Methods of discovery

[Snowflower]

:laugh::laugh:

 

I waltz in and out of that school all day long, so do a lot of people. An hour here and an hour there multiple times a week and you are just part of the shuffle.

 

Yep, I've worked in schools too.

 

This is a bit disturbing, thinking that anyone waltzes in and out of a school, considering recent, horrible events in NH.

[Realist3]

realist - I must admit I find your tone quite abrasive too. I don't know why you wouldn't understand how some people find this subject quite a sensitive one. Could you not be a little kinder?

 

I'm sorry if that is the case, it certainly is not my intent.

 

I do realize it could be a sensitive subject to some, and one of my points was that just because a BS takes some of the most commonly suggested methods does not mean they will find the results they are looking for.

[Realist3]

Yep, I've worked in schools too.

 

This is a bit disturbing, thinking that anyone waltzes in and out of a school, considering recent, horrible events in NH.

 

I wouldn't say anyone does. There are protocols. You are supposed to check in at the office, swipe your ID and get a badge whether you are there to volunteer or meet your child for lunch, BUT for those heavily involved in the school it doesn't take place.

[shame_on_me]

I suspect if my wife hears one whiff about my having an affair she will grab my balls and squeeze until i confess all. That is how she would operate.

[beenburned]

If any H is that suspicious of his wife cheating, there has to be a long history of bad behavior on her part!

 

I highly doubt H is just doing it to be controlling! Sounds like she is a serial cheater that is only using her H for his money!

 

I think he is gathering info in order to divorce her. Even if a state is no-fault, if adultery can be proven, it can affect lots of things!

[Spark1111]

She goes there every day, it is part of her routine. There was nothing to see there. In terms of the PI telling her it is not very surprising because I have yet to run into anyone that likes the guy(her H). They respect him because of his money, but they don't like him.

 

 

Heck yes, she was upset. She was also upset about the GPS and the other methods he employed. But that is who he is. He is a controller. I remember early on one evening we bumped into eachother at a grocery store parking lot, and she said, "I can't talk to you here because my H is likely to show up." So, I went to my car and within a minute he pulls up just to check if she was indeed at the grocrey store.

 

This borderlines on the delusional thinking so prevalent in an affair, IMHO.

 

The big, bad wolf of an H is a controller, because his instincts are telling him she is having an affair which he can't prove.

 

But she is having an affair!

 

So he is a controller? Or she and you are gaslighting him?

 

He is controlling because he is not letting her have an affair in peace with you? He keeps snooping on his unfaithful wife?

 

This tunnel vision just boggles my mind.

[c0nfuzd]

How did you find out about your WS?

 

A lot of people suggest key loggers, PI's, GPS on the vehicle, voice activated recorders, phone trackers. All of these are easily defeated.

 

not necessarily.....a good keylogger does not show up in the registry, in the file system, in Add/Remove Programs panel, or in Task Manager; it is for the most part transparent and has to use encryption to send out the data it gathers; the only way one would ever suspect a keylogger on that machine is if a sniffer was attached; but they still wouldn't be able to see the contents of the stream as it's encrypted

[JamesM]

Placing the (im) morality of an affair aside, that would just seem so stressful to me. All that hiding and sneaking around and lying and covering up and alibing would just not be my idea of "fun" at all. It would make me totally anxious. I could simply not have an enjoyable time with an affair partner if I was stressing out and anxious all the time.

 

My idea of a "good time" is if something relaxes me. I want to kick back and chill out and forget my anxieties and worries. I'm sure the guilt would drive me nuts too. And worrying about STDs, financial consequences of getting caught, the emotional harm to my kids and wife, all that other stuff. (See I haven't even mentioned the immorality of it yet.)

 

I have never been a person who enjoys "risky" behavior though. I guess some people really get off on the thrill or something.

 

 

This.

 

I have said many times how I think I could be in an affair, but when I read this kind of thing, I really doubt that I could go through all that. A lack of sex is one thing, but doing all this secretive stuff just to get it and knowing that it will only be a few moments of pleasure...this doesn't sound fun to me at all.

 

It is good that you started this thread if only to point out to guys like me that we just don't have the energy and time to go down this road.

 

Having said that, there are many ways to discover an affair. IMO all that is needed is a suspicious spouse or friend who is sympathetic to the spouse.

