JamesM Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 All this is doing is robbing your wife of a chance to be with someone that would actually respect her. This is what bothers me. I understand why you sought out the affair and why you would like it. But being that you both think your affair is okay, why then don't you split? I understand why two people would want to rebuild a broken marriage or a guy would stay in a marriage because of kids, but in this case, I wonder why she wouldn't want to separate so that SHE can have a normal life. The kids will adjust. IMO you are giving them a false hope that their parents will reconcile when there is no plans for reconciliation. Realist3, what would happen if you found out that your wife was cheating and was unapologetic about it ? Good question. If she now had an affair with a man, then would you be okay with HER having someone else? And then at that point, what kind of example are the two of you setting for your daughters? I am certainly not being judgmental of you as to your affair, but I do have a real hard time with the example you and your wife are setting for your daughters. You are letting them know that it is okay to marry a man who is not devoted to you, and your wife is letting them know that accepting less than a devoted man who is okay. IMO they would be better off with two parents who have new marriages with people who they both love. Do you see your AP divorcing or is that not an option for her either? Would you marry her if she did leave her husband? Would you then leave your wife? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 JamesM Realist3 got his wife to agree to an open marriage after his cheating was revealed. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 JamesM Realist3 got his wife to agree to an open marriage after his cheating was revealed. You gotta admire his charisma and power of persuasion. I think many men would line up to learn that skill. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 I bet she is. She is now free to be with other men. My guess is she probably has and had a man on the side the whole time. You running off to spend time with your OW just gives her more time with her OM. I had a friend who found out her hubby was having an affair and she was relieved and told him to do whatever made him happy. Apparently, his affair made her feel less guilty about hers and lessened the likelihood that she'll ever get caught. So, in a nutshell, her sexual needs are satisfied and she still gets to play the martyr of the poor, betrayed spouse who looks like an angel to the children, friends and family. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 You gotta admire his charisma and power of persuasion. I think many men would line up to learn that skill. Seriously. Or it could have had nothing to do with power of persuasion at all. It could be she found out he was cheating, and she jumped at the chance to be with other men. Who could blame her, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 My guess is she probably has and had a man on the side the whole time. Thats possible. However she gets the benefit of the doubt here for 2 reasons. One, there is no evidence of that, and two, Realist stated that he knows without a doubt who she has had sex with, just him. So up until now, he is quite confident she hasn't had a man on the side. Thats not to say she hasn't, we just can't assume that. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) I just read Realist3's "Tale of a semi-long term affair" and feel a bit chagrined for popping off earlier. His candor and clarity about his choices were fascinating, and there was a lot more humanity and feeling in that thread. Maybe not enough to bring a tear to the eye, but there was a little more vulnerability. Without that reference, I reacted to the posts here about BS snooping tricks and the AP's successful stealth at the elementary school as callous and a little crazy. He felt safe opening up here (and should) and that made it seem even more brazen. The other thread created more verisimilitude. It's interesting that R3 keeps coming back. Edited December 20, 2012 by merrmeade Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 Thats possible. However she gets the benefit of the doubt here for 2 reasons. One, there is no evidence of that, and two, Realist stated that he knows without a doubt who she has had sex with, just him. So up until now, he is quite confident she hasn't had a man on the side. Thats not to say she hasn't, we just can't assume that. If you read the other thread, there's a lot of resentment for the W. Seems like the OW happiness is just enough though that everything stays in balance. Life goes on. R3 seems convinced it's what everybody wants. It's just that, when you're rationalizing like this, is there no discomfort? His world order is so perfectly explained to keep up the status quo. All parties' needs and responsibilities met. It's a real head job you have to do on yourself, isn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 So, I'm old fashioned. I want my kids to have a stable life without being torn between two homes. Just the way I am. My standard of living would not change andneither would hers. The money issue is more about the number of businesses and parcels of property, oil leases, etc. that would have to be split up. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. It is very complicated. Socially, yes that is important to me. That also includesour familieswhich are very close. My wife has the choice and chance to do whetever she so pleases. I havenever attempted to stop her from doing whatever she wants to do. She knows. Thanks for the lecture. I noticed another interesting parallel between your pattern of behaviour and my father's. This doesn't surprise me at all given that you seem very narcissistic, probably are self-made and you are a wayward spouse. He seemed to need not just the (main) affair as it was, but also the KISA mentality and the dramatic, attractive OW. Everything about the secrecy of his affair was 'amped up.' He referred to myself and my mother as "snakes" who were "closing in on him." Truth was, I was 3000 miles away and didn't want to know/couldn't have cared less at the time. I wasn't surprised considering how lousy of a person and parent he was that he would betray my mother. But in truth, the only reason I found out was that one of his employees whom he had mistreated wrote me a message on facebook detailing when and where he was conducting his affair. I didn't actually appreciate the info because really I knew that my mother would never believe it and frankly, he already disgusted me, I didn't want to know about his sex life. But there it was.... Three weeks later I caught my husband's bullcrap. How that one was discovered is far more interesting. But I'm tired now. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 So, Realist isn't in an A, but an open marriage which works for him and his wife, either that or they are keeping up appearances for the sake of their family and social standing. Reading that I feel rather sorry for the OW and wonder how and why she stays, unless she too is happy and doesn't want a full time relationship with him either. So, happy people all around then. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 You gotta admire his charisma and power of persuasion. I think many men would line up to learn that skill. Seriously. I was asking that question because i met a couple of guys like him in my life, and every time i ask that question i get something 'divorce' with a way to rationalize the hypochrisy of it. It's not surprising that these men actually have a degree of success in their businesses ... it's like they have their own PR personality embedded in them [obvious in R3's threads], look how he went from pariah to gradual acceptance with no word mentioned about how it was 'before'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 LOL! Do any OW secretly want the MM to get caught? Of course they do! They do not want they responsibility of insisting he leave his marriage because they demanded it! he would resent them. So they want him to choose to leave. if he isn't ready to do so, they do not want to force him to. When caught by the wife, they hope he will NOW make the choice they refused to force. And they are devastated, given the opportunity DDay gives the MM, when they are NOT chosen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 So, Realist isn't in an A, but an open marriage which works for him and his wife No, he isn't in an affair NOW. He was, and only after dday did he bring up the open marriage. She agreed. Does this mean she is ok with it? Maybe, maybe not. Could be she only agreed because she thinks she has no other options and has to just put up with R3's cheating. Or it could be after dday, she now wants to be free that way to be with other men because her H is a cheater. And she gets to keep the familiar life she has minus the fidelity. Reading that I feel rather sorry for the OW and wonder how and why she stays Nothing to feel sorry about. OW knew what she was doing. She knew she was helping a man cheat on his wife. So, happy people all around then. Again, unless R3's wife got pissed and no longer wants a cheater and is now enjoying going out and being with other men, I highly doubt she is happy about this situation whether she agreed or not. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 The very same day. I put the thoughts of suicide down. Called my best friend. She came over with ink and we copied all emails, bank statements and credit card statements. She called a lawyer the next day. I met with the other BS a couple of days later and filed with the lawyer within a week, talked with my counselor and my pastor...then I waited. You ROCK!!!! Ok sorry, back to the thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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