice a lot. People are very observant. And you seem to not understand what people see pretty clearly.

 

They may not chat with *you* about what they know- but you aren't getting away with a thing, except in your own head.

[Realist3]

No, it doesn't- but you keep on thinking that.

 

I am a longterm school volunteer- with four kids throughout the system - I am well established. We don't just talk about schooling. Or fundraisers. We see a lot and notice a lot. People are very observant. And you seem to not understand what people see pretty clearly.

 

They may not chat with *you* about what they know- but you aren't getting away with a thing, except in your own head.

 

There is nothing for them to know. The only thing anyone knows there is that we are freinds.

[ComingInHot]

Realist;

So is it "easily defeated" or "pretty effective"? Or only works to be effective unless they're dealing w/you. Cause, you're awesome and near zero gets by you.

That last bit was both true AND giving you a little poke.

If only you used your power for good...

[Realist3]

Realist;

So is it "easily defeated" or "pretty effective"? Or only works to be effective unless they're dealing w/you. Cause, you're awesome and near zero gets by you.

That last bit was both true AND giving you a little poke.

If only you used your power for good...

 

Both. If you know there is a gps on your car it can easily be defeated by other means. If you don't know there is a gps on your car you are screwed.

 

The GPS makes things more difficult, more hoops to jump through.

[Decorative]

There is nothing for them to know. The only thing anyone knows there is that we are freinds.

 

"Friends" that are sneaking away for meaningful drives and conversations and sex. People know. They do.

 

Your friendship, two people that are bonded together in their "us against the cruel world" position against her oh so evil overlord husband who will stalk her to a grocery store, and hire a bumbling PI, and I could go on and on, but what's the point...

 

Y'all get some sort of high on feeling both persecuted ( your use of the word bitter towards anyone not impressed by your actions) and your need to try and get someone on here to tell you how clever the James Bond act is.

 

If you were my spouse, and I gave a crap about you- I'd be able to bust you in a day. Two if I had a headache. It's not that hard.

[Realist3]

"Friends" that are sneaking away for meaningful drives and conversations and sex. People know. They do.

 

Your friendship, two people that are bonded together in their "us against the cruel world" position against her oh so evil overlord husband who will stalk her to a grocery store, and hire a bumbling PI, and I could go on and on, but what's the point...

 

Y'all get some sort of high on feeling both persecuted ( your use of the word bitter towards anyone not impressed by your actions) and your need to try and get someone on here to tell you how clever the James Bond act is.

 

If you were my spouse, and I gave a crap about you- I'd be able to bust you in a day. Two if I had a headache. It's not that hard.

 

I'm glad you have you have convinced yourself that people you don't know, know what is going on. They don't.

 

I'm not sure what sort of pleasure you derive from jumping to all of these wild conclusions, but you are terribly wrong. No one at the school knows or even suspects anything. There is no reason for them to do so.

 

We do not feel persecuted in any way.

 

If I were unlucky enough to have you as my spouse I would hand you the evidence.

[Furious]

Both. If you know there is a gps on your car it can easily be defeated by other means. If you don't know there is a gps on your car you are screwed.

 

The GPS makes things more difficult, more hoops to jump through.

 

 

Funny though.... as much as you claim to be one step ahead of being found out, your wife found one strand of hair in your car and you immediately confessed. All the espionage and techno gadgets you employed to keep your own wife from finding out and a silly strand of hair nabbed you.

 

Ironically your wife basically shrugged her shoulders and said ,ok, just be discreet. That must have been sorely anticlimactic and lacking in drama.

 

I actually believe if your OW's husband were to discover your affair, you'll be quite disappointed, if he also shrugged his shoulders and didn't give a care just as your wife did not care.

 

What a let down that would be, when you've spent so much of your time

 

playing the spy game, determined to defeat the evil spouse from discovering the truth.

 

Perhaps the action spy thriller games you play are what's keeping the affair exciting.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Furious

[Realist3]

Funny though.... as much as you claim to be one step ahead of being found out, your wife found one strand of hair in your car and you immediately confessed. All the espionage and techno gadgets you employed to keep your own wife from finding out and a silly strand of hair nabbed you.

 

Ironically your wife basically shrugged her shoulders and said ,ok, just be discreet. That must have been sorely anticlimactic and lacking in drama.

 

I actually believe if your OW's husband were to discover your affair, you'll be quite disappointed, if he also shrugged his shoulders and didn't give a care just as your wife did not care.

 

What a let down that would be, when you've spent so much of your time

 

playing the spy game, determined to defeat the evil spouse from discovering the truth.

 

Perhaps the action spy thriller games you play are what's keeping the affair exciting.

 

 

I didn't employ anything. Everything we have done is to keep her H from finding out.

 

My wife is not high drama, and like I had already stated in another thread she knew this would likely happen. I'm glad she was a cool cat about it. She knew that if I was going to do something there was nothing that would stop me. If there is one thing I respect most about her it is that she knows no person can control another. They will do what they want and should do what they want, it is their life.

 

I don't find the hoops we jump through exciting at all, in fact I hate them, but they are routine at this point and hardly even give them a second thought. They are just a part of the relationship.

 

The reason I started this thread is because so many people give suggestions about doing this or that in an effort to find out if their spouse is cheating. And what I am saying is that if they are smart the methods suggested will not work.

[96nole]

Funny though.... as much as you claim to be one step ahead of being found out, your wife found one strand of hair in your car and you immediately confessed. All the espionage and techno gadgets you employed to keep your own wife from finding out and a silly strand of hair nabbed you.

 

Ironically your wife basically shrugged her shoulders and said ,ok, just be discreet. That must have been sorely anticlimactic and lacking in drama.

 

I actually believe if your OW's husband were to discover your affair, you'll be quite disappointed, if he also shrugged his shoulders and didn't give a care just as your wife did not care.

 

What a let down that would be, when you've spent so much of your time

 

playing the spy game, determined to defeat the evil spouse from discovering the truth.

 

Perhaps the action spy thriller games you play are what's keeping the affair exciting.

 

That man already knows. He just doesn't care or is planning something and is biding his time.

 

He hired 3 PI's. Had GPS on her car. Followed her to the grocery store. Not because he is controlling but because he knew something was up. And he should know since he is a cheater himself. She knows he is a cheater and isn't doing anything about it. So he is doing the same.

 

It's less like 007 and spy movies and more like the old Spy VS. Spy cartoon from Mad magazine.

[eleanorrigby]

The reason I started this thread is because so many people give suggestions about doing this or that in an effort to find out if their spouse is cheating. And what I am saying is that if they are smart the methods suggested will not work.

 

I can believe that some of our ways of catching a cheater may be outdated. Do you have some examples of ways to catch cheaters that are more effective then our examples?

[ComingInHot]

Realist;

I probably missed it but why are you married again?

[Decorative]

Being intelligent is not a guarantee against getting caught cheating. My spouse is by every measure quite intelligent. One of my close friends with the same issue- her spouse also quite intelligent.

 

Plenty of brilliant men and women have gotten caught. There's a way.

 

Just ask Petraeus.