 

From what I read, many affairs are discovered not because of a particular method but because of a slip up by one of the cheaters. You can go years without discovery but one slip up or loose lip will bring it all in the open.

 

Honestly, the ability to be dishonest and the ability to be disciplined in hiding every meeting or note or word is needed. Being able to lie directly to the face of the one who you committed your life to is essential.

 

Maybe if I were in the position to hide something, I could do it, but as I type this, it seems unbelievable that I could hide something from my wife while looking in her face. She has always seemed to be able to read my face or look at me a certain way and I WANT to tell her.

 

That is her "method."

 

As for sneaking around at lunch, we used to watch who went to lunch with who and then keep an eye on them where I worked in the past. It became easy to predict who was in a relationship. And when they really became hot and heavy, then they suddenly seemed to avoid each other. And when they broke up...they treated each other like the plague.

 

Weird.

 

I haven't ever needed to catch my own spouse in an affair, but the best way to catch someone when I was in management (to keep chaos out of the workplace) is to watch for anything unusual. In order to conduct an affair, one must continue life on as normal. If I suddenly started going out or staying long at work, then I should know that this is a red flag. I had better be ready to explain why and be credible. So, if one plans on an affair (which many don't) then one should be doing this schedule before starting the affair. Unfortunately for most, they plan based on emotions and emotions will trip you up at some point.

 

Affairs are way too much work....thanks for bringing this to light. I am exhausted just reading how much planning and lying is needed.

[Spark1111]

She is the VP of the PTA and is there every day. I am also involved with several PTA committees and am there several days a week. We both know all of the school administration very well. She is actually friends with the principal, meaning they do stuff as couples , dinner, drinks, parties, etc.. We both know every teacher. She has been there a long time given the gap in ages of her children, and I have been there for 6 years.

 

And you plan trysts around your PTA involvement? unbelievable. Could you get any closer to shaming your children for life, should the word get out?

 

Do you know how that will affect them? Do you realize the gossip that may be going on right now?

 

And you and she just LOOOOOVE your kids that you would never risk or do anything to hurt them?

 

OMG! I'm floored. how selfish of the two of you to use your children, their school, their safe little world to plan your trysts around.

 

Shame on both of you. Now I really think this is an adolescent rebellion for both of you.

 

Of all places.

[Spark1111]

I suspect if my wife hears one whiff about my having an affair she will grab my balls and squeeze until i confess all. That is how she would operate.

 

I think I like your wife! She is a woman after my own heart.

[Realist3]

This borderlines on the delusional thinking so prevalent in an affair, IMHO.

 

The big, bad wolf of an H is a controller, because his instincts are telling him she is having an affair which he can't prove.

 

But she is having an affair!

 

So he is a controller? Or she and you are gaslighting him?

 

He is controlling because he is not letting her have an affair in peace with you? He keeps snooping on his unfaithful wife?

 

This tunnel vision just boggles my mind.

 

He is a very jealous man, who is over protective of a very hot wife. A couple of months ago she did have a stalker try and bust into her workout session with the police being called.

 

He certainly is a controller in every respect. He has been that way long before she ever dreamt of having an affair.

 

I know I'm not going to be able to explain it all to the satisfaction of those prone to making wild assumptions. She is not gaslighting him.

[Realist3]

not necessarily.....a good keylogger does not show up in the registry, in the file system, in Add/Remove Programs panel, or in Task Manager; it is for the most part transparent and has to use encryption to send out the data it gathers; the only way one would ever suspect a keylogger on that machine is if a sniffer was attached; but they still wouldn't be able to see the contents of the stream as it's encrypted

 

True, but if the person is smart they won't use a machine the spouse as has access to.

[Realist3]

This.

 

I have said many times how I think I could be in an affair, but when I read this kind of thing, I really doubt that I could go through all that. A lack of sex is one thing, but doing all this secretive stuff just to get it and knowing that it will only be a few moments of pleasure...this doesn't sound fun to me at all.

 

It is good that you started this thread if only to point out to guys like me that we just don't have the energy and time to go down this road.

 

Having said that, there are many ways to discover an affair. IMO all that is needed is a suspicious spouse or friend who is sympathetic to the spouse.

 

From what I read, many affairs are discovered not because of a particular method but because of a slip up by one of the cheaters. You can go years without discovery but one slip up or loose lip will bring it all in the open.

 

Honestly, the ability to be dishonest and the ability to be disciplined in hiding every meeting or note or word is needed. Being able to lie directly to the face of the one who you committed your life to is essential.

 

Maybe if I were in the position to hide something, I could do it, but as I type this, it seems unbelievable that I could hide something from my wife while looking in her face. She has always seemed to be able to read my face or look at me a certain way and I WANT to tell her.

 

That is her "method."

 

As for sneaking around at lunch, we used to watch who went to lunch with who and then keep an eye on them where I worked in the past. It became easy to predict who was in a relationship. And when they really became hot and heavy, then they suddenly seemed to avoid each other. And when they broke up...they treated each other like the plague.

 

Weird.

 

I haven't ever needed to catch my own spouse in an affair, but the best way to catch someone when I was in management (to keep chaos out of the workplace) is to watch for anything unusual. In order to conduct an affair, one must continue life on as normal. If I suddenly started going out or staying long at work, then I should know that this is a red flag. I had better be ready to explain why and be credible. So, if one plans on an affair (which many don't) then one should be doing this schedule before starting the affair. Unfortunately for most, they plan based on emotions and emotions will trip you up at some point.

 

Affairs are way too much work....thanks for bringing this to light. I am exhausted just reading how much planning and lying is needed.

 

Very valid points by you and DuckSoup.

 

All of the measures we have taken have progressed over time, and they may seem like a lot of work, but after a little bit they are not. We communicate through a phone and Kindle I bought her. That is simple. While lunches, i.e. being seen in public, is a little more complicated, most of our encounters are totally private and very easy.

[Decorative]

True, but if the person is smart they won't use a machine the spouse as has access to.

 

It is surprising just what a suspicious spouse can find access to. And the people that will help a betrayed spouse do so.

 

*everything I did was absolutely legal. And my spouse is far from stupid ( top schools, top degrees). Affairs dumb even the smartest people down. Even in this thread- we see an example of an intelligent person, who has made a series of bad choices, ignoring common sense and intellect and choosing to believe a whopper of an obvious falsehood.

[Decorative]

Very valid points by you and DuckSoup.

 

All of the measures we have taken have progressed over time, and they may seem like a lot of work, but after a little bit they are not. We communicate through a phone and Kindle I bought her. That is simple. While lunches, i.e. being seen in public, is a little more complicated, most of our encounters are totally private and very easy.

 

Neither of your spouses care what you are doing. I am not sure why you don't see that. If her spouse was suspicious enough to follow her to the grocery store, I can assure you- you haven't outsmarted him for even two seconds.

 

But we get it. We can see the high you get from all of this.

 

And by the way? I helped my friend catch her husband via his Kindle.

 

it's not airtight. LOL took me five minutes.

[c0nfuzd]

True, but if the person is smart they won't use a machine the spouse as has access to.

 

as long as any computer is used, a keylogger can be installed even remotely (trust me on this); also, do not underestimate the power of Internet services where one can pay a fee and have any email account password cracked

 

as a tip for you so that you can continue your deception at the expense of others, don't use ANY computer/laptop or email to conduct your affair

 

the safest method my wife found that works to protect against prying eyes is to use a phone (password-protected of course) with a 3rd party app chat (like what's app or Kik) so that even if a keylogger is installed on that phone, it will not be able to capture the keystrokes from within that app; most if not all phone keyloggers can only capture txts, phone calls and pics, but not 3rd party apps. The iPhone has this one great feature in that you cannot even install a keylogger on it (Apple has to approve the app before you can install it so it's not even available on iTunes). But keyloggers on phones (like BB or Android) have 1 huge drawback...power consumption.

 

btw, I still caught my STBXW cheating despite all the precautions she took....a cheater is a fraud and all frauds sooner or later crumble under their own weight; that's just normal

[JamesM]

Very valid points by you and DuckSoup.

 

All of the measures we have taken have progressed over time, and they may seem like a lot of work, but after a little bit they are not. We communicate through a phone and Kindle I bought her. That is simple. While lunches, i.e. being seen in public, is a little more complicated, most of our encounters are totally private and very easy.

 

Speaking of Petraeus, I did learn of a new method to hide emails.

 

Both affair people use the same email account and simply save emails to each other in the Draft folder. So if I write an email to my lovely AP and save it as a draft, she signs into my account and reads it. She deletes it and writes her own and saves it. I read it and delete it and write a response...etc.

 

Never thought of that. But the CIA knew of that method, too.

[BrokenPrincess]

Speaking of Petraeus, I did learn of a new method to hide emails.

 

Both affair people use the same email account and simply save emails to each other in the Draft folder. So if I write an email to my lovely AP and save it as a draft, she signs into my account and reads it. She deletes it and writes her own and saves it. I read it and delete it and write a response...etc.

 

Never thought of that. But the CIA knew of that method, too.

 

^^Same here! I read they learned that idea from Al Qaeda terrorists using it.

[Owl]

I'm sorry if that is the case, it certainly is not my intent.

 

I do realize it could be a sensitive subject to some, and one of my points was that just because a BS takes some of the most commonly suggested methods does not mean they will find the results they are looking for.

 

You're right...they MIGHT not get the results they were looking for. But when you look at the number of "success stories" here, they well MIGHT succeed too. They don't lose much by trying, but often gain by doing so instead. But you're right...it MIGHT fail.

 

Isn't that pretty much a given in anything anyone does in life, period?

 

I'm not sure that anyone who comes here needs that kind of..."warning"?

 

Perhaps...if you're willing to help them out, as you claim by posting here...you'd serve them better by telling them how to have more success at their attempts to discern the truth?

 

Tell them how you might get caught in your own situation, for example.

 

Giving them information on how to more successfully get the truth would be much more helpful and supportive for them rather than trying to tell them that they might fail, wouldn't you think?

[nofool4u]

Is that what this thread is about? Helping you figure out how to keep people from finding out their spouses are cheating?

 

Why did you post this in infidelity instead of a section that supports infidelity? Like the OM/OW section.

[Furious]

key loggers, PI's, GPS on the vehicle, voice activated recorders, phone trackers. All of these are easily defeated.

 

Realist, you must have incredible skills to DEFEAT, all of the above, and outmaneuver your OW's controlling husband, PI's, and fool every man woman and child at your children's school.

 

How scary too, that your OW had a Stalker go after her because she's so hot, and then she has to deal with her controlling husband who follows her tho grocery store.

 

It's astounding that her controlling husband has built a wealthy empire and has time to cheat on his wife and yet finds the time to spy on his wife at the A&P. You are truly her knight in shining armor, and have gone above and beyond to save her affair from being discovered.

 

Thank you for starting this thread, and letting all the betrayed spouses know that even though our WS's got caught, you are technologically brilliant and can defeat ever being caught.

Edited December 18, 2012 by Furious
Correction

[2sure]

It has been my experience that people with happy marriages, OW, and accomplishments sometimes are simply bottomless pits of insecurity.

Along with that, someone who lies so extensively, creatively, and habitually...is to me, the definition of a pathological liar. They lie to lie. Its a hobby. They enjoy it. The effort to hide from and decieve a spouse who suspects....thats a lot of fun for them. But you know...they could be lying about that too.

[beenburned]

People love to talk, especially when it is juicy gossip!(especially in small towns)

 

My d-day happened when H's co-workers/friends all got caught cheating by their wives. The wives called me and told me what all they had been up to, including my H!

 

All of the above cheating happened years ago before the invention of any gadgets used today by cheaters.

[Minnie09]

Realist's OW cracks me up with her espionage stories. She's obviously a little bit of an attention wh***, and he's the one to fall for it. Wealthy hubby, controlling and suspicious, because he is married to this super-hot MILF chick, bends over backwards and spends a fortune on surveillance (but of course she's smarter than that), and on top of that she can't even go to the gym without being stalked. So because of all the hotness, the girl needs the police to intervene. I'm sure OP considers himself super-lucky to get a shot here. What a catch! Every man wants her, and he's the one! I'm sure she didn't make up any of the stories she has told you. They're all for real. Seriously.

[Radagast]

How did you find out about your WS?

 

A lot of people suggest key loggers, PI's, GPS on the vehicle, voice activated recorders, phone trackers. All of these are easily defeated.

 

My xW did not "find out". I told her. She chose not to believe me at the time, though I think she does now.